Warning: session_start() [function.session-start]: Cannot send session cookie - headers already sent by (output started at /home/chris/public_html/wp-includes/version.php:10) in /home/chris/public_html/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/wordpress-automatic-upgrade.php on line 119

Warning: session_start() [function.session-start]: Cannot send session cache limiter - headers already sent (output started at /home/chris/public_html/wp-includes/version.php:10) in /home/chris/public_html/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/wordpress-automatic-upgrade.php on line 119
Just one of my many talents

Just one of my many talents

July 22, 2006

One of the things that I have developed over the years of being a mother is an amazing abilty to ignore things my children are doing. Even when they are right next to me, I am often oblivious. My husband might disagree with the amazingness of this ability, as he often mutters, “But I don’t get what you were doing while this all was going on?”

But this morning I astounded even myself with my, what has to be, God given talent.

I was sitting here at my computer in the breakfast room happily typing away. I heard my son babbling, giggling and stamping his feet next to me. Occassionally he would grab my skirt to steady himself. But he was having fun, why do I want to look at him and potentially spoil his fun by having to become mean mommy.

I saw the carton of rice milk for a brief second out of the corner of my eye as it was shaken and thrown about, but it must be empty. Otherwise it would be in the refrigerator, wouldn’t it? Why yes it would be since I had asked my seven year old to put the cereal and milk away and also wipe off the kicthen table after breakfast.

So I happily type along. Happy that my baby is happy.

I smelled a little something that let me know I should change his diaper. But surely it could wait a couple of minutes while I finished typing my thought. It obviously isn’t bothering him. And my baby he is HAPPY.

After a few more minutes passed I became aware that the smell was getting stronger and my leg felt like it was getting splashed by something. Probably drips flying out of the the what must be empty container of milk.

And then it happened. I looked over at him.

Oh people, nothing… NOTHING could have prepared me for this.

He had taken off his dirty diaper, poured a cointainer of rice milk onto the floor, and was DANCING in it. Dancing in a pool of milk and his own excrement.

And it was at that moment that I knew from where the expression, happy as a pig in shit came.

Time stood still while I came to the realization that I was going to have to touch him. And it would be nearly impossible to avoid getting any of it on myself. But even worse than that was the look on his face.

The look that said, “If you even look like you are going to come after me I am going to take off running through the house, spreading the wonder of my shitty milkiness on every surface I can manage.” I was being challenged by a 19 month old.

If my life had a soundtrack, the music from that Cint Eastwood western movie –you know right before that gun fight*– that music would have started.

As luck would have it, someone had left a bath towel on the breakfast room table, (also a pair of rain boots, two mismatched sandals, and a tupperware lid , but those things were of no use to me). I quickly grabbed the towel and threw it over him. I then picked him up, the towel an effective barrier between me and the shitty stew. And I carried him while he screamed and flailed like a cat in a pillowcase, possibly because he had for the first time smelled his own stench.

Or maybe because he was afraid I was going to throw him in the river. Which is silly since I’d have to walk really far to get to the river.

But the garden hose. That is not far away at all.

And as an unexpected bonus, the flowers got fertilized. I knew those gardening clogs would do wonders for my gardening abilities.

* yeah, I realize that describes just about every Clint Eastwood movie ever made.

Posted by Chris @ 7:07 am  

RSS feed for comments on this post.

The URI to TrackBack this entry is:
http://www.notesfromthetrenches.com/2006/07/22/just-one-of-my-many-talents/trackback/


Comments

  1. Carmen says:

    OMG. I am so glad I wasn’t talking to you at this time.

    Poop gets me every time.

  2. TC says:

    Minus the milk this is a regretably familiar sight to me. My little princess went through a stage of this everytime she was left alone in her room when she was about 2 years old. Ick and UGH is all I can say.

  3. Heather says:

    I can’t even stop laughing hard enough to type so hang on a sec. K, I’m back but still giggling. Now excuse me while I run the laptop to my husband so he can read this and realize that it’s not just me that thinks this ability to tune out is God’s greatest gift!

  4. Gwen says:

    Holy cow! What a mess! I guess God, having given you that talent, also has a sense of humor. I mean, not that you thought it was funny…

  5. Lucie says:

    My 19 year old just asked why I was laughing so hard-Showed him your blog. Too funny. Did you get pictures?

  6. Nicki says:

    I thought I was the only mom who had really bad escapades with poop. After reading this, I feel lucky. My experiences are nothing compared to yours!!!!

  7. Jennifer says:

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeew! I’ve tuned out a few disasters in my time, but I think you’re the winner….lol! Hope the rest of your weekend gets better. Can’t get much ickier, anyhow, can it?

  8. Heather says:

    OH.MY.GAWD! You are killing me with this one! I laughed so hard, my stomache hurts!

    “The look that said, “If you even look like you are going to come after me I am going to take off running through the house, spreading the wonder of my shitty milkiness on every surface I can manage.” I was being challenged by a 19 month old.”

    HAHAHAHAHA! Been there, been challenged by that! No excuse me while I go blow my nose and wipe off the tears that have streamed down my face.. :)

  9. Pieces says:

    I never seem to have anything to say except “Too funny.” I’m so glad that you make your misfortune MY entertainment.

  10. Thorny says:

    OMG, I am /weeping/!!

    Especially since yesterday, I was all on-the-ball and proactive and got dinner/lunch ready while Hubby got the kids up from naps (don’t even ask). So I’m working on all this when I hear, “Son, your hands are in your diaper. Take your hands out of your diaper…. Oh GOD! Help! HELP! Yes now, I need HELP!”

    I walked in to discover Hubby and Child locked in a struggle over dominion of the crap-encrusted toddler hands.

    The sad, sad, sorry truth is, the child pretty much won that round. I mean, really, once the poop leaves the diaper, the parent has pretty much lost no matter what. ;)

  11. Karen says:

    LOL, been there done that, got the t-shirt. Your post inspired me to dig up an old misc.kids post about ‘one of those days’ from more than 10 years ago.

    Karen

  12. Novaks8 says:

    Poop is fun!

    We need to make shirts for them.

    My now 15 year old son once took his diaper off and painted a masterpiece with the poop all over the wall that his crib was on.

    I walked in and the smell almost knocked me down!
    He sat there grinning a huge grin like he was incredibly proud of himself.

  13. rachel says:

    thanks for the wonderful laugh! I’m so sorry it had to be at your expense, but I really needed it. So glad the baby was happy, that’s all that really matters, right?

    Yeah, I’ve had those days. I’m starting to think poop is easier to clean up than glitter, though.

    my husband’s gone to work for 3 days with glitter on his clothes - it is everywhere, and I can’t find a way to get rid of it.

  14. Jenny says:

    Bwahahahaha! I’d often wondered if other mothers had that “blind eye” talent… I consider it a superpower.

  15. Jessie says:

    Oh man, you and me both. Im taking care of my 2 year old niece right now, and Ive got two others of my own, 1 and 3. Well long story short, she crapped so much runny nasty stuff that it went up, over and out of her diaper, all over her feet and the carpet, I manage to get her stripped in the bathroom, and she dives into the tub before I can wipe her, and my poopy son comes in right after her. Then as Im trying to clean up the puddle they made, they somehow get a light bulb, break it, and cut themselves. It was endless, I wanted to sell them.

  16. Miss Valerie Jean says:

    Oh, the laughing! “….spreading the wonder of my shitty milkiness on every surface I can manage…” I can’t stop laughing. Thank you for making my day funnier with a shit story.

  17. Jeanelle Paige says:

    LOL!! Oh… I too have some poop stories, but this one was great! Got to love that talent of not being able to see them! LOL

  18. Susan says:

    Oh, my! LOL. You’re bringing back memories I worked really hard to suppress. My DD also decorated the walls in her nursery ever so artfully once and DS had a never-ending fascination with the stuff he found in his diaper. Someday, I might find this stuff be funny, but just remembering it right now has firmly planted the smell of poop in my nostrils, so apparently I need to give it some more time before I can reminiscence fondly.

  19. Cheryl says:

    HA HA!!!! Rob is gonna have sooooooo much fun next week!!!! We need for him to blog the day’s events after the kids are tucked in bed. :))))))

  20. Gretchen says:

    Wow, you are having a really bad week! Aren’t you glad you don’t have morning sickness to cap it all off? Right now I can barely wipe butts and change diapers, and that’s when the poop is where it belongs! I hope your 7 yo now knows why it is important to put the milk away after breakfast!

    Ewwwww. LOL

  21. liz says:

    Well, at least you got a fabulous post out of it!

  22. the womom says:

    lol. Gross. I wish I could say nothing like this has ever happened to me.
    I just posted something about how we moms can tune stuff (like their kids) out.

    thanks be to whomever for Clorox wipes.

  23. Jennifer S. says:

    I can’t help but giggle, at least a little, at this post. God has truly blessed me with 3 children that have never had ‘poop escapades’, and I’m hoping that this trend continues…though, I just never know what my youngest might do (he’s almost 23 months and a BIG handful!). My neighbor (with 5 children, 1 set of twin girls now 4 years old) had poop trouble with her girls when they 2. She talks about how awful it was dealing with 2 of them, at the same time, poop all over everything. I just can’t imagine. So, I just say THANK YOU GOD, and PLEASE LET ME NOT EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH POOP IN THIS MANNER! My gag reflex just won’t handle it…

  24. Jess says:

    Oh my Gosh! What a couple of days you’ve had. Poop and Milk and the peeing sweaty mess at the baseball game!

    Are you ok? I worry about your sanity (or what’s left of it). Do you need to lie down? Maybe a nice cold diet coke and a chick flick would do it.

    Hang in there, it’s bound to get better, and if it doesn’t, don’t hesitate to blog about it because I’m just about falling off my chair laughing.

  25. meredith says:

    LOL…I could hear the Eastwood movie music as I read this.

  26. jody says:

    Oh.my.God!

    I may never drink rice milk again.

  27. Chris says:

    Oh people, nothing… NOTHING could have prepared me for this.

    I was almost too scared to read on, but I am glad I did. I needed this laugh today! So sorry about the shitty stew… really I am.

  28. Erin (erin-erin-bo-berin) says:

    Oh Honey! Do you agree with arranged marriages? Your son and my youngest daughter would be a perfect match, I believe!
    You may not have read all my posts regarding my toddler’s fecal fingerpainting, but you’ll understand why I believe so strongly!

  29. Maddy says:

    I know the feeling of horror when you realised you had to *touch* the child. I have had two nasty poopy experiences.
    My first at the tender age of 17 while babysitting my 18mth old niece, she drew all over herself.
    My second was when my own son was 11mths old and playing in the Jolly Jumper. It went something like this: up down poop giggle up down poop giggle up down poop out the back of the nappy and onto the floor, splosh giggle splosh giggle splosh giggle. He was enjoying himself so much, why would I be looking?

  30. Christina says:

    LMAO! Thanks so much for the laughs :)

  31. Danielle says:

    OMG!!! That is just way to funny sitting here. I’m sure I wouldn’t be laughing so hard had I been the one.

    I had a similar poop experience today. Baby girl, also 19 months, was eating Cheerios. I look over and wonder why one of the cheerios was so brown. Maybe it had been cooked to long at the factory? I’ve never seen this but it could happen. On closer examination she had been diaper diving and that wasn’t cheerios on her hand.

    I’m going to believe that she didn’t eat any of her home made cheerios. I didn’t see it happen so it must be true.

    What is it about this age?

  32. Amah says:

    I’ve had all sorts of “poopy” things happen over the years. One FS that I had would poop up the back of his diaper EVERY time he ate (while eating). That was a tame one - but even after 30 years of raising kids (my 2 and 35+ foster) I’ve never grown the ability to “tune them out”. I always wish I could by it somewhere. BUT: My grown DD can tune out to the extent of “I’m going to do something scary if you don’t make them stop” when I’m visiting (and that seems to be often) and her answer is “stop what?”. She only has 7 - 16yrs to 16mos.

    Your story is pure real life and uplifting in that you can maintain a sense of humor. I usually can - after the fact of course. Good luck and keep posting.

  33. Mary says:

    I… I… Uh… I… Well… Um… There just isn’t anything to say to that. (Other than, I’m so glad ‘t’weren’t me!)

  34. Rhoda says:

    Oh do i ever know the feeling.

    I have an autistic son who needs to be closly watched because he will eat his bowel movement and literally paint himself and the walls with it.

    ~R

  35. But Momma says:

    Are you ready to sell him yet?:)
    I thought about you today as I stuffed my Old Navy Bag to it’s breaking point. That post is my all time favorite!

  36. Jenniffer says:

    You, madame, crack. Me. Up.

  37. Jo says:

    OMG! I’m laughing so hard. Shitty milkiness. EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Oh, I can totally relate to this story.

  38. Chookooloonks says:

    FABULOUS.

  39. Nicki says:

    Anybody know what happens when you laugh too hard at someone elses’ poopy posts. I found out today after posting my previous comment.

  40. Pastormac's Ann says:

    LOL. Poor, poor you.

    Sorry, my twisted mind is wondering - what’s with the pouring rice milk all over it (thank you 7 yr. old) before the dance?

    Truly amazing how you can write about something so mind blowing and still have us laughing til we’re crying. You’re talented lady, I tell ya. Thanks for sharing….I think. ;-)

  41. debbie says:

    You mean you have no PHOTO of this?? I was expecting a photo *sulks*

  42. chris says:

    There was no time to go for the camera. I briefly considered taking a photo of the aftermath on the floor, but it was just TOO disgusting. Trust me.

    Oh sorry, that was just me dry heaving again.

  43. sarah says:

    can’t stop laughing!! mine’s only 2.5 months old, but i know the joy of chasing down the diaperless pooper is in my future somewhere

  44. wookie says:

    Ah, sweet memories.

    For me, the horror is in th eknowledge that we were *right there*, *heard* them playing, for godsakes, and didn’t think anything of it until we walked in/looked over and discovered a happy child in a pool of feces (or in my case, my daugther was using a rather copius and well-formed stool as a PILLOW).

  45. Karen Rani says:

    Oh EW! Lucky you! LOL! Great story!

  46. Heather says:

    Had to come back for seconds! HAHAHA! Its even funnier the second time reading it.. :)

  47. Zookeeper says:

    My DH has these moments all the time. I especially liked the time my oldest son played Pocahontas, he was John Smith, as he stabbed the back of our couch twenty times with a steak knife….WHILE DH was napping on the couch!

  48. Sarah says:

    I had to share this entry with The Husband. I told him ours isn’t the only kid who plays in her poopy!! I hear milk baths are good for the skin, was a shiny and smooth once you cleaned him off? Maybe he was worried about wrinkles :-)

  49. debbie says:

    LOL. Oh well, I guess I’ll count myself lucky then :P Just have to wait for mine to do the next best thing - uptape his nappy, discover contents, inspect index finger full of contents with the concentration of a rocket scientist then SMEAR the contents all over the WALL.

    And no - nobody bought the fact that it was art either…

  50. Jennifer says:

    I knew the gardening clogs would come in handy. Every time I see a pair, I think of you. And now, every time I see a pair, I will think of you. And a baby covered in rice milk and poo. Being hosed off in the garden.

  51. Maliavale says:

    I am speechless.

  52. Denise says:

    OMG!!! I’m LMAO. Ain’t motherhood grand?

    I, personally, think that your ability to ignore certain things IS amazing! Men just don’t understand.

  53. peepnroosmom says:

    OMG! That was so funny! Just this morning my 11 mo old pooped in his bathtub. And he thought it was funny! I have just finished posting about it on my blog. What is it about poop lately? My hubby had to come read this post because I was laughing so hard. Ha!

  54. Angela says:

    I am going to have to learn to read your blog BEFORE the kids go to bed. I wake them up in a fit of laughter every time. They aren’t light sleepers either. :) Thanks for yet another great read.

  55. Rae says:

    What would you do if you couldn’t write about it?

  56. Candy says:

    Being a mother of five children ranging in age from 5 to 19, I have many stories in this department. I guess one that you might all appreciate is the one where I heard my then 18 month old (who is now 19) gleefully playing in the tub while I rearranged the towel closet right there in the bathroom. All of a sudden, she said, “Mama! Look at the Little Debbles”! Not having a clue what little debbles were, I turned around to find in HORROR that she had pieces of poop floating all around her in the tub! I’ve cried a lot over the years.

  57. Kbeans says:

    Oh, Well, guess I’ll share this story…And my first thoght was to start out”oh, shit, but hey..” My son now almost 9 resisted pottty training on purpose for quite a while. There was the time he pulled out all books in the hallway bookcases and then peed on them……But the worst was when he lovingly (?) spread poop all over the dining room table. Oh, the stench. It was right after that that I turned to bribery and it finally worked.

  58. Brigitte says:

    Oooh, don’t make me pee my pants!

    You have me quaking in fear as my 20-month-old daughter already delights in eluding me after baths and peeing on the carpet (I bet most “Pet Stain” products are really used for Toddler Stains!).

  59. Missi says:

    Oh my!!! My youngest (#5) loves to take off her diaper too. Her poo fell all over the floor yesterday leaving a trail. We caught her before she made too much of a mess. LOL Thank heaven’s we missed the milk part of it! I can see now what I have to look forward to!

  60. ben says:

    *snort*

    I have a mental image of the look on Clint Eastwood’s face as he faces this same situation.

  61. halloweenlover says:

    I think I just puked in my mouth a little.

    So these are the joys I am looking forward to?

  62. Natalie says:

    You should add your blog to http://www.blogsbywomen.com because it’s so so good and great for newer mommies!!

  63. Steph. says:

    I read this a few days back and didn’t comment. I’m a fairly new lurker to your blog.

    But, I have to now because it is still cracking me up. I generally don’t like poop stories in blogging, but yours had me in stitches. I’m nominating you for a Perfect Post over at Suburban Turmoil and Petroville for this one!

  64. Petroville » Blog Archive » A Perfect Post ~ July says:

    [...] Organized Chaos and O Mama Mia awarded Girl’s Gone Child Mysterious Lady awarded Old Lady of the Hills Never That Easy awarded Maya’s Granny FTS awarded The Gunsmoke Files Whatchu Tawkin Bout awarded The Color Purple Toddled Dredge awarded On My Way Over The Rainbow Queen Bee Confessions awarded Mental Excrements Old Horsetail Snake awarded Tan Lucy Pez Mini Obs awarded The Shizzle Aka Monty awarded WebKittyn I Obsess awarded Mama Drama Fireflies & Frogs awarded Notes From the Trenches Motherhood Uncensored awarded This Sister’s Journey Mama Tulip and Little Bald Doctors awarded I Obsess Niihaus awarded Crazy Momcat Masked Mom awarded Ellipsis Ellipsis Ellipsis Karen Rani awarded Somewhere on the Masthead Sweetie awarded The Odd Mix View from the Cloud awarded Antique Mommy Little Mama awarded Little I Two Okapis awarded Championable One Tall Momma awarded Mom 101 Owlhaven awarded In the Midst of It Black Belt Mama awarded Welcome to my Closet, Here’s a Black Dress Queenie Carly awarded Suburban Princess Miss Cellania awarded Clueless in Carolina Ladybug Crossing awarded This Mom Blogs Agog and Aghast awarded Straddling the Line Part One & Part Two The Fat Lady Sings awarded Glenda in the Land of Oz Bub and Pie awarded Life of Pie Italian Trivia awarded Toddled Dredge My Float awarded Stepherz Twist of Kate awarded Rude Cactus Her Grace awarded The Naked Ovary Sarah and the Goon Squad awarded Dad Gone Mad Nupboard Central awarded It’s Not All Mary Poppins MotherPie awarded Open Book CrazyMomCat awarded Notes From the Trenches Outside In awarded Melange Something Blue awarded The Silent K Wordgirl awarded Out Loud cmhl awarded The Blue Sloth Suburban Turmoil awarded All contents copyright 2005-2006 Petroville.com Graphics and Code Made Especially for MommaK by Leanne. No stealin’ permitted! [...]

  65. GeminiGirl says:

    “…the wonder of my shitty milkiness…” HAHAHA! Very, very funny story, chris! At the risk of bringing the wrath of the Parent God on my head, this is yet another reason why I’m soooooo glad I don’t have kids. Better let those who are really committed to them have ‘em.