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Are You There God? It’s Me Chris

Are You There God? It’s Me Chris

May 25, 2006

I told myself that once the boy stopped nursing and the boobs resumed their normal permanent state that I would buy some new bras. But you probably already know that God, since you are omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. And, as an aside, my children want to know if you and Santa are friends? Anyway, wearing baggy stretched out nursing bras does nothing for the self esteem.

So I began looking for some new bras. Online, of course, because what little is left of my self esteem can not take trying on bras in a brightly fluorescent lit dressing room.

I actually broke out the tape measure and measured. Then I read the directions again.

Then I remeasured, because surely I was doing it wrong.

Then I read the directions again, out loud this time, just in case I had suddenly been struck by some sort of reading comprehension problem.

And then I remeasured again, with both lungs filled to capacity with air.

And I got the same result.

I feel so deflated, literally.

The website laughed at me and sent me to the children’s department to buy undershirts with a tiny pink rose in the center. Which will inevitably make it look like I have three nipples.

A friend of mine told me recently that she noticed her daughter had stuffed her bra with cotton balls. I can relate.

And God, while I am on this rant. Why can’t clothing manufacturers agree on sizing? Remember when I went to Old Navy a few weeks ago? Well I bought two pair of capri pants for myself, in the same size. One fits perfectly. One not at all. In fact, I am not sure who the second pair is made to fit. Someone who has hips three inches bigger than mine, yet thighs that are a few inches smaller. Maybe they are made for ten year old boys. Who don’t wear underwear. I don’t know.

Also God. Bathing suits. I don’t think I need to say anymore on this topic. I am afraid that should I wear one people who turn to look at me will be turned to pillars of salt, so great would be the horror.

Well, God that is it for now. I must go take my children to their class. Where I will see that woman who will totally insult me because she is perfect. And I will quietly seethe. And say curse words inside my head.

You might think I am taking your name in vain, but God, I am not. I want you to damn her. Smite her. If I wear a bathing suit under my clothes and flash her, could you turn her into a pillar of salt? or a burning bush? That would be cool. I’ll bring marshmallows.

Thank you,
Chris

Posted by Chris @ 8:18 am  

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Comments

  1. Mrs. G. says:

    This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Cheerio's on my butt? says:

    Yeah, I’m deflated now too….*sniff*. All these years I have been pregnant, nursing, or on Depo shots and all three contain hormones that make my breasts swelled and stuff….Well, all of it is over now and I am shrunk…big time! I feel your pain, but I did find a cool bathing suit that I won’t at least scare people in! AND I don’t feel old! Bottom half is Shorts style and top is bikini top but has a mesh fabric that nicely covers entire (eewww) tummy!

  3. Mrs. G. says:

    Ack! I am really sorry about that “link” I tried to post! Please feel free to doctor it up if you can. To find the suit, just go to http://www.jcpenney.com. Click on “women’s” then “swimwear” then “separates.” The suit I chose is on page 2 of “separates” and has pieces from the first and second suits pictured.

  4. Lilly says:

    Just to maybe make you feel better about small boobs, my sister wanted to get breast reductions just because they’re huge BUT her insurance won’t pay for it because they said she’s just under the limit for medically huge, she’s just cosmetically huge. My mom used to tell me to thank my lucky stars that I didn’t inherit her side of the family’s breast size. I look more like my dad, literally. Your post made me laugh out loud.

  5. Ellen says:

    When I had my first I worked hard to find a nursing bra that would still give me rock star breasts. With my second I used those again, and my rock stars turned into two-bit State Fair musicians. Here I am with #3 my breasts don’t even get seen anymore because I have stopped concealing the huge smiling “o’s” of my breast pads, which make me look like I have two archery targets on my chest through my thin white tshirt. It’s so easy once you stop caring.

  6. Ashley says:

    And I’ll bring the chocolate and graham crackers…we can have smores!

    Shrunken boobs here too! To add insult to injury, they slide into my armpits when I lie down. “Perky” is a thing of the past!

  7. Alissa says:

    it’s OH! so sad and OH! so true. Every talks about how big your boobs will get while Breastfeeding. No one EVER mentions how small they resort to after you’re done. It’s the reason women in their 30s get boob jobs.

  8. Anonymous says:

    I have the opposite pain.
    I am now a nice small 40DD, after all my kids and nursing. My boobs were sooooo big with my ds that I could literally put my chin on them. it was very difficult to find nursing bras large enough.

  9. novaks8 says:

    I am also on the opposite end of the spectrum.

    I daydream about being tiny and going braless without causing tremors in the earth.

    I think the size thing with clothing is a language barrier. The clothes made in Honduras are differently sized than the ones made in India.

  10. Emily says:

    Aww, man. I’m pregnant with my first and for once in my life I can lie down and my breasts DON’T disappear. I don’t want them to go away.

    Well, my mom-in-law has implants after her kids, so at least I know my husband will spring for ‘em when I need ‘em.

  11. Eli's Mom says:

    Great blog. I, too, have sworn to buy new bras once I wean Eli. I’m still a few monhts away, but I cringe when I think about what size I will wear. Before I had him I was an A cup..do they make anythign smaller? Send me some of your white tops with the roses in the middle, cuz that’s without a doubt what I will end up sporting.

  12. Jessica says:

    Laughing at your post - very funny. I’m looking for a swimsuit that will counter the “grapefruits in the end of socks” look my boobs are currenly cultivating. Yikes!

  13. Trivial Mom says:

    Being too big is just as hard as being too small. My mom lost her boobs after she nursed . . . me I gain. Before I had googie, and all through highschool, I was a full C. When I was pregnant with her I got up to a D, and nursing was atleast a DD. After she was done I returned to a big D. Now pregnant with number 2 it’s back to DD for me. Do you know how hard it is to find a 34DD bra? And when I nurse this one what will I be like an F or something. After three kids I don’t even want to think about what size I’ll be. I just want my perfect highschool C back!

  14. trinaleah says:

    Your posts make me laugh out loud!! You have a great sense of homor about life..good for you!!

  15. Meg says:

    This is why I go to Victoria’s Secret. Yes, it’s overpriced and a girl 10 years younger than me wants to measure my boobs, but the gentle lighting and decor makes me feel better about everything. And kind of makes me want to have sex, but that’s my own issue, I guess.

  16. Nohe 5 says:

    Oh to have tiny boobs and wear pretty bras. My big ole knockers are supported by trestles and totally unsexy white cotton. It is hard to feel sexy when your bra says, “Come on Big Guy. Doesn’t this bra remind you of catching your mother getting dressed when you were 10 years old.” Yuck! I would go braless, but then I would end up looking like the cover of National Geographic.

  17. Gail Martin says:

    I worked with a woman who wore a 32AA. She claimed Victoria’s Secret was the only place she could get bras that at least looked sexy. I now work with a woman who is a 32A. She claims Victoria’s Secret bras are the bras that make her look like she has boobs. I have the opposite problem but Victoria Secret bras make me look better, too. Just avoid their cotton bras. They fit oddly.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Ok, I want to join the venting here. Ashley, how I wish that I had enough to slide into my armpits. And while we’re on the subject of how our dearly loved children have RUINED our figures, does anybody else have twin skin? For the uninitiated, this is all the skin that is left over after giving birth to multiples. My twins weighed 7 lbs each, and the aftermath is not pretty.

  19. Melissa L says:

    Ooooh, sweetie, calm down! I was always an A cup before I had the kids and after nursing four I’m a droopy B cup with tons of lovely stretch marks. We can’t have all these children and expect to look like we did before. I’m sure you look great right now. We all age and don’t look like we did when we were 17. And it’s ok. It’s worth it, to me at least, I have four healthy kids and I love them so much. Oh, and people still think I’m pretty even if I’m not 17 anymore.

  20. Carola says:

    You are hilarious…I am still nursing my first baby…two cups bigger than I used to be…we’ll see what happens when I stop…I know it’s not going to be pretty!

  21. MommyLady says:

    Before I had Big Man, I was a perfect 38C. I went up to a 40DD, and after nursing him for a year (he weaned himself 2 weeks shy of his first birthday) went down to a 40D. Then came Her Chunky Highness, as of right now, I’m a 40G. Yes, G. It makes me want to cry. She’s almost 9 months old, and still nurses every 2-4 hours, I think she’ll be older when she weans. These dratted things are huge and I just know I’m going to need a lift when all is said and done. Also, I’ve got this belly flap from 2 C-sections, one emergency and the other required as they wouldn’t let me try for a VBAC….and from what the doc says, I can work out all I want, but I’ll never totally lose that little flap….tummy tuck, anyone? Too bad I don’t have the money for something like that!

  22. Karmyn R says:

    yeah - after children and breastfeeding, I feel your pain - there is no such thing as nice looking boobs anymore….I had a sister-in-law tell me that when she hit 35 everything went South - yup, that’s me. I am just looking for a bra that will keep my boobs up - away from the tummy- hopefully somewhat mid-central in the chest. GOOD LUCK!!!

  23. halloweenlover says:

    LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, fingers in my ears. I can’t hear this talk about boobs being ruined after pregnancy.

    LA LA LA LA LA. I’ll email you with the link to a webpage I found that has nice things for less than large breasts. Not that yours aren’t large and perky, because they are. I’m just offering up for anyone you know that might need them.

  24. Kristen says:

    Oh if you could get God to do away with swimsuits, you would be the new Messiah. The flab, the jiggling, the terrible angles in the mirror.. AAAACCK!

  25. JustJen says:

    Amen to the Vics Secret…that’s the only luxury I truly afford myself. I actually have the opposite problem and the Body by Victoria stuff is the only thing that can adequately keep ‘em up where they belong and allow me to feel the tiniest bit sexy. As for Old Navy…same problem here. I more or less gave up on buying clothes there b/c they are never the same size. It makes me insane.

  26. EvaRob says:

    Let’s make smores……

  27. Lucinda says:

    I know this post is all a ruse to try and convince the world that you DON’T have stripper-sized boobs.

    But I know the truth, Chris. You can’t fool me!

  28. Melissa says:

    I love your blog & have been reading it for a few months now & even suggested it to my sister-in-law. I do not have a blog roll but was wondering if I could post your blog as one of my favorites on my Bebo page?

  29. Jen3 says:

    Yep, I posted a similar story on my blog last week. My beautiful boobs went from a 40D to a limp 34B. OK, OK. 34A. Dumb me, I went out and bought all new bras less than a month after I’d weaned the triplets. Little did I know they’d continue to shrink. And shrink. And shrink. The boobs have packed up shop and moved to my arse. My pants have gone up 2 sizes since I’ve weaned the kids - despite the fact I’m 5lbs less than my pre-pg weight. How’s that for a cruel twist of fate? The good news is - my gums are the healthiest they’ve been since BEFORE I was pregnant.

    It’s a tough call. I think I’d rather have bleeding gums and a nice rack.

  30. GraceD says:

    Seven kids and two perfect little blossom bosoms? I’m just sitting here, shaking my head at the monitor, my too-big-for-an-Asian knockers quivering with each head shake.

    What would I give to posess your dainty curves, Chris? Well, I know I would love to give away the two sports bras I wear when I run. Two. Sports. Bras. At. Once. Keeps the girls harnessed, but gives me a uniboob.

    We’ll compare notes at BlogHer. This will require drinks. Let the wine flow! Let the boobs heave!

    ********

    It is always a pleasure and delight to read your fine weblog, Chris. I know I speak for many when I tell you that your writing is some of the best work on parenting anywhere.

  31. D says:

    OK I enjoyed this one. Really did LOL. well done. Keep it up. You riase the bar with stuff like this ;)

  32. Lisa says:

    If only I could wear a cute little undershirt….or a cami, or….a bra that didn’t look like I was appearing in Ride of the Valkyries. God….I’m willing to switch with Chris…help us out!

  33. Chris says:

    Mrs G.

    I am so sorry I had to remove your post. The really long url was messing up the blog format. And I checked the JC PEnney site, and they don’t have any bathing suits my size.

  34. kate says:

    oh, dude, i feel your pain. when i went to get new bras finally (my son was over a year old and i saw pictures of myself at his birthday party and realized just how awful the saggy nursing bra situation was) i got measured and was told i went down a cup size!!! what the? going from b to a is harsh, man, way harsh.

  35. InterstellarLass says:

    I got yer 40DD’s right here. I’m wishing I was that perfect 36C that I used to be. I don’t think I ever will. Big’uns can sag and flop too, ya know.

  36. Jennifer says:

    Waaaaaaahhhhh….I feel your pain. Not that I had anything before I had the babies, but I LOVED the B cup I got up to when I was nursing. Now I’m down to an A on one side, an AA on the other. I would go braless, but I have headlight issues. Maybe I’ll just tape Band-Aids on every morning?

  37. J's Mommy says:

    Great letter! I wish I could find a bra that I didn’t have to scoop my boobies into. Oh wait, I guess that doesn’t have anything to do with the bra. It’s just that THEY ARE SAGGY!!!

  38. dorothy says:

    After my ribs wouldn’t go back after pregnancy, I now wear the impossible-to-find 36A. And sometimes I have trouble filling that bitch out.

  39. Wendy says:

    I have to rely on Victoria’s Secret and her oodles of padding and underwires to at least make it seem as though I’m not outboobed by my daugther. I could probably get away with going braless, but with all the post kid sag and drag, I might look like I have a couple of extra outie belly buttons.

  40. hannah says:

    Don’t give up hope……It took a year after I had stopped nursing for mine to fill out again.

  41. Nanny in New York says:

    Oh I totally can second your prayer. Where there are children there is food, and where there is food, the hips (and other unfortunate parts of the body) grow. I try to pretend that running around with a soccer ball in the park for an hour makes up for eating six pancakes with butter and syrup. It doesn’t.

  42. Tori says:

    At least your problem is tiny boobs. Mine are vast sagging mountains of doom… Twin Peaks no more…
    I get guided to the full figure section of lingerie departments, passing all the cute stuff on the way. There you find Granny knickers and boulder holders bras and you find that you are standing next to someone who is a hundred years old.
    I have a friend with littl’uns. She has a great bra. Will find out its name and pass it on…
    Us mothers of many need all the help we can get.
    Amen

  43. Jamie says:

    Ahhhh…the shrinking boobs. Mine are also deflated after just two babies. I definitely need to wear bras with a little padding now. Someone I know (who would kill me if I revealed her identity) told me now I know why she had a boob job after nursing four babies.

    p.s. if God responds, would you put in a good word for me? ;)

  44. The(un)PerfectMother says:

    Before I had my first child, I was a D cup. After her, I got down to a B cup. I was sooooo excitied! Then came the second one. And I went to a double D. Then I got down to a C, but I still forced myself into B’s, just bought a bigger back size, because I wanted to pretend that I was dainty. Then came the third, and within 2 weeks, I was back at a DD. I had a miscarriage, and it still took 5 months to get back into a full C. My boobs are so saggy, I dont even wear pajamas without a bra on, until I am in bed, turn off the light, and do the bra through the arm of the shirt thing, because I dont want to see them. I am considering showering blindfolded.

  45. Amah says:

    Why be so hard on yourself? Wait until the days when you have to roll those boobs and curl them around your finger to keep them in one place until you can get the bra on. Then lean forward and shake them into place. That’s when you are sorry you ever had them to start with :)

  46. Anonymous says:

    Ooo, I did NOT want to know about the possibility of shrinkage! That’s news to me. Sigh.

    The problem with Old Navy clothes is that they’re very cheaply made. I suspect part of the problem could be the way they cut the fabric. You know how, when kids cut through a big stack of paper, the papers end up being all different sizes? If they’re stacking the fabric and then cutting, you end up with the same thing — some pieces much bigger, some smaller, but all cut with the “size 6″ stamp. I found I have to try on EVERYTHING I buy from that store or risk bad surprises later.

  47. Jena says:

    Husband and I took a trip to Victoria Secret. This hasn’t happened since premarriage. I bought a Angel Secret Embrace bra. Oh my God! That is the best $42 I ever spent. Yes I said $42! I dont’ know I it summons angel to hang out under my shirt or what, but my deflated boob have seriously never looked better.

  48. Kim says:

    After nursing for 12 years I needed some new bras, in a bad way. I splurged on quality and the girls are happy. Now, about those stretch-marks…..

  49. Anonymous says:

    A friend of mine of 3 boys sent me a couple of your blogs, and I have now realized that while my husband and children nap this Sunday afternoon - I have completely ignored all the other items that could have been done around my house and have enjoyed two hours of the absolute best comedy ever!!! The truth is always better than fiction. Just as a note - my boobs are saggy after two babies now 7 and 3 and its worth it. There is also no way that I will let my children go into a public restroom alone until they are at least 18 and have left home no longer under my supervision. They are creepy places even for those of us “responsible adults.” So if you are an overprotective nut -good for you.

  50. Tara says:

    I found these great pills in the women’s section at my health food store. They actually made my deflated boobs perk up again after nursing my first baby. They really did work. Probably not as great as having a boob job, but there was a noticable difference. And another positive side effect was that they made me…let’s say a little more eager for my husband’s affection. I plan to use them again if I ever get my second child to wean. She just turned two, and she won’t quit. I even tried going away for four days, and I didn’t dry up. Do you have any advice on that topic?

    Thank you for your blog; I’ve never commented before, but I love to read it!