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My Kingdom For A Burkha

My Kingdom For A Burkha

February 20, 2006

Yesterday I went to the mall to try and find something to wear to my niece’s wedding next month. My criteria were simple. Must be able to whip out the boobs for nursing without having to lift the entire dress over my head, as that is still socially unacceptable in most circles. That was about it. I was open to anything else.

As luck would have it, all the holiday party dresses were on clearance. So I gathered up all the ones I could find in my size, that weren’t too ugly, too skimpy, too garish, or too old lady like, and headed into the dressing room, my 1 yr old and 2 yr old in tow.

Here is where I think stores go wrong. What is with that bright fluorescent lighting that highlights every single body flaw and makes your skin appear sallow and as if you have been living in a dark cave with no exposure to sunshine for at least a decade? Wouldn’t stores sell way more clothing if the dressing rooms were lit by, say, candlelight? Everyone looks good by candle light.

Or even better, pitch black darkness with just a tiny hand mirror to look in.

And now, thanks to my two year old,everyone in the dressingroom store entire mall knows the color of my underwear, the fact that I don’t have a Brazilian, and they are all wondering what the “that” refers to when my daughter screamed, “why does your stomach look like that?”

I picked out a dress that I hated the least and figured if I didn’t eat from now until next month I might be happy with how it looks. It didn’t have a price tag on it, so I had no idea how much it cost. The rest of the dress were clearanced down to around $75, give or take a few. Then they all were an additional 20% off for the President’s Day Sale. I assumed this dress would be right around there also. The sales girl went off with the dress and when she came back she told me she would sell it to me for $14.99. I congratulated myself for my mad bargain hunting skills. Also, I professed my love for the dress and vowed to buy some hand weights.

But now began the quest for a bra to wear with this dress. It requires a strapless bra.I have never owned a strapless bra. I always worried it would slip down around my waist and end up looking like a loose belt, or worse yet, bring my boobs down there with it. I still am unsure about the whole thing as I don’t quite understand what is going to hold it up in place where it belongs. These here are working boobs. They are tired from all their work and like to have some support.

At this point, my daughter was going to DIE if she did not have a sugar coated pretzel like some people she saw behind us at the cash register line. So we exited Filene’s and bought some crack sugar coated pretzels. They were so yummy, and also so calorie laden that I will need to run non stop from now until the wedding to burn them off. Yes, them. I couldn’t let the one my daughter didn’t finish go to waste. Or my son’s either.

So if you are wondering where I am, I am running my ass off, literally.

By popular demand, here is a photo of the dress:

The Dress

I still need some new shoes. My black heels are circa 1999, and as much as I try to convince myself that they are still stylish, they are not.

Posted by Chris @ 11:20 am  

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  1. novaks8 says:

    Oh those things are GOOD!
    We have fallen into the pretzel trap at Target.

    Are you going to post a picture of the dress?

    I remember the nursing/dress up dilemma.

  2. Heather says:

    Wow, congrats on the awesome bargain (steal) you found on the dress! You cant even buy lunch for 14.99 anymore! Well unless you go for the dollar menu, but you know where I am coming from. It sure does leave you with alot more $$ to spend on other things, like the bra. Cant wait to see what the dress looks like.

    Oh and your daughter, cracks me up. She sounds like my daughter when she was her age. I took her into the dressing room with me once, and all she did was comment on, my boobs. I didnt want to exit the dressing room, due to embarassment. At least they didnt try to LOOK under all the doors at everyone else.I had that experience with my now 15 year old, when he was 2. I could tell noone in the dressing room liked it, by the way they were shrieking.

  3. Jennifer says:

    details! what color is it? what shoes are you going to get to go with it?

  4. carrawayseed says:

    That comment from your daughter was hilarious!! It reminded me of the time my 26 year old sister walked in one me while I was getting dressed. She looked at me horrified and said “I am NEVER having children!”….sister’s are so supportive aren’t they? It did wonders for my self esteem!!

    BTW: I’m finally delurking. I read your blog everyday!

  5. moe says:

    If I needed a strapless bra I’d REALLY need some hand weights. My arms are not sculpted and sexy they’re fat and frumpy. You’d think hauling around two babies would be enough weight lifting but - No. I’ve been going to an excercise class twice a week for 4 weeks. Shouldn’t I be noticing a difference? Maybe it’s because I compensate for being tired from excercising by loading up on sugar to keep me going. ;-)

    I refuse to go shopping until I fit into nice clothes or the ones I have fall off me in shreds whichever comes first.

  6. Sweet Pea says:

    Hi, I read your blog everyday. I love your funny and honest stories. Today’s post was great and made me laugh outloud. I had a particularly bad day with my young daughter and your post put a smile on my face. Thank you for sharing. :-)

  7. Anonymous says:

    That was hilarious! I especially liked it when my three year old would comment on how LONG my boobs were, b/c, you know, skin is the ONLY thing left after nursing 3+ babies.

  8. Melissa says:

    I’ve always wondered how those strapless bras hold up. And I spend the entire time making sure it is still in place. And it’s really great to see pictures later and see that you look like you are playing with your boobs in every picture. That’s awesome that you found a dress for $14.99. That is almost unheard of. Enjoy it.

  9. Sherri Wilkerson says:

    Try the stick-on bras from Victoria’s Secret. They actually DO work, if you can get over the look. Whatever you do, DON’T let your husband see you put them on and DO NOT ask for his help!!

  10. HangerMom says:

    I hate trying to find dressy clothes to nurse in! Once I found a dressy skirt/top, but I never even thought of going strapless. Primarily because of the bra issue. I have a couple and the way they support is by… um, NOT supporting. I hope you have better luck with that than me. But then I had trouble with strapless bras even before nursing did this to my chest.

  11. Jodi says:

    Just wanted to suggest the “strapless” bras that actually have clear plastic straps. I wore a true strapless bra to my sister’s wedding and it did end up around my waist several times over the course of the night. Not cool!

  12. Heth says:

    “These here are working boobs.”

    Oh my goodness, that cracks me up.

  13. At A Hen's Pace says:

    My 3-year-old daughter would do the same thing to me when we were at the pool and going to the bathroom together. Fortunately I hadn’t really given her words for boobs other than “Mommy bottles” for her baby brother. “Are those your bottles?” “Are those [his] bottles?” she would ask me loudly, every time!

  14. Anonymous says:

    I am still laughing out loud. When my daughter was 3 I used to take her in the shower with me. One day she said after we had gotten out and I was drying her off. Mommy when am I going to have a mustache down there? She is now almost 18 and I still laugh about it.

  15. owlhaven says:

    wiping away tears of laughter here. Working boobs. I love it.
    Oh, and the ’sticker’ bras.. I wonder if they would work if you actually had to breastfeed during the evening…

  16. Anonymous says:

    THey make bras that just have one strap to go around your neck like a halter. It will probably be a “convertable” bra that can have two regular straps, be strapless, or be a halter. Good luck finding something that works!

  17. Jody says:

    LOL about your daughter! and the working boobs!

    Very pretty dress. I second the halter bra idea.

    You are going to look fabulous in it!

  18. aka meritt says:

    I love your dress! Very very nice. Great job finding it on a frugal budget too! I’m ALL over that!

  19. Mel says:

    De-lurking everyday reader: your post reminded me of the time I went into the “Mother’s Room” at church and saw one of my fellow nursing moms nursing her daughter in the comfy chair wearing only her underwear. Her turtleneck dress was draped neatly draped over the arm of the chair. She said, “I just really wanted to wear this dress today. I love the color.”

  20. tammie says:

    SASSY!!! As you were writing about it, it sounded like some old granny dress, but it really nice. I’m sure you’ll like a total hottie in it. :)
    Now go find some shoes!
    BTW, wait until your daughter as a kid or two and ask her what her stomach looks like.
    Great story, thanks for sharing.

  21. Donna says:

    I don’t get to read your post everyday, but the days I have read it were hilarious. Ever thought of writing a book (maybe when the herd is out of the house huh??) Good luck with the bra and shoes. I know this might sound crazy to you, but I would certainly check out Victorias Secrect for the bra, they are expert at “Boobs”. Good luck!!

  22. Ms. Mamma says:

    That dress is fab! I have utilitarian boobs myself, going on almost two years. Strapless bras seem like shelves…they just park those babies and do nothing to shape them. A halter bra might just be the ticket. I’ve heard good things about the stick on bras. If that’s not enough, just go pro and try some duct tape(bonus- a mini waxing!)

  23. ksl says:

    I just started reading your blog about a week ago and you are so funny! My 3 year old son just walked up to the computer and said “That is a really cool dress mommy, it looks so pretty! You got our vote.

  24. Audrey says:

    MEL…OH MY GOSH! That is halarious! My jaw would have hit the floor and never made it back up to my face. Who does that? To gash darn funny!

  25. Paula says:

    Another member of the “never had success with strapless bras” club here. The dress is great, but I’d avoid stickon bras if you’re going to be nursing.

  26. Jamie says:

    What a gorgeous dress! I love my 3-year-old’s unbridled commentary on the state my body. They seem to be particularly interested in all things BOOB. Good luck with finding the perfect bra…you will have to post a shopping update!

  27. Franny says:

    I lurve your dress, how jealous I am!!! I have on occasion caught the look of horror on my five your old’s face after walking in on me sans clothing. Makes me laugh and want to strangle her at the same time!!

  28. Kal says:

    As a bloke, I can’t comment on bras, but that’s a gorgeous dress.

    A wardrobe-mistress friend once measured me up for a bra, I came out as a 48A!

  29. Jennifer says:

    love the dress! good luck finding a bra, and be sure to try it out for a day before the actual event. as for the shoes, they will be fine.

    it’s retro, darling, retro.

    p.s. watch out, i think i saw some sicko downloading that picture of your dress to his own personal account

  30. Dot says:

    What a gorgeous dress, you will absolutely turn heads in that dress, nobody will notice the shoes!!!

    Try Figleaves for a bra. They have EVERY kind of bra imaginable and free shipping and returns!!! I don’t think they have nursing halter bras though.

    P.S. I have a blog now ~ stop by some time.

    Flowergirl ~ Dot

  31. InterstellarLass says:

    Woot! $14.99 for a dress! And it’s purty!

    They have strapless bras that actually strap around the waist, so the back is really low. All the bra is in the front, like a bustier. That might alleviate your fear of ending up with a belt for a bra!

  32. Caitlin says:

    Loved the post! I’ve used strapless, stick-ons and “convertible” bras. You definitely CANNOT nurse with stick-ons, though they do work great until you have to pull them off. A good ($30ish) strapless is a wardrobe essential and will stay up, but can’t give you the “lift” of a normal bra. A convertible is probably your best option, and think of using those tiny safety pins to attach the halter strap to your dress halter so it’s not hanging out.

    You’re gonna look great!!

  33. chi says:

    You can wear black to a wedding? Isn’t there some wives tale about that?

  34. Julie says:

    Oh yeah. I remember doing this for my brother’s wedding. My daughter was 4 months old and I had a spaghetti-strap dress and a strapless bra. Needless to say I still had to get half-naked to nurse her, but did so in a ladies’ powder room with a cotton receiving blanket draped over my shoulder for everyone else’s convenience. I’ve got such fashion sense.

    I LOVE your term of “working boobs.” Chris, you’re a genius.

  35. halloweenlover says:

    That dress is FABULOUS! Love it! And 14.99, good lord.

    I know that victoria’s secret has a convertible bra that can be strapless, halter, and regular. Or something like that, it has 5 different options for straps. That might work, but it’ll cost more than the dress ; ) It does keep the boobs up, though.

  36. Virenda says:

    Absolutely love the dress.

    New shoes ARE a MUST!

    As a shoe whore I can tell you 1999 shoes ARE NOT in style, sorry but you are right.

    Strappy and high would be awesome.

  37. Biberin says:

    Try a backless bustier with boning in it. It can’t go anywhere and neither will the girls.