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Daring Young Sleeper

Daring Young Sleeper

April 22, 2006

Friday I was talking to Daring Young Mom and she mentioned that her son had suddenly begun sleeping through the night. She had a new, never before discussed or written about, method of sleep training.

And I was let in on the secret. I wasn’t sure that it would work, because after having seven children her method seemed so simplistic and so easy. Because if it would work wouldn’t someone have thought of it previously?

But I decided that I had nothing to lose and decided that I would utter the Magical Words of Sleep TM.

At 9:30 last night when Miles was winding down for bed, which to the uninitiated would appear to be screaming, crying, and throwing his body around like a rag doll having an epileptic seizure, I looked him in the eye and said, “Tonight if you wake up in the middle of the night Daddy will be getting you. Did you hear that? Daddy. will. be. getting. you.”

He looked at me like he had no idea what I was saying, obviously his ploy is to act cute and stupid. So for good measure I decided to embellish, “And you will have to suckle Daddy’s hairy nipples.”

I’ll admit I didn’t have high hopes when I went to bed last night.

But this morning I woke up, disoriented by the sun shining in the windows and also confused by my rock hard stripper sized boobs. It was 7:00am and he had been asleep from 9:30 the night before.

And once I determined that he was not in fact dead, I rejoiced.

I briefly contemplated becoming Mormon, but then I remembered that I already worship at the altar of Juan Valdez. So I raised my glass carafe to the sky, inhaled the scent of the caffeinated nectar of my god, and let out a hearty, “Hallelujah!”

Posted by Chris @ 8:43 pm  

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  1. "D" says:

    ahh yes! The old “mommy is unavailable, hairy grumpy smelly daddy is on duty” trick… we actually switched sides of the bed so when they toddled in on their own power, it was daddy they found first and that was enough to make them sigh and stumble back to their own beds without waking either of us!

  2. surcie says:

    Freaking brilliant!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Hilarious!!! I would want nothing to do with daddy’s hairy nipple either. What a solution.

  4. jean says:

    that is soooooo funny! my husband always says he can do my job with ease … i’m going to try that!

  5. Kristen says:

    Hahaha!! With my kids, starting around 9 months or so, at night I would tell them, “you’re going to sleep all night tonight, and you’re not going to wake up until 7:00 tomorrow morning.” It totally freaking worked. Both times.

    They are now 4 1/2 and 3, and I still do this. It doesn’t work with my 4 year old as well, but my 3 year old snaps back into shape if he’s going through early waking phases, etc. It’s great!

  6. Heather says:

    Why couldnt I have known this, 17 years ago?! This is good,real good.

  7. TBG says:

    Whatever works!

  8. lammyann says:

    ROFLOLOLOLOLOL! Amazing–the power of suggestion.

  9. Heth says:

    That is the most brilliant idea. Seriously.

    You are so flippin’ funny. I am totally cracking up over here.

  10. CaliforniaGrammy says:

    Hip Hip Hooray! What a brilliant idea . . hairy nipples, hmmmm!

  11. Mel says:

    I, myself, send my husband in whenever I think my waking preschooler is just hoping to see me in the dark hours of the night. Works great!

    The DYM is a genius, isn’t she?

  12. JD says:

    Work out my lower abs. CHECK!

    Still chuckling. My little ones have been sleeping in the same room lately and we all seem to be having a regular 4:00 am party.

  13. Amah says:

    Wish I would’ve known about that 30 years ago when the threat would’ve been real. Now the babies I have could care less who gives them a bottle. Papa can do just as well and they like to play with his beard too. 23 kids in 2 years - and Papa always does night check - if he wakes up~~

  14. The Daring One says:

    LOL, ROFL, ROSLKDFJDELLLLOLOLOL - Whatever it is, I’m doing it. That is so awesome. I really hope you didn’t jinx yourself by posting about this. I still haven’t shared my secret with the world for fear Magoo’s sensors will pick it up…. Maybe tomorrow.

    My post may not be as funny, but at least I’m the genius who discovered the theory. Maybe I could write a book or turn it into a 12 step plan.

  15. Eli's Mom says:

    LOL! As a mom who unexpectedly woke up with Porn-Star Double-D’s one morning also, I share in your pain/pleasure. I hope it continues for you!!

  16. Cheerio's on my butt? says:

    Maybe that trick could workas a regular punishment for all my kids? “Sit down or you get the hairy nipple!” Of course that might not go over to well with Dad or when we’re out in public! Hey, don’t knock us Mormons, man! We’re not that lame…..we eat chocolate and stuff….:)

  17. Trivial Mom says:

    I do the same thing with my daughter ever since we moved her to a twin bed. Only it’s, “no crying tonight because I’m not coming back in.”

    It’s amazing how well it works just to tell them they need to sleep.

  18. Ms. Mamma says:

    Frankendaddy, your wet nurse nightmare!

  19. Alissa says:

    lol, that DYM is a genius! and frankly, i’m scared of hairy nipples, too!

  20. Maddy says:


  21. MommyNeedsACocktail says:

    Mine is smart enough to know that dad is the king of possum.

    “If I just lay here long enough, she’ll give in.”

    And I do. Because I can’t tolerate the sound of screaming that makes a shotgun sound like the pop of a bottle top. Can he really not hear it? Really?

  22. Silly Older Bear says:

    I, too, just drank a toast to rock hard stripper sized boobs!

    That is what we’re toasting, right? Right?

  23. Michelle says:

    Being big and pregnant it doesn’t take much to make me pee myself and your post definitely did that! Thanks for the belly laugh! LOL I am tucking this one away for my #7 cherub set to arrive next month. He will have to settle for my husband’s hairy nipples when he’s big enough. That’s enough to scare any kid… and my husband! LOL

  24. Heather says:

    Okay, I am TOTALLY trying this with my 3yo who still thinks he needs “gaggy” aka breastmilk in the middle of the night.

    I am laughing SOOOOOOOOOO hard.

    Daring Young Mom, the genius. What will she think of next?

  25. liz says:

    Pure genious.