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My ever expanding to do list

My ever expanding to do list

December 19, 2006

1) Hang wreath on the front door, again. My wreath keeps falling off my front door. I have tried everything short of driving a 5″ nail through the door to keep it hanging with no luck.

2) I need to call the rental place to rent stuff for Christmas like tables, chairs, chafing dishes, a housewife…

3) Finalize Christmas day menu, shop for food, cook and bake. Wonder where the rental wife is.

4) Finish wrapping the gazillion presents I have, none of which are a puppy.

5) Go to liquor store

6) Clean house. Especially bathrooms. Forbid children from using them again, instead directing them to the great outdoors.

7) Order a new battery for my laptop. Right now it is just a lightweight desktop. And if my children trip over the power cord while I am typing one more time, cutting all power to my computer, so that I lose everything that wasn’t saved, well, let’s just say I’ll be spending Christmas in prison.

8) Tell children we will not be baking cookies until they clean their rooms, which does not mean piling everything on their beds and covering it with their comforter, stuffing it in the closet, or putting it all in the hamper. Do this every fifteen minutes for the next 5 days.

9) Give self full frontal lobotomy.

10) Bring the kids to see Santa so they can ask for and be promised presents that I have not bought. So that I can tell them Christmas morning that they should have been better behaved because obviously Santa took that present off of his sled. Too bad. So sad.

11) Throw wreath in the middle of the road and run it over a few dozen times. Shout expletives out the car window.

12) Revisit liquor store.

Posted by Chris @ 12:33 pm  

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  1. Sara says:

    Unbelievable! I have the EXACT SAME LIST!!

  2. Amy says:

    Wait!! That’s MY list!!! ROFL! I have to laugh because it feels good to know I am not alone. Except I have go to liquor store one more time than you do.

  3. Alice H says:

    Can you use a wreath hanger to hang the wreath?

    Something like . It goes over the top of the door and has a hook for the wreath.

  4. Alice H says:

    Well, I screwed up THAT url.


  5. alice says:

    oo-oo-oo me too!

  6. Scout's Honor says:

    Could be worse! Do all that and then find out wimpy family houseguests decide to cancel EVEN though you told them they should fly, not drive months ago because the weather in Seattle is unpredictable.

    Ah well, I used the guilt of the kids NOT cleaning the playroom (can’t walk an inch without stepping on something!)as the reason the grandparents aren’t coming. I am soooooo evil, but then again, I learned the guilt trips from the masters-the family that cancelled.

  7. Cathy C says:

    Can I borrow this list? I’m already on number 9. I didn’t think you’d mind.

  8. Scout's Honor says:

    Alice H: Did you notice that wreathe hanger is OUT of STOCK! Woman, you are just adding to the agony

    …add a trip to the confessional for murdering the next person who brings the pine needles dropping from said wreathe, without wiping their feet, onto my motherfudging white carpet.

  9. Ashley says:

    Ah, liquor!!!

  10. Mary W says:

    My list too minus number 7.

  11. Cheryl says:

    Chris, I’m sitting here laughing out loud at your list…..my list is a bit shorter, BUT….if my 16 year old doesn’t change is ugly attitude about life we will be having a Christmas funeral because I’M GONNA RING HIS NECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Finelly says:

    Can you pick me up some Rum while you’re at the liquor store? If you want, we can get drunk together just so we can get through it all. :)

  13. Brigitte says:

    Hey, if we can’t FEEL that Christmas spirit, we can always buy it at the packy!

  14. Karly says:

    Tis the Season!

  15. jm says:

    May I borrow #5, #9 and #12? Thanks!

  16. Chimera says:

    I’ll be the rental housewife if you buy me a puppy. But it better be wrapped nice. Oh, but I must mention I ransom Santa for at least 20 bones.

  17. Katie says:

    I was wondering why #5 wasn’t #1 in the first place but including it twice does the trick. Congratulations on NO puppy!

  18. Rae says:

    Wow, I’m kinda glad that I don’t have a wreath. And I’m glad that I’m not a wreath. Especially your wreath. Everybody has it out for wreaths. And I would volunteer to be the rental wife, except that you would probably be much worse off, and you’d have to add, “refrain from giving rental wife withering put-downs” on the list.

  19. kerflop says:

    Alice’s wreath hanger link! My wreaths kept blowing off, then I got one of those thingies from Michael’s and bent the hanger part to hold the wreath really tight. Even in this forsaken Idaho wind that never ever stops, the wreath has stayed put. Hurrah!

  20. Cathy says:

    You mean I’m not the only mom/wife that finds Christmas less than the 1950’s movie version??? BTW, making your own wine is really easy, and you make it by the gallon. You can count all the steps as a science project - and you get to “clean up” the results.

  21. Salsa Queen says:

    OK, so we don’t have kids, but my mil, fil, sister in law and her dh will all be here at my house for Christmas. That’s why “visit the liquor store” is the NUMBER ONE thing on my list this year!!!

  22. Nicki says:

    can you go to the liquor store for me??

  23. Maddy says:

    I agree with eveyone, this list is international and should be posted for all to print and put on their fridge.

  24. Playdate Susan says:

    I went directly to #11. And from thence to the liquor store.

    Happy freaking Christmas.

  25. javamama says:

    Hey, we’re more than halfway through Hanukkah. Come on over! Bring the liquor and I’ll fry up the latkes. We’ll get drunked up and stuffed with deep friend deliciousness, with nary a wreath in site and you don’t have to worry about gifts or Santa or anything! See you tomorrow. (Hey, could you bring an extra lighter, too? Thanks.)

  26. javamama says:

    LOL! Make that deep FRIED deliciousness, but what a wonderful typo… deep friend deliciousness… SNORT!

  27. Christina says:

    My favorite is #10 - why didn’t I think of that?

  28. kbeans says:

    Ummmmmmmm, I give up. I’m just doin’ the liquor store and God help anyone who doesn’t appreciate my choices, or the major effort involved in sobering up enough to drive there.

  29. Elizabeth says:

    God Bless my Mother-in-law! At some point in the distant past she gave up on a fancy Christmas meal and went with the deli tray method. Tray of meat, tray of cheese, deli rolls, condiments, plates of Christmas cookies, and raw veggies cut up. And a shrimp cocktail platter thing they have at the deli. And, my DH decided this was a Christmas tradition that we had to carry on. The trays go in and out of the fridge throughout the day and everyone grazes, nobody curses and drops and hustles and cries in the kitchen at all. It’s a beautiful thing.

    May I point out that you may possibly be the mother-in-law to seven spouses in the future who may bless you for instilling this fine, fine tradition in your sons and daughter? It’s not laziness, it’s an obligation to the future.

  30. kbeans says:

    Speaking of liquor stores, didn’t they used to deliver? Does anyone else remember the Linda Blair after school special about teen age alcaholism, or however you spell it? About that sobering up thing…………

  31. sweethomealagirl says:

    #6 is great…having boys has definite advantages ;)

  32. Sherri says:

    Amen Sister! I should be wrapping, but I’m uh, reading… where is that wine?….

  33. Karen Rani says:

    You probably don’t want to know that I’m done. Except for the 3 hour car ride on Friday night, which will likely turn into 6 hours because we’re driving through Toronto…we are DONE. You should just come with us. :D

  34. Jackie says:

    I laughed out loud from your list - God, you are blessed with an awesome sense of humor!!!My kids clean their room just like that, making my laundry pile bigger even though half the stuff is unworn!! Merry Christmas!

  35. rachel says:

    a mouse ate our cool fleece wreath. no, I’m not joking.

    so glad you can laugh about it. I have a shorter list and need to adopt your sense of humor!

  36. Tuesday says:

    Sounds very familiar to my list except I have visit liquor store as number 1, 2 & 3.

  37. InterstellarLass says:

    Me too. Except liquor store is every other item on my list.

  38. Beth F. says:

    Simply hilarious. I hope your list gets completed…hopefully by a rental housewife!

  39. kathy says:

    Chris, your only problem is that you’re making the wrong Christmas cookies. Here is my favorite Xmas cookie recipe…

    Christmas Tequila Cookies

    1 cup dark brown sugar

    1 cup (two sticks) butter

    1 cup granulated sugar

    4 large eggs

    2 cups dried fruit (dried cranberries or raisins)

    1 teaspoon baking soda

    1 teaspoon salt

    1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

    1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans

    2 cups all purpose flour

    1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

    First, sample the Cuervo to check quality.

    Take a large bowl.

    Check the Cuervo to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour another 4 ounces in a measuring cup and drink.

    Turn on the electric mixer.

    Beat one cup of the butter in a large fluffy bowl.

    Add one teaspoon sugar. Beat again.

    At this point, it is best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK.

    Try another 4 ounces, just in case.

    Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chunck in the cup of dried fruit, picking the frigging fruit off the floor.

    Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.

    Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

    Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something.

    Check the Jose Cuervo.

    Now shift the lemon juice and strain your Walnuts.

    Add one table.

    Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

    Greash the oven.

    Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

    Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

    Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

    Cherry Mistmas.