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2006 November

Love is…

November 30, 2006

letting your most challenging child live for another year. (kidding) (well, not really kidding about letting him live since he is obviously still alive) (at least at the time of the photo)

I make no promises about seven though. (kidding) (no, I’m not) (yes, I am) (maybe)

Sixth birthday

Visit Karen at Chookooloonks for more Love Thursday posts.

Posted by Chris @ 10:51 am | 35 Comments  

Disclaimer: no one was injured in the writing of this post

November 29, 2006

From the flurry of emails and comments on my recent posts I feel compelled to remind people that I wasn’t talking about them. I wasn’t talking about their turkey. And those of you who emailed telling me what an ungrateful bitch I am or commented anonymously, wow you are so brave. And also you have lots of time on your hands.

I don’t write anything here about my husband’s family that I wouldn’t say to their face. My sister-in law’s turkey cooking skills have been the butt of family jokes for years, more years than I have been a part of the family that’s for sure. I didn’t go through the list of things she prepared for dinner and tear them all apart. That would be harsh and uncalled for. But sharing a funny, I thought, quote from my 9 yr old was no way harsh.

Should I have prefaced the story by saying that he was sitting at the “children’s table” in a completely different room from the grown-ups and brought no attention the fact that he was putting an ice cube on his plate on top of the turkey? That my sister-in-law just happened to walk by and ask him what he was doing? Should I have shared that she laughed and came ito the dining room and related the story to all of us? Or how about my brother-in-law who told her that her punishment for making crappy turkey was that she would be forced to host Thanksgiving again next year? And then how one of her teenage children asked for the ice bucket? Christ she has teenagers, do you really think someone calling her turkey dry is going to phase her?

And the photo? It was one of many that I took that day. I have four or five others of my son standing there smiling in front of the food, even more of him smiling in front of the dessert table, but this photo struck me as funny. But that is really beside the point.

To me writing about that damn turkey was a metaphor for alot of other things that I couldn’t or wouldn’t write about. Things that are personal and have to do with our differring religious, political, and parenting beliefs, or based on the fact that some of us are sane and some of us clearly are not.

Instead I should have written the quote that my sister-in-law’s husband said whe his teenage daughter expressed an interest in working at a tanning salon in town, “Only degenerates and hussys go to tanning salons.” I wonder if that would have inspired such vitriol.

I could have written about how I host Christmas every year at my house and how every single year we make something that his family laughs at. One year it was a five onion soup, one year it was homemade gravy, another it was homemade cranberry sauce. I love me some homemade cranberry sauce, but no one else does and so I now buy the canned stuff and you want to know a secret, it really IS easier to use on a turkey sandwich later with left overs the next day.

Sometimes I think that people don’t realize that what I, or any of us, write and share are but obscure details in our lives. What is written here on the internet is but a tiny tiny glimpse into our lives.

I try to write about things that made me laugh, made me think, occassionally things that annoyed me. Sometimes writing helps me to find the humor in things that otherwise might not be humorous, like most of this mothering gig, or to find something positive to write about when everything in reality seems to be spinning out of control.

Everything that I write is true, but it isn’t the whole truth. This isn’t a diary that I keep locked and stored under my Hello Kitty pillow where I dot the i’s in my name with tiny little hearts or smiling faces.

My children don’t walk around amusing me endlessly every day with their funny one-liners. In fact I have to remind a few of them that we aren’t living in a sitcom and can they please tone it down a bit.

I lose my temper.

I yell at my kids.

My kids yell at me.

We watch more tv than I would ever like to admit.

And in just the past week my husband has run over two skateboards and a scooter that were left laying in our driveway.

And he fell over a bicycle that was left in front of the porch steps and he was unable to see it in the dark. And when he came inside and told all of us we laughed. Because a suit wearing Dad coming home from work late at night, in the dark, carrying his briefcase, and falling over errant toys is comedy gold.

I have threatened to call Santa to make sure the kids are on the naughty list.

My kitchen is filled with sheetrock dust, as is most of my upstairs. I have been living in a construction zone of a house for so long that it seems normal to me to ask guests to keep their shoes on.

My Christmas shopping isn’t even close to being done.

We forgot to go tag our tree at the Christmas farm last week and so now we will probably end up with one too big to fit in the house or else a Charlie Brown tree.

Oh and speaking of Charlie Brown, did you watch the special when it was on last night? We didn’t either. And yes I knew it was on when I sent my kids to bed.

And I like having sex with my husband. If I withheld sex everytime he said something stupid we’d only have one child. Likewise if he withheld sex everytime I complained about being out of shape and gaining weight, while sitting on the couch eating Lime Tostitos, cookies, or twix bars. Well we probably wouldn’t even have one kid. That is what makes it funny.

Perhaps I just need to have parenthetical explanations after every sentence that I write. (kidding, of course)

Or perhaps people just need to lighten up.

Posted by Chris @ 5:31 pm | 147 Comments  

a picture is worth a thousand words, or at least a sentence or two

November 28, 2006

I was uploading my Thanksgiving photos last night and came across this one which made me laugh out loud. The way that my seven year old is looking at that dried out turkey. And also the fact that the only thing he has on his plate for dinner is a circle of cranberry sauce fresh from the can.

the look that says it all

Posted by Chris @ 3:02 pm | 34 Comments  

again with the quotes, in lieu of real content

November 27, 2006

After braving Home Depot shopping hell Thanksgiving weekend for things we needed, not for presents, I spied the candy aisle.

Me (picking up a gigantic sized Twix bar): I haven’t had one of these in a long long time. I think I am going to get it.

Rob: You don’t need that.

Me (picking jaw up off the floor): Excuse me?

Rob: I am just telling you what you should be telling yourself.

Me (jaw still dangling): Ex-cuse me?

Rob: You really don’t need it. You will be wishing later that you didn’t eat it when your pants don’t fit.

Me: (tossing the Twix bar into the cart): Kind of like later on tonight when we are in bed and you try cozying up on my side? And you will be telling yourself that you wish you hadn’t mentioned the candy bar?

Rob: (reaching into the candy display): On second thought, why don’t you have two of them?

Me (stony silence)

Rob: Or three?

Me (stony silence)

Rob: I love you?

Posted by Chris @ 5:35 pm | 46 Comments  

Thanksgiving quote

November 24, 2006

“Why do have ice cubes sitting on top of your turkey?” asked by my sister-in-law who had cooked the Thanksgiving dinner

“I am trying to get some moisture into the turkey because it is just SO dry.” answered my 9yr old son.

Ah children with their brutal honesty, saying what the rest of us wish we could say.

Posted by Chris @ 10:24 am | 39 Comments  

It’s like herding cats

November 21, 2006

Until I had children I never realized all the work that went into taking a single good photograph of everyone together.

You think it would be easy… set everyone up in position, tell them to look at you and smile….

No, me.  Look at ME!

Instead they will imitate the child wrangler standing behind you

Is it hard to just look

And someone will cry at the sheer horror of being forced to have their picture taken

Oh the horror of being forced to sit on a stool and smile.

And so to maintain the last shred of sanity, I divided the children into two groups.

Top of the naughty list

Which worked well.

Perfect

As you can see.

Nothing says I love the Baby Jesus like pinching your face

Having to touch your sibling during photo taking is like torture.

An elbow to the neck should make him back off

Someone is always unhappy

Pouting

Finally I remind them that I know Santa’s phone number.

Lovely littles

This one made it to the card

And so another year of christmas card torture has ended.

To see a slideshow of the entire set click here.

Posted by Chris @ 10:33 am | 60 Comments  

you might want to wear a mask and disinfect your computer after reading this

November 20, 2006

(update with photo below)

What to say about my computer… other than today I turned it on and miraculously the screen was working. Why? Why would it do that? Does it want me to profess my love for it like I was forced to do with the dryer? Doesn’t it know I love it? My 7 yr old said it probably wanted a break since I use it all the time, that it was tired. The anthropomorphism made me laugh because those are precisely the kind of things I say to them when one of their toys dies and I don’t want them to be upset.

But I think my computer has been unfaithful and picked up a virus or something somewhere. It is running so painfully slow and crazy. It must have the computer version of syphillis. It feels like I am using dial up. Yes, that is how bad it is.

I do have antivirus software running and some spyware/adware thing. And they aren’t picking up anything.

I do have other things to write about other than my computer. The fact that my fifth son turned six years old. Or that my 10.5 yr old called a girl today for the first time (Holy Hell….why does he need to grow up?) and spoke to her on the phone for 3 minutes and 27 seconds (yes, he timed the phone call). Christmas card photos to share. Or how about the fact that my vacuum BROKE too.

Don’t you want to invite me over?

Shield your eyes. Don’t look this way. Save yourself, your appliances, and your electronics.

Oh holy hell, the remote control to my television is next to me and I leaned on it. Now it isn’t working. It is one of those universal remotes and I have to plug some sort of secret code into it to make it work. Of course I don’t know the top secret code. Between having to get up and change the tv channel manually and the huge monitor still sitting in here on the table I feel like I am back in the 1980’s. All I need is my neon colored, off the shoulder, RELAX shirt, with my rolled up tapered leg jeans, and scrunched socks to complete the visual.

Just so you can appreciate how pathetic I was last night: (more…)

Posted by Chris @ 9:59 pm | 23 Comments  

Oh Dell, why hast thou forsaken me?

November 19, 2006

I probably shouldn’t be allowed to own computer since I can’t seem to manage to keep mine alive and in fully functional working condtion.

Today, I, or some unnamed person who lives in my house, broke the LCD screen on my laptop. It is dead. Just a vast black landscape.

I am begining to think that there is some sort of conspiracy. Or else God is punishing me for telling my children that the baby Jesus was crying because the were not smiling and sitting nicely in the Christmas photos.

Rob said to me today that laptops aren’t supposed to be replaced yearly, as has been my habit.

Luckily, it is still under warranty so if I want I can send it back and have it fixed for free. The problem with this option is that I would be without my computer for 2 weeks. And as sad and pitiful as it might make me sound, I don’t think I could survive. The second option is to have them send me the LCD screen and install it myself. The third is to pay an additional fee to extend (it ends in a few days) and upgrade my warranty and have someone come out to the house to fix it. I am leaning toward the third option if the fee is at all reasonable.

I had to pull an ancient monitor out of our closet and hook my laptop up to it. The thing is so huge that when I carried it into the room the kids thought I had bought a new television set.

Desperation is a monitor circa 1997.

Posted by Chris @ 5:46 pm | 32 Comments  

Dante would agree

November 17, 2006

Today I am entering the Tenth Circle of Hell, otherwise known as taking photos of your children for Christmas cards. Children who act like they have never before had their photo taken. Children who can not seem to manage a “real” smile. Children who can not seem to sit up straight if their life depended on it. Which it does. Children who will wrestle and climb all over each other, but can not bear to touch their sibling in a photo.

God help me.

Posted by Chris @ 9:58 am | 42 Comments  

Man, you people are unrelenting

November 16, 2006

Here is a photo I snapped this morning.

New hair

See, I have short brown hair now. It was about 6″ longer and blonde yesterday.

Posted by Chris @ 11:59 am | 56 Comments