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things you will never hear me say *

things you will never hear me say *

June 30, 2006

1. “I love exercising. Honestly, I can’t exercise enough.”

2. “These jeans make my ass look WAY too small.”

3. “I don’t think my children play enough baseball.”

4. “I wish my daughter would talk more. and screech more. and have more tantrums. Especially in the car.”

5. “My house is too clean. It is lacking that lived-in feel.”

6. “I have an even better idea…Let’s get two dogs… and a cat! Hell, let’s move to a farm.”

7. “I love spending all afternoon preparing delicious nutritous food for my children, even if they don’t appreciate it.”

8. “I love getting my period. I wish it came more often.”

9. “I love doing messy crafts with my children indoors. It doesn’t bother me AT ALL when they splash paint, glue or glitter all over the house. They are just expressing themselves.”

10. “I wish I could find a pair of denim overalls with Winnie the Pooh embroidered on the front pocket for myself.”

11. All the shorts that they are selling now in the stores are WAY too long and matronly.

12. “I am completely caught up on laundry.”

13. “There is nothing I love more than spending time in the car with my children, except grocery shopping with them. I think I might love that more.”

14. “I have too many shoes.”

15. “I have a great idea… Let’s go to Toys R Us. I don’t think you kids have enough toys!”

16. “Would you kids just run around and shout more, for crying out loud! I am so sick and tired of you guys just sitting there, quietly playing games and singing hymns together.”

feel free to add your own in the comments

* I completely stole this idea from my friend stacy, the rockin’ photographer who took the photo of the shoe that became my banner. But I didn’t steal the photo, she let me use it because she is also nice like that.

Posted by Chris @ 7:06 pm  

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Comments

  1. onetallmomma says:

    I sat here reading your list nodding to myself:
    ah ha, yup, yup, agree, oh yeah!

    That was too funny.

  2. Heather says:

    No honey - really I don’t need to check my email today! You can play on Playhouse Disney ALL DAY. And I will fix the screen EVERY TIME you close the window - really!

    SIGH — why did I move my ‘puter upstairs again??

  3. Cheryl says:

    Why don’t you just leave your bedroom messy - please don’t clean it up - i love your stuff dragging - especially your clean clothes on the floor. My all time favorite…..please just leave your dirty dishes on the table or counter - don’t load them in the dishwasher….and to my almost 16 year old - i like when you use foul language in my house - please use those wonderful words everyday….tell me… when does school start?????????? ;)

  4. Jamie says:

    Oh…fun! ;)

    I love it when my 4-year-old throws a temper tantrum. She’s just expressing her individuality and her spunk. It’s so invigorating! Especially when she does it in public!

    I love my saggy boobs…they are like two medals that serve as reminders of the wonderful months I spent breastfeeding.

    I hate those pre-packaged mini pancakes that my girls love so much for breakfast. They are way too convenient and easy to heat up in the microwave!

  5. Danielle says:

    I love Barney. We should watch it ALL day long.

    Please have another cold. I love when you have a cough, fever, chickenpox, insert other midly annoying sickness for over three weeks. I love to give you medicine.

    I wish that I could fly with my children all of the time. They sleep the whole time and never cry for four hours.

  6. But Momma says:

    Oh what the heck, why don’t ya’ll all just sleep in my bed tonight, I’ll sleep in the middle.

    NO, no, no, you don’t have to leave a comment, I like looking on my site-meter everyday to see if you came by.

    Would ya’ll please quit shutting that backdoor when you go out, it’s gettin too cold in here!

  7. Trena says:

    “No really honey–I LOVE asking you to do the same thing six times before it actually happens. I really enjoy hearing myself talk!”

    “Have I mentioned how grateful I am for the opportunity to pick your wet sweaty gym clothes out of the hamper and carry them down to the laundry?”

    “Honey, it is just SO sexy when you’re in the bathroom and you call me to come on in and look at something”

  8. kathy says:

    Oh, Trena, I’m sorry to say, we’ve married twins. I was SO hoping he was the only mutant out there. :)

  9. My Full Hands says:

    “Oh, what wonderful artwork! I’ve always wanted a booger sculpture on the wall!”

  10. Jen3 @ Amazing Triplets says:

    It makes me happy when I’m changing a really big poopie diaper, and my babies reach their little hands around and grab their bum.

    Better yet, when the dog goes poop in the yard, and in the millisecond it takes between the poop being deposited and me picking it up … all three of my babies run over and goo it in their hands. I LOVE THAT.

    I love when that same dog - after taking a big poop, turns around and EATS IT. What I really hate is that she only does this when she’s in the yard alone, and not being chased by three babies that would love nothing more than to pick up her poop and goo it in their hands.

    No sh*t … and I’ve dealt with all THREE of these things. Today.

  11. peepnroosmom says:

    First of all, Jen3, you are hilarious!
    With the baby-”Please put more stuff in your mouth so I can dig it out and you can bite me harder if you want to.”
    With the 6 year old-”it’s OK to eat cheese for every meal, I don’t think you get enough.”
    With the 11 year old-”I love the way you have decorated your room and your bathroom with every article of clothing you own! Clean and dirty!”
    With the 13 year old-”Please have another yelling, crying fit at the pool because somebody splashed your hair. I don’t think enough of the neighbors heard you.”

  12. Kim in MI says:

    Hey, I could’ve written nearly the same list, except for #14 and #16 (which I shout, sarcastically, horrifyingly often)

  13. Jen says:

    My life is sooooo perfect, I have nothing to complain about.

  14. Lauren says:

    No, please, PLEASE ask me ONE more time for a snack! Yes, I love that. OOOHHH add the jumping up and down AND the whining. Yes, perfect. Love that!

  15. Kristen says:

    No, no, no, Buddy. Don’t use your words to tell me what you want. I like your whining so much better.

    Baby, I hope you NEVER get off my lap. I love it when you plaster yourself to my chest and try to kick the laptop off my legs. I would MUCH RATHER snuggle you for 24 hours a day than get anything done.

    There is just not enough dog hair in this house. Could someone please brush the dog so we can have the nice feel of fur between our toes as we walk through the living room?

  16. Jurgen Nation says:

    “10. “I wish I could find a pair of denim overalls with Winnie the Pooh embroidered on the front pocket for myself.””

    This is why I love you.

    I have another one that isn’t even on my list because it is only just now coming up:

    “I love being a bridesmaid! It’s so fun to spend quality time with all the other girls, happily and efficiently planning for the bride.” Watch for a post on this because I am enraged.

  17. april says:

    Please don’t ever be potty trained. I love changing your smelly butt and the dog and racoons loves eating your diapers so much.

    I hope you wake up tonight, so I can come get you to sleep on top of me.

    Yes, you can all make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the living room.

  18. Morgan says:

    Hilarious! 10, 11, and 16 are my personal favorites!

  19. Wendy says:

    I *loved* #10! It cracks me up when I see adults wearing Disney clothes. I really think it says something about people brave enough to do that. ;-)

  20. Fold My Laundry Please says:

    Don’t worry about closing the refrigerator door. Not all of the food in there needs to be kept cold.

    Please poop on the carpet or spill your drink on it. I don’t get enough chances to run the steam cleaner each day.

    I don’t mind at all if you throw up in my lap at the movie theater. (This happened just last night!)

  21. Ashley says:

    Let’s all go to a sit down restaruant together where we are supposed to be quiet and polite.

    Everytime I make that mistake, about 10 minutes in, I ask myself “What the hell was I thinking?” I spend the entire meal taking knives, sugar packets, straws, and ice cubes way from people while threatening them with their lives!

  22. Lilorfnannie says:

    Oh yes dear, I apologize for snapping at you, after you suggested we get some cleaning done on this long weekend, when you had just gotten out of bed at 12:30 in the afternoon, and I had been cleaning/cooking/tending kids since 9 am, and just before you decided to take only one of the kids on a fun outing for the afternoon- Yes, I apologize for snapping at you!

  23. Lilorfnannie says:

    **Knowing, of course, that “we” getting some cleaning done, means “me”, as in, “mama”, by myself. And if His Nibs decides to help, he directs children in the redepositing of piles elsewhere in the house for me to sort out and clean later, all the while making snide remarks about how these kids need to be taught to clean regularly, and that it really is a simple matter to have them help clean, after all.

  24. Lilorfnannie says:

    “I’m SO looking forward to spending this long weekend with you”

  25. cassie-b says:

    I hope you have a great weekend. And a terrific 4th.

    Cas

  26. Yet another Jennifer says:

    I just love it when you spit out everything you’ve stashed in your cheeks because you don’t like something about the last bite of food!

    I don’t know why I like the towels folded like my mom taught me, but I do love the fact that you comment about it every time you see me folding towels!

  27. jean says:

    How about the old (right after watching my 2 sons play): Hey I got an idea lets drive to somefar away town so we can scout the team we are going to play next!!! sounds like fun boys (don’t worry I don’t have to say it they will and I’ll get voted down)

    jean

  28. debby says:

    to my teenagers:

    please leave a trail of dirty dishes wherever you go. i worry about your nutrition and this way i can see what you’ve eaten.

  29. Stephanie in AR says:

    Please, Please, Please tell me everytime your brother/sister breathes because you are so right that they are doing it ON PURPOSE and YES! they need to stop RIGHT NOW!!!

    Hey that was great! wonderful! the bestest, loudest one ever and even better you got some on your sister–why don’t you eat some beenie-weenies–its even better from the other end!

  30. JustLinda says:

    I was nodding most of the way down your list. Until I got to the shoes one. I DO have too many shoes. Most of them will never be worn outside the bedroom, and even there will probably never touch the floor (he will NOT stop buying them!!!) but still…. I have a damn closet full of stupid slut shoes. Go figure…

  31. Yet another Jennifer says:

    No, your toy isn’t broken. Let me get you some more batteries!

  32. sarah says:

    I love that you love water, baby. I love that every day you find your siblings water bottles and pour water all over the beds, the floor, the couches. I know you are trying to help with the cleaning, and I also just love playing the game of throw everything you can get your hands on (TV remote, balls, food, kitchen utensils) out of the cat door for me to go and find in the pouring rain. No - continue - I’m loving it!

  33. Maddy says:

    Oh yeah more junk email.

  34. Jaybird says:

    “No….don’t worry about the RSVP. It makes it soooo much more exciting when I can just GUESS how much food to make!”

  35. Suburban Turmoil says:

    Ha ha! I’m totally getting you a pair of overalls with Winnie the Pooh on the front pocket!

  36. sandra says:

    This was hilarious, and the comments are too!

    “No, don’t talk in a clear understandable voice — I like it much better when you whine and stretch each word out to ten seconds long. It’s like music!”

    I actually DO say my butt looks too small, which believe you me, freaks me out. But it’s all for the same reasons. When I’m fat I get hippy and assy, for sure, but when I lose some weight but don’t exercise, my ass gets FLAT, which is way less attractive than when I at least have some muscles that can make it jut out. I may be pot-bellied for life but I’ve always liked my ass, and seeing it flattened is disheartening.

  37. Beth says:

    Oh Honey, the dishwasher is supposed to remain empty. I just love the way you stack the dirty dishes in such neat and tidy piles in the sink!

  38. Jenna says:

    “I love when my Husband gets a fire call in the middle of the night. I have no trouble going to sleep. I don’t worry about him burning in that fire! I don’t sit and listen to the scanner.”

    “I love work.”

    ;) Clicked over from BlogHer!

  39. Mary Tsao says:

    How about…

    “Shhh… Don’t wake daddy up when he’s napping on the couch. He works hard around here and deserves a three hour nap. Let’s go walk around the block until he feels like getting up and lets us know it’s okay to come back in the house.”

    Happy 4th!

  40. sarah says:

    having a colicky baby ROCKS…

  41. Pastormac's Ann says:

    LOL! This is just too funny and also just too true!

    Here go.

    Oh, yes, please come in the bathroom while I’m trying to go. I need company in order to do my business. And do leave the door open when you finally leave. I love it that everyone walking by knows exactly where I am and what I’m doing.

    Please change clothes again - there’s never enough laundry to do and I love doing laundry. So while you’re at it, throw some clean clothes in there too.

    To my 4 year old - please rough-house and wrestlle with your brother (who’s 6 1/2). It’s just great when someone gets an actual injury and a real fist-fight breaks out.

    To my two girls: No, I really didn’t want the dishwasher emptied. I just like to talk to hear myself talking. Afterall, it’s just too quiet and peaceful around here.

    I could go on and on, but i should stop here.

  42. Rebecca says:

    “Why don’t we ask your mom to move in, honey? I don’t think I’m critical enough of myself on my own.”

  43. Cheryl says:

    after Rebecca’s comment I just can’t resist -
    to my MIL - I just LOVE when you come visit and comment on my increasing amount of gray hair and I really LOVE when you’re on your way-out-the-door and you comment how dirty the mirror (which yes, I do remember you gave to me) is and how to go about cleaning it. Please, please come visit more often….;)

  44. Leesha says:

    How about:
    “No, of course I don’t mind getting out of bed at 3.30am in order to drive you to the airport on a cold Auckland morning. it is not a problem in the world.”

  45. bernadette says:

    My Madeleine (7) told me today that she hopes to have 100 children. I don’t think she was being sarcastic though! ;~)

    Regarding #1: You would love exercising if you practiced yoga.

  46. Motherhood Uncensored says:

    You had me laughing hard at #1 - so imagine me (or maybe, not so much - it’s not pretty) by the end. I think I may have to do this one.

  47. Izzy says:

    “My house is too clean. It is lacking that lived-in feel.”

    This one strikes a chord. Well, really…they all do. But the clean house thing…it’s an exercise in futility and I HATE exercise of all kinds (see #1)

  48. Krisco says:

    No, honey, you don’t have to help pick up! That IS what I’m here for. You go ahead and dump out all your dirty clothes to find that one skirt, empty the entire crate of stuffed animals in case your shoe is in there, and leave all your crayons on the floor. It will be FUN for me to pick it all up!

  49. Caren says:

    Please, please, please wet the bed again. I adore washing your sheets and re-making your bunk bed every. single. day.

    Honey, I love it when you call me from work and ask me to have dinner ready so we can eat as soon as you get home and then come home an hour late without calling and tell me that you aren’t even hungry.

  50. steph says:

    I, um, *do* say some of these things.

    but won’t ever say:
    –sure, it’s okay to eat your boogers. Everybody does it anyway and it’s not like it’s nose poop. I’m sure some study will come out proving that it’s actually good for you.

    –I love it when you scratch your bottom and then wipe your fingers on your clothes. or the carpet. or the cat.

  51. Jess says:

    LOL I did this list too. My all time fav is

    1. I don’t think I could ever eat chocolate again.

  52. leatitia says:

    Thank you sO much for letting your dirty socks on the bathroom floor. To hear rocks falling from your socks, all over the floor on my way to the laundry room, is music to my ears.

  53. Gail Martin says:

    We need another cat. Three or four are not nearly enough. I will gladly clean their litter pans every day. My allergies will go away with enough exposure to cat dander.

  54. judi casey says:

    I really hope the PTA will find just one more job for me-I just don’t know what to do with all my extra time.

  55. Y says:

    Can you please roll your eyes at me one more time? PLEASE? I feel all special and respected when you do that.

  56. MamatoBrownheads says:

    Please, please, my sons-be more goofy. Making butt noises and dancing that could really get you on TV.

  57. Sonia (DDM) says:

    “Make that Orca Whale Mating Call noise more often, my dear son. I enjoy the bleeding eardrums immensely!”

  58. Lisa says:

    ROFL!!

  59. Lisa M. says:

    Here goes! (I know this is an old postk but I wanted to add something anyway! Makes me feel like part of the “group”!)

    “Oh, I’d LOVE to get you a snack! After all, it’s been a WHOLE 15 minutes since we had breakfast/lunch/dinner and you must be famished!”

    “Oh, if only you could whine LOUDER when I ask you to pick up your toys! It sounds so pretty!”

    “Please, run around the house a little harder! You only sound like a small herd of elephants instead of the HUGE herd that I KNOW you can sound like!”

  60. Paula says:

    How about..
    My kids keep the van so clean that it looks brand new!

    or…

    Please play “The Entertainer”, or “Fur Elise” or “Star Wars” on the piano AGAIN–we haven’t heard it enough times today!