It’s like an Aesop’s fable for grow-ups
December 10, 2006
The moral of the story is: Garbage bags are for garbage, ONLY garbage.
Alternate moral: Don’t throw anything away, ever. Squirrel it all away until your house looks like one of the ones featured on the 5 o’clock news where they had to use a bulldozer to rescue the family that was trapped inside behind a fortress of their own garbage.
The story begins…
In early January when you are sick and tired of looking at all the dusty holiday decorations, the dead pine needles that have gathered in all corners of the rooms, and the sound of Christmas carols makes you want to tear your hair out and strangle the general public with it, you might decide one day that you have to put all the decorations away now. As in RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.
However, as is always the case, you may not have enough rubbermaid bins to store the decorations because you have purchased more decorations during this holiday season. And even though you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will never use half of the itmes you have stored away in the boxes marked XMAS, you can not throw them away. Baby Jesus doesn’t like wasting perfectly good, albeit outdated and dusty, things.
And so you may decide to put all the garland, wreaths, bows, lights, and other non-breakable assorted things into a black garbage bag with the intention of buying a new rubbermaid bin the next time you are out shopping. But after you carry the black garbage bag up two flights of stairs and deposit it in the far corner of the attic, shut the attic door, walk back down two flights of stairs… you will have forgotten all about it.
And the months will pass by. Christmas will be a distant memory.
So distant in fact that when summer comes along and you decide that you want to clean out the attic and purge all the junk that is stored up there you will throw all the junk into black garbage bags and leave them in various locations in the attic. And then a few weekends later you might
harass instruct your husband and sons to get all the garbage out of the attic, for crying out loud, and bring it to the dump.
And you will be blissfully happy with your newly cleaned out and tidy attic. And you might even go so far as to make oboxious sweeping statements to anyone who will listen about how much “lighter” you feel now.
Then come December you might find yourself opening up every single storage bin in your attic looking for the missing items before it all flashes before your eyes. And your mouth will fall open and you will yell, “No fucking way!” And then you will curse to yourself all the way to Micheal’s where you replace it all, and possibly more, making a mental note to purchase some new rubbermaid bins.
And in case you were wondering, the same hold true for the children’s winter outwear accessories… hats, neck gaitors, expensive ski gloves and pants… You will not discover this until the first snowy day in December when you try in vain to locate the things for the children to play outside. And the children will be forced to wear cheap mismatched stretch to fit gloves, and hats that have been rejected for so many years that they never even made it out of the attic last winter. And when the children complain about their hands being wet and cold you might just find yourself telling them to play outside without touching the snow.
Or maybe suggest that they wear black garbage bags.
Because saving their hands from frostbite is not nearly as important as having a well decorated house.
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