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it’s not me, it’s you

it’s not me, it’s you

October 17, 2006

Oh internet, you are crazy.

Just when I think you can not get any crazier I open my email and find this gem.

Would you please not trap me! Allow users to back out of your site to the search engine where they found you. By not allowing me to hit my back button and go back to the search engine and leave your site, back to the search engine and list that was generated by the terms I am searching, I have to close my browser, open a new one, enter my search terms again and find my place to resume. This in no way makes me want to purchase from or use your product. I feel held hostage and very put out. I recommend you change the entrapment procedure. It is not smart.

Oh Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. I am so sorry that you are being put out and no longer want to purchase my product. I am crushed. Oh wait… I don’t actually sell any sort of product. Frankly I am not sure why your back button doesn’t work, because when I tested it out I was able to do it just fine.

So Jerry, the problem would appear to be you.

But in the spirit of being helpful I searched through my statcounter and pulled up the last few search strings that brought people to my site. Perhaps one of these is the search phrase that brought you here.

Are you a little pervy, Jerry?

cleavage shots

Or was it this one?

inappropriate costumes

Or this?

what would people in the trenches do in a normal day

Which I think I can safely answer as try not to go crazy? Just guessing here.

This one?

what kind of food did they have in the trenches

I’ll tell you tonight it was pork chops, mashed potatoes, and corn, not on the cob. It’s cobless state the cause of much heartache in small children living in the trenches with me.

going braless to make my breasts sag more

You want them to sag? Men aren’t supposed to have boobs, Jerry. Just so you know.

sparkly boobs

sparkly and saggy, huh?

trailer trash family on porch photo

Oh now you are just being mean, Jerry.

how to pay someone to organize my house

I am going to go out on a limb here and say with money. I know, crazy.

ate expired campbells soup

I didn’t even know canned goods expired. I thought that was why people stockpiled it. But if you are still alive and typing this, I would assume you are going to live. For future reference if the can is covered in an inch of dust and sealed with lead solder or if you found it in your grandmother’s cellar, you might want to pass on it.

thank you for showing me that best friends can not be trusted

You’re welcome.

i want a wife

Me too.

pain in the ass notes

This one was refreshing change of pace from all the people searching for love notes. And I wish I could ask what exactly a pain in the ass note would say.

I hope you find this helpful. Unless of course you were one of the people I skipped who were searching for disgusting things. If that is the case you deserve to be held hostage and not in the virtual sense of the word. But you would probably enjoy that, wouldn’t you?

Posted by Chris @ 9:32 am  

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  1. Beth says:

    Oh my, you just made crack up! What is it with people anyway?

  2. meg says:

    Oh, lord, that was the greatest thing I’ve read ALL DAY.

  3. Lori says:

    How sad is it that someone would take all that time to send a mean e-mail when it took all of 3 seconds to close and open a browser window. My guess is that when he clicked on your site his computer opened a new browser window, in which case there would be nowhere to go back to. He and the other wierdos out there certainly provided you some great blog fodder for the day! Have a great one!

  4. Jennifer says:

    No problem with the back button here. ?

  5. Karen Rani says:

    I think Jerry needs a back button. That was hilarious though Chris!

  6. bluepaintred says:

    omg. so many people, myself included have done google search posts. but this.. this isnt a post, its a work of art

    (drinking coffee from my notes from the trenches mug right now)

  7. Cooksonmom says:

    WTF? Crazy people!!

  8. jody2ms says:


    And you say you have nothing to say! Pu-shaw!!

  9. Amah says:

    Where can I buy some of all of that!!! Some people just need something to be ugly about - or maybe they are ugly and want to act that way???????

    Brightened my morning - got my laugh in - thanks.

  10. Darren McLikeshimself says:

    “going braless to make my breasts sag more”!


    Okay, let’s see what I got today:

    ashton kutcher “eye cream”

    why is the thermos so important

    pictures of courtney cox in sleeveless turtle neck sweaters

  11. peepnroosmom says:

    I am laughing so hard right now.
    Chris, you are hilarious!
    Jerry, you are a jerk.

  12. T in HD says:

    Oh my. Raw human nature can be a scary thing.

    BTW, my back button works sh*t-hot dandy, thanks. However, my darned mouse keeps sticking. What are you going to do about that?

    He he, maybe “Jerry” thinks you are some kind of goddess with special powers. Erm, on second thought, lets not even go there, k?

  13. kate says:

    Is that guy for real. My back button works and doesnt everyone have autocomplete on their search engines.

    What people search for can be just nasty!

  14. Nicki says:

    I would say Jerry suffers from the ever popular ID ten T error. IDIOT!! Alas, we should thank Jerry for the laugh.

  15. Cakes says:


  16. Kendra says:

    The nerve of some people. They think just because they are emailing someone they can be totally rude to a complete stranger. But it is funny when they are completely confused and look really stupid like Jerry. Thanks for the laugh!

  17. Wicked Stepmom says:

    Hmm… can I have Jerry’s email? My printer is out of paper and WON’T PRINT!.

    I was thinking that he might be able to help me b/c he seems OH-SO knoweldgeable about these computer-thing-a-ma-jiggies.

  18. Mons Flumen says:

    “And I wish I could ask what exactly a pain in the ass note would say.”

    I think Jerry sent you one.

  19. kathy says:

    I think we should all post our recent keyword searches. And I agree with Mons! :)

    wanderers gang
    extascy what does it look like
    carizozo, nm
    ups package car driver broke mirror
    overnight pemex
    sissy drawings

  20. Woman with Kids says:

    I too would like to know what a pain in the ass note says. I’m thinking something along the lines of, “Didyoutakeoutthetrash?Mowthelawn.Mymotheriscomingtolivewithus.” type of stuff.

  21. kathy says:

    Oh and Chris, I’ll buy all your product that Jerry refused to! Hey! DOUBLE my order. K?

  22. Cathy C says:

    Too funny. What a strange email to get. He must be missing some marbles.

  23. Sammie says:

    “going braless to make my breasts sag more”

    You should make that into a tee shirt!!!!

  24. Miss Peach says:

    Oh man, Chris, I’ve been out of the blog world for months now and just popped by and am laughing out loud, shaking my head, wondering how it is I’ve managed to keep from coming here every day! Too funny!

  25. momslo says:

    Chris,You are so funny! Thank god I was eating my ceral and don’t drinking my coffee!

    Hey Jerry, you had it coming and then some!

  26. elizabeth says:

    OMG! I thought I had experienced all the crassness there was/is in the internet world - but this takes the prize. What a complete and utter arse. God only knows whom he blames for his other mal(e)functions!

    You, lady - are a class act and able to find and show the humor within the absurd!

  27. Erika says:

    OMG what nerve.. and you handled it so gracefully ;)

  28. rachel says:

    Just to be fair, my cousin’s mom is named Jerry (she’s a twit too), so this jerk could be of the female persuasion.

    Thank you so much for the hysterical laughter. It’s been a long, long few days, and you made it so much better.

    But, um, doesn’t everyone use “open new tab” after doing a search? duh.

  29. Mama T. says:

    Yeah, so what’s up with non-perishable food having an expiration date??!! I thought that was the whole point? Non-perishable…? I found a can of Chunky Soup in the pantry the other day, but it had an expiration date of 2004. So do I open it and pitch it? Does this mean if I stockpile an emergency kit I need to re-stock it every year? I am so confused.

    Oh and Jerry is a twit.

  30. g says:

    OMGoodness, I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this stuff!! I find you so brave and funny, I love your blog!!

    Jerry, SHAME ON YOU!

  31. jennster says:

    LMFAO! what the hell, whore! let him BACK OUT! you are causing all sorts of inconvienence on the internet! lol i love it

  32. Christina says:

    LMAO - that was tooo funny! Thanks to Jerry for the inspiration, and the next time my computer doesn’t work I’ll give Jerry a call!

  33. LammyAnn says:

    Oh,my holy canoli.
    Jerry: IDIOT.
    Chris: BRILLIANT

  34. Denise says:

    And people think I’m weird. Jerry takes the cake, which is good ’cause he’ll be trapped here in the trenches without food except for expired campbells.

  35. theotherbear says:

    haha - too funny. I only had a laugh yesterday on my blog about odd search terms (I was most proud of “friends don’t let friends become vegans” and most disturbed by “i drank aunty’s breast milk”. I just wish I could write about it as funny as you - I just snorted a mouthful of tea out of my nose and all over my work desk.

  36. nextcommercial says:

    The um, trailer trash one might have been me.

    I have been looking at trailer trash the last few days. I did enjoy that link!

    I think I have found my halloween costume. Now all I need is a package of them thar pink foam curlers for my hair.

  37. Heather says:

    Three words for you, which I am sure you already know! PEOPLE ARE WEIRD! And Jerry would fit that description. ;)

  38. Becca says:

    I hope dear Jerry figures out his entrapment procedure issues and comes back to see all this!

  39. elismsue says:

    OMG!! If I could approach the daily “dumps” in a way like you do, I would be giggling all the time. Thanks for the smile and, always, an alternative view to negative situations in a positive and entertaining way. BTW, you, your family stories, and those pics are always a positive, day brightening
    read for many. I especially loved your entry on “needy friends”. We must know the same people. Keep it up, Chris!! I need my daily dose.

  40. Rae says:

    Oh boy, those are good ones. Especially the saggy boobs. I can’t believe Jerry has so much time, that he can just use it so EXTRAVAGANTLY and write emails to all the people whose websites so inconsiderately TRAP people all the time.

    I get a lot of “big nose in puberty” searches, as well as people who are concerned about “eating ravioli while pregnant” and one man who googled “i’m afraid of upsetting my wife.” Kinda sad, huh?

  41. madre-terra says:

    That was enlightening.
    Weird…very weird. So that’s where they come from….

  42. guinness girl says:

    HAhahahahahaha! Awesome.

  43. Meg says:

    Ihave had this problem with the back button. Your old blog url redirects to this site. If you try to hit the back button after being redirected, you get stuck and it keeps sending you back here. Not that it is your problem to fix that, but it is possible. Love this post!

  44. Garnigal says:

    Sadly I have a friend Jerry with saggy moobs who is a little pervy. He claims he’s not a virgin anymore, but we just tell him his pants will light up if he lies anymore.

    Would you like to meet our friend who we affectionately call “Socially Inappropriate Jerry?”

    I thought not.

  45. sesso anale says:

    sesso anale…