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2005 October

All Sugared Up

October 31, 2005

My latest post is up over at dotmoms.

It is 7:00 am and I still have a residual sugar headache from yesterday. But I needed all the candy for the strength to carve numerous jack-o-lanterns. Yes, NEEDED.

Posted by Chris @ 7:09 am | 2 Comments  

The Best Birth Control

October 28, 2005

I am about to patent the Best Birth Control Ever®. But Chris, you ask, didn’t Rob just have an operation so that you wouldn’t have to think about this?

Why yes, yes he did. But we have only recently realized that it was entirely unnecessary and superfluous as we already had access to the BBCE®. We have now begun using it to it’s fullest potential.

And I am excited at the prospect of sharing my new found knowledge with others, so that they may partake in the BBCE®.

It is a barrier method that has at it’s core an ultra sensitive heat sensor. The heat sensor senses how close the barrier is to the two consenting adults. The BBCE® can be placed entirely on top of one of the adults, or can be placed equidistant between the two consenting adults. The choice is not yours, but rather determined by the barrier device itself. The choices occur in random order so that there will be little temptation to try and outsmart the barrier.

Should anyone try to get out of the bed, causing the temperature in the bed to dip slightly, it will cause BBCE® to immediately sound an alarm. This alarm can only be quieted by both parties resuming their positions on opposite sides of the BBCE® barrier.

If you would like the BBCE®, you should act immediately as it can take up to ten months to recieve one. Construction of a product as effective as this one can not be rushed. Each one is individually crafted specifically for you!

This photo is shown as a representation of the product. Your own BBCE® may vary slightly from the one pictured, but rest assured the slight variations in appearance will not impact it’s performance.


There is no warranty or guarantee, real or implied. The BBCE® is not returnable. Results mentioned are not to be considered typical and your results may vary. Proceed at your own risk.

Posted by Chris @ 8:33 am | 37 Comments  


October 27, 2005

Okay, I think I have fixed the html so that the posts can be read, no matter what browser you are using.

At least I hope so. Because I am tired of doing it.

Posted by Chris @ 7:46 pm | 14 Comments  

At Least We Think We Are Funny

her: So, you dressing up for halloween?
me: Nah, you?
her: No
me:It’s all about the kids now, isn’t it?
me:Well, except for the candy
her: oh yeah, we are all about the candy
her:the next day I’m all
her: don’t know what happened to the candy
me: gosh, dear, the Great Pumpkin must have come when you were sleeping
me: and taken all the Reese’s peanut butter cups
her: who are you calling the great pumpkin?
me: Ha!
her:I have eaten my way through so many bags of candy
me: ugh, me too
me: why do I even buy it
me: no one comes to our house
her: because it’s so cheap right now
me: it’s for the kids
me:that’s how I rationalize it
her:who can pass up a huge bag for $1
me:it’s practically free!
me:I buy it for the kids
me:and then eat it all so the kids won’t have too much sugar
her:you’re nice like that
me:I am nice
her: speaking of costumes
her: my friend Jane* wore her wedding dress to the kid’s party at school
me: her for real wedding dress?
her: yeah
her: it was very beautiful
her: but slightly odd
me: yeah, I bet all the preschool girls loved it
me: as they wiped their grimy little hands all over the white lace and beadwork
her: can you imagine, fitting in to your wedding dress
me: Hell no
me: But it was a maternity dress
her: Ha!
me:I should wear it
her: no one else would think it was as funny as us
me: no one ever does
her: it would start the gossip mill going
me:OMG, she is pregnant again
her: didn’t she just have a baby?
me: how many does she want?
her: she is crazy!
me: we could keep this up all day
her: in theory
me: making fun of me is such a fun a pastime
her: in reality, I have wrapper evidence to hide
me: yeah, good luck with that

Posted by Chris @ 10:23 am | 14 Comments  

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me!

October 26, 2005

Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

This is what I was greeted with when I woke up this morning. I had to check my calendar and yes, it is still October. Unfreakingbelieveable.

Posted by Chris @ 7:51 am | 21 Comments  

Halloween And The Best Costume Ever

October 25, 2005

Halloween 1974

I clearly remember this Halloween costume. I begged and begged for a store bought costume. Nobody ever had store bought costumes, at least nobody I knew in my little 4 yr old world. I thought they were just the coolest thing ever.

I wanted one of those plastic masks with the elastic band that went around the back of your head making your hair look like you had a really bad case of bed head. The masks severly impaired your vision and I remeber tripping quite a few times that night, finally pushing the mask on to the top of my head. And how I lusted after one of those silky polyester jumpsuits that tied behind your neck, catching the back of your hair and tearing it out small clumps.

The small convenience type store that was near my house had cardboard boxes with a cellophane window on top that would give a peek inside to the costume. Every time we would go to the store I would run over to the aisle where the boxes were and sit down on the dirty linoleum floor and look through all the boxes. My mother would leave me there looking at them, eating my package of Necco wafers, while she shopped. It was the 1970’s, people did that back then I guess.

My mother relented that year and bought me a costume, the one and only time she would do so. There were only a couple of boxes to chose from since the majority had already been bought. But still I was thrilled.

The next year it was back to homemade costumes and I was a witch. A witch with a dirty face. Don’t I look thrilled? Honestly what is up with that witch make-up? I remember my mother burning the end of a cork and rubbing it all over my face.

Halloween 1974
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

Oh, and please notice the “artwork” hanging in the background. It was made out of little colored pebbles glued on to wood. I loved it and used to run my fingers over it’s surface, picking the rocks off. My mother would find the rocks scattered on the floor in our hallway and she was convinced it was a result of the glue drying up. I never let on my part.

Posted by Chris @ 5:58 pm | 20 Comments  

How To Make Me Love You

October 24, 2005

Knock knock

I opened the front door.

“Yes, can I help you?” I asked the man standing on my front porch, after first peeking out the window and determining he a) wasn’t carrying a stack of Bible pamphlets, or b) looked like some sort of crazed killer.

“Yes, I’d like to talk to your dad, please. Is he at home?” the man politely asked.

“Nooooooo, my Dad doesn’t live here.”

“Oh, your mother then.”

“I’m sorry, but this is my house. Is there something I can help you with?”

“I’m a bit confused. I’m looking for Robert Lastname.”

“Robert Lastname is my husband.”

“Wow, you don’t look old enough to be married.”

“I love you.” Okay I really didn’t say that, but I thought it. I would like to shackle him to my front porch so that every time I exit my house he’d be there to tell me how young I look. And I bet if I withheld food awhile I could get him to tell me I was pretty too. I wondered if I should let him know I had seven children , but then I decided why spoil the illusion.

And I do NOT think the man had vision problems as was suggested by my son, who not only does not want to see his next birthday but is currently being written out of my will.

Posted by Chris @ 5:20 pm | 18 Comments  

At Least He Didn’t Mention Beans

October 22, 2005

There is a certain subset of people who, upon finding out that you homeschool, feel the need to ask the children what they have been learning or quiz them on their math facts, historical dates, or some trivial tidbit of information. It is always done under the guise of making conversation, but I hate the way it puts the children on the spot. Especially when the children are faced with people who like to try and trick them by asking, “What is the thirteenth planet from the sun?” or “In what season do seagulls hibernate?”

I want to tell people to knock it off. It isn’t funny and frankly my children are too polite and respectful to call you an ass like you deserve, at least out loud. But I know they must be thinking it, they are being raised by me after all. Sometimes I will turn the question around, and in the same tone of false cheer ask, “So, what have you been doing that is worthy of note lately?”

The question– what are you learning?– always makes me cringe. Invariably one or more of the children will answer, “nothing.” Though I know that children who go to school answer this way too, for some reason it makes me feel like a failure, like I haven’t stimulated my children enough or provided them with interesting topics which they could discuss at length. And although I know that isn’t true, and that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, I can’t help but feel silently judged by how my children respond.

So when I overheard the librarian ask my children what they had been learning, I felt that familiar tightening in my throat. My 10 yr old replied that I had just taught them a great poem. The librarian was intrigued, and I’ll admit I was too. Emerson? a Shakespearean couplet? Shel Silverstein? I hoped it wasn’t going to be Dr. Seuss, because that would be a bit embarrassing hearing one of them recite The Foot Book and call it poetry.

I edged closer to the doorway of the children’s room so I could hear every word. My heart was swelling with pride; the constricting in my throat beginning to ease.

He began, “Excuse me for being rude, It was not me it was my food. It got so lonesome down below it just came up to say, hello.”

And when the ground didn’t open up and swallow me whole, I gave thanks that he didn’t precede the poem with a hearty belch like at home. I have to look for the positive wherever I can find it some days.

Suddenly “nothing” seemed like a perfectly acceptable, if not preferable, answer.

Posted by Chris @ 11:10 am | 15 Comments  

Aiming For The Target

October 20, 2005

Aiming For The Target
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

The thing about having a paid Flickr account is that one (uh, that would be me) feels the need to over share photographs that one (uh, me again) has taken. It is the internet equivalent of inviting people over for a slideshow, complete with witty (or maybe not) commentary.

I have put up a bunch more photographs. So grab your popcorn and if you hurry you might actually get a seat on my couch before the babies toss them into a pile on the floor.

Posted by Chris @ 8:11 am | 8 Comments  

The Joy Of Homeschooling

October 19, 2005

Step One
One gallon jug of white vinegar: $2.49

Step Two
Box of baking soda: $.55

Step Three
Single serving bottle of soda: $1.09

Step Four
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

Getting to watch the excitement of your children as they direct their own learning : PRICELESS

Getting hit in the head by the cork as it flies out of the soda bottle: occupational hazard

Posted by Chris @ 10:25 pm | 8 Comments