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2006 June

things you will never hear me say *

June 30, 2006

1. “I love exercising. Honestly, I can’t exercise enough.”

2. “These jeans make my ass look WAY too small.”

3. “I don’t think my children play enough baseball.”

4. “I wish my daughter would talk more. and screech more. and have more tantrums. Especially in the car.”

5. “My house is too clean. It is lacking that lived-in feel.”

6. “I have an even better idea…Let’s get two dogs… and a cat! Hell, let’s move to a farm.”

7. “I love spending all afternoon preparing delicious nutritous food for my children, even if they don’t appreciate it.”

8. “I love getting my period. I wish it came more often.”

9. “I love doing messy crafts with my children indoors. It doesn’t bother me AT ALL when they splash paint, glue or glitter all over the house. They are just expressing themselves.”

10. “I wish I could find a pair of denim overalls with Winnie the Pooh embroidered on the front pocket for myself.”

11. All the shorts that they are selling now in the stores are WAY too long and matronly.

12. “I am completely caught up on laundry.”

13. “There is nothing I love more than spending time in the car with my children, except grocery shopping with them. I think I might love that more.”

14. “I have too many shoes.”

15. “I have a great idea… Let’s go to Toys R Us. I don’t think you kids have enough toys!”

16. “Would you kids just run around and shout more, for crying out loud! I am so sick and tired of you guys just sitting there, quietly playing games and singing hymns together.”

feel free to add your own in the comments

* I completely stole this idea from my friend stacy, the rockin’ photographer who took the photo of the shoe that became my banner. But I didn’t steal the photo, she let me use it because she is also nice like that.

Posted by Chris @ 7:06 pm | 60 Comments  

tete-a-tete

June 29, 2006

Rob: So, the doctor said I should go to therapy for my thumb.

Me: Counseling to come to terms with you disfigurement?

Rob: Ha…no, physical therapy.

Me: And?

Rob: I told him I could handle it from here. But then he said I need to come for Vitamin E treatment.

Me: What is that?

Rob: Rubbing Vitamin E on my thumb to promote healing.

Me: That’s it?

Rob: Yes.

Me: That couldn’t be it.

Rob: I know. I thought that too. But that is it.

Me: Will the therapist rub the Vitamin E on with her naked body or something?

Rob: No. I asked.

Me: Hardly seems worthwhile then.

Rob: I told the doctor that I have a wife at home who is more than capable of rubbing the Vitamin E on for me.

Me: Heh.

Rob: What?

Me: I’m thinking you have a right hand that is more than capable of rubbing Vitamin E on your thumb.

******

I am at dentist getting work done. The dentist has given me numerous novocaine shots. And yet my teeth are not numb.

Dentist: You metabolize the novocaine very quickly. Most people would have their entire head numb from all this novacaine.

Me: Why couldn’t I have a fast metabolism for something good, like cookies or pie.

Posted by Chris @ 8:16 am | 19 Comments  

evidence that i am not one of them

June 28, 2006

yesterday I was… let’s just say out, okay? So I don’t have to mention that “b” thing again.

when the sky opened up and it began pouring. On of the mother’s turned to her husband, said something, and ran off. Rob and I look at him quizzically and he explained, “She is running home to shut all the windows.”

Rob and I both gave a little nod. A nod which says that we hear the words that you are saying, but they make no sense to us.

The man looked at me, “You’d never make it home in time to shut your windows.”

I laughed. “No, I wouldn’t. But I don’t mind the rain coming in the windows. I like to think of it as effortless cleaning.”

Posted by Chris @ 8:54 pm | 6 Comments  

rain, rain…

GO AWAY!

I can’t even form a coherent sentence about the never ending rain. I think my brain may have become moldy.

My drought resistant flowers, which were not inexpensive, but purchased for their love of dry sunny weather and my already established inability to remember to water anything, those flowers are drowning.

Half of the doors in my house won’t shut any longer. Or if you do shut them, you can’t easily open them. Which wouldn’t be too much of a big deal except one of those rooms is the guest bathroom and guests usually don’t like to pee with an audience. I don’t know why. I have personally done my pottying with an audience for years. I am especially fond of the clapping and discussing of the contents of the potty.

The other night my daughter woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t open her bedroom door. There was much crying and screaming. Though it did bolster her claim that she is in fact Cinderella. If only I could get mice to save her.

She has taken to calling me the Stepmother and instructs me to sing the song about all the work she has to do. You know the one:

Cinderelly, Cinderelly
Night and day it’s Cinderelly
Make the fire, fix the breakfast
Wash the dishes, do the mopping
And the sweeping and the dusting

But I like to change the lyrics:

Cinderelly, Cinderelly
Night and day, it’s Cinderelly
make the fire, pick your toys up
wash your hands,
and wipe you own butt

or:

Cinderelly, Cinderelly
Night and Day, it’s Cinderelly
make the fire, clean the toilet
eat your dinner,
NO more bottles!

yes, I do believe in encouraging my daughter to be a pyromaniac.

And she will get mad and say that I’m not singing the song right and then I will make up different lyrics. Oh, the rainy day fun. I can hardly stand it. Finally we will settle on some she likes:

Cinderelly, Cinderelly
Night and Day, it’s Cinderelly
Eat some candy, watch the t.v.
Have some icecream
Let me serve you!

Then when I am feeling particularly sorry for myself and martyr like I sing the Disney version only changing Cinderelly to Cinder-mommy.

Posted by Chris @ 5:36 am | 24 Comments  

the interview is up

June 26, 2006

go on over and read it. I’ll wait.

The big weekend news here… I spent the day Friday searching online for a replacement dishwasher, convincing Rob that there were NONE to be found for $100, and coming to the realization that perhaps I am an appliance snob, who knew? On Saturday morning Rob took the front panel thingy off the bottom, to “fix” the dishwasher, though he knows nothing about fixing dishwashers.

I may, or may not, have made fun of him, saying, “What do you think there will be a red arrow pointing to what is broken inside there?”

And he may, or may not, have said, “No, but there is this belt, that coincidentally is red, laying right here. It has obviously slipped off from where it belongs.”

And he may, or may not, have put it back on where it belonged.

And the dishwasher may, or may not, have begun working again.

And I may, or may not, have said, “If I didn’t know any better I would swear that you staged this so I would have to write on my blog what a superstar you are.”

So, we may be eating real food again, on actual plates with utensils, or maybe not.

Posted by Chris @ 4:34 am | 27 Comments  

Jumping in the Deep End

June 25, 2006

Remember the larger families website and the column I was writing “Advice from the trenches” remember? Well, I have moved the advice column to it’s own blog, purely for ease of posting on my part.

One of the things that I thought would be fun, was to interview various interesting mothers of larger than average sized familes and hear what they had to say about being a mother. What kind of advice do they have to offer. What possesed them to have some many children. Okay, I am mostly joking about the last one, but I hope the interviews give insight and break the stereotype of what it is like to be a mother of many chidlren.

Tomorrow morning I will publish the first interview, with Jacquelyn Mitchard, the author probably most well-known for her novel,The Deep End of the Ocean.

I went to her website, and on her bio page she writes that “her pet peeves are rude merchants, restaurants with only one high chair and signs that feature family names with an apostrophe “S.” ” And then I fell in love with her, in a completely non creepy way.

So, I found her email address, and sent off an email. Honestly, I didn’t think that she would even respond. But within an hour I had an email back from her personally saying that she would love to do it. She even has a blog.
Ack, I didnt even know what I wanted to ask yet. And I wanted the questions to be perfect, though I didn’t know what that “perfect” meant, and so I spent a lot of time typing questions, then pushing backspace, typing some more questions, then hitting delete.

I had told her assistant that I would have the questions to her by Wednesday night, but I didn’t end up getting around to emailing them until Thursday. I joked that I was going to play the I-have-seven-children-card as an excuse for my tardiness, figuring since she has seven children she could relate.

Oh how we would laugh. Ha ha hahaha…oh, hmmmm. Within an hour I had answers to all my interview questions. And that is why she is a highly paid author, and I am not.

Posted by Chris @ 5:40 pm | 13 Comments  

We could all stand to lose a bit of weight

June 23, 2006

I would not have made good Pilgrim. Aside from the fashion aspect of wearing those grey colored clothes and brass buckled shoes, I don’t like hardship. I don’t like to get dirty. And above all else, I don’t like to be sweaty.

Whatever hearty pioneer spirit the early American settler’s had, I have none of it. If I had lived back then they probably would have thrown me overboard into the Atlantic when I proclaimed one too many times, “This sucks!”

Today my dishwasher broke. It just stopped working. Though it’s apparent demise did not stop it from continuing to make a noise that rivaled that of a jet engine preparing for take off. Which, by the way, is normal for our antiquated model.

So I had no idea that anything was amiss until several hours later when I opened the door and was greeted by a pungent musty smell. All the dishes were still dirty and there was a pool of water in the bottom of the dishwasher that threatened to spill out unless I shut the door very quickly. Which I did.

I turned the dishwasher on again, just in case I had turned it on wrong before. I don’t know how I would have turned it on wrong. No need for rational thought. This is a crisis, people. A crisis which calls for much wailing, swearing, and shaking my fist at the sky while crying, “Why me?!?”

So I was hopeful. I turned the dishwasher on very carefully, and gently, with lots of love.
The kind of loving touch that says, ‘I’m sorry I took you for granted. I will cherish you always from this moment on. I love you deeply and can not go on without you.’

When nothing happened I tried to fix the dishwasher myself.

If by “fix” we mean kick repeatedly.

Then I told Rob. And he asked, “Well how much does a new one cost? $100?” And when I laughed he accused me of wanting some fancy hoity toity dishwasher. I know, me and my extravagant tastes in household appliances.

And then he said, “Well we have a sink. It won’t kill anyone to wash them by hand”

We all know that the anyone he was referring to was me. But it turns out he was wrong. It would kill someone. Him.

He is dead now.

And I am planning meals that require no dishes. I think a perfectly acceptable meal is dried cereal poured over the kitchen table, eaten by hand. Don’t you?

Posted by Chris @ 6:53 am | 51 Comments  

Blogging, it’s better than therapy

June 22, 2006

Today is the two year anniversary of me writing this blog, and what do you know it is raining today just like it was then. The only difference is that I don’t have a pool leaking water all over my already flooded yard.

But I do have a huge pile of dirt turned mud, that was once where my new patio is located. Did you know dirt is expensive? It is. Ridiculously so, in fact. And that is why the landscape contractors left the HUGE dirt pile behind. Rob told them we could use it somewhere else in the yard.

Or we could just let the rain rush down the pile and carry the dirt away in mud rivers all over the lawn. Or let the children grind it into every fiber of their clothing and have it wash down the drain in the washing machine. Any of those would be better than letting the expensive dirt go to WASTE!

This experience of writing and putting myself out here every day has been overwhelmingly positive. I have met people through this blog that I consider friends. I have even talked to some of them on the TELEPHONE. I know, how quaint! And talking to them has effectively cured my phone phobia. I realized that I don’t hate the phone per se, I was just talking to the wrong people on the phone.

Many of these people I will get to meet next month at Blogher, others I am forcing to come and visit me at my house, whether they really want to or not. Honestly, you’ll hardly notice the seven children at all, once you have had a few drinks, that is. And then there are others I will probably never meet in person, but I cherish your virtual friendships nonetheless.

To paraphrase one of my friends, this blog is less about me, than it is about all of you who take time to visit, read what I have to say, leave comments, and incredibly, come back again and again.

At the risk of sounding like a bad greeting card, I love you all. Yes, even you in the back over there.

Many thanks to mary for pointing out my blogiversary to me last night.

Posted by Chris @ 7:26 am | 57 Comments  

Quote of the day

June 21, 2006

We arrive at the beach where there are some children who are building what appears to be a castle with a moat around it in the sand.

“What are you doing?” my 7 yr old asks.

“I’m making a dam.” one of the children replies.

“A damn what?” asks my 5 yr old.

The other child looks at him, confused.

“Ooooooh, I get it. you are making a damn castle! Can I help?”

Scary sand monster

Like chubby thighs, some things are only cute on toddlers

some things are only cute on toddlers

the beach set can be found here.

Posted by Chris @ 4:59 am | 27 Comments  

How to cut a toddler’s hair in 25 easy steps

June 19, 2006

1. After looking at he sweaty haired toddler, determine he desperately needs a haircut
2. RIGHT NOW
3. Get out the haircutting supplies while feeding self delusions of grandeur
4. Put cape around toddler, which he promptly tears off
5. Pick up the first piece of hair, hold it lovingly between fingers
6. Begin cutting the perfect hair cut
7. Toddler shakes his head furiously
8. Resulting in a bald spot
9. Delusions of giving the perfect haircut, where strangers would approach and ask for the name of my toddler hairdresser and then look at me incredulously and utter, “wow, you cut hair? You are amazing!” are shattered
10. Pin toddler between knees
11. Let toddler lose exactly 3.5 seconds later after fearing the neighborhood windows will shatter from his piercing screams
12. Scream, “Baby you’re so going to lose an ear if you keep up the writhing!”
13. Employ new method of haircutting, a.k.a how much worse could it look
14. Grab and cut random patches of hair
15. while following behind the running toddler
16. Running with scissors near son’s head
17. now THAT is behavior you hope your children will model
18. Encourage 3 yr old to have a turn cutting toddler’s hair
19. good parenting at it’s finest
20. This way when people ask if a child cut the toddler’s hair the answer is truthfully, yes
21. Wonder how a baby crew cut would look
22. Decide, wisely, against getting out the clippers
23. Realize there is a special place in hell for people who cut their own toddler’s hair
24. At least he has those dimples to distract people, and a cute sun hat
25. And really, does anyone who still craps their pants care what their hair looks like

Posted by Chris @ 7:35 am | 38 Comments