Daring Young Sleeper
April 22, 2006
Friday I was talking to Daring Young Mom and she mentioned that her son had suddenly begun sleeping through the night. She had a new, never before discussed or written about, method of sleep training.
And I was let in on the secret. I wasn’t sure that it would work, because after having seven children her method seemed so simplistic and so easy. Because if it would work wouldn’t someone have thought of it previously?
But I decided that I had nothing to lose and decided that I would utter the Magical Words of Sleep TM.
At 9:30 last night when Miles was winding down for bed, which to the uninitiated would appear to be screaming, crying, and throwing his body around like a rag doll having an epileptic seizure, I looked him in the eye and said, “Tonight if you wake up in the middle of the night Daddy will be getting you. Did you hear that? Daddy. will. be. getting. you.”
He looked at me like he had no idea what I was saying, obviously his ploy is to act cute and stupid. So for good measure I decided to embellish, “And you will have to suckle Daddy’s hairy nipples.”
I’ll admit I didn’t have high hopes when I went to bed last night.
But this morning I woke up, disoriented by the sun shining in the windows and also confused by my rock hard stripper sized boobs. It was 7:00am and he had been asleep from 9:30 the night before.
And once I determined that he was not in fact dead, I rejoiced.
I briefly contemplated becoming Mormon, but then I remembered that I already worship at the altar of Juan Valdez. So I raised my glass carafe to the sky, inhaled the scent of the caffeinated nectar of my god, and let out a hearty, “Hallelujah!”
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