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a pain in my ass, literally

a pain in my ass, literally

July 19, 2006

A few days ago I was sitting outside in the backyard when I felt a prick on my butt cheek. And it hurt. So I jumped up and screamed, “ouch, my ass.” It felt like a bug of some sort bit me. But I didn’t see any bug. And not wanting to strip naked in my yard, I let it go.

But, later on in the evening it still hurt. I tried to contort my body and catch a glimpse of my own rear end, but it wasn’t working. So I stood up on my bed to look in the mirror over my bureau, but nothing seemed amiss. Granted, I had to stand about 10 ft away from the mirror and bounce on my mattress to get a look.

Fast forward to last night. It still hurts. So I jumped up on my bed to have a look at my ass and there is the strangest looking bruise I have ever seen. So strange, in fact, that I had to wake my husband up from a sound sleep and demand that he look at my ass right that minute. No, the bouncing on the bed and bright lights do not hamper his ability to sleep soundly. Neither do crying babies,alarm clocks, or screams of terror for that matter.

I wish that I could show you all the bruise, but that would require me to show you my backside, and well this isn’t that sort of blog. Also, I don’t want to scare you. So you will just have to trust me and be content with the knowledge that I have a weird bruise on my ass.

And why you would even care, I have no idea. But this is the internet where people like me feel compelled to share minute details of our lives, and people like you (and me) read the minute details of the lives of strangers.

Like what I had for dinner last night at 9:00 pm when we got home from hell on earth, a.k.a a baseball game in 100 degree heat where I was forced to sit with my two youngest children while they rolled around in the dust and it stuck to their sweaty bodies. (cold leftover pasta salad eaten with a fork out of the serving bowl)

or that I went to the beach yesterday with stubbly legs and a bikini line that needed attention and tried to convince myself that I was making a statement, I am a woman and therefore have pubic hair, deal with it. But really I think the statement it made was, I am lazy.

Or the fact that I have bought business cards, thereby achieving total dorkitude.

Posted by Chris @ 5:25 am  

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  1. Jill says:

    I don’t want to scare you, but are you sure it’s not a brown recluse spider bite? My husband had one and it turned into a purple painful area. If you don’t get meds it will eat away your skin. Get it checked out if you’re not sure. Sorry you have a pain in the ass… I have two, they are 3yrs and 6 months!

  2. Lucie says:

    My Dear Hubby can sleep thru a bomb going off. When the boys (now 19 and 18) were little and sick I remember being up every 2 minutes and at one point drop kicking hubby’s foot when I came back into the room because he was snoring so loudly.

    Gotta love men, can’t kill em the bodies are too hard to bury (Maybe why they are bigger than us ummmmmmm)

  3. Heather says:

    I was going to say something like Jill, it could ba a Hobo spider too. Look up spiders in your area - you should have it looked at if it still hurts.

  4. Chris says:

    Oh great, like I am not enough of a hypochondriac. Now I have to worry that I have some sort of flesh eating spider bite.

    Which wouldn’t be so bad if I could get one on the other butt cheek so that they they could equally be eaten away.

  5. The Lazy Organizer says:

    Do these buisness cards have your blog address on them so you can hand them out to people who make you mad? “Just wait till I blog about this!” you can tell them.

  6. Turtle says:

    When I was a small child, I had a shot for some thing that I don’t recall. Well, the shot caused the fat cells in the vicinity of the shot, to more or less dissolve. So, for a week or so, I had a crater in one butt cheek. I didn’t tell my parents - they weren’t the sort you told anything to. But, I’ve spent my life wondering if whatever I was shot with couldn’t have held the secret to big butt dissolving and therefore be the most highly sought after drug in the universe. Alas, I’ll never know for sure… but you reminded me of this.

  7. carrien says:

    It sounded like a brown recluse to me too. You really should go and get it checked out, esp if the area around the bruise is red in color. Their is a bacteria in their bites that breaks down tissues. MY FIL has a permanent crater in his leg from a bite that went unattended too long. They don’t go away by themselves, they just get worse.

  8. madjoyfish says:

    Hi, I went to google, though I am sure you already have, and found this for brown recluse spider bite: http://www.spiderzrule.com/reclusebiteleg.htm

    Hope that your pain in the ass goes away and that it cools down where you are,


  9. Nicki says:

    I unintentionally solved the husband not waking up problem. I stopped waking up when my son cried, apparently if you get exhuasted enough you will dream you are soothing the child when your really still in bed. My husband observed my patting my shoulder where a baby would lay and muttering “it’s ok, it’s ok” in my sleep, over and over again. Then I after my daughter was born, I started elbowing him in his sleep when they cried. Now I sleep through the crying and he can’t.

    Hey better sleep through…let’s just say spousal misuse!!!

  10. TC says:

    Like the others have said, it sounds to me like you should get that bite checked out.

    My dh can sleep through anything too.

  11. jody says:

    The venom of the brown recluse causes tissue necrosis. The bite will look like a bullseye, with a whitish area of hypoxic tissue in the center. This center area almost looks like the beginnings of an absess, but it opens up into a lesion and spreads.

    The areas around the lesion will get hemolytic.

    In another life, I did research with brown recluse spider bites and their treatment. We used Dapsone and hyperbaric oxygen. I actually had to raise the spiders, extract their venom, purify it and inject it into rabbits…then try to cure them.

    Can’t find our published study online, but here is one: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/405814_print

  12. Jen says:

    I was bit by a brown recluse as a child, and was given Dapsone to take care of it. My mom had waited three days to take me in (thinking it was just an allergic reaction since I had allergic reactions to everything), so it was in bad shape by the time we got to the ER. I was pretty sick and it took several days for the nasty brown/black/blue area to start clearing up. And it hurt. Twenty years later, I can still see the scar on the back of my leg!

  13. ben says:

    I was going to tell you to NOT google ‘brown recluse spider bite’ but I see others have already helped you out.

    Better to live in De Nile, I say.

    Also? My wife read a case where a man was bit, um, not quite on the ass. Where it hurts. And? He lost the boys, if you know what I mean. (I know, this isn’t that kind of blog)

  14. Mir says:

    If it’s not gone by next week, can I see it? On the plane? :D

  15. Beth says:

    Dunno about the brown recluse, but I was totally thinking “spider bite” as I read your post. My sister had a nasty spider bite on her arm that looked swollen and bruiselike before she got antibiotics or something for it. Add my vote to the “have it checked” column.

  16. Lesli says:

    I had two such bites this summer (swollen, bruised, “bullseye” look to them), same time, I assume the same “biter”, and since they got better (slowly, minutely, but didn’t get worse) combined with the fact that I’m the queen of “de nile”, I did nothing, and they’re totally gone after about a month.

  17. Caya says:

    As far as I know, neither Brown Recluse nor Hobo spiders live in New England but Wolf spiders do. Generally they leave you alone if you leave them alone, but if trapped, they can bite. Their bite is painful but isn’t otherwise dangerous.

  18. debbie says:

    Will these bugs eat hips too? Cool, where do I sign up??

  19. Jessica S. says:

    I am of the “De Nile” mindset, too. LOL

    I understand about the dead-to-the-world-when-sleeping hubby. When my young’un came into our room last night, I spent 15 minutes just trying to get him to roll over and stop snoring so that I could get back to sleep! UGH!

  20. Caren says:

    Okay, am I the only one who was eating lunch when I clicked on the link from Madjoyfish? EWWW!!!! (It doesn’t help that I’m eating tomato basil soup…)

  21. Caren says:

    Could this spider be related to the spider that Mir recently killed on her front porch?? Revenge of the spiders!!!!!

  22. Darren says:

    Oh, between your bruised ass and your unruly pubic hair, you are going to get some GREAT search engine referrals on this one!

  23. ben says:

    Oh, also don’t watch “Most extreme” on Animal Planet when they do the Top 10 Extreme Spiders.

    And don’t look at the news at all this week, the world is kinda going downhill at the moment.

    I think I’ll just have another of these fruity things with the umbrella. It’s almost time to flip over (don’t want a wonky suntan)

  24. KLC says:

    My money is on a snake bite - a vicious little snake with an attitude about being smushed under someone’s glutteous maximus area.

  25. mmc says:

    I vote brown recluse, too.

  26. Terri says:

    Yes, the question “Really? You were up with the baby last night???” is always wonderful to hear after nanoseconds of sleep. Men. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t give them partial sex-changes when it’s convenient.

  27. Susan says:

    We’re all anxiously awaiting your post tomorrow, talking about today’s trip to the doctor’s office. *HINT HINT* ;-)

  28. Michele says:

    Okay, there should be a warning with that link from MadJoyFish. Disgusting! I feel sick to my stomach now…..

  29. halloweenlover says:

    Chris, I would totally look at your ass if I lived nearby. I’d diagnose you too, because I’m a good friend like that.

  30. liz says:

    I vote a visit to the doctor too. But I vote against it being a brown recluse.

  31. Susan says:

    Am I the only one wondering how the whateveritwas GOT to your ass?

  32. Stephanie says:

    Ok, so the business cards…..it only makes you the queen of TOTAL dorkdom, if you printed them yourself, on your own home printer!!
    Cannot wait to hear what happens to your butt!

  33. Danielle says:

    I’m jelous that I won’t get to see your butt on the airplane!!!

  34. Danielle says:

    Um…that last comment was meant in a totally non-sexual and totally dark fasination way. Just wanted to clafify that one.

  35. peepnroosmom says:

    I hope your butt gets better. Everybody thinks madjoyfish’s link was gross, but my kids have looked at it over and over and over today. 11 yr old even called one of his friends over to look at it. Thanks for the entertainment!
    Oh and I have business cards, too, and I don’t even work that much. I acutally gave one out tonight to one of 11 yr old’s friend’s moms. I guess that makes me dorky, too. Not that I am calling you a dork or anything!

  36. Pieces says:

    Thank God I didn’t look at that link. I have the screamin’ heebie jeebies just reading these comments. My leg itches. No my hair itches. Now my ankle. Aaaaaaah!!!! My whole body itches!!

    Hope your butt feels better soon.

  37. InterstellarLass says:

    We had to get a king size bed so that hubs could ignore my turning-over in bed.

    You feel lazy? I put on my swim suit, thought I should shave, then grabbed the tie-on skirt and adjusted it so the skirt was over my crotch, thereby hiding any peek-a-boos.

  38. Heather says:

    Here goes another spider bite comment! My friend was bit by a brown recluse and it bruised. Then (not to scare you) it turned into flesh eating bacteria. I vote on a doctor visit too, if it doesnt improve. Good luck!

  39. Maddy says:

    Could it be a Bull Ant bite? I’m not sure if you have them in your part of the world, but here in Australia they are BIG ants with giant nippers and they give a bite that makes you yelp and jump, you’d have a nasty bruise from one of them too.

  40. Karly says:

    That link…that bite…that awful picture!! That’s where I live!!! Nooooooooo! Why! Why did I read everyone saying the link was a bad bad thing…and then go click it?

  41. Cathy says:

    Dear Chris, Are you scared yet by these comments? I am! I think I’ll stay inside for the next few days. And, I’ve never seen so many comments on a blog about someone getting bitten in the ass, until now.

  42. the womom says:

    “I’ve never seen so many comments on a blog about someone getting bitten in the ass, until now.”

    the internet rocks.

    I’m sorry to hear about your butt bite.

  43. Salsa Queen says:

    Been reading for a while now Chris. Found you from Life at 45 degrees. Don’t have kids, but yours and YOU make me laugh! This post finally brings me out of lurkdom. First…get thee to a Doctor! Your butt bite does not sound good. The story of you showing your dh your bite reminded me of the day my dh fell on the handle of a pallet jack. You know, those things that move freight around grocery stores? He came home from work, took off all his clothes, spread his butt cheeks and says in all seriousness, “Honey, is my @ss bruised?!” Once I quit laughing………

  44. Maliavale says:

    In an ill-advised move, due to too many Diet Coke and Stoli Vanils, I gave my current boy my business card when we met. The next day, I died of dorkiness upon remembering this fact. (Oh, and that I couldn’t remember my cell phone number and scratched it out three times on the card.) He e-mailed me anyway. Four months later, we are still together.


  45. Kathleen Marie says:

    Ha! Another busy Mom, a busy woman, a woman with a life - aka - not enough time to shave. We have a lot in common - maybe I said this already.

    Also, yes, get your bite-sting-bruise checked out. I got stung by a wasp once and it did leave a bruise and bothered me for more than a month!

  46. Nan says:

    You could think of your business cards as Calling Cards if you feel that Business is a bit too too.