Things that defy explanation
May 24, 2006
Alternate title, Things I’ll be muttering about when they lock me up in the asylum.
I don’t know why I bother asking questions.
Do I like to hear myself talk? I don’t think so, at least not at the decibel and frequency that these sorts of questions require.
Yet, I can’t help it. I long for answers, where there are none to be given.
Here are the top five ridiculous questions (that I can remember) that I have asked my children this week and their answers. Identity of children is not being disclosed to protect their innocence, future ability to find dates identity
Scene I:
Me: “Why did you think it was okay to poke your brother in the back with your fork because he was breathing near you?”
Child: “Because.”
Me: “You are breathing near me and I’m not stabbing you with my fork.”
Child: “Well, I bet you want to.”
Me: “But the point is that I’m not”
Scene II:
Me: “Why is this shirt on the bathroom floor? What’s that on it? Oh no…. no…. is that poop? Is that poop all over the tshirt? Why would someone do that? WHY?”
Child: “Maybe there was no toilet paper.”
Me:”I think I have animals for children.”
Scene III:
Me: “What do you mean you didn’t want the hamburger anymore? Did it not occur to you that the garbage can would be a more appropriate place for it than under the couch cushion?”
Child: “Well, I might change my mind and still want it.”
Me: “Oh puh-lease, were you really thinking you would eat it later?”
Scene IV:
Me: “Why did you just trip him?”
Child: “I didn’t think that would happen!”
Me: “Well, how about you clear this up for me. Just what did you think would happen when you stuck your foot out as you brother ran by?”
Scene V:
Me: “Why would you think it would be okay to dry your wet body by rolling all over my bed? Wouldn’t it have been easier to walk to the linen closet and get a towel?”
Child: “What’s a linen closet?”
Bonus Scene inside my head:
Me: Why did you wax your own eyebrows?
Myself: It seemed like a good idea.
Me: But you have trouble handling the tweezers.
Myself: Yes, I remember that now.
Yet Another Bonus scene that occurred as I was typing this:
Rob: Why did you take a stick and beat all the plants and flowers that were just planted in front of the house?
Child: I don’t know why.
Rob: What were you thinking?
Child: I don’t know.
Rob: Were you angry? Is that why? You obviously did it on purpose. What were you thinking?
Child: No. I just thought of doing it and did.
Finally, one that isn’t related to my children.
Why am I the number two result in this google search: how to bring shape in big hanging boobs in India. Why, I am shouting at you internet.
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HA!
May 24th, 2006 at 8:28 amPriceless!
May 24th, 2006 at 8:32 amYou are just joking. You didn’t really have these conversations. You really have video cameras hidden in my house and witnessed ME having THESE conversations.
May 24th, 2006 at 8:35 amWow, I googled that it there is a huge article about *lamps.* How informative. Thanks!
May 24th, 2006 at 8:38 amThat is so funny. Reminds me of this conversation with one of my kids:
Me: You were standing in the middle of the yard. Why wouldn’t you move so they could play kickball?
Child: I was doing something!!
Me: What were you doing?
Child: standing there…
May 24th, 2006 at 8:43 amYou’ve made my day. It’s good to know that children are the same the world over…or at least at my house.
May 24th, 2006 at 9:01 amThe way google works is by examining how many / which pages link to your site regarding a specific topic (look at ‘pagerank explained’ at http://www.google.com/technology/). Having your site come up as a top choice is really a complement. It means that out of 317,000 pages, you are the second most linked to by other quality sites regarding this topic.
There has been talk lately about how the relevence of google searches has declined in the last year. This is probably a good example.
May 24th, 2006 at 9:12 amOh my goodness! That is too funny! Well, I can definitely relate to those scenes! I all hear back is “I don’t know!”. Guess your kids have more direction, no? Oh and I’d like to hear how we can cure those saggy boobs! What do you know that I don’t?
May 24th, 2006 at 9:27 amYou mean you DON’T have big Indian boobs? I’m shocked, Chris, shocked.
May 24th, 2006 at 9:30 amThe fork question and answers were the best! I love it when he said “Well, I bet you want to.”
Ha so true!
May 24th, 2006 at 10:05 amWell, but come on, Chris. Who hasn’t stuck their hamburger under a couch cusion just in case they might want it later? I mean, we’ve all been there.
May 24th, 2006 at 10:37 amIf you don’t write a book, you are missing a golden opportunity. You could be our next Erma Bombeck.
May 24th, 2006 at 10:39 amomg! You have no idea how many of those, or much like those I have had with my kids over the years! Thank goodness they are almost grown and will one day have kids of their own to ask them! LOL Hang in there!
May 24th, 2006 at 10:39 am“how to bring shape in big hanging boobs in India”….
you were the FIRST link when i googled it just now!
thanks for another laugh to start my day
May 24th, 2006 at 10:41 amI read this to my husband, who ran over and insisted I google it while he watched. You were #2 for me.
What I want to know is, HOW, for the love of God, did you figure THAT out??!?!
Elizabeth
May 24th, 2006 at 10:45 amI suppose in the mind of a child Mom can ask the silliest questions.
While discussing my grandson’s refusal to take swimming lessons, my DIL asked, “What are you so afraid of?
He replied in that “duh” tone of voice, “Drowning!”
3-year old granddaughter in the car at night - “Mommy, turn on the light.”
DIL - “Why do you need the light?”
Granddaughter - “To see better.”
I stopped cleaning my boys’ room when I found a veal cutlet in the toy box.
May 24th, 2006 at 11:09 amDon’t these kind of interchanges make life fun? One of my favorites from my house is:
Me:”Why is there a fire truck in the toilet?”
Now, why did I even ask? Is there, in the whole world, a logical explanation for this.
Thanks for writing, Chris. I love your blog!
May 24th, 2006 at 11:16 amOh.My.God. If I don’t stop laughing I’m going to get fired! Just too much! You have got to get your own TV show!
May 24th, 2006 at 11:17 amNot only do I love your blog, but I love the people who comment on it, too. Hilarious!
I agree that you should be writing a book. You are as funny as Erma Bombeck–without a doubt. And the thing is, that’s a unique talent; not only do you talk about the humor and horror in having children, but your warmth and compassion still manages to shine through. Not many people can find that kind of perfect balance in humorous writing. (They tend to sound calloused and cold-hearted instead.)
You are amazing! Thank you for brightening so many of my days.
~Susan
May 24th, 2006 at 11:28 amChris, I’m a newbie to you blog and have one question for you…
Have you always been this sarcastic twisted funny or have your children finally driven you over the edge? I enjoy your sense of humor, keep ‘em coming!
I second the “You could be the next Erma Bombeck” idea! Think about it! Book deals, a nanny for the children!
May 24th, 2006 at 11:30 amSo as an experiment I googled ‘yellow boobs’ and I got your site not far down the list! ….The google sites surrounding yours were kind of scary…!
May 24th, 2006 at 11:33 amI have one to add for you:
Me: WHY did you spray your little brother with Lysol??
Child: He smelled.
May 24th, 2006 at 11:42 amLordy that’s funny. And scary.
May 24th, 2006 at 11:57 amThat is hilarious!
May 24th, 2006 at 12:21 pmROTFLOL.
Sadly, I can actually imagine all of those conversations taking place. Sigh.
May 24th, 2006 at 12:26 pmI meant taking place AT MY HOUSE TOO. Sorry…
May 24th, 2006 at 12:26 pmIt could be worse, chris. He could have FLUSHED the t-shirt after using it in place of toilet paper.
Did he really roll on your bed wet and naked? I’m DYING.
I remember answering “I don’t know” to my dad when I did something and watching smoke come out of his ears. The truth is, I didn’t know why I did the things I did.
May 24th, 2006 at 12:40 pm“well, I bet you want to.”
“but the point is I’m not.”
That nearly killed me. Seriously, it was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
May 24th, 2006 at 12:41 pmI need to research that creative commons thing because those are the conversations I have with MY kids every day!
Especially the poop one. Oh yeah and the hamburger one.
May 24th, 2006 at 1:44 pmI’m back! Had to come read the comments on this one! You should definitely write a book, I agree.
Oh by the way…I have a new kind of Meme….wanna play?
May 24th, 2006 at 2:36 pmOK
1. WOW you’re number 2 in google for “how to bring shape in big hanging boobs in India”.
2. What the hell made you google that??
No,I mean, really. What were you looking for???
May 24th, 2006 at 3:05 pmI found out that I was second in that google search because my sitemeter told me so, not because I was googling it for my own information.
May 24th, 2006 at 3:33 pmO Gods, I can’t wait for these conversations with my kids. I’ve been hearing stories from my mom about all the things I did as a child recently…I’m in for it.
Anyhow, love your blog, I read it all the time, and often out loud to my hubby, who cracks up over it just as much as I do….he even goes “Awww…” in all the appropriate places!
May 24th, 2006 at 4:14 pmall hilarious!! I’ve been there with a few of them! or at least close! the indian boob thing is CRACKING me up!!!!
May 24th, 2006 at 4:32 pmScene I is the best…I bet after witnessing the exchange you DID want to stab said child with your fork!
May 24th, 2006 at 4:34 pmI think your blog has got to be one of the best ones out there!!! I’m down there in the trenches with you! Hilarious!!!
May 24th, 2006 at 4:34 pmoh, clothing used as toilet paper…I thought that was just the animals at my house.
I so heart you today.
May 24th, 2006 at 5:28 pmah yes, the hamburger under the cushion saved for later routine. I know that one all too well! Priceless.
May 24th, 2006 at 5:50 pmAt the school I was student teaching at somebody pooped outside our classroom door (the exterior one not one inside the building THANK GOODNESS!). We know it was a human because they left a white athletic sock behind that they most likely used to wipe. We’ve been laughing about it for days.
May 24th, 2006 at 5:53 pmI;m so glad these things still go on. It makes me glad to know that some things just never change. I remember when my now-34 yr son and his now 28 yr daughter had a screaming knock down because he was “breathing her air” at the dinner table as they sat across from each other. I love it!!!!
May 24th, 2006 at 6:29 pmI meant his now 28 yr old sister~~ Old timers’ ya’ know!!
May 24th, 2006 at 6:30 pmHow very funny. I love reading these types of conversations - they are priceless. Make notes for your kids and read them out at their 21st birthday parties!
May 24th, 2006 at 7:39 pmThank God the child did not use his HAND as toilet paper and then use the WALL as a towel!
Luv your writing–some smart agent better be reading the mommyblogs!
May 24th, 2006 at 10:25 pmYa know — it’s hard to read you after having had two kids and having not been faithful in doing my kegels ;-P
May 24th, 2006 at 11:57 pmSo I was googling how to bring shape to my big hanging boobs and came across your site. I love it. I read, before I had children, that you aren’t supposed to ask children why. I wish with everything in me, that I had finished the dadgum article because I can’t remember why. I know it just gets me frustrated with my kids. But I think that YOU should ALWAYS ask your children why—it’s downright hilarious, and kids who can answer the way they do, NEED to be asked why. The wisdom of “Well I bet you want to” and the just plain common sense of “Maybe there was no toilet paper” really just needs to be out there.
May 25th, 2006 at 12:19 amlol. you are hilarious. i love reading your blog.
May 25th, 2006 at 1:51 amI read this just after my oldest daughter wiped the excess lotion off her hands, on our newly painted walls, as she was walking out the door. I asked why and she just shrugged…
May 25th, 2006 at 3:37 amOhhh thank the heavens I had just been to the bathroom, that had me laughing out loud.
(I googled to see …. that is just amazing)
May 25th, 2006 at 3:50 amLAUGH. OUT. LOUD. FUNNY. Your blog is so great.
May 25th, 2006 at 9:41 amHere’s a conversation from our house several years ago:
ME: You are in trouble; do not talk; if you talk, I will be forced to spank you
CHILD: Now is that a hard spankin’ or a soft spankin’?
ME: ARRRR! (Run screaming from the house, tearing out my hair).
Confession: I once tied a jumprope to a chair leg and then hid under the counter holding the other side. When my brother ran by, I pulled the rope taught and tripped him, and he hit his head on the corner of the open dishwasher and had to go to the hospital for stiches. My mom was all “why would you do that to him??” The honest truth is, I just wanted to see if it would really work, like it did in the Smurfs.
May 25th, 2006 at 9:47 amChris, I LOVE your site. I read it every day. This one had me rolling! Amah said her son was “breathing his sister’s air”. My 11 year old told me one time to quit breathing so deep because I was using up all his air. Puh-lease!
May 25th, 2006 at 9:52 amI swear, you should write a book! Have you read Please Don’t Eat the Daisies?
May 25th, 2006 at 1:14 pmI swear, you should write a book! Have you read Please Don’t Eat the Daisies?
May 25th, 2006 at 1:15 pmIt is so good to hear I’m not the only one having these conversations. You are great!
May 25th, 2006 at 9:45 pmOh my gosh.. I can completely relate. I have 5 kids myself.. boys nonetheless.. and sometimes I really do wonder what makes them do the things they do and the universal answer seems to be “I don’t know”.. lol. Kudos to you lady!
May 26th, 2006 at 12:57 pmi’ve missed your stories since i’ve been AWOL - thanks so much for making me laugh and knowing i’m not alone!
May 27th, 2006 at 9:50 amI am laughing so much I have tears in my eyes! I am NOT laughing at you I am definately laughing with you! I can totally relate! It is nice to know that there are other moms out there dealing with the same types of issues!
May 29th, 2006 at 8:40 pm