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did you feel that?

did you feel that?

July 10, 2006

yesterday the earth tipped a bit off of it’s axis.
and hell froze over.

And how do I know this? I wore a pair of shorts OUT IN PUBLIC.

I know. I am ready to star in a Moms Gone Wild video.

“Chris,” you ask, “what do you mean? Doesn’t everyone wear shorts?”

Well, yes they probably do. But then again they are probably all sane and I clearly have issues. Also the thought of subjecting others to the sight of my white jiggly thighs is too much for me to bear. So really I don’t wear shorts for the sake of everyone else. You’re welcome for your intact retinas.

The public wearing of the shorts was not intentional. I had gotten dressed in the morning and fully intended on taking off my shorts and putting on a cute skirt before I left the house. But, what with all the sandwich making, cooler packing, baseball crap gathering, I forgot.

I was driving and about ten minutes away from my house when I noticed. I thought about turning around and going home to change, but 1) then we would have been late and my eldest son would rather die a painful death than be late to anything, and 2) I’m not sure I want my children to realize the full extent of all my neurosis just yet. And so I drove on in spite of not being able to breathe and having heart palpitations.

But I didn’t drop dead. And strangely, no one seemed the least bit shocked that I have thighs, white white thighs. Unless they were all just afraid to look directly into the glare.

Posted by Chris @ 9:28 am  

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Comments

  1. Cheryl says:

    Yikes….is that what the shaking earth was all about??? Glad you lived thru it. I bet my white white thighs are whiter than yours, as mine haven’t seen the light of day in years - and now that the broken veins have appeared on the side of each knee they won’t be seeing the light of day ever again…..thank goodness for capris. :)

  2. Jennifer says:

    I never wear shorts either. Same reason. It’s not neurosis. It’s a conscious fashion choice.

  3. moe says:

    I have known my mother in law for 12 years. In all that time, I have never seen her in anything but a dress or skirt. Even when stripping wallpaper. She sais she wears pants to work out at Curves but, I have never seen her. I’m almost tempted to stake out her house early in the morning just catch a glimpse

  4. Caya says:

    Moe, doubtless you won’t catch her in pants- there are some of us with religious convictions against such things. Myself, I don’t even wear pants to exercise, or at home, in private even. The only exception is sweats under a long skirt, when it’s really really cold out, and to me that’s just like wearing glorified tights with the feets cut off. Just warm underthings. No i’m not so much of a freak, I know many many many just like me, there are tens of thousands in this country alone, we’re called conservative Apostolics/Pentecostals (& some Baptists like that too). :-) But my thighs have got to be whiter than most anybody’s, they haven’t seen sunshine in over a decade- Chris, you’re a sweetheart, I think you’re a dear :-)

  5. Meg says:

    Girl, I NEVER wear shorts. I think if I did, you might hear a small cosmic bang from Kentucky as a corner of the universe implodes from the sheer white, mottled-y-ness of all that exposed flesh.

  6. Darren says:

    Not wanting to be late for anything is a quality you want to nurture in a kid.

    Crap. Why did I have to go and sound all know it all? I just don’t like being late for anything, that’s all.

  7. ben says:

    You pass out enough margaritas and wine coolers, and people will forgive just about anything.

    Take it from me, I know.

  8. Kathleen says:

    I understand exactly what you were going through. I have lily white Irish skin. In fact, it is so white it has a blue tinge with ripples, kind of like the ocean or a lake.

    I wear skirts or capri’s but never shorts and like you I have made the mistake of finding myself driving to town wearing shorts. Unlike you I was not brave enough to get out of the car and my kids are old enough now to know all my neurosis so they just wrote it off as one of mom’s eccentric tiffs.

  9. Lara Gallagher says:

    I remember back when I thought I would be wearing shorts forever. That ended all too quickly but I’m glad all of us here have some sense. There are way too many people out there who don’t and it IS painful to look at them.

    For those people: Just because it’s legal for you to dress like that, doesn’t mean I want to look at your stomach fat squished between your too low pants and too tight shirt. Please! When is this trend going to end! And enough with the boys and their underwear hanging out too. Wasn’t that the thing about 15 forever years ago? I thought trends came and went faster than that.

  10. Danielle says:

    I’m glad that you didn’t die from the glare. I also have extremely white legs. It’s not going well with the move to Florida. I think that people know that I’m new here not because of my Washington licence plates but because of the color of my skin.

  11. Mir says:

    And here I thought people were shielding their eyes when I approached just because of my stunning beauty. Huh.

  12. jm says:

    Shorts?!!!??! Nope. Not me either. Skorts? Oh yes. Skirts. Slacks. Even overalls. Even overall shorts. But the combination of the nipped in waist, mile wide hips and white jiggly thighs is a fashion no-no for me.

  13. jm says:

    Oops! I forgot to add that I salute you, comrade.

  14. co says:

    From one blindingly white-skinned person to another, may I suggest:
    Jurgen’s tanning lotion for fair skin. It doesn’t really make me tan, just gets me to the point where I’m not reflective in the sun after a couple applications.

    Cargo or other shorts that come all the way down to your knees are in style now. Boys sizes might fit you if you’re as little as you look in the few pics of yourself you’ve posted before.

  15. Lilly says:

    But what do you wear at the beach? I know that they don’t make capri length bathing suits because if they did I’d own that kind of suit. I thought I’d be mortified at the beach this year because I’ve gained weight but what I’ve found out is that NOONE seems to be looking at me. I’ve become invisible which is actually okay by me.

  16. Sandie says:

    Wow, I’ve seen pictures of you that make me think you’d look pretty darn good in a pair of shorts. Even with the white, white thighs ;-)

  17. Jenny says:

    Were they the Posh Spice super-tiny daisy dukes with stilleto heels? If not I think you’re still under the radar. :)

  18. Miss Peach says:

    I just rediscovered shorts this past week. I can’t say I’ll be wearing them a TON from here out, but I think I may have kicked my phobia of them as well. I’m considering buying some more, that aren’t five years old and seriously unflattering…

  19. Mr. Incredulous says:

    I discovered this blog through Plastic Obsession, and have enjoyed it very much. I’m so sorry to hear about your pasty white legs, but it could be worse! Looking forward to reading more….

  20. Paula says:

    Funny, my oldest feels the same way about being late. Not that it stops me!

  21. Damselfly says:

    Tan legs are overrated.

  22. Cmommy says:

    My 5 yr-old said, “Mom, WHAT are you wearing? Oh, your legs are ugly!!” when I wore shorts for the first time this summer. Yikes. The child has zero tact–is Kindergarten ready for him?!

    BTW, I don’t believe you. I bet you have to-die-for legs! C

  23. Heather says:

    OMG I dont even remember when any part of my leg, above my calf has been exposed to the general public. In that same situation, I would have NEEDED to turn the car around and change. My deep breathing and heart palpitions that would have been visibly noticable would have scared the life out of my children, along with profuse sweating, eye tics, talking louder than needed and facial twitches. Yeah, they would have asked me to turn the car around, and wouldnt have been happy to be late. ;)

  24. Jamie says:

    We went to the pool Sunday. I wondered why everyone suddenly averted their eyes. It was either the sheer blinding whiteness of my legs or my spider veins. Now that’s a fun topic. :)

  25. pamela says:

    My hubby rushed into the house this evening and said let’s go for a walk.. it’s cooled down we were about 4 blocks down the road when I realized I was in my pajama’s……………………………my holiest pair, and that ain’t being spiritual.

  26. judi casey says:

    wow, i didn’t know i was pushing the insidious liberal agenda every time i wore shorts. i will have to wear them more often!
    i think the aging process has liberated me- i don’t give a @*!* what anyone thinks about my legs- if it is hot- i am going to be comfortable and wear shorts.

  27. cassie-b says:

    I only wear shorts when people tease me about wearing long pants to the beach or the pool. Basically, I’m a very cold natured person, and I prefer my legs and arms be covered in case it gets chilly. (this is a habit of a lifetime)

  28. cowmomba says:

    Gosh! I thought the earth-tipping was on MY account. I, too wore shorts. Then when we arrived at the lake- I stripped down to my old-lady one piece skirted swimsuit.

    DH made the comment “we” need to lose weight and get more tan before someone called Greenpeace about the beached white whales.

    I told his smart mouth I am perfectly happy with my size. Not one person so much as glanced at me. And now my legs are no longer white… more of a hot pink. Bet they would attract more attention if I wore shorts now!

  29. Susan says:

    OMG, I am LMAO! I’m totally the same way. I figure I should be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for being so good-hearted as to spare the entire world the sight of my thighs. Even when it’s 110 outside and I’m the verge of heat stroke.

    Reminds me of 20 years ago when I met my first serious boyfriend at a party one night, in the summertime. I couldn’t believe a guy would make out with me *while I was wearing shorts*. I think I questioned his eyesight at one point during the make-out session, even.

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