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A perfect post

A perfect post

January 3, 2007

For people who have never had an eating disorder or a warped body image, these things are difficult to understand. How can a person who is thin think they are fat? People think it is an elaborate rouse designed to get others to pay compliments….”Oh just eat it, you aren’t fat.” or “I wish I were as fat as you!”

There isn’t a day that goes by in my life that I don’t think about food. Right now I have a rather healthy relationship with food, but the thoughts are always there, fleeting though they might be. And I will always feel as though I am huge. The largest fattest person in the room; someone who takes up too much space. Eating makes me feel weak, not eating makes me feel powerful. Strange how the ultimate act of self-loathing can do that. Whenever I got shopping and I am browsing through the racks of clothing, I always think the sales people are whispering about me, “Look at her. Can you believe she is going to try that on?” And these are my thoughts now, as a “healthy” person.

This month I decided to nominate Stacy at Jurgen Nation for the perfect post award, for her post Rex and Effect. She is so open about her struggles with anorexia, and is able to articulate the thought process behind it better than anyone I have ever met.

No matter who is around me and how much I love that person, inside I feel alone. And miserable. And I have no idea why or how to make it stop. I hate depression. I hate that it attacks you when you least expect it, when it tackles you just when you can’t fight back. I hate the medicine, that I feel hunger pains and a smaller waist turn depression into something embraceable, something to turn toward rather than against. I hate being fucked up thinking fucked up thoughts and thinking I’ll be able to handle things so much better if I’m just two five ten twenty pounds lighter; that people will like me more and be more interested in who I am …

To me a perfect post is one that makes you think long after you have read the post and clicked the little x. They are the ones that make you go back and read again. Go read stacy’s post. You won’t be sorry.

Posted by Chris @ 9:24 am  

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  1. Toni says:

    WOW- had no idea! Hang in there!

  2. jody2ms says:

    I plan on wrapping my arms around you in a big bear hug this summer, but for now here is a cyber ((((((HUG)))))).

  3. Novaks8 says:

    I’ve certainly never been anorexic but I have struggled with overeating.

    There is a flip side in which people laugh at fat people and say that all they need is willpower when there is usually SO much more to it.

    It takes courage to admit anything as hard as this to people and I think you and she are wonderful examples!

  4. Jeanne says:

    Wow. I came to leave a sarcastic note that even your trash is perfect. (Champagne top).
    Many write from their hearts. I believe you write from your soul.
    Perfect you are not. An angel on earth, maybe.

  5. Heather says:

    This post was beautiful, and stacy’s too. It s really difficult to lived with warped body images, and unfortunately I think a lot of people have them and never talk about them. Thanks for the bravery of speaking so openly about something so personal.

  6. Pamela says:

    An interesting woman once wrote that forgiveness is the new black. What’s good enough for your mom is certainly good enough for you.

  7. Ashley says:

    Awesome post!

  8. Jennifer says:

    I struggle with food issues, too. Right now I’m fairly calm about it, but I’m gaining, which freaks me out. Soon I’ll start losing, and I will obsess over losing until I’m too thin, again, then I’ll try to maintain, but end up gaining again. I’ve gained 20 pounds this year…I love my food…and freak out when I see myself in the mirror. Why can’t we women make peace with our bodies?
    I think I’d make a lousy anorexic…I love my food…but I’ve thought before that bulimia is the way to go…

  9. Maddy says:

    I second what Pamela said.

  10. wordgirl says:

    My mother’s side of the family have weight issues in that they take comfort in food and are mostly overweight. My father’s side of the family worry about weight to the point that they never enjoy food. My mother and both my sisters struggle with food. I’ve always been very thin…and I look good for my age, but I deeply desire to be the kind of thin I used to be. I see myself as overweight…even though I’m not. I, too, feel more powerful by not eating.

  11. cristen says:

    Well–so interesting to read this post, as I was just yesterday thinking about you and how great you look, for having had 7 kids in particular. I’ve had 3 in the last 4 years, and need to lose some weight. I was obsessing over that yesterday and wondering how you manage to look so great and bake cookies and gingerbread houses and have a body that’s birthed all those children. Now I know. I’m sorry you have this issue. I was just this morning at the gym talking with the director of my gym, who’s a friend and has been anorectic (never heard that word before Stacy’s post)–so strange weight issues are on so many of our minds. But then not really, since it’s January…

    I think you’re an incredibly interesting person and love reading your blog, which I only discovered a couple of months ago but read daily. Just know there are people out here thinking of you and thinking you’re great, even when you don’t know it.

  12. Susan says:

    Very poignant. Thank you for sharing that side of you, and for linking to her post, too.

    I have dealt with food addiction as long as I can remember. I have been everything from a Size 7 to a Size 24. When I was a young woman, I think I bordered on anorexic, or at least on overdoing the whole working out thing. (IOW, four hours per day of working out combined with almost starving to death is *not* normal.) Most recently, I have even had gastric bypass surgery. I have regained back some (although not much) of the weight. Food is more of an issue now — in the past 4 years since the surgery — than ever before. And I feel worse. And the guilt is huge… much bigger than before I had the surgery. Every bite of food that enters my mouth is accompanied by a substantial helping of guilt and self-doubt. I understand that alone feeling, though no one who knows me would ever guess I could feel this way. Which, really, only makes me feel more alone.

    Anyway, (((HUGS))).

  13. Nikki says:

    Body image is a curse. I wish sometimes that bodies were like uniforms and we could just change them out at will and still, we’d all just fit in.
    I weigh more than I’m comfortable with and hate, hate, hate it. I was thin until after my first son but even when thin, didn’t feel that way. I can’t remember ever feeling attractive, to myself or to others. How do you fix a broken body image?

  14. Erika says:

    as a long time sufferer, I can understand you completely.

  15. Jean says:

    I have yet to meet a woman with a positive perception of her body. Here’s to raising our daughters differently!

  16. Brigitte says:

    As a teen, I could successfully ignore hunger pangs and eventually, they would go away. A package of Ramen or a small bowl of cereal was my quota for the day.
    Now, middle-aged, I’ve swung the other way and eat at the slightest pang and am truly fat.
    Either way, I always felt totally ugly, unloved, unwanted. I’m sorry that you ever have to feel it too.

  17. Tricia says:

    Skinny- Fat it is all a matter of perspective isn’t it? I started a long tirade on this issue at my own blog…

  18. khristalee says:

    i don’t understand, I thought you were really thin? was this someone else talking? i hate when skinny people think so badly about themselves, when to overweight people (like me) look at you and hate ourselves more. Yikes, it’s a sad sad world, when we are so consumed by food, and there are people starving all over, dying to be fat if they could eat enough!