25 Easy Steps:
February 24, 2006
How To Take A Trip To The Restroom With A Two Year Old
1) Take the elevator to the floor in the store that has the bathroom and is, of course, different from the one you are shopping on
2) Walk through the little girl department where your child insists she needs several pocketbooks, a noisy baby toy, and a pair of pink capri pants that are 2 sizes too large
3) Stand patiently, and go to your happy place, while your two year old opens the door to the rest room ALL BY HERSELF, a door which is too heavy for her and requires you to wait for five minutes while she screams, beats on the door, and berates anyone who tries to help her. Then she will finally grant you the privilege of opening the door for her. It’s a privilege, don’t forget it.
4) Upon entering the restroom she insists on singing loudly to hear the echo
5) Then will begin the dancing portion of the event, in front of the full length mirror while you try to convince the her that taking off all of her clothing is not an option
6) She must check every bathroom stall before picking an acceptable one
7) Then change her mind
She will loudly wonder what the people in the other stalls are doing and try to peer under the stall door to see for herself.
9) She will scream “FART” when she hears the inevitable , while you chant, “happy place, happy place” to yourself
10) You will put toilet paper all over the toilet seat, while trying to prevent her from touching the “little garbage can” in the stall
11)You pick her up to put her on the toilet, which activates the automatic flusher
12) All the toilet paper falls into the water and is sucked away, while your child screams hysterically at the sound of the whirling vortex of terror she is sure will suck her down the toilet next. If only…
13)Repeat the toilet paper process, while she does the pee-pee dance and screams, “I not have to go”
14) She will now refuse to sit on the toilet papered seat, forcing you to hold her over the bowl while she dangles from your hair
15) Realize that those child birth classes you took long long ago were actually in preparation for moments like this. Practice lamaze breathing as your back begins to cramp
16) Eventually, she pees on back of her shirt and your shoe. This will cause her unimaginable amounts of angst. You, on the other hand, are just glad that you are wearing absorbent socks.
17) Exit the stall and head over to the sinks to wash your hands, where you discover that the sinks have some sort of new fangled faucet that requires you to push the handle with one hand in order to make the water come out. How is handwashing with one hand even possible? Additionally, you are holding your child with one hand and can not seem to locate your third hand. Where is that third hand, dammit?!?
18) Feel confident enough to shout out to anyone who is listening, “This was obviously invented by a man WITH NO CHILDREN!”
19) Hold daughter up to the hand dryers to try and dry off the back of her shirt where she peed on it.
20) She doesn’t like the hand dryers and lets you know by kicking you in the mouth.
21) The taste of blood tells you it is time to exit the restroom.
22) Reverse the process to get back to the section of the store where you were shopping. Once there, pick up exactly one item off of the clothing rack to examine before your daughter says, “I need to go pee.”
23) Heave a heavy sigh, say a few expletives through your smiling clenched teeth, and holding your daughter’s hand head back to the elevator.
step… squish… step… squish… step
24) Scream, “Noooooooo!” when the person getting on the elevator with you attempts to push the floor button himself. Then smile weakly at them in hopes they don’t beat you up when the doors close.
25) Wonder why you were so excited to have your child potty trained
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