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you wish you were married to me

you wish you were married to me

October 7, 2006

Last night I felt so horrible that I went upstairs to bed right after I hit publish. I guess I just didn’t feel complete until I shared my misery with the internet.

I went upstairs and just flung myself onto my bed, without even brushing my teeth. I just didn’t think I could walk the last few feet to the bathroom and put forth that sort of effort. But as I lay there in bed I just kept thinking over and over that if I should die during the night I really hope that the funeral person brushes and flosses my teeth before putting me in my coffin. I would hate for my children to bend down to kiss me goodbye and smell like the rotting prime rib. Oh the melodrama that exists inside my own head.

Luckily I lived through the night.

This morning at first light Miles woke up. I kicked gently woke Rob and told him, “Get the baby.” He thought I said, “Go get Miles and put him in our bed and promptly fall back asleep so that Miles can climb on my head, pull my hair, and jump about my body like I am the unfortunate person on the bottom of the mosh pit.” I can understand the confusion. They do sound so similar.

Finally I gave up and got out of bed. I drank my coffee and perfected my martyr routine by baking muffins for breakfast because, “Somebody has to take care of these children, and it obviously isn’t you.” Yes, I am good. I should give martyr lessons.

I did think briefly of killing Rob with my evil martyr eye when he said, “if you want me to do something all you have to do is ask.” Because he sounds so reasonable and martyrs don’t like reasonable. We like wallowing, sulking, and possibly the threat of being burned at the stake.

But then I remembered that he is residing a portion of our house this weekend. And truly that is a fate worse than death; a fate which is slightly worse than having to live with a martyr ’til death do you part.

And yes, I do feel much better today, thank you for asking.

Posted by Chris @ 12:41 pm  

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  1. Jen says:

    Good to hear you’re sounding a bit more alive - or at least death warmed up a little warmer than lukewarm. Hope you’re 100% better soon.

    (’Get the baby’ can also be translated as getting the baby, putting him in bed with me, and disappearing off to the coast for a kitesurfing-and-Ikea-session. For 5 hours. Whilst I go to the vet, dry cleaners, cattery, library, chemist, hardware store, market, pack 3 people’s bags, and make tonight’s dessert. It’s a very easy mistake.)

  2. Nicki says:

    You poor thing. It’s hard enough to be sick and take care of 2 kids. I can’t imagine what it’s like with your bunch. i hope it all gets better soon. I think if your sick that you are more than entitled to play the perfect martyr!! And enjoy it!!

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Actually, I hate that line about doing anything I ask. Just look around and pitch in. My second least favorite thing is when I have a mental list of, say, 20 things that must get done today. Hubby asks so I tell him one thing to do. He disappears and I find him 2 hours later watching an R-rated movie alone in our room so the kids won’t see it, as I’m on my way to task 10 on the list, ask if he’s done his one yet, and he says no, I think I’ll wait until after this movie.

    Take it easy even if you are starting to feel better, you probably shouldn’t jump right back in full speed. You’ll need your strength as your kids each take turns getting it next.

  4. Kristi says:

    Yeah, I had that head thing just a couple days ago while a jackhammer was at full volume in my basement. And believe me, when this morning arrived and the workers returned, I kicked my husband promptly out of bed so I could sleep till past 9am. Sometimes the martyr wins.

  5. meritt says:

    What guys don’t seem to ‘get’ is that we KNOW we could ASK you do something… we just want you to notice what should be done and do it WITHOUT us asking.

    But after we get pissy about it, and they say “all you have to do is ask….” it does sound reasonable. You know… for a man.

  6. peepnroosmom says:

    I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. I do so enjoy sulking and wallowing. That’s what makes me feel better.

  7. Cathy C says:

    You are so funny. I feel like I should make you some chicken soup and keep Miles occupied so that you can sleep (but not on the side of the house where your poor husband is residing). Glad you’re feeling better.

  8. Katie says:

    Glad you are feeling better!

    My response to the “just ask!” comment is “If I knew what I wanted, I would ask.” It’s the Libra in me and I know it doesn’t make any sense in the first place. But at least I have a comeback.

  9. jennnster says:

    the real question is WHY DO WE HAVE TO ASK? just fucking know. thanks.

  10. Cheryl says:

    glad you are feeling better today, Chris :)

  11. Ani says:

    All I can say is I echo Jennnster.

    Glad you feel better. Now send hubby off for some Nyquil. Screw the siding, it will get done sometime.

    FWIW I consider Benadryl the drug of choice when feeling crappy. Combine with some Advil for fever and pain relief, and voila. Sleep is the best healer.

  12. jen says:

    do we have the same husband? chances are slim, but maybe they are brothers.

  13. jen says:

    do we have the same husband? chances are slim I suppose, but maybe they are long lost brothers.

  14. Maddy says:

    Thank you …. I will NEVER go to bed again without brushing my teeth.

    I know understand why you were so offended by the horrid woman who suggested your children had cavities … clearly with the fear of dying with rotting meat in their teeth your children brush and floss before bed … every night.

  15. girlymama says:

    so its not just my husband who thinks that ‘get the baby’ means bringing the baby into bed so she can kick me, poke my closed eyes and say “mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama….” until there is steam blasting out of my ears and i get out of bed to make breakfast?


    when this happens, it is incredibly satisfying to tell older children when they awake to go wake up daddy really loudly.

  16. Lulu says:

    Glad you are better. My mom being sick was one of the few times that I really felt bad for her. Especially the time she had number 5 and dad left the four of us alone for a couple of days.

    I think you are both great parents!

  17. Playdate Susan says:

    Alternate post title: In Which Miles Is Saved From Certain Death Only By His Overwhelming Cuteness.

    Feel better. And please, PLEASE brush your teeth.

  18. Erika says:

    ugh im sorry you are sick hun, thats the worst, moms dont ever get a sick day, but man if a man gets sick…. they are worse then the kids :X

  19. madre-terra says:

    Glad you’re back to your martyr ol’ happy self.
    He shouldn’t need to have you ask…….men……

  20. Sarcastic Journalist says:

    My Martyrdom usually involves making a peanut butter sandwich. My Martyrdom bows down to yours.

  21. Hsin says:

    Bake muffins? You gotta be kidding. A few crackers from the pantry is all they get. And I so hate the line, “Just tell me what you want me to do”. I so hate it.

  22. Brigitte says:

    “All you have to do is ask” . . . and then listen to him whine and mutter obscenities under his breath the whole time he does it, and he does it half-assed, and then he glows for the next two weeks because he was so “helpful”.

    It’s usually not even worth asking . .

  23. carrien says:

    My man has perfected the art of sounding reasonable as he responds, “You could have just asked.” He has also perfected the art of saying he will do something, and then waiting so long to do it that it becomes pointless becuase I needed it done this morning, so I could do something else, not in 7 hours when you feel like getting up. And I end up doing it anyway, and hating the way I”ve been masterfully manipulated.

  24. Melissa says:

    I’ve been wallowing and sulking for near 2 days now. Martyr is what I do best. It’s been lovely. So glad to hear you are feeling better and that your husband is paying his penance with a fate worse than death. All is how it should be….

  25. Dy says:

    Now, see, three children ago, I thought that’s what I was saying. But since then, mine has had me convinced that I DID, in fact, say, “Go get Emily and put her in our bed and promptly fall back asleep so that she can climb on my head, pull my hair, and jump about my body like I am the unfortunate person on the bottom of the mosh pit.”

    I’m going to have to invest in a tape recorder. He could be in a lot of trouble.

    Glad you are feeling better today.

  26. InterstellarLass says:

    Martyrs rock. I’ve played one before too. Get better.