And They will Be Known By Their Rattles

August 30, 2005

I had a follow-up appointment with my obgyn to talk about the crazy drugs I have been taking. Rob had taken the day off of work, so I left all the kids at home with him and brought just the baby with me.

The baby loves people. He is at that adorably cute age where he stares at people with a huge grin on his face and when they look at him he laughs and buries his face in my neck. He flirted with the receptionists, the other women in the waiting room, the nurses. He had yet to meet anyone he didn’t like.

That is until the obgyn walked into the room. For whatever reason he was fixated on her shoes and he did not like them one bit! And when she reached out to tickle him, he recoiled. He was whimpering on the verge of bursting into tears and I kept trying to distract him. Because nothing is worse than having your child cry when someone looks at them.

Later on I thought that maybe he just didn’t want her touching him because he was thinking, ‘Good God woman I know where your hands have been all day. Get them away from me!

Anyway, we talked about my medication, the positives and negatives, and decided to try a different one. She went to her vast supply closet and pulled out four boxes, four weeks worth of pills. She carried them back into the room and shook one in front of the baby.

“It’s like a little rattle!” she said as she shook it in front of him and tried to hand it to him. She desperately wanted him to smile.

“It’s like a little rattle for the babies with crazy mothers” I blurted out, you know just in case there was a doubt in her mind that I needed drugs.

But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about what a fabulous idea that would be. Imagine walking through the store and your baby is holding onto his favorite Prozac rattle. Suddenly you come across a cart where he spots a baby just like him shaking a Zoloft rattle. They could exchange knowing glances and smiles.

It would be like a baby secret handshake for, “My mom is nuts, too!”

I think the pharmaceutical companies should take note. There is a vast untapped market out there.

I Never Claimed To Be Rational

August 29, 2005

Rob bought these bags of trail mix at the store recently and I have been obsessively snacking on them. It’s healthy, right? Doesn’t trail mix get it’s name because those healthy active sorts of people like to take it with them when they go hiking, presumably on trails?

Isn’t that why there is such a great emphasis on carrying lightweight gear while hiking, so that a person would be physically able to carry the ten pound bag of snacks in addition to their tent, backpack, and sleeping bag?

Last night we were sitting on the couch together and I was snacking away. Rob watched me sift through the bag for a few minutes.

“Are you putting back all the almonds?” he asked.

“Yeah, I don’t like almonds.” I replied.

“But what about the cashews? You don’t seem to be eating those either”

“Well, truth be told, I don’t eat any of the nuts because they bother my stomach. So I put them all back into the bag, you know for the kids.” I explained. I may have rolled my eyes here. I can’t be sure.

“Are you eating the raisins and dried cranberries?”

“Uh, no not really. You know the kids will want something to eat with all those nuts.” I reasoned.

“Okay, let me get this straight you aren’t eating any of the nuts or dried fruit.”

“That would be correct.” I replied, as I dipped my hand back into the bag.

“If all you are eating is the chocolate chips, why don’t you just get a bag of them to snack on?”

“Because that wouldn’t be very healthy, you know like the trail mix.” And I wondered, like I often do at times such as this, how I could still be married to someone who just doesn’t get it.

“Uh huh.”

“Please let me harbor the illusion that I am eating something good for me. I feel much better that way. Okay? Is that TOO MUCH TO ASK?? It’s not like I am eating a goddamn cockroach like some people.“

A Sign That Maybe Your Children Have Been Watching Too Much TV

August 28, 2005

They overhear a person out in public say to someone else, “Hey, did you hear our good news?”

And one child interrupts the conversation to yell, “Did you just save a ton of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico?”

And the other child follows up with, “Yeah, baby!”

And these same children think this is a perfectly normal, rational way to respond to this question.

It is precisely these moments that make a mother proud.

I Did Not Okay This

August 26, 2005

Eight Months and 13 days old.

In the swing
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

Today my baby decided to take his first step without holding on.

He let go of the chair with his arms stretched out. His legs stiff and unbending. I wish I could say that he was walking to me, that I was the object of his affection so strong that he was willing to break out of his comfort zone and step into the unknown.

But alas it was a piece of bright orange candy that he saw fall to the ground and he was trying to beat his sister to it.

He lost. And my high pitched squealing scared him and he fell down. The first of many times he will learn that risk taking is well, risky. Sometimes it doesn’t turn out the way you think it will, and you end up flat on your ass crying, wondering what the heck happened.

I want to tell him to slow down, not to be in such a rush to leave babyhood behind.

There will be plenty of time to walk later, like when he is 4 years old and we are out shopping and my arms are full of stuff and he is complaining and collapses to the ground and refuses to go on. THAT would be the perfect time to want to walk.

I hope his next milestone is sleeping through the night. Really really hope.

Make Your Reservations Now

August 25, 2005

We are not going away for a family vacation this year. My eldest son is sorely disappointed, feeling that it is his birthright to be taken somewhere where he will relax, eat in restaurants, and have overpriced souvenirs bought for him. How this differs from his everyday life I am not certain.

But to make him feel better and assuage my own guilt and perhaps make some money, I am opening my own vacation destination : The Big Yellow House. Why go somewhere when we got it all here. The following is the description I am going to print out.

*********************

Tired of the same old vacations, relaxing on the beach, hiking in the mountains, cruising the Caribbean. Been to Europe so many times it has lost it’s appeal? I have a unique opportunity for you.

**Ever wonder what it would be like to restore an old home?

**What sort of work is involved in removing old plaster and lathe walls and hanging new sheetrock?

**How to install ceramic tile in a room that is completely out of square and has not one 90 degree angle.

**Want to know how to reglaze old wooden windows?

**Do you wonder if you could rewire a house and NOT burn it down or electrocute yourself in the process?

**Ever wonder how much lead paint dust you can safely inhale or how hard you need to work outdoors in the sweltering heat before you collapse from heat exhaustion?

**Ever wonder if you have the fortitude to restore an old house?

**Or do you just want to use some cool power tools and invent new swear words?

Well, wonder no more. This is the vacation for you.

At The Big Yellow House you will get to participate in the process. No boring lounging around for you!

For seven fun filled days and nights you will get get to work on an *actual old home* Yes, not an imitation!

You will get to be an important part of rescuing an *actual old home* from a century of bad taste and disrepair. Not only that you will get to sleep overnight in this historic work in progress.

While you lay in bed at night you will get to experience the UNIQUE JOY that is original wooden windows. You can have the untold pleasure of trying to find something just the right size to prop the window up with, just like our forefathers did for so many years before this. Or if it is too cold, you can lay in your bed and listen to the windows rattle in their jams as the wind whistles though the cracks. You can use this time to ponder various types of insulation and weigh historic accuracy versus new thermal-vinyl-clad-never-need-painting-or-reglazing-again-windows.

You can have the fun of dropping something on the wood floor and watch it ROLL ACROSS THE ROOM all on it’s own due to the house having settled about six inches on one side. It never gets old. Then you can mosey on down to the basement and turn the house jack, and the other one, and the other one. How many times can you turn it before you see a discernible difference in the elevation of the house? That is the question that has plagued old home owners since the beginning of time. Now you too can weigh in with an opinion!

We will also let you start a fire in one of the three fireplaces using dollar bills in an attempt to simulate the hidden costs on things no one will ever see involved in restoring an old home. Once the fire is roaring it will be time to throw in your larger bills, $20, $50, and even $100 would not be out of place as we endeavor to visually portray home heating costs. (note: please bring your own suitcase filled with dollar bills as these will NOT be provided, or several suitcases if you are striving for authenticity)

Where else could your vacation time go towards something so meaningful as bringing back a piece of history.

And remember these are just the highlights, there is much MUCH more.

There is also a companion vacation available for those who are contemplating parenthood. Hang out with seven wonderful young children who will demand your undivided attention.

Highlights of this vacation package include:

**Being woken up several times during the night.

**Walking through a pitch dark room, stepping on mislaid legos and trying not to scream or fall to the ground in pain, while holding a sleeping baby.

**Listening to and PARTAKING IN conversations about the Bionicles and their powers. Don’t worry if it feels like your brain explodes and is oozing out of your ears after a few hours, it is normal and does NOT impact your ability to say, “Wow!”, “Cool!”, “That’s interesting!” if you have practiced long enough.

**Grocery shopping with seven kids and two shopping carts. Extra points given for navigating the check out with no tantrums. Extra extra points given if you managed to remember everything and spend under $300.

**When you arrive home from the grocery store you will be instructed to throw away 60% of the food you just bought. This is an attempt to demonstrate the amount of food that will go waste once you have children.

**Reading any number of the Berenstain Bear books until your eyes bleed and/or you have the books memorized.

**Preparing a dinner when you have seemingly nothing to cook despite the trip to the grocery store. Extra points given if no one cries when called to the table and sees their plate of food.

**Learning if french fries with ketchup counts as two vegetables.

In this vacation package you will be encouraged to bring a suitcase full of dollar bills to use in lieu of toilet paper. This is to simulate the cost of diapers which will be cladding your child’s ass for years.

By the end of your one week stay, you will either be ready to go forth and procreate or you will be signing up for sterilization. Either way it is a winning situation for you.

Sign up now, space is limited.

*******************

People are going to be falling all over each other to vacation here, don’t you think?

Quote Of The Day

August 24, 2005

Said with WAY too much excitement by my 6 yr old son:

“Mom I know why you painted our bathroom that color! So when we get poop on the walls it won’t show up!”

Painted bathroom
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

Animals, I tell you, I live with a bunch of animals.

How To Have Lunch Out Without Paying

August 23, 2005

There are signs that you shouldn’t eat at particular restaurant. These signs should not be ignored. In case you are ever faced with similar circumstances I am going to present these signs in the form of a story. Please heed the warnings or your wife will never want to kiss you on the mouth again.

Yesterday Rob and a friend went out to lunch at an Indian buffet restaurant. (Right there is cause for concern, I just don’t think Indian and buffet go together, and since my Chinese buffet experience when I was pregnant I don’t do buffets anymore.)

As they were up at the buffet table filling their plates a cockroach ran across the buffet table. A COCKROACH RAN ACROSS THE TABLE.

(This is the first sign that you shouldn’t eat at a particular restaurant. )

But this isn’t the shocking part of the story.

They continued to fill their plates and sat down to eat. Did you get that? Let me say it again. They continued to fill their plates and sat down to eat.

“Well, I was slightly concerned, but I was hungry and we were already there.” Rob said when I questioned him.

“I would have screamed, dropped my plate, left the restaurant and had my appetite ruined. I probably would have thrown up in my mouth a little all day long just remembering it.” I said. And to be honest, I felt a little ill just imagining it.

“You’re melodramatic.”

But there is more to the story.

Rob goes on to tell me that they sit down to eat their food, never really giving it much of a second thought. As Rob is eating his chicken that is covered in some sort of sauce, he looked down on his plate and sees some sort of thread like thing. He grabs the thread and pulls on it.

Only it isn’t a thread.

It is a whole cockroach, COVERED WITH SAUCE AND MIXED IN WITH HIS FOOD, his food that he was eating.

(This is the second sign that you shouldn’t eat at a particular restaurant. )

Did that make you throw up a little? Because it did me.

After I stopped involuntarily gagging I asked, “What did you do?”

“Well, I didn’t eat anymore of that particular food, I can tell you that!”

“Does that mean you continued to eat other foods?”

“Well, yes, but we stuck to foods that didn’t have sauce so we could see the food clearly.”

“And that doesn’t strike you as being problematic that you need to examine your food before you eat it at a restaurant?” I asked.

“We were hungry.”

“I have never been, nor will I ever be that hungry.”

“We decided that we aren’t ever going to go back there to eat.”

“You say that like there was a question about it. Like you two had to have a discussion about it.”

“Well…”

“Who are you?” I asked.

But there is more.

Rob called the waiter over and pointed out the cockroach. The waiter was new and he was horrified. He took a napkin and picked up the saucy cockroach and marched off to the kitchen.

He returned a few minutes later and told them he was quitting his job as a waiter at that restaurant because “he couldn’t take it anymore” The waitstaff telling you they are quitting because of the conditions can never be good.

That is the third sign that you shouldn’t eat at a restaurant.

“Hey, at least we didn’t have to pay for our lunch.”

“Next time you want a free lunch why don’t you just root around in the dumpster behind the nearest McDonald’s. I’m sure there is cockroach infested food in there that would be to your liking.” I said.

The jury is still out on the fourth sign… food poisoning.

Champagne Taste, Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer Budget

August 22, 2005

I am a bit of a snob.

There I said it. Though it stinks to have good taste and no means to satisfy it. Good taste, my own personal beast of burden.

This is especially true when it comes to clothing. My general rule is that if a store has shopping carts and sells toilet paper, I don’t buy clothes there.

I have also never liked shopping at consignment shops. It’s a combination of the crowded hodge podge of clothing, the smell of different peoples detergents all mixed together, and the fact that all the stuff has been used, or “previously worn” as the sign at a local consignment shop states. I have no problem buying previously read books though, so we will often go just to browse the huge bookcases.

The few times that I have wandered over and looked at the clothing I generally haven’t been impressed with the condition of the clothes or the price. I’ve bought things here and there, but mostly I avoid even looking.

This weekend that all changed. I was lured over to the other side by a brightly colored sign.

In doing so, I discovered something new about myself. As much as I loathe buying used clothing for my kids, I love bargains more. When I saw a sign over the racks of clothing that said everything with a red dot sticker was $1, well I couldn’t help but look. I fully expected to find used, stained, ugly crap for that price, but I was wrong.

$1 for an item of clothing, like an adorable GAP dress, or Gymboree sweater! Why that is practically like having clothing that is disposable! It’s less than a cup of coffee! Look how excited I am! Look at my over use of explanation points!

Soon I’ll be one of those women at the grocery store with a little accordion file envelope filled with coupons and calculator. Okay, maybe not.

Quote Of The Day

Said by my 4 year old:

“Mom, you should have had your penis operated on since you are the one who hatches all the babies.”

Why yes I do homeschool my children, why do you ask?

Second Verse Same As The First

August 21, 2005

Just when we thought it was over, we are sucked back in. It’s one of those times when I feel like the needle is stuck on the record* of my life.

Today is the first practice for fall baseball. God help me.

*Yes, I am old. It got me thinking though, at what point will this expression be completely archaic and need a footnote to explain it’s meaning.