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2006 January

It’s A Week Long Event

January 11, 2006

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Yes, that time of year has come around again. Last year it was only a day long event, this year it is a week long extravaganza.

According to Sheryl, there is a direct correlation between weight loss, and commenting on your favorite blogs, so leave a comment because it will make you skinny. Not that you’re fat, because you’re not!! So tell me how long you’ve been reading my blog, or your favorite book, or the first word that pops into your mind when you hear the word shish-kabob, and remember, if you don’t leave a comment, you’re letting the terrorists win.

So do you part for national security and lose weight while you are at it! Leave a comment, I promise I won’t bite… unless you are into that sort of thing.

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Updated to add: I fully intend to visit everyone who leaves a comment. I started but got sidetracked by so many interesting people! And now the kids are hungry, like I didn’t just feed them yesterday. A sure sign that it is time to step away from the computer is if you find yourself saying, “I know the baby is squirting Windex on you, is it going to kill you?… Well, keep your mouth closed then.”

Posted by Chris @ 8:01 am | 175 Comments  

Laugh Last, Laugh Best

January 10, 2006

I think I have the most lazy children on the face of the planet. Seriously, if there is some sort of contest I would win it hands down.

Every day when the children come inside from playing in the snow I say the same exact thing. Take off your wet stuff and put it in the dryer, line your boots up neatly, and put your gloves flat on the counter. Every. single. winter. day. It isn’t like these demands, requests, pleas come as a surprise.

And yet every day I go into our mudroom and there in the middle of the floor is a huge pile of wet outerwear, mixed with boots, boot liners, scarves, gloves, socks, and other randomly discarded articles of clothing. I just don’t get it. They literally disrobe with the dryer two feet away from them on one side and the closet two feet away on the other side, but they just leave their things on the floor.

This morning I was in the laundry room/mudroom trying to fold clothes and put them into laundry baskets when my aggravation peaked. I opened up the closet door, picked stuff up off of the floor, and began to throw things in the closet, one item at a time. I paused very dramatically for effect between items, announcing what the item was for all the world to hear.

“Oh look, a BOOT!” as I threw it in and it bounced off the back wall of the closet.

“And here a crumpled up pair of soaking wet snowpants. Those will be nice to put on later!” as I held them up in the air for everyone to examine and feel filled with remorse.

This went on for quite a while. Even though my children, like most human children, only have two hands, there were at least twenty pair of wet gloves in the mix, as well as several more hats than they have heads.

When I finished I slammed the closet door. Six pair of eyes were looking at me. I yelled, in a way that I am sure will be the source of much ridicule for years and years to come, “There, how do you like them apples.” Six children dissolved into laughter.

For some reason my tantrums never have the desired effect. I never have contrite, apologetic children. Instead they mock me.

But that’s okay. They can laugh all they want. Next time I am throwing the clothes outside into the snow. We’ll see how funny that is when they are getting dressed outdoors and freezing their apples off.

I’ll be laughing last. And them’s the best apples of all.

Posted by Chris @ 1:17 pm | 25 Comments  

Yum, Celery Sticks

January 9, 2006

It seems as though everyone I know, both online and in life, has recommitted themselves to exercise as a resolution for the new year. In a gesture of solidarity I decided I should exercise as well.

And to be completely honest, I don’t want to be the fatty at the beach this summer, thinking I should have put down the Christmas cookies and not been afraid of doing some sit ups. I don’t want my stomach to completely hide my bathing suit bottom when I sit down or be forced to suck my stomach in and hold my breath. Because I would inevitably pass out and collapse in an even more unflattering position. And knowing my children, one of them would be sure to photograph it and add it to the collection of photos they already have of my nostrils, armpits and many chins.

Today I was running on my treadmill for the first time in, I don’t even know how long. As I was running I kept feeling something behind me.

“What is that?” I wondered. It felt like I was wearing a large fanny pack, but I knew I wasn’t. And not just because I don’t own one and frankly wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one.

“Is there something hanging off the waistband of my sweatpants that is hitting me in my rear end?” I wondered.

“Is one of my children smacking me with something as a joke?”

I brought my hand down to my backside and felt around. But there was nothing out of the ordinary there.

That is when I came to the horrible realization that what was going on behind me was my own ass jiggling against itself. I need a bra, for my butt.

How depressing. I can no longer lie to myself and pretend that my underwear shrunk in the wash.

And even more depressing, it is Girl Scout cookie season. I will not be able to partake in the Samoas, Trefoils, or Thin Mints this year.

Hold me.

Posted by Chris @ 8:38 am | 25 Comments  

My Kingdom For A Cute Hat And Scarf

January 7, 2006


I LOVE my new hat and scarf.
Originally uploaded by the big yellow house.

Miles just recieved the dowry from his future mother-in-law. A beautiful hand knit hat and scarf.

Yes, I have already picked his future wife, the darling Sophia. Though I must admit that I am having second thoughts. I am not sure that the world could handle the cuteness that would result should the two of them choose to procreate.

Look how happy he is. It’s almost like he is saying, “It’s my hat and scarf, sucker! Get your own!”

Posted by Chris @ 10:52 pm | 11 Comments  

Over At dotmoms

My latest post Giving It All I’ve Got: Fantasy and Reality, in which I write about why I don’t make resolutions for the new year.

Posted by Chris @ 2:47 pm | 3 Comments  

Another Reason I Should Play The Lottery

January 5, 2006

Last night Rob stopped at the grocery store on his way home from work. I love when he goes grocery shopping. It’s like Christmas when he gets home and I go through all the bags, searching for a good snack.

It also saves us money. He writes a list and he does not deviate from that list one iota. He is not tempted by sales, or snacks, or the gathering-impulsive buying gene. His plan is singular in purpose. Find the items on the list as quickly as possible and get out of there.

He got home around 9:00pm and I rummaged through the bags found a box of granola and went back to the sunroom, or freezing cold room as it would be more aptly named this time of year, and sat down munching away. A few minutes later Rob came in the room and flopped down beside me. Neither of us made a move to deal with the groceries.

Finally Rob broke, “Do you need some help putting the groceries away?”

“Uh, no I don’t need any help, do you?”

A few more minutes passed.

“Do you want some help putting away the groceries?”

“Is this your way of asking me to get my lazy butt up off of the couch and put them away?”

“You said it, not me.”

***

More time passes and we are both still holding out, hoping the other person breaks first.

“My friend asked me if I wanted to go to (the big professional basketball game) tomorrow night. Would you mind if I go?”

“What do I get? Hmmm?”

“What do you want? Sex?” he asked hopefully.

I eventually recovered from laughing, “How about you put the groceries away?”

“Is that really what you want? Do you really think that is a fair exchange?”

“Yes and yes.” I answered.

Rob let out a big long sigh. “Forget it then. I’ll tell him I can’t go.”

“Suit yourself. I wish there was a place that would deliver your groceries AND put them away.”

“There is. It’s called heaven.”

Posted by Chris @ 2:38 pm | 18 Comments  

Quote Of The Day

Said by my 5 yr old after listening in on a conversation about the glory that was Ancient Rome.

“Have you ever eaten a gladiator*?”

And now I can not get the glory that is Russell Crowe in a toga out of my head.

*he confused the word with alligator.

Posted by Chris @ 8:30 am | 6 Comments  

Fourteen Sixteen Inches And Counting

January 3, 2006

Let It Snow...

I called a good friend of mine first thing this morning. As soon as she answered I screamed into the phone, “The milk and bread! I forgot the milk and bread! What kind of mother am I?!? We’re all going to DIE like the Donner party.” Then I hung up.

Don’t you wish I had your phone number?

Updated to add: It is 4:18pm and it is STILL snowing. I think we have about 20 inches there now. There is no way Rob is going to make it up the driveway tonight when he gets home from work, unless I go out there and shovel. But it’s mediocre Mom and Wife day and I made a hearty stew for dinner and baked bread, which in my book puts me ahead of the game. And snow is cold. I hate the cold.

Updated yet again: I did end up doing the driveway. To clarify, the snowblower was out of gas and really wouldn’t have been of much help for the end of the driveway. The problem is that the plow comes down the street and makes a huge pile of snow in front of the driveway. Tonight it was five feet wide and above my waist. All had to be done by hand. By the time I was done the piles on either side of my driveway were as tall as I am. Also by the time I was done I was cursing at all the men driving down the road with their trucks with the plows attached to the front. I hated every minute of it, but consoled myself by imagining that I was tossing away one of the many many Christmas cookies that have attached themselves to my ass with every shovel throw. If only it were that easy.

Posted by Chris @ 8:05 am | Comments  

Fourteen Sixteen Inches And Counting

Let It Snow...

I called a good friend of mine first thing this morning. As soon as she answered I screamed into the phone, “The milk and bread! I forgot the milk and bread! What kind of mother am I?!? We’re all going to DIE like the Donner party.” Then I hung up.

Don’t you wish I had your phone number?

Updated to add: It is 4:18pm and it is STILL snowing. I think we have about 20 inches there now. There is no way Rob is going to make it up the driveway tonight when he gets home from work, unless I go out there and shovel. But it’s mediocre Mom and Wife day and I made a hearty stew for dinner and baked bread, which in my book puts me ahead of the game. And snow is cold. I hate the cold.

Updated yet again: I did end up doing the driveway. To clarify, the snowblower was out of gas and really wouldn’t have been of much help for the end of the driveway. The problem is that the plow comes down the street and makes a huge pile of snow in front of the driveway. Tonight it was five feet wide and above my waist. All had to be done by hand. By the time I was done the piles on either side of my driveway were as tall as I am. Also by the time I was done I was cursing at all the men driving down the road with their trucks with the plows attached to the front. I hated every minute of it, but consoled myself by imagining that I was tossing away one of the many many Christmas cookies that have attached themselves to my ass with every shovel throw. If only it were that easy.

Posted by Chris @ 8:05 am | 30 Comments  

A New Year’s Eve Recap

Cliff Note version:

We made a gingerbread house.
We ate lots of food.
I drank lots of wine.
My husband drank more.
Children drank lots of “champagne” and acted like frat boys in training, having burping contests and making slly toasts.
We played games.
We watched the ball drop.
We went to bed at 12:01.
It was good.

Look how happy I am here with my wine.

The Girls

I needed the wine after trying to help my children decorate their gingerbread house. It hurt my anal retentive nature to watch them sticking the candy on with no regard for aesthetics. I knew I had to step away when I heard myself saying, “What about the plan? You need to have a well thought out plan for putting the candy on the house. You just can’t go and put the candy on all willy-nilly.”

I was informed, in no uncertain terms, that the plan was to put as much candy on the house as it was physically capable of holding. And that if I didn’t like the plan I should have made my own gingerbread house. I might just do that next year. That will show them. Also, the term “willy-nilly” is not one to use if you want to be taken seriously.

Before Digging In

Here is the gingerbread house on New Year’s Day, just before my children turned from sweet little children to drooling sugar junkies, willing to maim their siblings in exchange for their fix.

We played a game we invented called Trivial Pursuit: Physical Edition. This can best be described as an intellectual game punctuated by periods of violence. The basic gist of this game is that I read the questions out loud and the children shout out the answers. The first person to shout the correct answer gets a point. After one person gets several answers in a row correct, the person standing next to him is compelled to sucker punch that person that several times while screaming, “It isn’t fair!”, “He is stealing my answers” (telepathically, I suppose), “I can’t hear! He is shouting too loud!” or some variant thereof.

We made tin can stilts and had races on them. Lots of fun. And the two year old discovered that they made effective weapons should someone have the misguided notion that they would like a turn walking on the stilts.

And by the end of New Year’s Day, the gingerbread house looked like this.

It was good.

Happy 2006.

Posted by Chris @ 12:59 am | 11 Comments