Letters from the disgruntled housewife, a series in the making
October 10, 2006
These are just things that annoyed me this morning. I have so many more.
Dear Makers of Generic brand Cereal that comes in those large bags with the ziploc top,
Please just do away with the “ziploc” top. It doesn’t work, ever. In fact I think it is a ploy by your company to make us buy more of your cereal. While we try to open the top of the bag in the manner that is instructed, the entire bag tears open and half of the cereal spills onto the floor. The ziploc top is strangely always in tact. I am tired of frantically trying to scoop the cereal off the floor without my children knowing and then telling them the bits of dirt and grass are part of the cereal when they discover it in their bowls.
What? I should sweep my floor better? Have you been talking to my husband?
To my period,
I am really really tired of you and your insistence on arriving every 25 days. I know that after all these years I should be accustum to your visits, but frankly I am still shocked and always sit on the toilet using my math skills to figure out that it really has been 25 days since you last arrived. While muttering expletives under my breath.
And then I hope I had nothing special planned for the next few days that involved wearing white pants, having sex, or being outside of the 50ft ring of a restroom.
I walk down that aisle of the store and am so confused. Wings, no wings, petal soft applicator, no applicator, night time, daytime, light days, party days…. where is the box that says can also be used to sop up a slaughterhouse floor? That’s the one I need.
So what I am saying, period, is that you can move along now and leave me alone. I no longer have any use for you and the uterine shop is closed for business permanently. I thank you for your many years of valued service, but consider this slightly used panty liner your pink slip.
Also, can you please talk to your friend PMS? Because between the two of you I figure I only get about 13 good days a month.
Dear halloween manufacturers,
What the hell is wrong with you? Are there no normal costumes anymore? I do not want any of my children dressing up as a serial killer. I find it especially disturbing in the toddler set of costumes. Where are the cute costumes? The funny ones? The silly ones? And why don’t kids make their own damn costumes anymore, like we used to? Oh, that’s right, I am too lazy and my children have been too programed that they have to buy a certain one at a store.
Is it so weird that in this day and age, when serial killers are all around us, storming into schools and killing children, that I would not want my children dressed up as something that glorifies this behavior? And yet, when I was out shopping this weekend I saw parent after parent buying their child these costumes and it disturbs me.
Both of my little kids left the costume store crying this weekend. And more than one grown up laughed at them while they cried. This disturbed me even more than the inappropriate costumes. Is that what we are collectively teaching our children? Where is the compassion and love? Do we want our children to be so jaded that they don’t find these dripping blood costumes at all frightening by the time they are 8 or 9 yrs old?
And what the hell has happened to childhood as a revered and innocent time of life?
Also, please stop with the tramp costumes for little girls, and I don’t mean that term in the vagabond jumping the rails sense of the word.
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