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25 Easy Steps:

25 Easy Steps:

February 24, 2006

How To Take A Trip To The Restroom With A Two Year Old

1) Take the elevator to the floor in the store that has the bathroom and is, of course, different from the one you are shopping on

2) Walk through the little girl department where your child insists she needs several pocketbooks, a noisy baby toy, and a pair of pink capri pants that are 2 sizes too large

3) Stand patiently, and go to your happy place, while your two year old opens the door to the rest room ALL BY HERSELF, a door which is too heavy for her and requires you to wait for five minutes while she screams, beats on the door, and berates anyone who tries to help her. Then she will finally grant you the privilege of opening the door for her. It’s a privilege, don’t forget it.

4) Upon entering the restroom she insists on singing loudly to hear the echo

5) Then will begin the dancing portion of the event, in front of the full length mirror while you try to convince the her that taking off all of her clothing is not an option

6) She must check every bathroom stall before picking an acceptable one

7) Then change her mind
8) She will loudly wonder what the people in the other stalls are doing and try to peer under the stall door to see for herself.

9) She will scream “FART” when she hears the inevitable , while you chant, “happy place, happy place” to yourself

10) You will put toilet paper all over the toilet seat, while trying to prevent her from touching the “little garbage can” in the stall

11)You pick her up to put her on the toilet, which activates the automatic flusher

12) All the toilet paper falls into the water and is sucked away, while your child screams hysterically at the sound of the whirling vortex of terror she is sure will suck her down the toilet next. If only…

13)Repeat the toilet paper process, while she does the pee-pee dance and screams, “I not have to go”

14) She will now refuse to sit on the toilet papered seat, forcing you to hold her over the bowl while she dangles from your hair

15) Realize that those child birth classes you took long long ago were actually in preparation for moments like this. Practice lamaze breathing as your back begins to cramp

16) Eventually, she pees on back of her shirt and your shoe. This will cause her unimaginable amounts of angst. You, on the other hand, are just glad that you are wearing absorbent socks.

17) Exit the stall and head over to the sinks to wash your hands, where you discover that the sinks have some sort of new fangled faucet that requires you to push the handle with one hand in order to make the water come out. How is handwashing with one hand even possible? Additionally, you are holding your child with one hand and can not seem to locate your third hand. Where is that third hand, dammit?!?

18) Feel confident enough to shout out to anyone who is listening, “This was obviously invented by a man WITH NO CHILDREN!”

19) Hold daughter up to the hand dryers to try and dry off the back of her shirt where she peed on it.

20) She doesn’t like the hand dryers and lets you know by kicking you in the mouth.

21) The taste of blood tells you it is time to exit the restroom.

22) Reverse the process to get back to the section of the store where you were shopping. Once there, pick up exactly one item off of the clothing rack to examine before your daughter says, “I need to go pee.”

23) Heave a heavy sigh, say a few expletives through your smiling clenched teeth, and holding your daughter’s hand head back to the elevator.

step… squish… step… squish… step

24) Scream, “Noooooooo!” when the person getting on the elevator with you attempts to push the floor button himself. Then smile weakly at them in hopes they don’t beat you up when the doors close.

25) Wonder why you were so excited to have your child potty trained

Posted by Chris @ 7:44 am  

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Comments

  1. Meg says:

    DANG IT! That made me laugh out loud and spit coffee out. Maybe we’ll wait on the whole potty-training thing…

  2. novaks8 says:

    haha

    Man it is a fun age isn’t it?

    My 2 year old has just stripped down and is completely naked!

    Why do I even waste my time dressing her?

  3. Jennifer says:

    ha ha!! i almost spit out my tea too!

  4. caroline says:

    Chris you continue to slay me … I’m just glad I wasn’t sippin’ on my beverage when I too burst out laughing. Been there done that for sure. I still wonder at times if it was the best decision to potty train my now 7-8-10-12 year olds. I mean is it completely necessary to use every public restroom we come across?! The only plus (in years past) was the handicapped accessible stall that I could fit myself and 4 young children in at the same time. But then again, thank God we’re beyond that stage too. As we paraded past those waiting and exited the facilities, the stares could put me over the edge on some days. Diapers weren’t all that bad.

  5. Karen says:

    This is your first time potty training a girl right? Oh the joys of training a girl when it comed to public toilets. Just shoot me now!
    I just recently found your blog, and being the mother of several(8) children, I’m really enjoying your writing.

  6. owlhaven says:

    Oh, man, with 8 kids I’ve experienced most of that but somehow so far have avoided having a kid pee in my shoe (knock on wood) This is great. And I like your new top bar.
    Mary

  7. Heth says:

    Nothing is more humilitating than having your precious little girl yell “FART” after someone farts in a public place. Been there.

    You are hilarious.

  8. D says:

    Hey - for those of us with mozilla can you fix the header with your beautiful kids on please? ;-)
    Like the new name but feel gutted that you really didnt have a yellow house. I suppose next youll tell us you dont even have kids.
    And Chris isnt your real name.

    And youre a man.

    I knew it.

  9. Urban Mama says:

    You should definitely trademark these steps, get them placed on a T-shirt and sell ‘em on your site ;-) We’d all get one!

  10. jess says:

    Oh.My.Gosh.

    I can’t stop laughing!

  11. Jurgen Nation says:

    AAAHAH! You owe me a new keyboard - I spit out my water.

  12. Jody says:

    LOLOL! One up on you Stacy….she owes me a new laptop. Coffee spew time on the toilet flushing automatically!

    I have yet to experience taking a little girl to the restroom. Now I know what I have to look forward to.

  13. Liz says:

    that was too stinking funny. Your poor shoe.

  14. Flutter says:

    The site is looking great! Love the pictures along the top!

  15. TXArtcGal says:

    I have been visiting your blog for awhile now, but never commented until today. I thought I would come out of the woodwork and let you know how much I enjoy you blog! I truly got a kick out of today’s as well! ROFL!! This could have been written by me when my dd was a young tot. She is now 14 and still has to push the button on the elevator!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  16. Franny says:

    Oh wow, we just played “this is my life!” How many times have we ventured into Walmart and my then toddler would start screaming how she had to pee RIGHT NOW. I too would wonder why I was so anxious to have her potty trained. She’s almost 6 now, and she STILL does this to me, only now I’m aloud to get mad haha.

  17. Leatitia says:

    Hilarious!!!

  18. Lake Shore Academy says:

    I am new to the blogging world and your site is by far my favorite. Thanks for the laugh. I can totally relate.

  19. Gretchen says:

    Um yeah. Been there and done that. So glad mine can hold it more now! I love the new mall bathrooms where the stalls are big enough for a stroller and there is a seat to strap your kids into while you go so they don’t walk out of the bathroom while you are midstream. Modern conveniences . . . how wonderful.

  20. Huffs says:

    My 7 year-old niece is STILL to this day horrified of the “FLUSH ON YOU POTTIES”

  21. meredith says:

    Both of my girls are terrified of those automatic flush toilets, caused by similar dangle over toilet incidents. They now ask if it’s the good kind or bad kind before sitting and peeing.

  22. Melissa says:

    You know what, I was just thinking about getting the potty chair out of the garage for my youngest. On second thought, I think I will wait a while. Freaking funny post by the way.

  23. kalisah says:

    I’m totally OCD about germs after taking micrbiology in college, but I can assure you that sitting directly on the toilet seat is not that harmful. Skin is a wonderful deterent and you’ll pick up far more germs on your hands. So flush with your foot and wash your hands, and you both should be OK.

    (Personally, I just dry the seat off first with a big wad of t.p. since people who squat have a tendency to pee on the seat.)

  24. Bethany says:

    SO TRUE! :-) Hilarious…. oh. I think I have to go potty.

  25. joy madison says:

    hilarious and so true!!! ACK! Potty training!

  26. B.E.C.K. says:

    LOL Sooooooo funny! It’s a wonder you were able to keep your composure at all! Thanks for such a well-written account. :-)
    And I have to admit that I was actually a teensy bit bummed when my son was pottytrained, as it was more difficult to do the bathroom thing for a while. ;^)

  27. The Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady says:

    Yeah, this happened to me when mine was little — on an airplane. No where to run, no where to hide.

  28. "D" says:

    hahahahahahaha…”i not have to go!” step squish step squish… now I have to go pee from laughing so hard!

  29. Deb says:

    Oh Chris, this is the BEST
    I literally spewed I was laughing out loud and my children are wondering what I am laughing at! Can I read it to the preggos in my childbirth ed class? My theme is that childbirth is just prep for parenting and this would be great!
    let me know

  30. Ficklechick says:

    My youngest is now 8, and I was getting that little baby twinge.

    Thank you for bringing back all of those memories, and curing me of the twinge!!! ;)

  31. Gigglin' And Screamin' says:

    YOU ARE MY HERO! And I’ve only been to this site for the past three days, but it is now MY happy place! I look forward to the stuff you write! You should write a book or something! How do you put such incidences into such a funny light that I’m not only laughing my head off but you make me forget how the world now thinks kids are a drag and everyone feels free to tell me so everytime I go out? Hands full? YES! Better than hands empty right? What cool adventures. They make life worth living. I’m glad I get to be a part of these adventures! Thank God for kids! Whenever my kids hear someone fart in the bathroom, instead of yelling out “fart!” they all burst into a chorus of laughter. How’d you like six kids laughing at you in the bathroom when you’re sick? Or worse yet, When Mommy is trying to be discreet about those monthly Lady things and the little guys yell, “eewwww, Mommy! What’s that?” Oh well! Happy place! Thanks for the “kid trauma” therapy!love it!

  32. Gigglin' And Screamin' says:

    p.s. love the top bar! Very cute kids!

  33. Gigglin' And Screamin' says:

    I need help! I am trying to put my link on here and instead it puts a blog on my page, and then I tried clicking on my site name on my comments here and it takes me to my profile! I’m so clueless! Help?

  34. O_Scientist says:

    I feel your pain…

    When Sylvia was newly potty trained, we would spend about 75 % of our time away from the home either in the bath room, or on our way to or from the bath room…

    At least she is getting over that now :)
    Karen

  35. CaliforniaGrammy says:

    Oh-my-gosh - you are absolutely hilarious in your writing style. I love it! I’m still giggling! My two daughters are your age but you make it seem like just yesterday I, too, experienced young motherhood! Thanks for your humor, Chris.

  36. Melora says:

    What a funny story! Doesn’t sound like an enjoyable outing At all, but your version, enjoyed from a distance and with dry socks on, is just great!
    I really liked the Big Yellow House (and you were fully entitled to poetic license regarding the color of your house), but the new title, and especially the “tag line” with the wonderful pictures of your kids, is good too!
    Cordially,
    Melora

  37. Mir says:

    HAAAAAhahahahaha I promise never to complain about little boy pee all over the bathroom ever again. I had forgotten about suspending a toddler girl over a public toilet. *wiping eyes*

  38. Citizen Mom says:

    First off, I LOVE the new look, LOVE IT! This looks adorable.. When you have all of the kids lined up like that, I took a double take and actually COUNTED them all. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, yeah thats 7. Wow, it looked like you threw in a couple extras! LOL..

    And as far as what D said and I will quote “Like the new name but feel gutted that you really didnt have a yellow house. I suppose next youll tell us you dont even have kids.
    And Chris isnt your real name.

    And youre a man.”

    No MAN could be this creative and come up with these many “mommy” adventures! :) (grin) You made me laugh, again. Nothing new there.

    Take care,
    Heather..

  39. deputyswife says:

    That was great!

    I like your new header too!

  40. S2Momma says:

    Love the new look! I’ve been reading for awhile and decided to finally let you know I was here. I agree with the other person who said that your boys all look so much alike it looks like you just slipped in different pictures of the same kid.

    My son just managed to pee in my daughter’s face while attempting to use the potty. This whole potty-training business is over-rated, in my opinion. I can live with changing diapers for a few more years, until said child is old enough to hold his own weiner and wipe his own butt.

  41. Jen says:

    Must.Remember.My.Happy.Place. Because dragging my 4 year old to a public restroom ranks up there with, oh, I don’t know, being naked in public. Actually, I think I’d rather be naked. At least then I know for sure people are staring at me. This post was hysterical, I can’t believe I didn’t wake up the boys laughing.

  42. noelle says:

    glad to see i’m not missing any steps!

    but you didn’t mention having a baby in a stroller or sling to enjoy this whole process with you…or the annoyed 8 yo dd who thinks you are an idiot for getting peed on…or the 2 boys standing right otside the bathroom playing in the drinking fountain and getting soaking wet. oh, wait that was me 2 years ago! why am i trying to train that “baby” now? lol

  43. Blog This! says:

    See, this is EXACTLY why I am in no rush to toilet train my 2 year old! I just posted a blog about this very thing. Im too lazy to be bothered for now!

    How to go to the bathroom with a 2 year old while shopping if you are me:
    Put on training pants before leaving the house.
    Change training pants when getting home.

    Bless you for being so patient!

  44. Ms. Mamma says:

    Brutal and written like a true soldier on the front line! Kudos for the grace under pressure in soggy socks! The new photos are great and the header is cool. I like the minimalism of the lower case font. Sweet!

  45. colleen says:

    When my son was 3 he dubbed the automatic flusher the “Magic Potty” (loudly, in a movie theater bathroom). So now that’s what we call it. For my daughter, it’s the Magic Potty that flushes three times before she’s done.

    Great site. I just found you and will be adding you to my regular reading list.

  46. InterstellarLass says:

    Oh.my.gawd. HA HA HA! Dontcha just love it! My daughter has a bladder the size of an acorn. She always has to go to the bathroom the second the food is placed on the table at a restaurant. I even take her when we get there. She still has to go when the food arrives. I was never so glad when she got to the age she can go by herself…as long as we’re sitting right next to the restrooms!

  47. SidetrackedMom says:

    I have been hanging around, laughing my ass off for quite some time now, but this is my first comment. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. SO true, and completely hilarious!

  48. Mom2the5rs says:

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read.

  49. Michie says:

    Great story! My husband sent me this link. We have 2 year old twins (boy and girl) with another girl on the way. My mom talks about getting them potty trained before the next one arrives, but your story is full of the reasons I dread it!! It will be interesting to watch the difference in the twins’ training experiences. I also feel it’s a baby-free public bathroom designer who does not put hooks and a shelf next to the diaper changing station! I actually said that out loud last week in the Wal-Mart restroom when I noticed a manager was also in there (trying to ignore me and the stuggling pooped-diaper toddler a few inches from her paper towel roll.)