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In Which Everyone Will Wonder Did She Google That

In Which Everyone Will Wonder Did She Google That

May 10, 2006

1. I pray for rain every day. Not because my flowers need it, but because I want baseball practice to be cancelled. I know. I feel bad about it. I feel like a traitor. And yet I can’t help but feel giddy when it is clouding over in the late afternoon.

2. David Blaine scares me. He makes me want to hold a large crucifix out in front of me, shout Latin incantations like In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen, and throw holy water on him. I’m not even Catholic.

3. When I was younger I imagined that there would be a point in time where I would have perfect skin. You know after pimples and before wrinkles. Why didn’t anyone tell me this was not the case? Why didn’t anyone tell me that I would spend my mid 30’s looking for an anti wrinkle cream that also contained benzoyl peroxide?

4. My 11.5 yr old can be so mature and funny, and do incredibly sweet things like bake me a birthday cake completely by himself. But then turn and be so exasperating that I slam my fist down on the kitchen table and shriek, “I wouldn’t say another word, mister!” Causing me to wonder how I turned into a person who says things like that.

5. Speaking of my 11.5 yr old, he is the same size that I am and definitely physically stronger, which is nice when I want something heavy carried. Somehow though, in his mind he believes now that we are not equals, like his previously deluded self thought, but that he is in fact in charge of me. And I have found myself saying very mature things like, “you are not the boss of me” to him.

We have been having lots of conversations about how size doesn’t matter (insert my own school girl giggles here), respect, and the qualitites of a good leader. Also I have reminded him that I am in charge. This is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship, and while I try to be a benevolent dictator, and foster the illusion that I care about your opinions, I will crush any and all attempts to bring down my leadership.

With that in mind, he challenged me to race the other day. At first I balked, because I wasn’t sure what sort of message it would be sending to him. But he kept on. And on. And on. Talking about how much faster he was then me. How he could beat me in a race. My competitive side took over.

So we lined up on the driveway and got into position. The other kids were on the sideline. On your mark, get set, GO… and we were off.

I won easily. Despite having to hurdle a toddler on a tricycle that was in my path, I won.

And I was very mature. And only screamed and danced around the driveway a little. And I think I only said, “Uh-huh, who’s talking now” once. Okay maybe twice.

6. I got a new cellphone. I know that you all wanted to know that. But I am very disappointed with the ringtone selection. I liked the ring I had on my old cellphone which sounded like an old fashioned phone ring.

Posted by Chris @ 8:53 am  

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  1. InterstellarLass says:

    Did you do a little touchdown dance too? And maybe the robot? Oooh, even better…did you bet anything? Like he has to clean all the toilets in the house for a month. Yeah, that would be great! Go mom, get your speed on!

  2. Heather says:

    Long time reader but comment virgin here. I love this blog. I tell everyone that you are the funniest person I “know.” Anyway, congrats on your win. About the cell phone. We had the same problem. Smarty pants husband decided to fix it. He took our old cell phone, made it ring and recorded it on new phone. Now, we use that recording as our ring. Yep, we aren’t into song rings either.

  3. ever so hectic says:

    I would have also did a little jog in beating my kids. They think they sre much better at everything.

  4. Navhelowife says:

    Those 11 year old boys are something else, aren’t they??I keep telling mine “I may be small, but I’m mighty”
    Thanks for the laugh this morning!

  5. april says:

    I use the old fashioned ring tone on my cellphone…when I can find it and if it is charged. I’m so glad you beat him, so there!

  6. Jody says:

    I LOL with #1. I pray for rain too. Constantly. We live at the ball park. I told Bill we should just put up a tent and bring the grill for the season.

  7. speckledpup says:

    kid, just download yourself a ring tone…
    go ahead.

    my son has the best I’ve ever heard it sings “you’ve got a call, pick up the phone, a very, very important call” to the tune of I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie….

    I giggle like a school girl every time I hear it. I try my best to catch him with his phone on in church and secretly slip mine out of my purse and call him….omigosh!!

  8. Alissa says:

    now that’s a risky race?! what if you’d lost!? man oh man. I can’t imagine that 11 year old girls are going to be much better, but at least they aren’t likely to physically overpower me! YIkes!

  9. Heather says:

    Hooray for the mighty mom! Glad you beat him.

    And I’m so with you on #1. Soccer season just ended here and I’m finally breathing.

  10. biz says:

    :-) You are a consistent smile maker! (I know that sounds real smarmy - but I mean it)

  11. Melissa says:

    I use to do the same about rain & baseball, when my guys were in it.

    My almost, 12 yr.old, & I have the same issues as your son & you. It’s funny when you think about what you’re saying to them & how it might sound to others. I have reminded mine, that I’m still the boss. He still does not believe.:)

  12. Kira says:

    You DID Google it, didn’t you? Or do you have random Latin cluttering up your head?

  13. Nicki says:

    1. Me too, substitute soccer
    2. Me too, except I google his tricks so I can be relieved to find out they are really tricks. I think. Maybe.
    3. You know it’s a bad skin month when you are praying for menopause!
    4. Me too, except my 11.5 year old is still not as strong as me. Muahahahaha.
    5. But he is faster!
    6. But do you have bluetooth? Can you now have public conversations in your vehicle? Because that is VERY practical with a car full of kids.

  14. MJ says:

    I needed that, the last bit bout dancing around and cheering jsut made me laugh and laugh. I do the same thing only with things like the abc game(cause heaven knows i dont run). Ilove it when they tell me i cant win … nothing like a little competetion to add to the fun.

  15. Ashley says:

    My parents always reminded my 4 sisters and I that our home was NOT a democracy but a benevolent dictatorship. As a teenager I hated, hated, hated it! I wanted to live in a democratic household like all of my friends.
    Well, I’m now the dictator and long may she rule!
    a.k.a. onetallmomma

  16. Claudia says:

    Yayy! You rule! You’ll have to keep training on the sly so that none of ‘em EVER outruns you! 80yr old mama outruns 11.5yr old smartypants grandson….

  17. Claudia says:

    That should have been ‘beats smartypants GREAT-grandson…

  18. Journey Mama says:

    I love your stories of your oldest kiddo- makes me look forward to my kids being that age. Congratulations on showing him who’s boss!

  19. momslo says:

    I have an 11 year old son too- we are just starting to get there! Boy it’s strange to see the change in him!

    I love that commerical where the mom goes out and plays basketball with her boys- and sings” this is momma’s house”!!! I do that all the time to my two!

  20. Lisa says:

    As a mother of a 12 yo my advice is…don’t race again. The defeat is horrid. On the bright side I tackled him and brought him down, which he thought funny and gave me some shreds of dignity. Oh, and even if they are bigger, I can still take the play station controllers. So there ;-P

  21. April says:

    My mom and 11 year old brother have recently gotten into that competitiveness. Let’s just say Badmitton has become a bloodsport at my parent’s house.

  22. Mega Mom says:

    You are a Mom I so aspire to be like. The friendly dictatorship, the fun competitor…very cool.

    Did you know that if you aren’t too cheap (like me) you can download Patrick Dempsey’s lovely face and the Grey’s song for a ring tone?

    Just sayin…

  23. Katie says:

    Oh good, Blaine scares me too. You hae to make the sign of the cross too (with your right hand, hehe).

    I pray for rain to cancel soccer games.

    And I hate the crappy selection of ringtones on my new phone too, I miss my old ringer.

  24. kfk says:

    Nobody informed me about #3 either.

    The more you write, the more I laugh.

  25. Allanna says:

    I’ve lurked long enough.

    Chris, you’re so hilarious. I worship your wit and have confessed to at least five people dueing this week that I wish I knew you in real life.

    One of my best friends and I are still cracking up over the gorilla-taking-a-dump imagery and cannot wait to see the picture!
    (My husband and I kept trying to imitate what we *think* your son’s “cool smile” will look like. I’m eager to see if I’m right … but what Michael attempted was hilarious, so I’m tripley indebted!)

    Thanks for the laughs.
    (Also, my mother-in-law totally loved the story of your daughter’s “two butts”. ^_^)

  26. Jennifer says:

    I guess I should jump on the bandwagon too! I love you too, Chris. I love your blog, I love your posts, I love your humor. You’re the best. And, apparently, the fastest.

  27. Jen says:

    You mean, there ISN’T a point of clear skin? Wahhhh!!!

    And, unfortunately, I’m having that “you’re not the boss of me” conversation with my five year old. Gah.

  28. Trivial Mom says:

    Moms need to win every once-in-a-while. So the whole who’s the boss thing goes on till 11? Great she’s two and we’ve already started.

  29. Lawanda says:

    Yea, I hate that I am 32 and still get pimples…along with the stupid wrinkles! stinks.

    Good on you for winning the race, although I am sure you’ll still have to say things like “you’re not the boss of me” teehee

  30. J says:

    So glad I found this blog.
    I pray for rain and now will do it proudly as there are “others” doing the same.

  31. Cindi says:

    I can so relate to your 11.5 yo problem. My dear oldest son will be 17 tomorrow (am I really old enough to have a son that age!?)I would lend you my “Not the Momma” or “Junior Parent” button, but I am still using them for another year at least. Are you old enough to remember that stupid show about the dinosaur family where the baby sat in the high chair and yelled “Not the Momma” at the oldest brother? See I am telling my age.

  32. Carrie says:

    Ha! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one relishing the last few years (months? weeks?) of being able to physically best my growing punk, I mean kid. I like to include a noogie in my celebration, since I can still temporarily get my arm around his neck and reach the top of his head. My screen saver, programmed by DH, reads “I’m the Mama!”

  33. The Daring One says:

    It’s fairly silly how excited I am that you won. #3 is becoming painfully clear to me. When you find the solution, please let us all know.

  34. Lucinda says:

    Ha! I hated my chi chi new cellphone’s rings, too. There were a bunch with people actually singing. Like a barbershop quartet. I didn’t have a single ring that sounded normal. WTF?

    My theory is that now that ringtones are so easily downloaded, they try to get you to do that and spend more money by putting crappy free rings on your phone.

  35. Miss Peach says:

    Congratulations on the win! Just think of the ammunition it got you… nicely done!

  36. Carmen says:

    Ok, Chris, enough is freakin enough.

    Now we both have the old fashioned telephone ringer? Oh.my. The Hubster thinks I’m insane for using that ringtone - claims that I’m the only person in America with it.

    For pimples with wrinkles, try the Oil of Olay total effects line. I puffy heart that stuff. Also the regenerist line. This comes from a woman who has used every single expensive skin care line that there is out there, and lately I’ve been the most happy with my skin by using this stuff, and washing with cetaphil twice a day.

    Oh, and soccer is over, but HOW I prayed for rain on Saturdays…..

  37. thatgirl says:

    David Blaine is a complete and total psycho. I was trying to watch something else the other night and he was invading my TV and I thought it was a joke. Where is the entertainment? Why does he have “fans”?

    I have the old-fashioned ring too. I would not even begin to know how to download a ringtone. If I did, though, I’d get “Mahna Mahna.” I hear that’s available. That’d be nifty.

  38. Anonymous says:

    I kept hearing my ringtone around town (a sassy latin ring that came with my phone…and every suburban mom in my town seemed to pick that one also). So I downloaded a few ringtones so I would not start digging thru my purse everytime some other mom’s phone rang. It’s not that hard to do…I did have my DH help me get started. Now I hear a short “Age of Aquarius” riff on my phone. I’m sure you can download a basic ring if that’s what you want.

    Also, I hear ya on the “hoping for rain” business.


  39. Maliavale says:

    God bless you for using a ring that sounds like a real, honest phone. I use the closest one I can get to that, but it doesn’t sound nearly as good as I’d like. I hate all the tinny noises and songs and junk like that coming out of people’s phones. They’re PHONES for chrissake.