Strange Days Indeed
November 30, 2005
“Watch me, NOW!” she screams.
Nothing brings out the dormant tyrant in a two year old like potty training. They know that they have all the power. They know that you want them to do something. And they make you pay. Oh boy, do they make you pay.
Over the past few days I have done more entertaining in my bathroom than I thought was possible. I have sung songs on command, dance, clapped, cheered, done the hokey-pokey and expressed all the cheeriness I could possibly muster over bodily wastes. I have begun saying, “Wouldn’t you like a little privacy?”
After each trip to the bathroom she is rewarded with Skittles. The first day she was rewarded just for trying. Every sit upon the potty earned a candy as a reward, whether or not she actually did anything. By the next day I told her that she would have candy only when she actually pooped or peed. She wasn’t that keen on this idea. But she was in love with her new Barbie undies, and who wouldn’t be thrilled with Barbie’s face on the crotch of their underwear, so there was no turning back.
But my daughter is smart, too smart I fear.
Tonight I was putting on my vaudeville routine in the bathroom when she stopped me by holding up her hand, palm facing me. “I am done,” she proclaimed and hopped off her royal throne. “See my poop.” I think if she knew the words she would be following it up with,’Wipe my royal ass, you lowly servant woman.’
I look into the toilet, ready to scream with delight over poop. The toilet is empty. “I don’t see any poop.”
“Yes, it’s right there,”she said, and then sensing that I wasn’t buying it she decided to elaborate. “Two poopies. See them. One. Two.”
“I really don’t see any poopies in the potty. Where are they?” I asked.
She let out a huge sigh, as if she is merely humoring me, “Right there! One. Two. They are very very tiny poopies. Maybe you not see them.”
“That must be it.” I agree because there is no way to win this argument with a two year old.
“Get my candies. Now.”
And, having been given my orders, I curtsey and scurry away to retrieve the candies lest her royal highness be kept waiting too long and decide to invoke her wrath upon me or make me put on another puppet show with empty toilet paper tubes.
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