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Yum, Celery Sticks

Yum, Celery Sticks

January 9, 2006

It seems as though everyone I know, both online and in life, has recommitted themselves to exercise as a resolution for the new year. In a gesture of solidarity I decided I should exercise as well.

And to be completely honest, I don’t want to be the fatty at the beach this summer, thinking I should have put down the Christmas cookies and not been afraid of doing some sit ups. I don’t want my stomach to completely hide my bathing suit bottom when I sit down or be forced to suck my stomach in and hold my breath. Because I would inevitably pass out and collapse in an even more unflattering position. And knowing my children, one of them would be sure to photograph it and add it to the collection of photos they already have of my nostrils, armpits and many chins.

Today I was running on my treadmill for the first time in, I don’t even know how long. As I was running I kept feeling something behind me.

“What is that?” I wondered. It felt like I was wearing a large fanny pack, but I knew I wasn’t. And not just because I don’t own one and frankly wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one.

“Is there something hanging off the waistband of my sweatpants that is hitting me in my rear end?” I wondered.

“Is one of my children smacking me with something as a joke?”

I brought my hand down to my backside and felt around. But there was nothing out of the ordinary there.

That is when I came to the horrible realization that what was going on behind me was my own ass jiggling against itself. I need a bra, for my butt.

How depressing. I can no longer lie to myself and pretend that my underwear shrunk in the wash.

And even more depressing, it is Girl Scout cookie season. I will not be able to partake in the Samoas, Trefoils, or Thin Mints this year.

Hold me.

Posted by Chris @ 8:38 am  

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  1. Flutter says:

    We have started an online game called Weigh In Wednesday! Keeps ya honest and trust me I need it. If you want to know how it goes just email me and I will send it your way!

  2. Meg says:

    ACK! I just “ad” to order a box of thin mints and a box of Samoas from a colleague. Oh well, I can LOOK at the pretty pictures of cookies on the box while Brent eats them, right?

    My butt fat isn’t as bad as my side fat, by the way. The strength of that fat is sufficient to pour over the tops of my pants.

  3. aka meritt says:

    I’ve seen a photo of you… absolutely gorgeous, too young-looking to be a mommy and you look like you haven’t given birth to one child much less a slew of them. :)
    I hear ya on the back-side thing. I was jogging in place (not for exercise though - you crazy!? - just to keep WARM as I’m reptilan blooded) and I swear the fat from my backside and hips was flying up to hit me in the back and sides. Ewwww.

    But… exercise? Oh how I hate it. LOL.

  4. Chris says:

    meritt is my new best friend.

  5. Jody says:

    I am right with ya sista! I need to dust off my bike and get my rear back on the road. Ugh!

    And I ditto Meritt! You look fantastic.

  6. Kristen says:

    I feel your pain. I went for a jog yesterday for the first time in weeks, and it almost killed me. And every step seemed to, uh, take so much more effort, kind of like what you’d expect if you were…carrying. more. weight. ARGH!!

  7. JeepGirl says:

    I am on the same boat. For some reason this boat is getting more crowded.
    I’ve joined a group a ladies in this made-up club. We have paid in a week ago to start. Every week we weight in together and whomever loses the most doesn’t have to pay in as much as the others. At the end of March we have 1st place and 2nd place price money. I’m not doing well. I haven’t gained but really haven’t lost either.
    I have four kids so I’ve just layered my fat from child to child. Been walking on the treadmill on my lunch.
    Good luck and I love your site.

  8. JeepGirl says:

    This post has been removed by the author.

  9. Denny says:

    Great blog - looks like you really have a happy house. Cool to hear you painted your stairway steps too - would love to see a pic.

  10. MoMMY says:

    We don’t need to go into the whole fat hitting ourselves. I’m with ya sister. But I too have seen your photo and I don’t believe it for a minute.

    Oh, and I wanted to let you know Happy De-Lurking Week!

  11. Silly Old Bear says:

    Here’s something to ponder:

    Spandex. As in bike shorts.

    And the funny way it has of stretching and trying to keep your, um, bits from jiggling. Kinda.

    Oh, and this is a d-lurking post, too; thanks for dropping by. I, too, need to lose some weight. It’s bad when the kids start commenting about how the defensive lineman on TV could learn from my example and bulk up a bit.

  12. ohhmama! says:

    Ohh I know what you mean. I can also picture those yummy cookies right this minute! Why do they tempt us so?

  13. Annika says:

    Can I have your cookies?

  14. speckledpup says:

    I cannot jog.
    If my butts not spanking me, my boobs are reminding me that I breastfed and they’re saggy.
    dear lard…..

  15. Kristie says:

    This reminds me of the time I went to get dressed one morning and grabbed a pair of underwear out of my dresser drawer. So much fabric came out of the drawer I was just certain I must have grabbed two pair by mistake …. so I started shaking them, trying to get the second pair to fall back in the drawer. That’s when I realized nothing was falling, and that was actually just ONE pair of underwear. One huge pair of granny-panties, which is what I sunk to. (sigh)

  16. Melessa says:

    I knew I was in a bad way when I started jogging at the Y and started having troubles with cramping, not from effort but because of all the jiggle from my post-baby belly (or in my case, post-4 babies belly). I do have to wear a support garment for this when I run. Real sexy, I know. Sadly, losing weight hasn’t really helped because now I just sag and droop in other spots. A fact my very image-conscious grandmother pointed out to me on her last visit, and suggested I visit my nearest tan-and-tone place. Nice.
    You, by the way, look just as wonderful as everyone else has emphasized in their replies here. In fact, I would ‘hate’ you (said with tongue-in-cheek) for your gorgeous looks, great house, and adorable children; not to mention your superior writing talent-but I’m of the opinion that we moms should remember more often that we’re all in this together. So instead, just know you look like you’ve got it all together from my side of the fence.

    On an unrelated note, thanks for reminding my about Girl Scout cookies, I guess it’s time for DH to take my daughter’s order form to work.

  17. halloweenlover says:

    All this weekend my jeans were driving me crazy, until I realize that it was my stomach pouring out the front that was killing me. I went to the doctor in October and then December, and I’d gained four pounds in that time period. There is only one excuse for gaining four pounds in a month and a half, and unfortunately, I do not have that excuse.

    Sigh. I’m sure your booty is still smokin’ though.

  18. "D" says:

    Well, I could commiserate with y’all, but the words of my 8 yr old, “mommy, your soooo soft!” said with such joy and pleasure made my flabbiness slightly easier to bear…even in granny-pants undies!

  19. 4 girls and 3 boys says:

    You must have had the tread mill going to fast. You don’t have enough on you to slap against you. In my case the slapping could knock me off course.

  20. kate says:

    . . . ahhh the horror of flapping body parts . . .but I don’t have any such reason for which people will say something to me like “dang girl you’ve had six kids! give yourself a break!”. No. We can simply blame the fluffy carby products that are so lovely. I too have recommited myself to working out again. May this be our own personal Butt-Be-Gone potion . . . (ps- found you via dotmoms though i’m not a mom, but have a dotmom writer friend :) Love your pics . . . so cute . . .

  21. Chuck says:

    You look fine, if anything a bit thin.

    Christ women, you earned a bit of chunk, so enjoy it.

    Then again I was always a skinny bugger till I had six kids and now I look just normal. HEhe. Being skinny sucks you are always cold.

    Anyways, if you do it, do it for you, you look just fine.

  22. Mom2the5rs says:

    Chris, I went to the Y today to work out. I am new to the Y and I am scared of all of the machines, the only one I feel remotely confortable on is the stationary bike and they were all taken! A friend saw me wandering around the room and offered to help me learn this stair stepping thingie. I tried it…I lasted 6 minutes! I thought I was going to die. Fortunatly for all concerned, the bike freed up and I sat my chubby butt down and rode for 25 min. Your post cracked me up! I have felt that same fanny pack rising up to get me as I jog to save my 2 year old from oncoming cars and such. Not a good feeling. I call the big flap in front the Alien. It truly seems to be from another planet.

  23. Alissa says:

    oh if only the acronym LMAO really worked… you’d be my excersize daily

  24. Katie says:

    That’s it, no treadmill for me. I can’t have body parts smacking me around. By the way, you do look fabulous already!

  25. Xangelle says:

    Yah, the whole wiggle-jiggle thing sucks! This morning, my 5 year old smacked me on the butt, and you know it’s bad when you keep jiggling after they’ve stopped.