’tis the season for uncomfortable family gatherings
December 15, 2006
I am feeling decidedly lacking in Christmas spirit this holiday season. I am not sure if it is because the weather has been so freakishly warm or that my children already own every toy ever manufactured or that my mother is coming over to my house for Christmas dinner this year. Let that last one soak in a minute while I do a shot of tequila over here.
When I casually mentioned to her a month or two ago that she could come over for Christmas and see her grandchildren that she hasn’t seen in 7.5 YEARS, most of whom weren’t even born yet, well I didn’t really think she would say yes. But she did. And she is bringing scalloped potatoes. I am trying to be calm about it and adult like, but holy crap I have invited crazy to my house. Rob is less than pleased and keeps saying that there had better not be any drama.
I know that my mother will come out with some ridiculous story about how great Christmas was when I was a child and relate some heartwarming moment that she stole from a Lifetime channel movie and has now convinced herself really happened in our family, even though I don’t have a one legged brother who befriends the elderly shut-in neighbor only to discover she is our long lost grandfather who had secretly had a sex change operation and moved into the house next door in hopes of being a part of our lives. Somehow those pesky details will be overlooked. But I have promised my husband that I will bite my tongue, smile and nod, and agree that yes it was simply magical when Johnny hopped on his one good leg down the icy walkway to our neighbor’s house carrying the Christmas ham.
This isn’t what I intended to write about when I sat down here, it’s funy how that happens. I was going to write about my children and the fact that I am going to end up buying my children more crap this holiday season just like the crap they already own, don’t play with, and leave all over the floor for me to trip on. How many legos, matchbox cars, and pretend kitchen stuff can you have before it is too many? I am not sure of the exact number, but think I can safely say that it is significantly less than we already own.
I asked bargain shopping guru Mir for advice and she suggested laser tag guns, proving that she does not live with an army of boys who need no encouragement in this area. They would run and stomp through the house screaming and shooting at each other until the plaster fell from the walls and my hands shakily reached for a bottle of tequila and a bottle of pills.
So I am at a loss. So much so that I almost suggested we get a puppy for Christmas. Which would certainly break the tenuous grasp on my sanity I maintain these days. But then I weigh one hand against the other…. my sanity versus my children’s happy smiling faces, and the decision isn’t so easy. I am sure I could make some sort of tequilla bottle holster to wear at all times. Maybe with a straw.
And that holster would be perfect on Christmas day, enabling me to have my hands free for installing batteries, holding two wine glasses, or strangling someone in the closet.
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