How to read a book to a toddler
August 29, 2006
Now in twelve steps, because I can never do anything in just ten.
1) You will know your toddler wants you to read a book when they come up with the heavy board book and smack you with it a few times
2) Open the book
3) Toddler screams “NO!” and grabs book out of your hand and slams it shut. You did not properly announce the reading of the book, point to the cheeky Thomas character on the cover, and the planets were not yet aligned properly
4) Begin again
5) if there is an animal on the page you must point to it and make the animal noise
6) If you have ever pointed something out on a page, you will have to do it for all eternity. Keep this in mind when you are reading a book for the first time. Unless you enjoy turning a five page board book into a half an hour reading event.
7) There can be no deviation in the prescribed reading of the book, unless initiated by the toddler. Remember this.
Toddler will randomly point and turn pages in any direction of the toddler chosing. Toddler is master of the board book domain.
9) Failure to comply with any of the toddler demands will result in screaming, kicking, and the tearing of the book out of your hands. Whereupon you will be forced to begin the book again.
10)And you will like it
11 )And you will do it because of a little face like this. A face which belongs to a completely unreasonable creature, who’s only survival mechanism is this face and the fact that it actually believes the sun rises and sets on your words:
12) But then you will distract the toddler and discreetly hide the book under your shirt, in the back waist band of your pants, or eat it. Depending on how tired you are of the book. Method of distraction is solely up to you, but I have found this one to be effective.
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