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We could all stand to lose a bit of weight

We could all stand to lose a bit of weight

June 23, 2006

I would not have made good Pilgrim. Aside from the fashion aspect of wearing those grey colored clothes and brass buckled shoes, I don’t like hardship. I don’t like to get dirty. And above all else, I don’t like to be sweaty.

Whatever hearty pioneer spirit the early American settler’s had, I have none of it. If I had lived back then they probably would have thrown me overboard into the Atlantic when I proclaimed one too many times, “This sucks!”

Today my dishwasher broke. It just stopped working. Though it’s apparent demise did not stop it from continuing to make a noise that rivaled that of a jet engine preparing for take off. Which, by the way, is normal for our antiquated model.

So I had no idea that anything was amiss until several hours later when I opened the door and was greeted by a pungent musty smell. All the dishes were still dirty and there was a pool of water in the bottom of the dishwasher that threatened to spill out unless I shut the door very quickly. Which I did.

I turned the dishwasher on again, just in case I had turned it on wrong before. I don’t know how I would have turned it on wrong. No need for rational thought. This is a crisis, people. A crisis which calls for much wailing, swearing, and shaking my fist at the sky while crying, “Why me?!?”

So I was hopeful. I turned the dishwasher on very carefully, and gently, with lots of love.
The kind of loving touch that says, ‘I’m sorry I took you for granted. I will cherish you always from this moment on. I love you deeply and can not go on without you.’

When nothing happened I tried to fix the dishwasher myself.

If by “fix” we mean kick repeatedly.

Then I told Rob. And he asked, “Well how much does a new one cost? $100?” And when I laughed he accused me of wanting some fancy hoity toity dishwasher. I know, me and my extravagant tastes in household appliances.

And then he said, “Well we have a sink. It won’t kill anyone to wash them by hand”

We all know that the anyone he was referring to was me. But it turns out he was wrong. It would kill someone. Him.

He is dead now.

And I am planning meals that require no dishes. I think a perfectly acceptable meal is dried cereal poured over the kitchen table, eaten by hand. Don’t you?

Posted by Chris @ 6:53 am  

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  1. Mary says:

    My dishwasher sucks.
    I have given my husband a timeline on getting a new one or I will buy one myself and have them install it.

    My husband hates dishwashers.
    He prefers the dishes handwashed.
    Yet, he never seems to be around when they need washing.

    Maybe the next time he has a big job and needs to dig a huge trench, I should proclaim that he need not rent the $300 backhoe when he can dig it by hand!

    Yeah that’s it.

  2. Kim says:

    My dishwasher died a slow and dramatic death a couple months ago. I cried.
    A new one should be here next week. I smile.

  3. Wicked Stepmom says:

    I feel your pain!

    Cinderella broke our dishwasher (which was less than a year old!) over 3 months ago. It made the same horrific sound. New one should be in any day now.

    I thought I had the brilliant idea of teaching the child a lesson by tasking her with washing the dishes. Silly me. I’ve had to RE-wash more dishes than I care to admit because the concept of cleanliness is simply lost on 9 year olds.

  4. STACEY1207 says:

    I to can feel your pain and the men in our lives should be shot if they think that kids will/can do dishes right. I have to rewash every time they wash them. UGH! So I have now invested heavily in paper plates, plastic cups and I don’t let them use real silverware iether, just plastic. Throw it away. Eventually hubby will get tired of the cost or not having “real” things to eat off of and buy the new dishwasher! LOL. It shouldn’t take long it’s been about 3 weeks now and he is starting to make comments of how much he hate the plastic and paper. LOL

  5. Jess says:

    I would disolve into a weeping mass if my dishwasher died. It is the one thing in my house that I could not live without.

  6. InterstellarLass says:

    Cereal on the table or Spaghetti-O’s straight out of the can with plastic spoons. Works for me.

  7. meredith says:

    Sorry about your husband’s passing on ;)

    And yes, cereal is a very acceptable supper, even if you do decide to use utensils, one bowl and one spoon per person makes only 16 easy things to wash.

  8. Caren Story says:

    I love my dishwasher! I never want to live without one again. I hope you get a new one soon. I cannot imagine washing dishes by hand daily for 9 people. Not my thing :)

  9. Sherri W says:

    Two words for you, my friend: paper plates! Then it won’t be so much work to clean up after your husband’s funeral.

  10. Dangerous says:

    In your moment of need, I am de-lurking th give you som “Foods that do not require dishes” suggestions:

    Cold pizza (delicious and a balanced meal if you serve supreme)
    Raw veggies and string cheese
    Apples and peanut butter (straight out of the container of course)
    Cat food straight from the cat’s dish

    Also, keep in mind that a large dog with an ample toungue makes an excellent dishwasher in a pinch.

    Good luck!

  11. lilly says:

    I love it. Really. I rarely rarely laugh out loud at things I read and you make me LOL! …I see a nice shiny clean pretty dishwasher in your future.

  12. Ashley says:

    Condolences on your, ummm, loss?

    My dishwasher is on its last legs. I say a silent prayer every time I press the “on” button.

    And why not the hoity toity model? We are talking about a vital household appliance after all!

  13. bluepaintred says:

    a dishwasher is not a “want” its a need//// sort of like your husband needed to live..

    washing dishes for a large family, day after day, well.. uhm… maybe you could tell hubby each night that your hands “have a headache” from dishes so you cant…..
    i worked it out, 9 people eating three meals a da is right around 86 dishes ( including silverwware ) a day


  14. Jennifer says:

    $100? ha ha ha!!!! Maybe in 1968.

  15. Jen says:

    Hopefully your hubby has a decent life insurance policy, you could buy a whole slew of hoity toity appliances!

  16. Sarah says:

    Oh my goodness, I feel your pain. “It won’t kill anyone to wash them by hand.” !?!? What was he thinking? If that’s an offer to tackle the job himself, more power to him. Otherwise, I’d say a trip to the appliance store is in order. Paper plates until then aren’t a bad idea either. Yeesh! I hope you get your fancy-schmancy new washer soon.

  17. Ruth says:

    What is a dishwasher LOL? I have never had one despite having 7 kids and 9 people in the house, plus animals.

  18. Jodi says:

    Well his life insurance money should cover the purchase of a top-of-the-line model eh? ;)

    Mine died a few months back and I panicked. 5 kids and two adults make a lot of dishes in one day, I am sure you know this. I wash dishes for two days by hand and then I couldn’t take it anymore. Never again will I be dishwasher-less. I even considered buying a second one to store in the garage for when this one breaks. :)

  19. Danielle says:

    I don’t know if your husband is not aware of this fact but you have seven children. Maybe you should tell him. SEVEN. That means that you need a dishwasher. I only have three and I must have a dishwasher. I cried when my last one died. Ok, it was sob but the point is the same. You need a new one.

  20. Michelle says:

    That is a tragedy. There are 2 things that I hate to live without. My garbage disposal and my dishwasher.

    What a sad sad day!

  21. abc momma says:

    Forget paper plates–eat out every night so you don’t have to wash pots and pans either.

  22. Cheryl says:

    A dishwasher in your and my household is not a want item….it is a NEED item and if my hubby stalls too long I will call the store and have them come install a new one while he is hard at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if he doesn’t believe I will just ask him about the garage door project. ;)

  23. Susan says:

    I bet if u start charging money to wash each dirty cup, plate or bowl you could quickly earn the money needed to replace the dishwasher … I bet the number of dirty dishes would greatly diminish.

    And by the way, should you decide to not buy a new dishwasher with your earnings, I can steer you toward some great places to shop and to pamper yourself!

  24. Homestead says:

    My brother has a theory… he says get TWO! One on each side of the sink. Set the table out of the one that is clean and put the dirty stuff in the second one…. then rotate. You’ll never wasy OR PUT AWAY another dish again!

    Seriously… we got a lovely new dishwasher with a sanitize feature after an unfortunate “let’s store the dishwasher in the garage while we remodel and it is 20 degrees below zero and the water in the trap will freeze and blow everything apart” incident…. and I LOVE it. It was about $400 and is quiet & sleek & black & lovely…..

  25. Karin says:

    My deepest heart felt condolences. You tell that husband of your that he will have to buy you a new dishwasher, after all you are only thinking about him. You don’t want him to come home after a long day at work and find a sink full of dishes to do.

  26. Lilorfnannie says:

    There are times when the Man just cannot be moved, and then the thing is to simply go around him. Either get books from the library on how to fix it yourself & fix it, or get the money together to buy a new one and just buy it, or use all plastic/paper. I have a wee tiny dinky dishwasher that is utterly inadequate- and I hate, hate, hate to wash dishes by hand. Even for only 4 people. Since I have no feasible way of earning enough to get a new dishwasher, I use lots & lots of paper plates, paper napkins, and plastic cups. Paper towels are half as expensive if you get a big box of the tri-fold towels at the warehouse store. There you can even buy one of those nifty dispensers if you want, the heavy metal kind you see in some restrooms, but doubtless you can find an old rectangular tupperware to keep them in. And like a previous poster so wisely said- eventually, maybe he will get tired of using paper/plastic, and get you a dishwasher! And even if he doesn’t care about the paper/plastic (like mine), it’s still a winning situation, because you don’t do dishes. BTW another tactic is to log the amount of time you spend doing dishes by hand. Then stop doing the little things for him that he wants done- like iron his shirts, or make his favorite dessert, or whatever loss he feels most. Then show him, on paper, how this state of affairs simply does not allow you enough time to do the special things he wants you to do. That works for the household budget, too, when he complains about the expense of the paper/plastic- oops, since we don’t have a dishwasher, I just don’t have enough money in the budget to get you your favorite XYZ-

  27. Anna says:

    You are so damn funny. I love it! You make my day everyday, and I one day dream to write like you!

  28. chris says:

    Ruth, Ruth, Ruth… you NEED a dishwasher. Seriously.

    oh, the garbage disposal is my other love, though it does scare me slightly.

    lilorfnannie, see you are assuming here that I *do* things for my husband to begin with

  29. Suburban Turmoil says:

    Ha ha! I know the feeling- When we moved into our house, Hubs tried to “fix” the dishwasher (which wasn’t broken) and ended up breaking off a piece that couldn’t be replaced. Since we had just spent all our money moving, we brought the cheapest acceptable dishwasher we could find. BIG MISTAKE. I hate our $400 dishwasher with a white hot passion. It sucks. And therefore probably will not break for the next ten or so years… Splurge, darling. You’ll thank me for it later.

  30. Brandy of The Building Brows says:

    Your dish washer experience reminds me of our vacuum cleaner experience a few months ago when it mysteriously stopped working. It wouldn’t have been so bad, except we live in the woods on oceanless beachfront property, are building a house next door, and have six kids who are in an out all the time. And I’m allergic to dust. Gack.

    So yeah. I know what you mean. Hang in there–about 40 days or so at the most. That’s when starvation starts to kick in. ;)

    Glad I found your blog (Blog Top Sites). Love your style.

  31. Jenny says:

    Oh no. No, no no no NO.

    Dishwashers are a must. Either that, or you can have that man barbecue out in the yard, and serve everything on a skewer. Or a paper bag. Like camping!

  32. Maddy says:

    Have you considered a trade-in? You should get a pretty good dishwasher for your husband.

  33. Jurgen Nation says:

    Hey, Lean Cuisine gives you a handy little plate of your own that will take care of all your problems. Give Rob 2 days on the LC Plan and you’ll have the Cadillac o’ Dishwashers being installed as you’re getting a pedicure at the spa (another gift for working so hard).

  34. geminishadow says:

    My dishewasher has never worked, and I”ve always kinda preferred hand washing anyway. If I had your size family though, I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to live with out one!
    Paper plates, cups, and plastic silverware, I”ll tell you its the way to go, and when company comes over just get the chinet brand, its the china of paper plates!!!

  35. Heather says:

    Washing dishes by hand sure isnt my idea of fun. But I did it for (clears throat) 7 years. My kids were always more than willing to “help” do the dishes back then when they were 10 and 8. Now that we have a dishwasher, its like pulling teeth to get them to load the damn thing!

  36. Cheryl says:

    Oh Jurgan Nation has a wonderful idea….Chris, don’t kill that good lookin man…..Lean Cuisine him to death…..he’ll take you shopping and let you PICK-OUT the dishwasher of your choice. :)

  37. Gillian says:

    I think the cereal thing is commendable. I mean you have lessons in hand-eye coordination, sharing and…well…unless you are my grandson who is kind of in love with what we call the windshield wiper strategy. As far as we can tell, the flying whole grain nummies symbolize the statement, “That’s about enough of that.” as rendered by a two year old. He may just like a clean high chair tray.

    Some of yours may be old enough to see how many bits they can land inside the light fixture over the dining room table. I am going to my room now and think really hard about how much you deserve a wonderful dishwasher.

  38. jessica says:

    it’s cereal and peanut butter sandwiches on paper plates at my house when the dishwasher is broken - somehow, my husband always fixes it within 10 hours…..

  39. Antique Mommy says:

    Add a popsicle and you’ve got the breakfast of champions.

  40. Fold My Laundry Please says:

    I lived in an apartment for a year that did not have a dishwasher. Even worse, the sink was tiny and there was next to no counter space. Doing the dishes was a real pain because you could only fit a few at a time in the drying rack and there wasn’t much room on the counter to set them to dry, so I had to wash in small increments. Needless to say, there were ALWAYS dirty dishes waiting to be washed. Why didn’t I dry them by hand so that I could then make more room for drying dishes, you ask? Who really has time for that and anyway, isn’t that what air is for?

  41. Crazedmomof4 says:

    you don’t want food all over the table, then you’d have to clean it. Just get lunchmeat, buns & paperplates. Plus to make it easier, make the older kids make the sandwiches for all & then do the clean up! :D

  42. kwink says:

    Oh, I feel your pain. My 2 year old left a washcloth in the diswasher once and it got jammed into the motor…I remember that musty smell and the alarm I felt at the prospect of handwashing until the new one arrived. When my dryer broke I had to wait over a week for the new one and it took me an entire weekend to catch up on the laundry- 17 loads. For some reason my husband doesn’t remember it being any big deal. I still shudder.

  43. Jen3 @ Amazing Triplets says:

    I feel your pain. We lost our washing machine a few months ago and I was completely traumatized. Considering we do at least 2 loads of laundry a day … and it took us 5 days to get it fixed. Oy Vey.

    The washer was only 17-months old - and it turns out a baby sock got sucked in to the water pump. Happens all the time, apparently. (Are you using a mesh bag for little items like socks and washcloths?) The thought of washing the babies clothes in the bathtub crossed through my mind - for all of a second. As. If. I am going to wash clothes in a tub. I loaded everybody up and took them clothes shopping, instead (that was the lesser of 2 evils). Something tells me I would have been chucked over the side of the Pilgrim ship, too.

    Hope you get a fancy schmancy new dishwasher soon.

  44. Steph says:

    My dishwasher died almost 2 months ago, but we cannot afford to replace it. Paper plates and disposable cups are my new best friends. I feel your pain.

  45. Jamie says:

    I would have made a terrible pilgrim, too. Our dryer died last year and I tried hanging things out on my two big wooden drying racks for a week…it sucked to be a pioneer for just a few days. I’m thinking Sears needs to “pimp your kitchen.”

  46. liz says:

    I lived for 4 years with no dishwasher when it was just me and my husband. NEVER. AGAIN. Honestly.

  47. Katie says:

    I cried when our dishwasher died. It was replaced within 2 days because I became a huge bitch to live with.

  48. Alice H says:

    Chris, I wish I lived close to you so I could beat your husband…how DARE he suggest you not have a dishwasher?! With seven kids?! Make him do the dishes, and if he doesn’t keep up, don’t go to paper plates - you and the kids go out to get something and leave him to STARVE!

    Our dishwasher was the first major appliance we replaced in our kitchen. We had one of those GE jobbies that’s so horrible, we couldn’t even get Habitat for Humanity to take it as a donation. I love our new one - it’s a Kenmore, a step down from the top of the line one, and it’s got a food disposer and a ‘wash em til they’re clean’ cycle. And it’s QUIET.

  49. Stacey says:

    Look at the bright side- with hubby gone, that’s one less place setting to wash! Bwaahaaahaaa!

  50. Jonathan says:

    Hi Chris,

    When our dishwasher door broke I called someone out to fix it (I’m a fantastic husband you see … I also like things very clean!). The guy who was coming to fix it was coming on a weekday when I was at work so my wife needed to deal with him.

    The chap managed to convince my wife that there was “nothing wrong with it”…… it’s meant to be like that (you open the door and it drops open like a lead weight hitting you in the leg ….with a grinding noise that clearly means it broken).

    He charged us £50 for this which my wife happily paid!


    If it’s completely broken and needs replacing I suggest you get a Bosch as they clean really well.



  51. ben says:

    A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

    “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

    She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water can get them.”

    He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.

    It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

    When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here, Soap! Here, Water! Leftovers!”