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It’s All A Learning Experience

It’s All A Learning Experience

February 28, 2006

1) You should never use the toilet paper holder as a bar to hoist yourself up onto the toilet, or use it to vault off the toilet seat. It is not designed to hold your weight and it will be pulled right out of the wall.

Should you chose ignore this warning and do it anyway…

2) You should never hold the entire roll of toilet paper over the toilet bowl while you try to completely wrap your arm in a mummy-esque fashion in preparation for wiping your butt.

Should you chose to ignore this warning and do it anyway…

3) When the roll falls into the toilet, as it inevitably will, you should NOT try to flush the roll. It will not fit.

Should you chose to ignore this warning and do it anyway…

4) You should not grab the plunger and try to stuff the roll down the hole. It will not fit. Well, it might fit part way down, but it will not go down all the way, which is a problem.

Should you chose to ignore this warning and do it anyway…

5) You should not close the bathroom door and go merrily along your way thinking that the plumbing fairies will come along with their friends the cleaning fairies and clean up the mess. Leaving the scene of an accident is a felony, remember that.

Should you chose to ignore this warning, and really why wouldn’t you at this point given your track record…

6) You had better be upstairs packing your bags to run away. I’ll know it was you. The wet footprints that lead from the bathroom to you will be the initial tip off. The stench of poo and the wet cuffs on the bottom of your pants will confirm it.

Should you have ignored all the previous warnings, there really is no hope for you, but I’ll give you one last piece of advice…

7) DO NOT, Under any circumstances, deny that it was you and say, “I didn’t do it. Not Me.” Unless of course you want to see your mother’s head spin around and her eyeballs pop out of her head, dangling down onto her cheeks by springy tendrils. Contrary to how it sounds, this will not be cool.

If it has come to this it means you have ignored all the previous warnings and there is no hope for your redemption, and the baby Jesus is crying.

8) You should be prepared to do a lot more chores around the house because you mother is now blind. Also, she is dead.

What is the lesson in all of this is …to always be cautious, honest, courteous, or ask for help? No, that would be wrong.

The lesson learned from all of this: ‘Tis better not to wipe at all than run the risk of having to do more chores.

Posted by Chris @ 9:52 am  

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Comments

  1. shellbie says:

    LOL!!! We had the same learning experience here not 4 days ago. I can so feel your pain. Did you manage to get your eyes back into socket? Mine are still tending to dangle out this week.

  2. novaks8 says:

    Hahaha

    As I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday I started wondering where the roll was.

    I looked all around and found it SOAKED, shoved behind something on the top shelf of the baker’s rack that holds towels (when there are clean ones)

    What the heck?

  3. Amy B "zookeeper23093" says:

    The last line of that post is PRICELESS!

  4. Flutter says:

    Oh my what a mess. The toilet, bathroom and the poop covered kiddo!

    All I can say is good luck!

  5. InterstellarLass says:

    HA HA! My 7 year old dropped a roll of paper towels in the toilet this weekend. She was cleaning the bathroom. Note to child: close the lid of the toilet if you’re going to try to rest things on the toilet seat. It works much better! At least she threw them away!

  6. Jennifer says:

    oh my. i’m sorry. that is so very gross.

    so, which one was it? or can’t you say?

  7. Ficklechick says:

    We can see how your day’s going so far! I really hope your bathroom floor isn’t carpet. We had that in a house once with four kids. Not smart. ;)

  8. Wicked Stepmom says:

    Oh my! Something similar, though not quite as high in the GROSS factor happened here too resulting in a tutorial on how to WAIT for the toilet to STOP filling BEFORE flushing it again, and again, and once more just for good measure. Thankfully, the threshold in the bathroom doorway is raised just enough to keep the floodwaters from spilling into the hallway.

  9. joy madison says:

    oh yes…we have 3 cars down our toilet right now! ACK!

  10. Dana Glover says:

    Can you at least disclose the approximate age of the offender so I can figure out if I have this to look forward to??

    Thanks for the laugh.

  11. Melissa says:

    Can I guess? Was it the five year old?

  12. kalisah says:

    Oh heavens! Girl, it’s amazing how much you know about BATHROOM BEHAVIORS.

  13. D says:

    CHRIS FIX THE HEADER FOR MOZILLA BROWSERS… I’M SORRY I HAVE TO SHOUT. I DON’T LIKE MY VOICE LIKE THIS.

    Sorry. Bad habit. Been doing it all day…

  14. Woman with kids says:

    Ohhh, that’s wrong. Once had a flood from a truck down the loo. Apparently, trucks don’t belong down toilets - who’d have guessed?

  15. Chris says:

    I DON’T HAVE TIME TO FIX IT FOR YOU MOZILLA PEOPLE! I AM TOO BUSY TRYING TO SET UP MY NEW BLOG AND REPEATEDLY BANGING MY HEAD ON THE TABLE!

    I AM JUST ONE WOMAN!

    sorry, was I shouting?

  16. Annika says:

    I’m using Mozilla Firefox for Mac and everything looks fine! But now I am paranoid that maybe my aesthetic sense is off and what I think is fine is actually awful! But I kinda doubt it.

  17. Susan says:

    The baby Jesus may be weeping, but the Virgin Mary is laughing hysterically at this.

    Good luck with the eyeballs.

  18. Citizen Mom says:

    LOL! Oh my, the thing that would really get me the most, would be the wet with poo pants trecking through the house! Ewww.. I really hope that you were able to get the toilet issue fixed! Nothing worse than a clogged toilet..Kids..Its never ending is it??

  19. Kim says:

    With our twin 4 year old boys — I *know we financed our plumbers new truck. We kept that man in business more than once….

  20. T. says:

    Years ago, after much excited discussion, my 4 and 5 years olds decided to experiment with our toilets. One went to the main bath, one went to the guest bath. On the count of three, they simultaneously flushed leggos in one toilet, a roll of t.p. in the other. This of course, after they each went #2. All this happened while I was busy with small infant. After much cussing, and cleaning up poo, my hubs had to take one toilet off to get the blinking leggos. Funny now, but then, well it is a miracle my head didn’t spin right off.

  21. Jamie says:

    Toilets, poop, and kids. Good times. Have you considered renting out those cleaning fairies? I bet you could start a lucrative college fund!

  22. Meg says:

    I’ve always felt that, when in doubt of your ability to do so well, it’s simply better not to wipe…

  23. noelle says:

    ooooooh, so that’s why my kids never wipe! LOL

  24. Titanium says:

    Awesome post!

  25. halloweenlover says:

    Umm, I suspect it was the repeat offender. The one who never does anything, even though he does everything. Am I right? Am I?

    I’m a little grossed out now too. Can I send you a cookie to make you feel better? How about a cupcake?

  26. answer-man says:

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  27. answer-man says:

    Hello just stopped by to view your blog and to let all interested know I am offering free plumbing repair information and safety tips for California residents and all others interested. If you are not interested then please excuse us and please disregard this comment.

    For Plumbing Press Release and Free Plumbing Repair Information please feel free and stop by and read and take advantage of our blog info or viist **A-Affordableplumbing.Com** Thank you and have a great day.

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  29. Laundry Woman says:

    I have soooooo been there. It reminds me of the time my two year old flushed her poopy panties and we had to call the landlord. He comes to me about an hour later and says “SO, do you want to see your fish??” I didn’t know what to say so I just stood there and he holds them on the end of a plumber thingy in my face and BWAhahaha! laughs and I laughed too and we both laughed until we were on the floor with the kids staring at us. He said, “I think there was another pair in there, but they should be three blocks away by now…”