December 28, 2005
If I were graded daily on motherhood, today I would get a D-. The only thing that would prevent me from getting an F outright would be the fact that I did feed my children today. That has to get me some points, right? But dinner was macaroni and cheese… from a box… and not the Organic kind either. Nope I served my children the day glow orange mac and cheese. And I called it dinner.
Today I yelled at my children. They were fighting and yelling at each other all day long, so it seemed the only sensible thing to do would be to yell right back. I mean I know I listen to someone screaming in the background like a shrew.
Today I told my son that I did not want to hear another Calvin and Hobbes comic recited verbatim when he refuses to even memorize all his multiplication tables, because it makes me crazy that he is wasting his obviously limited precious brain cells on that useless crap. Yes, I said that. Nice, huh? He had a smartassed comeback about calculators and being an underappreciated genius.
Today I let my 1 year old son suck on the bottle of Hershey’s syrup he took out of the refrigerator because I just couldn’t bear to hear him cry anymore.
Today I held off giving my daughter Tylenol just a wee bit longer than the recommended time, because I was enjoying having her lay on the couch and watch tv for a change rather than climbing on and in everything.
Today I told my daughter, who is two remember, that I would buy her an iPod if she would just pee on the potty, something I have no intention of doing. So that makes me a big fat liar. She is refusing to pee or poop on the potty and is holding it in for incredibly unhealthy amounts of time. I have run out of ideas as the bribing, candy, entertaining and sadly, even yelling are doing nothing. I am worried that she is going to be neurotic one day and her psychiatrist will trace it all back to her potty training days with an uptight mother.
Today I told my nine year old son that I had sent in his entry for a contest he wanted to enter. In reality I had forgotten all about it. My motivation for lying was completely selfish. I didn’t want him to be angry at me. Much better for him to think that his entry wasn’t good enough, don’t you think?
Today I hid in the bathroom with the last piece of pumpkin pie and a tub of Cool Whip because I didn’t want to have to share it. I felt such a sense of entitlement to eat that piece of pumpkin pie alone. I’m sure that it isn’t healthy.
Today I told my son that I would play Chutes and Ladders with him… later. And I never did. Tonight I walked by the dining room table and saw the game still sitting there ready to play. Being disemboweled with a butter knife could not be as painful.
Today I asked my daughter to do something and she said, “Sorry Mom. I can’t. I too busy.” She sounded like me. And then my heart shattered into a million pieces.
Today at 5:00pm I decided it was late enough to pour myself a glass of wine.
Finally, today I lied. It was big enough to be three pieces of pie. You know if I had cut it and not eaten with a fork right out of the pie tin with my back pressed up against the bathroom door.
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