D-O-N-E spells never again
August 20, 2006
Today I went to visit my niece who just gave birth to her first baby. A girl.
I always wondered when I would know I was done having children. For a long time I thought that the feeling would never pass that I would just always think that I should have just. one. more.
But then I had my seventh and thought, this is good. THIS is all I can handle. Seven has always seemed like a lucky number. I like to joke that I have a kid for every day of the week. If only I could get the other six to stay put in the closet when it isn’t their day, it would be perfect.
Today I held this beautiful baby. I stroked her soft little cheeks and hands. Admired her paper thin skin. I inhaled her fabulous brand new smell. I marveled that my babies, any of them, were ever that small. How is it even possible?
But even as I looked at her, I didn’t want one. I felt none of that tugging on my heart strings, nor did I have the desire to hold her up and say, “Oh, Rooooob. Loooooook at the baaaaaaaby.”
In fact I so much did NOT want one that my uterus felt compelled to expel it’s contents five days ahead of schedule. That is how much I don’t want another one.
I handed the baby back to her mother. I said my good-byes and left. Happily left. I may have even skipped out the front door, I can’t be certain.
I got into my car and thought of my husband at home with the children, all of whom are old enough to be away from me now for extended periods of time. I thought of how much happier I am to have that tiny bit of freedom, though there are some days that it is a double edged sword. And I kind of feel like a bird that has escaped and flown free and now is fighting against the people trying to stuff it back into the cage.
That analogy might sound a bit more melodramatic and depressing than the reality is, but that is the gist of it.
And so I drove away happy.
Happy most of all that I never have to be a first time mother ever again.
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