Warning: session_start() [function.session-start]: Cannot send session cookie - headers already sent by (output started at /home/chris/public_html/wp-includes/version.php:10) in /home/chris/public_html/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/wordpress-automatic-upgrade.php on line 119

Warning: session_start() [function.session-start]: Cannot send session cache limiter - headers already sent (output started at /home/chris/public_html/wp-includes/version.php:10) in /home/chris/public_html/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/wordpress-automatic-upgrade.php on line 119
The Best Birth Control

The Best Birth Control

October 28, 2005

I am about to patent the Best Birth Control Ever®. But Chris, you ask, didn’t Rob just have an operation so that you wouldn’t have to think about this?

Why yes, yes he did. But we have only recently realized that it was entirely unnecessary and superfluous as we already had access to the BBCE®. We have now begun using it to it’s fullest potential.

And I am excited at the prospect of sharing my new found knowledge with others, so that they may partake in the BBCE®.

It is a barrier method that has at it’s core an ultra sensitive heat sensor. The heat sensor senses how close the barrier is to the two consenting adults. The BBCE® can be placed entirely on top of one of the adults, or can be placed equidistant between the two consenting adults. The choice is not yours, but rather determined by the barrier device itself. The choices occur in random order so that there will be little temptation to try and outsmart the barrier.

Should anyone try to get out of the bed, causing the temperature in the bed to dip slightly, it will cause BBCE® to immediately sound an alarm. This alarm can only be quieted by both parties resuming their positions on opposite sides of the BBCE® barrier.

If you would like the BBCE®, you should act immediately as it can take up to ten months to recieve one. Construction of a product as effective as this one can not be rushed. Each one is individually crafted specifically for you!

This photo is shown as a representation of the product. Your own BBCE® may vary slightly from the one pictured, but rest assured the slight variations in appearance will not impact it’s performance.

Asleep

There is no warranty or guarantee, real or implied. The BBCE® is not returnable. Results mentioned are not to be considered typical and your results may vary. Proceed at your own risk.

Posted by Chris @ 8:33 am  

RSS feed for comments on this post.

The URI to TrackBack this entry is:
http://www.notesfromthetrenches.com/2005/10/28/the-best-birth-control/trackback/


Comments

  1. Jaybird says:

    Ohhhhh! I’ll take two!

  2. Jordana says:

    If those really worked so well, you wouldn’t have seven of them. ;)

  3. Darren says:

    Beagles also work.

  4. djuggler says:

    My first four were somewhat ineffective. The maintenance on the BBCE is much higher than implied in the documentation. The warantee period is extremely short and returns are near impossible. The look of shock at the mere mention of returning a BBCE is enough to make a grown man cower and cry. All that said I would still encourage everyone to get a BBCE or even two or more!

  5. Lauren says:

    Ahahahaa!! Been there, done that. Still got six kids! =)~

    I so sympathize with you on this one. And to think Rob is thinking, “MAN!! I went through that for nothing!” =)

  6. Bonnie says:

    That’s the only type of birth control I’ve ever used! Trust me–it works.

    By birth control you mean trying to have as many babies as possible, oui?

  7. Chris says:

    Jordana,
    This is the first one I have gotten with the new improved super duper heat sensor.

  8. novaks8 says:

    Haha

    They also work well for curbing that addiction you may have to enjoyable tasks like knitting or sewing, typing with two hands, or eating.

  9. Lori Ann says:

    yes, it works great, I received two in the past 3 years. My older model(13) was starting to become ineffective.

  10. thatgirl says:

    OK, I’m an idiot. I kept trying to figure out what BBCE stood for (I thought you were being extra clever) but the best I could come up with was “Baby Between Consenting … Edults?”

  11. Kirstenism says:

    This post has been removed by the author.

  12. Jodi says:

    OMGOSH! I haven’t laughed that hard in… forever!

    I already have five of them. Although they must be the older models as they are not equipped with the heat sensors. Hopefully I won’t be upgrading anytime soon!

    ROFLOL!

  13. SoliKirsten says:

    I’m sorry; we already hold the patent on your invention! Our model is called Thaddeus and he is very sensitive. Thus, not only is there birth control . . . he also prevents those annoying middle-of-the-night restroom trips, mind-deteriorating pleasure reading, weight-gaining midnight snacks, marriage-building talks, etc., etc., etc. See our model at http://ThadWatch.blogspot.com/!!

  14. huntington31 says:

    Oh God-that made me laugh out loud-I needed that-and I love the picure of him, all snuggled up in your sheets with his mouth wide open.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Too funny for words.

    That’s all we use. ;)

  16. Katie says:

    Cuteness! Mine worked like that but some how they have been upgraded to “Mommy and Daddy alone in their bedroom” sensors. I know I didn’t order that feature!

  17. Meg says:

    adorable. adorable. adorable.

  18. Annika says:

    I’ve put in an order, but was informed that there is a wait until sometime in May. However, apparently I can’t get pregnant in the interim. That is one amazing product!

  19. Julie says:

    Hilarious. We’ve got one, too.

  20. Melessa says:

    My fourth one functions just like that-my earlier ones didn’t. She should be grateful, she might not be here if they had.

  21. Jürgen Nation says:

    Ohmygod! AAHAHA! Best post ever. Jurgen (my dog, for those of you who may think I’m talking about a kid) actually watches sometimes. It’s so weird…he just sits down and stares. Very difficult to concentrate. We have to give him a few treats and shut the door and hope he doesn’t bark and claw at it. Jesus Christ. A little privacy, please??

  22. robiewankenobie says:

    that baby is a horrible birth control method. i mean really, could that child be any cuter? heck, my ovaries are churning just thinking ’bout that sweet picture. warm and cuddly ta boot? sheesh.

  23. Urban Mama says:

    I live in fear of the few times the BBCE actually fails… That’s how I got pregnant with #2. ;-)

  24. B.E.C.K. says:

    OMG, how utterly adorable. I want another one. :-)

  25. nabbalicious says:

    Ha! Awesome. Corgis are also effective. Especially when the female corgi thinks your husband is HER boyfriend.

  26. harvestmoon says:

    Now STOP that! You’re making me think that five is a nice number and I SO know that FOUR is the absolute perfect number so there. Stop I said, STOP! (that is one damn cute BBCE)

  27. Carmen says:

    HA! At some times, I have three BBCE devices in my bed at once, and STILL The Hubster wants to get it on.

  28. debs says:

    Ew isn’t that illegal?

    Too damn funny. Cute heat seeking device.

    Template looks great now in Mozilla :)

  29. O_Scientist says:

    In our house, we call it snuggle radar. Up there with food radar for when you want to sit down to dinner after a long day of running around…

  30. DollyMama says:

    Ah yes. I am familiar with BBCE as well. However, for people such as you and I will the size families we have, I suppose we are craftier than most to have been able to work around it as well as we apparently have.

  31. Antonio Hicks says:

    I was just browsing various blogs as I was doing a search on the word halloween, and I just wanted to say that I really like what you’ve done with your blog, even though it wasn’t particularly related to what I searched for. I appreciate your postings, and your blog is a good example of how a blog should be done. I’ve only just recently started a Posters website - feel free to visit it when you get a chance if you wish. Much success, antonio.

  32. Anonymous says:

    Now this is funny ;)

  33. Kim says:

    It never ceases to amaze me of the quality content in blogs. Yours is good.

    We have a http://www.my-sheepskin-boot.com ” rel=”nofollow”>uggs mens shoes
    site. It full of uggs mens shoes
    information.

    Come have coffee sometimes.

  34. cafemama says:

    oh, that’s wonderful - and I’ve been using mine for months now with fantastic success! in my experience, though, they only work for a year or so.

  35. PPending says:

    Ours comes in a particularly effective embodiment (which I believe I’ll patent as an improvement on your “prior art”), known as the “H” style.

  36. PPending says:

    Ours comes in a particularly effective embodiment, which I’m claiming as improvement on your “prior art”; it’s known as the “H”-style. We also get the “Z”-style sometimes, which tends to collapse, and once in a while the “Pile of Logs” style, which tends to actually reduce Oxygen levels altogether in the room, making it easier to sleep.

  37. scottaedwards says:

    Congradulations on a well written, interesting and superb blog! Have you heard about the shocking news? 1000’s of real people are earning quiet fortunes from home using the most ingenious automated system ever invented.

    Are you curious to find out what this is all about?

    Why not? You have nothing to lose.

    You can sign up for this system absolutely free of charge and check it all out for yourself.

    To start off, we have a video presentation for you to watch. Just turn up the speakers if you can, and click on the link below.

    Have fun and open your mind.

    It is all right here: low cost mlm It successfully covers low cost mlm related stuff.

    Come and check it out now, Scott :-)