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2005 December

Making Amends

December 29, 2005

This morning I woke up determined to right the wrongs that I did yesterday. The kids were still asleep and they all look so cute and innocent and QUIET when they are sleeping. Today was going to be Good Mother Day.

I took the leftover ham bone and made it into split pea and ham soup. I let the kids help me. Oh what fun was had by all! We chopped together, measured together, chopped some more. Oh so much damn fun I could hardly stand it! But wait, the day was just beginning I had much MUCH more fun planned.

Playing yahtzee

Then I played Animal Yahtzee. Not once, not twice, but four times. And considering how much I hate games, this was an impressive showing. And then, because I was playing Good Mom today, I played Animal Rummy. I didn’t let my eyes roll back in my head once and stifled the urge to say, “Hurry up, discard!”

Animal Rummy/

Then the kids smashed open the geodes they had received as stocking stuffers. That was FUN! What a great present that was for indoor use, because you know that you can never have enough tiny rock particles all over the house. And excited children running around waving hammers is always a recipe for success.

I ooohed and ahhhed over several Lego creations and proclaimed my love for them, saying I wanted to marry them I loved them so much.

Since I was also trying to work the good wife angle as well, I baked bread. The little kids helped knead it and only once did I have to remove a child from the table who decided that jumping on the dough would be a much more effective way to knead it.

Kneading dough

My daughter ate obscene amounts of candy all day long. But she did use the potty. I had to resist singing the song “Bigmouth” by The Smiths when she was eating two lollipops simultaneously, because it was good mom day. And good moms don’t sing songs like that. They sing songs like “Who is Captain Feathersword?” and they sing it without making any innuendos about what Captain Feathersword is tickling with that sword of his.

And we made homemade root beer with a kit my 9 year old got for Christmas. And then made some slime that my 8 year old got for Christmas. We learned that food coloring stains.

When my 8 year old told me that he had broken the faucet in one of our bathrooms by using it as a handle to hoist himself up onto the sink. I just smiled and walked away. This unusual reaction prompted him to follow me and ask, “Did you hear what I just said?” But I didn’t want to spoil Good Mother Day by shouting, “Are you freaking kidding me?”

Just when I thought the fun was coming to an end, someone suggested painting.

Before I could answer my brain exploded and began oozing out of my eyeballs. And my children grabbed their spoons and scooped it up and ate it. It was green. Now it is gone.

Here I am trying to hold my brain matter back in my eye sockets.

Moments Before I Died

This Good Mother Day was tough. I am looking forward to tomorrow when once again mediocrity can reign. Long live the good enough mother, I like her best — what with her intact brain cells and all. A solid C, that is what I am aiming for.

A Day in the Life set of photos is here.

Posted by Chris @ 4:18 pm | 28 Comments  

Barely Passing

December 28, 2005

If I were graded daily on motherhood, today I would get a D-. The only thing that would prevent me from getting an F outright would be the fact that I did feed my children today. That has to get me some points, right? But dinner was macaroni and cheese… from a box… and not the Organic kind either. Nope I served my children the day glow orange mac and cheese. And I called it dinner.

Today I yelled at my children. They were fighting and yelling at each other all day long, so it seemed the only sensible thing to do would be to yell right back. I mean I know I listen to someone screaming in the background like a shrew.

Today I told my son that I did not want to hear another Calvin and Hobbes comic recited verbatim when he refuses to even memorize all his multiplication tables, because it makes me crazy that he is wasting his obviously limited precious brain cells on that useless crap. Yes, I said that. Nice, huh? He had a smartassed comeback about calculators and being an underappreciated genius.

Today I let my 1 year old son suck on the bottle of Hershey’s syrup he took out of the refrigerator because I just couldn’t bear to hear him cry anymore.

Today I held off giving my daughter Tylenol just a wee bit longer than the recommended time, because I was enjoying having her lay on the couch and watch tv for a change rather than climbing on and in everything.

Today I told my daughter, who is two remember, that I would buy her an iPod if she would just pee on the potty, something I have no intention of doing. So that makes me a big fat liar. She is refusing to pee or poop on the potty and is holding it in for incredibly unhealthy amounts of time. I have run out of ideas as the bribing, candy, entertaining and sadly, even yelling are doing nothing. I am worried that she is going to be neurotic one day and her psychiatrist will trace it all back to her potty training days with an uptight mother.

Today I told my nine year old son that I had sent in his entry for a contest he wanted to enter. In reality I had forgotten all about it. My motivation for lying was completely selfish. I didn’t want him to be angry at me. Much better for him to think that his entry wasn’t good enough, don’t you think?

Today I hid in the bathroom with the last piece of pumpkin pie and a tub of Cool Whip because I didn’t want to have to share it. I felt such a sense of entitlement to eat that piece of pumpkin pie alone. I’m sure that it isn’t healthy.

Today I told my son that I would play Chutes and Ladders with him… later. And I never did. Tonight I walked by the dining room table and saw the game still sitting there ready to play. Being disemboweled with a butter knife could not be as painful.

Today I asked my daughter to do something and she said, “Sorry Mom. I can’t. I too busy.” She sounded like me. And then my heart shattered into a million pieces.

Today at 5:00pm I decided it was late enough to pour myself a glass of wine.

Finally, today I lied. It was big enough to be three pieces of pie. You know if I had cut it and not eaten with a fork right out of the pie tin with my back pressed up against the bathroom door.

Posted by Chris @ 7:40 pm | 36 Comments  

Highlights From A Christmas

December 27, 2005

Visit With Santa

The presents that were the unexpected biggest hits and caused the recipients to scream, “Thanks Mom. This is all I have EVER wanted.” Which I wish I had known before I shopped:

pedometer, given to my 9 year old who spent the entire day yesterday running and jumping around the house and giving us hourly, sometimes even more frequent, updates on how many steps he had walked thus far. It also gave me the ability to say things like, “Hey, go outside and run around the house ten times and see how far that is!” or “I wonder how many steps it is to bring the garbage from the kitchen out to the garbage cans?”

grabber claw, now there is nothing out of reach and pinching people’s butts has never been so much fun!

empty 2L bottle of Sprite, though technically it wasn’t a Christmas present, but it was bought for Christmas and given the amount of enjoyment my 1 yr old has gotten out of the empty bottle, it should have been

A gun that shoots suction cups and was bought at the Dollar Store has been much loved by everyone. Now I have little spit circles on all of my windows

The present that made us laugh the most:

A wool peacoat I gave to Rob which claimed to be reversible. But the reverse side was the quilted lining which looked like a lining and not at all like it was the right side, except for the pockets. I can’t adequately describe how funny it was. You’ll just have to trust me on this one. It was tears streaming down my cheeks, peeing in my pants funny. The children didn’t think it was nearly as funny, but I think that is probably because they were sober.*

The present that broke as soon as it was opened and renewed my hatred for all things Barbie:

Barbie Magna Doodle piece of pink crap.

The present that I have enjoyed the most:

Skipper. I had one of these when I was a kid and used to play with it all the time. I discovered I am still good at it. The kids and I had numerous competitions yesterday, with me screaming things like, “I’m taking you down suckah. You can’t beat me.” and “Be serious, this isn’t a game!”

The most unexpected present:

A beautiful red wool coat that was given to me “from Rob”. He was very surprised and I complimented him on his exquisite taste.

There is so much more I could write about but my fingers are just bloody stumps from all the twist-tie undoing and my tiny screwdriver services are required yet again to install some batteries that will eventually end up costing more than the toy itself. I have Christmas photos up at Flickr, just click the Santa one at the top of the post if you want to relive my Christmas in excrutiating detail

*not that we were drunk, just enjoying a bottle of wine or three on Christmas Eve

Posted by Chris @ 8:01 am | 13 Comments  

Trying To Make Up For Being Naughty

December 25, 2005

Cookies For Santa

Let’s hope Rudolph could guide the sleigh as the designated driver.

Posted by Chris @ 10:12 am | 7 Comments  

And Then The Threats Fail

December 23, 2005

Driving home from seeing Santa at the mall this morning my two year old daughter was throwing a screaming tantrum in the van… she wanted to shop more, much to the dismay of all the penis bearing people in our family.

I turned around in my seat and said to her, “Santa is watching you.”

She stopped screaming, looked at me, and said, “No he is not. HE NOT AT HOME! HE AT THE STORE!”

Various children piped up with theories about Mrs. Claus watching or satellite monitoring systems, but she would have none of it.

Posted by Chris @ 3:26 pm | 6 Comments  

Life At The Gulag

December 22, 2005

1) Pour wood furniture polish all over the floor

2) Tell children to put on their socks

3) Make children run and slide all over floor in their stocking feet, thereby polishing it and allowing me free time to eat bon-bons and have a pedicure

4) Realize too late that furniture polish makes the floor REALLY slippery

Indoor Skating

5) Slip and slide throughout the house while singing “Slip sliding away, Slip sliding away…” until realizing just how depressing that song it

6)Tell children the reason it doesn’t hurt when they fall to the ground is because they are closer to the ground and that the extra butt padding that I have is negated by the increased distance to the floor

7) Tell children Santa doesn’t like it when you point out Mom’s excess padding and that they had better do some more chores to make sure they stay on the nice list

Posted by Chris @ 3:01 pm | 8 Comments  

Sing Along

Three Days Before Christmas and I have on my mind:

12 snowy boot prints
11 loads of laundry
10 dozen cookies
9 pounds I’m gaining
8 beds to make up
7 bratty children
6 hours of wrapping
5 dirrrrrr-ty bathrooms
4 pies to bake
3 crumb filled couches
2 bottles of wine

and I wonder where I can buy coal.*

*(both for the kids and myself)

Posted by Chris @ 1:26 pm | 8 Comments  

Overheard At My House

December 20, 2005

“Put it in!”

“I am putting it in!”

“That’s the wrong hole. Put it in the right hole.”

“I’m trying.”

“Will you concentrate already. It really isn’t hard.”

“Yes it is hard.”

“Push harder.”

“I am”

“Harder. Harder. C’mon, keep pushing.”

“There. It’s in.”

“Sheesh, I feel like a cigarette.”

“What? Why?”


“Why do they make those ski gloves so hard to put on?”

Posted by Chris @ 8:25 pm | 6 Comments  

I Could Feel My Hair Turning Grey

There is a gallery of Holiday Photos up at dotmoms. See if you can tell which one belongs to me. I know, you all can hardly contain yourself with excitement.

I think I aged ten years in the dollar store today. I found glasses there, more like water goblets than wine glasses though, but I needed those also. I am a little frightened about what it says about me that I now buy my glassware at the dollar store, but oh well.

I can say with absolute certainty that I will never buy any sort clothing there… or make-up. So I still maintain a shred of more former pre-child, pre-crazy, pre-aged self.

In other news someone nominated me for a BoB award. Thank you. Maybe this year I’ll get to be a finalist and go all Sally Field on you.

Posted by Chris @ 4:08 pm | 5 Comments  

She’s Making A List, Ignoring It Twice

Things I still have left to do before Christmas:

1)Bake and decorate our gingerbread house. I am thinking of taking a lead from my friend Annalise and adapting her cookie-less chocolate chip cookie recipe and making a gingerbread-free gingerbread house, which would basically be giving the kids packages of Necco wafers, gum drops, and licorice string to eat and calling it a day.

2)Wrap way too many freaking presents for my children, which a month from now I will be tripping over and wondering why I didn’t just toss my money into the garbage and save myself the time and aggravation of shopping.

3) Clean my house so it will pass the white glove test of the relatives. God help me. Right now my house is in “kick a path” condition.

4) Buy some new wine glasses, since I have broken all but two of ours. If I don’t get to buy some I must then choose three relatives I would not mind sharing my glass with. Why do they make wine glasses so fragile? Don’t they know that drunk people will be handling them?

5) Bring the kids to see the mall Santa and get their picture taken with him. Wonder if I could test out my new wine glasses while doing this.

6) Decide what to serve for Christmas dinner and then buy it and cook it.

7)Bring the kids to the dollar store so they can buy presents for each other, Rob and me. Because Rob needs another one dollar ceramic figurine for his office, which is where we tell the kids all the tacky shit, ugly crap, presents they give us end up.
8) Clean the bathrooms and make boy use the outdoors until after Christmas.

These are just the highlights of the normal things. I also have to finish painting my kitchen cabinets and installing the new hinges and hardware, thus giving the illusion to the relatives that our cabinets aren’t held together by spit and prayer. And hang my new dining room curtains. And… and…

And yet here I sit procrastinating. The only explanation I have for this is that I love the adrenaline rush of not knowing if it will all be done in time. Will the relatives be eating PB&J and the kids rooting through Target bags for the gifts?

I think I need more coffee.

Posted by Chris @ 7:54 am | 18 Comments