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2005 October

Quote of Yesterday and Today

October 19, 2005

said by me at 11:30 pm last night

“Holy crap, I have no idea what I am doing.”

said by me at 7:00 am this morning

“Holy crap, I have no idea what I am doing.”

Bear with me, people. Why I decided to change my blog design late last night, when I am completely clueless about this sort of thing, I have no idea. Other than it is further evidence of my mental instability.

Also, I won’t be around most of the day to work on it as I have to bring the children to their weekly science class. It is held at a big camp and after the science class we get to use the camp facilities. This week, it’s archery. Yes, archery.

I just hope my children don’t shoot each other.
Because it is safe to say that I won’t be paying attention. My mind is preoccupied my things much greater than the safety of my children, namely, my blog design.

Posted by Chris @ 7:50 am | 14 Comments  

It’s Very Very Fragile

October 18, 2005

We have always used the real names for body parts at our house. Up until a couple of years ago we only had to talk about the penis, with the vagina only get a couple of mentions here and there. Mostly it was in the context of, “No, I do not have penis. I have a vagina. And no I don’t wish I had a penis, thankyouverymuch.”

Then I had a daughter and suddenly we were not all penis all the time at our house. But vagina is not an easy word for toddlers to say. So my daughter calls it, “her china”. And because I think it is so freaking cute I encourage it and use the term myself. Also when she talks to her grandmother on the phone and drones on and on about her china, my china, and do you like your china, it requires no embarrassed explanations from me.

So imagine how funny she thought it was when we were out shopping this past weekend and as we passed through the housewares section I told her not to touch the fragile china that was on display.

She stopped and looked around, “Where china?”

When I pointed to all the sets of dishes she laughed and laughed, repeatedly saying, “No, that not china! That’s a plate. That’s a bowl!” She thought it was the funniest joke ever.

I could only imagine she was looking around thinking that there would be vaginas somewhere on display. I was momentarily thankful that I didn’t bring her to the China buffet. Not sure how I would explain that one… “Food, from china!”

Posted by Chris @ 7:58 am | 27 Comments  

Life Before Google?

October 16, 2005

How would I have known how to make this?


Just Another Use For Duct Tape
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.
What is it, you ask?

This is a device to fix the television screen by degaussing the mask.

Huh? Why on earth do you need this?

This is what you need when your child, the one I have mentioned before, decides to stick magnets on your television screen and ruins the picture quality, making all the colors off. This means Jeff is wearing a green shirt, Murray is all stripy, and this is simply NOT ACCEPTABLE to a two year old, who feels the need to voice her displeasure loudly and continuously until your ears bleed.

The thing that keeps this child alive is that you just know that someone somewhere on the internet has written about the exact same thing.

And when you search and find people selling expensive products to fix this problem you know that someone somewhere must have figured out an alternate solution.

And that someone somewhere will have written a web page about it.

And the google gods pull through for you once again and you bow down before them in thanks.

Then instead of strangling said child, you can mentally compose a blog entry about it. Because if you can fix it, then it is humorous.

And it’s educational. “Gather ’round my children here is your science lesson for the week. Don’t say I never let you do cool science experiments.”


Fixing the television
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

Still confused?

Read this if you are interested in a full technical explanation.

Posted by Chris @ 1:14 pm | 18 Comments  

Thoughts On A Rainy Day

October 14, 2005

My pregnancy with my daughter was no different than it had been with any of the boys. There was no real discernible difference. That is something people loved to ask me during all my pregnancies following the first one.

“Do you feel different?” or “Are you carrying differently?”

The one and only thing that was different was I had an overwhelming craving for all things citrus. I could not drink enough orange juice, lemonade, and other citrusy foods. I would call Rob up at work and demand that he stop at the store and buy me orange juice. And leave work soon, I don’t care what you are doing. It’s for the baby! The baby needs vitamin C. With all the boy pregnancies I craved tomatoes and put ketchup on everything. I would make french fries just to have a socially acceptable tool for getting the ketchup into my mouth.

But with my daughter, I must have consumed a half gallon of orange juice alone per day.

Oh, and the lemonade at McDonald’s was just too strong of a craving for me to pass up. One day I drove through the drive through bought a lemonade, drank it on the way out of the driveway and promptly pulled back in and bought another one. I’m sure the drive through girl thought I was nuts, but I was pregnant, dammit, I needed that lemonade.

Then there was the time that I was a a party thrown by the wife of Rob’s boss. She had a few drinks too many and added to her already boisterous personality was a bad combination. She paraded me around the party commenting on my “fat ass”.

I know that in her own twisted way she was trying to make me feel good, to be encouraging, to make me feel hopeful that I could be carrying a fetus of the female variety, but dear lord the last thing you want when you are 6 months pregnant and dressed up for a party and thinking you are looking pretty nice, despite the weight of an extra person you are carrying around, is for someone to point out the spread of your backside.

She kept saying over and over and over again, ‘I just *know* you are having a girl. I mean look at how big your ass is!’ And then she would pull someone over and ask them what they thought. If they said boy she would turn me around and point to my “fat ass”.

Finally I told her that if I had a girl I would forgive her, but if it were a boy I’d would have no choice but to hunt her down and hurt her, possibly kill her, for the humiliation she was forcing me to endure. I’m sure that in the back of Rob’s co-workers minds I am forever the wife with the fat ass.

And so since I had a girl I have forgiven her, sort of.

It also helps that her husband got a different job and I don’t have to see her ever again.

Posted by Chris @ 12:19 pm | 19 Comments  

On This Day

October 13, 2005

1) Today I turned the heat on for the first time this season. And for the first time in a week I wasn’t cold and cranky. Just cranky, because I can fully visualize dollars flying out of the heating vents.

2) I ordered Christmas presents for my kids today. Waffle makers for everyone! Okay not really, but I am buying everyone monogramed towels. I can sense the excitement with that present already. I am really trying hard to get away from buying so many toys, because we already own most of the inventory at We Be Toys.

3) Rob sent me an email about his annual Christmas party, but the baby will still be nursing. Maybe next year. And maybe by next year I’ll be able to find a babysitter.

4) I think I may be mildewing from all the rain.

Posted by Chris @ 11:11 pm | 11 Comments  

The Budding Artist

October 12, 2005


Drawing
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

My daughter’s latest drawing, with description.

Posted by Chris @ 3:18 pm | 9 Comments  

She Is So Deprived

October 11, 2005


Typing On Her Computer
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

and has no “real” toys to play with.

Everyday she opens the cabinet and pulls out her computer. She types away on it, giving a running commentary, like, “I’m buying new shoes!”

Yesterday she was “typing”, the baby was entertaining himself by emptying out a box of wipes, and my 4 yr old was fashioning himself some handcuffs out of scotch tape (which made me laugh more than a good mother probably should when he couldn’t get free of the tape), and I thought why do I bother buying toys at all?

Posted by Chris @ 11:37 pm | 16 Comments  

Overheard At My House On Friday Night

October 10, 2005

Me: You do remember that I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, right?

Him: Yeah, I remember.

Me: I’m not bringing the baby, or any of the kids for that matter, with me.

Him: What do you mean you aren’t bringing the baby with you?

Me: The last time I brought him he cried the entire appointment and wanted nothing to do with the toys in the playroom. It was stressful. Well, more stressful than a dental appointment usually is.

Him: Well, I hope you are going to come right home then.

All, righty then. A few minutes go by, which is incidentally how I can tell that my medication is working because I didn’t immediately jump up and snap his head off. When I resume talking he doesn’t even realize that we are still having the same conversation.

Me: Aren’t you going away for three days this week?

Him: Yes, I am.

Me: And isn’t it for fun? Not business, correct?

Him: Yes, you know that.

Me: And aren’t you traveling again this month on business?

Him: Yes, I’ll be in [big southwestern city] for a week.

Me: And after that?

Him: Uh, I have a conference in [really big city that never sleeps].

Me: And after that?

Him: Uh, I’m going to [big southeastern city where I have zero desire to ever visit] next month… what are you getting at here?

Me: Nothing honey. Just clarifying a few things.

Him: Oh.

Me: Didn’t you just get back from somewhere?

Him: California?

Me: and?

Him: Wisconsin?

Me: and?

Him: ummm, why all these questions?

Me: You have been away at least twenty times in the past year and I just find it interesting that I can’t even go to the dentist, the DENTIST for crying out loud, without having to immediately scurry home like a cockroach that is suddenly caught in the blinding glare of a fluorescent light.

Him: (laughing because he realizes exactly what I am getting at) I’m sorry. You are right. Why don’t you just take the rest of the day and do whatever you want to do.

Me: I don’t have anything I want to do. Just making my point.

Him: Are you sure that new medication of yours is working?

Me: I’m laughing and you haven’t had anything thrown at you, have you?

(And I should add that when I came home, not only was the house clean, he had done some home repair work, cooked a real lunch, and had a pot of sauce cooking on the stove, AND had written up a schedule delegating baby watching duties to the kids which they did happily. I think I need to get a real job and leave him home with the kids and house every day.)

Posted by Chris @ 5:22 pm | 18 Comments  

Post Partum Depression, Nine Months Later

October 8, 2005

My latest post is up over a dotmoms. It’s a bit different than what I usually write for this blog and I was a bit hesitant to share it. However when I read about the pregnancy of the girlfriend of the celebrity-who-shall-not-be-named, I decided I had to share.

While I don’t wish post partum depression on anyone, it would only seem fitting for her to get it and then castrate him in his sleep when he tells her to take vitamins.

Posted by Chris @ 5:51 pm | 14 Comments  

Uploaded pictures from our kayaking adventure

October 6, 2005


Six year old in his kayak
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

The kids had such a great time. There aren’t too many pictures since I was concerned with the whole drowning aspect of it. But I managed not to freak out by counting to seven over and over and over again.

Posted by Chris @ 7:57 pm | 9 Comments