brought to you by the number five
September 6, 2006
This entry as “written” by my fifth son who is five years old on what it is like to be five.
“Victory is never as sweet as when you beat your older brother.”
I am five years old. It’s tough being five years old.
There are so many rules. And they are all dumb. Like my clothes, what is this matching thing? And why can’t I wear my Superman cape everywhere? All clothes should come with a superhero accessory.
Why can’t I just wear my underwear all day, backwards like I like it. I don’t understand why the cool pictures are on the butt of the underwear where I can’t see them. It makes more sense for the picture to be in the front and those weird holes to go in the back, so the farts can escape.
Did you notice I said butt and fart? butt fart butt fart butt. I can make noises that sound just like farts with my armpit. Wanna see? No? Well, maybe later. My older brother showed me how to do it. He is so cool. Sometimes he lets me play with him in his room. If I promise to be quiet and just sit there, without talking to him, he will sometimes let me watch him build his Lego sets. But I am not allowed to touch them ever.
Five is a fun age because I can still fit on my mom’s lap and sometimes my Dad will carry me up on his shoulders and I feel like I’m flying through the air. Five is good because I can tell people how old I am with just one hand, in case I am too busy to talk and I am holding something important in my other hand, like a stick.
I can ride a bike really good now and I go for walks with my Mom and she lets me ride my bike on the road, like a big kid. But I get mad when my older brothers come with us because they ride their bikes fast and I pedal really hard with my legs, but I can’t catch up with them. That’s a not good thing about being five. I can do lots of things, but I can’t do them as well as I want to do them. And sometimes I scream and stamp my feet.
I know how to write my name and love to write it all the time. On paper, on walls, on the floor, on the driveway, on my body. My Mom doesn’t like it when I write on the walls or the floor. Even when I write it somewhere really small, she notices. I don’t know how she does it. She said she has eyes in the back of her head. Sometimes I pretend that I am brushing her hair, but really I am looking for those eyes.
I am allowed to write on my body, since it is my own body, but only on the places that are covered by my clothes. But that’s not as fun because no one can see my name! My mom says when I grow up I can get my name tattooed across my forehead if I want. I might do just do that. But being a grown up is a long way away.
Things are hard about being five too. Getting a glass of water from the sink means getting a chair or stool from across the room and dragging it all the way over to the cabinet to get out a glass, and then dragging the chair over to the sink the entire time risking dropping the glass on the floor and breaking it. No I can not make two trips. I am busy. Doing lots of stuff, okay?
Most of the time it works out okay. My mom does not like it when I drop the glasses on the floor and break them. I don’t know why it is such a big deal. We can always go buy new ones.
But sometimes things go wrong. Horribly, terribly wrong. Like when I tried to put my dinner plate in the sink without a stool, because I am big you know, and it slipped and fell onto my head. And I had food in my hair and mustard from my hamburger dripping down on my face. My brothers were all shouting, “Get the camera.” And my mother? She is laughed so hard that she could barely hold the camera steady enough to focus the picture.
But then I laughed too. Because being five is funny too.
That’s the end. I have nothing else to say.
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Oh my gosh this is so funny. I am crying! Only 4 more years till I go through this with my son!
September 6th, 2006 at 10:25 pmHe is such a cutie. Wow. My daughter just turned six. We are very much with him on the dragging the chair to get the glass thing. And the broken glass on the floor. ugh.
September 6th, 2006 at 10:32 pmAaaaw. This was soo sweet and very sentimental to me as I have a five year old boy. Love this.
September 6th, 2006 at 10:39 pmoh so funny and so sweet
where’s the picture?
September 6th, 2006 at 10:45 pmGreat post and a perfect photo!
September 6th, 2006 at 11:10 pmThank god I only have girls
September 6th, 2006 at 11:27 pmOh, that is so sweet! My little girl is almost 5, and so many of these observations fit her too, except she’s the feminine extreme. 5 is such a great mixture of baby and big kid.
September 7th, 2006 at 12:11 amTears flowing and heart aching - oh how beautifully you write.
Oh yes indeed this is the MIND of a five yo!
September 7th, 2006 at 12:21 amHappy BDAY!!!!!
Hmm, my five year old duaghter wears her underwear backward too, but I am totally confused because on the girl’s underwear the picture is on the front. Oh, and she wrote all over one of her toy boxes today:).
September 7th, 2006 at 12:34 amAhh! The underwear thing is pure genius.
Did I really say that?
I meant it.
September 7th, 2006 at 12:46 amMy son likes to wear only underwear in the house, but he hasn’t learned the joys of wearing it backward. It’s true — the cool pictures are always on the back! What a smartie you have.
And this: “Five is good because I can tell people how old I am with just one hand, in case I am too busy to talk and I am holding something important in my other hand, like a stick.” Total five-year-old boy. What a great post.
September 7th, 2006 at 1:26 amPerfect! My 5 yo was checking for those eyes in the back of my head just the other day. Thanks for the smiles!
September 7th, 2006 at 1:29 amThat is great! So funny and lovable.
September 7th, 2006 at 3:25 amSo I don’t have the only 5yo who wears his underwear backwards to see the picture?
September 7th, 2006 at 6:08 amIs there some way our five-year-olds were separated at birth? Stellar post, Chris.
September 7th, 2006 at 8:01 amLOL! I thought my 4.5 year old son was the only one who did the underwear backwards. Let your son know he has a kindred spirit in SE Pennsylvania.
September 7th, 2006 at 8:15 amKyle (who will be 5 in 3 days and will tell anyone who will hold still for a second) loves writing his name everywhere. And he wears his underwear backwards, he says its because he wants more room in the front… I tried to point out that he ends up with a wedgie in the back this way. Maybe I just need to buy the boy some boxers.
September 7th, 2006 at 8:34 amOh man, this makes me miss being five in a big way.
September 7th, 2006 at 8:47 amMy 5 y.o. can’t understand why he can’t wear his underwear on the outside of his clothes so everyone can see the Spiderman on them. He observantly pointed out to me the other day that he has Spiderman underpants, undershirt and socks, but nothing he can wear on the *outside*. Why not? Hmmm, funny how that worked out, son, I’m sure I don’t know….
So, where’s the pic?
September 7th, 2006 at 9:41 amYou must be such a great mom to understand your kids so well. And a spectacular writer, too! I love reading your blog.
September 7th, 2006 at 10:11 amMy son used to wear his underwear backwards too…so he could see the pictures! Now he wears boxers without the pictures, and for some reason feels the need to walk around the house in just his boxers. Son, go put a shirt on!
September 7th, 2006 at 11:07 amOMG! That is so funny. I have a five year old too, but a girl, so throw in all that plus a lot of prissy stuff. Always a pleasure to read your stuff. Maybe if we lived closer together, my four girls could grow up and date four of your boys, wouldn’t that be funny?
September 7th, 2006 at 11:34 ambutt fart butt fart butt. hilarious!
September 7th, 2006 at 11:49 amlovely. I have the girl version at home. She says butt and fart and dumb and stupid while wearing a tiara and barbie underwear.
September 7th, 2006 at 12:51 pmOMG - that’s so funny! #2 son turns 5 next month (he’s a miracle kid w/only half a heart - so I tear up just saying it) The first thing he does when he gets home is take off all his clothes and run around in his undies. He hasn’t thought about the backwards part - don’t give him any ideas;) This really describes him - you nailed it.
Jaimie Lee Curtis wrote a book - It’s Hard to Be Five - if you haven’t read it you were channeling it.
September 7th, 2006 at 1:27 pmBackward underwear, plate falling on his head, writing his name everywhere, how funny!
The picture is awesome!
September 7th, 2006 at 2:24 pmI’m linking to this post, because it’s just so funny and so well written. Little boys are the best.
September 7th, 2006 at 4:01 pmaw man now I wanna try for a boy! Nice going chris
September 7th, 2006 at 5:08 pmThat is absolutely precious! Thanks for sharing it with us. It is so interesting to hear the way little people think!
September 7th, 2006 at 7:40 pmThat is too cute! I can totally picture a 5-yo boy saying that! He has such a wonderful personality!
September 7th, 2006 at 9:07 pmSeriously, why are the images on the butt instead of the front of the underwear?? That makes no sense to me. Your son is quite brilliant.
September 8th, 2006 at 3:04 pmI wanna be five again.
September 9th, 2006 at 5:43 amHow fun! The butt fart thing had me giggling, I was thinking about friday when we had a similar thing going on at our house. I posted a picture of it over at my blog. ‘Cause I’m just silly like that.
September 9th, 2006 at 8:47 pmCan you teach me how to make sounds that sound like farts with my armpit?
December 4th, 2006 at 2:16 pm[...] Chris posted this “essay by her son” and it had me grinning from ear to ear. (I don’t laugh much, I’m more of a smiler. Seriously. And I always feel bad because people don’t know how funny I actually think they are. I can only sit there and smile. And then smile a little bigger.) [...]
December 9th, 2006 at 11:55 pm