A perfect post
January 3, 2007
For people who have never had an eating disorder or a warped body image, these things are difficult to understand. How can a person who is thin think they are fat? People think it is an elaborate rouse designed to get others to pay compliments….”Oh just eat it, you aren’t fat.” or “I wish I were as fat as you!”
There isn’t a day that goes by in my life that I don’t think about food. Right now I have a rather healthy relationship with food, but the thoughts are always there, fleeting though they might be. And I will always feel as though I am huge. The largest fattest person in the room; someone who takes up too much space. Eating makes me feel weak, not eating makes me feel powerful. Strange how the ultimate act of self-loathing can do that. Whenever I got shopping and I am browsing through the racks of clothing, I always think the sales people are whispering about me, “Look at her. Can you believe she is going to try that on?” And these are my thoughts now, as a “healthy” person.
This month I decided to nominate Stacy at Jurgen Nation for the perfect post award, for her post Rex and Effect. She is so open about her struggles with anorexia, and is able to articulate the thought process behind it better than anyone I have ever met.
No matter who is around me and how much I love that person, inside I feel alone. And miserable. And I have no idea why or how to make it stop. I hate depression. I hate that it attacks you when you least expect it, when it tackles you just when you can’t fight back. I hate the medicine, that I feel hunger pains and a smaller waist turn depression into something embraceable, something to turn toward rather than against. I hate being fucked up thinking fucked up thoughts and thinking I’ll be able to handle things so much better if I’m just
two five ten twenty pounds lighter; that people will like me more and be more interested in who I am …
To me a perfect post is one that makes you think long after you have read the post and clicked the little x. They are the ones that make you go back and read again. Go read stacy’s post. You won’t be sorry.
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