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In which I don’t mention shoes at all

In which I don’t mention shoes at all

March 12, 2007

Nothing says I am rapidly approaching middle age like back to back to back doctor appointments.

Friday I have my first ever mammogram. I am not certain how they deal with people who are not endowed in the breastular region. I fear I will have to lie prone on the machine and have them squish my body back to front.

Or else they will laugh and tell me that if I had a tumor it would be visible to the naked eye since there is nothing for it to hide behind.

Also, on Friday, I get to have an ultrasound for the thyroid tumor that I have. It was biopsied a few years back and came back benign, so I am not particularly worried about this ultrasound. If it has grown considerably in size then my thyroid will have to be removed. But looking on the bright side I can tell people I got the scar in a knife fight. And then add, “You should see the other person.” Thus furthering the illusion that I am tough and to be feared.


Last week my daughter wanted slip-slops.*

Yesterday she said she needed a bounce-aline.**

Today she informed me that for Halloween she was going to be Legoless in water wings.

“Water wings?”


“Why? Does he swim?”

“No. He shoots people with his bow and arrows.”

“Then why does he need water wings?”

“That is the NAME OF THE MOVIE. Wah-dah Wings***.”

God, I love this age.

For those uneducated in toddler-ease, *flip-flops, **trampoline, ***Lord of the Rings.

Posted by Chris @ 9:08 pm  

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  1. julie says:

    Wow, I’m entirely too fluent in toddlerese it seems because I knew what those were without checking the translation (the conversation for the movie title was helpful in the wah-dah-wings part though!) I can’t wait until my little one starts talking more, I love every breathy word that comes out of her, even the “no”s. Well, most of them.

  2. Chookooloonks says:


  3. kate says:

    Every girl needs some new flip flops!

    Love her pronunciation of words! That is truly the funnest age!

  4. geminishadow79 says:

    I’ve never giggled so hard at someone talking about breast cancer but you crack me up! hehehe the bresicular area thats funny. I’m glad you translated for me to, I got the flip flops and trampoline, but I never would have gotten lord of the rings, little kids are so cute!

  5. bluepaintred says:

    im just running out the door, havent read past the mammogram part. i gotta give you atip real quick then i swear when i get home i will read the rest.

    cut out ALL caffine. coffee, tea chocolate gums. ALL of it for the 24 hours prior to your mam.

    I started getting mine done when i was 25. the first one was HELL. then my granny told me not to have caffine for the next and there was nothing. NOTHING. i swear to heaven it husrts more to lay flat on your chest on the floor then have a mam when you have had no caffine.

    i know this is a hard thing to do, trust me, im a five or six pot a day girl. but it is WORTH it!!

  6. Lily Calla's Mama says:

    Oh my goodness, I am rolling. Do I ever miss the toddler years. :)

    Good luck with your mammogram!

  7. Jennifer says:

    You poor thing…I’m another boobless wonder, and am dreading mammograms…The only way I have any boobs is when I bend over, but they’re kinda sad looking then, so I try not to ;) When are we supposed to start getting ‘em, anyway? I was holding out for 40…

  8. Gwen says:

    Our neighbors just got one of those battery powered 4-wheelers and wanted to take my almost-4-year-old for a ride. I asked my son if he wanted on and he said, “No. It’s too like this…” *bouncing up and down*. I guess he didn’t know the word ‘bouncy.’

    It is fun to hear what words they choose to communicate and the looks they give us, like we’re too stupid to possibly understand.

  9. Jamie says:

    Good luck with the mammogram! I had my first one a few weeks ago and it wasn’t too bad at all. The comic relief was when I put on an XXXL gown that literally fit me like a king size sheet and all the little old ladies in the waiting room got a good laugh.

    Toddler speak is the best.

  10. Lani from The Wooden Porch says:

    Your daughter is adorable!

  11. Chris says:

    I was understanding until wah-dah wings. Hilarious.

    I had my first ever mammogram last year. Such a thrill. I forgot to shave my right armpit. The technician didn’t say anything, but I am pretty sure I was talked about for quite awhile. I mean c’mon, who wouldn’t talk about some idiot woman who only shaves one pit? I would.

    Have fun. Oh, yeah, it doesn’t hurt. Really.

  12. Elizabeth says:

    I’m a 34A and have had mammograms since age 35. I hope your place is as good as the one I go to. The techs are very nice, and yes, the machine does make a pancake out of whatever you might happen to have. There is even a “valley view” they can do to get the cleavage region if needed (but that’s only if they need to do follow-up). Also, every time I go in I get a call in a couple of days saying the radiologist has looked at my films and they want me to come in for more work - spot compression (yep, tighter) and ultrasound. It has been benign, fluid-filled cysts every time, (caffeine or not). And, I am told that is by far the most common result. So, if you get a call like that, don’t feel the need to freak out. I heard this from people AFTER I freaked out the first time and scraped the side of my new minivan pulling into the last spot in the parking garage, next to the concrete pillar.

    Now, I did hear from a friend that her mother and aunt “make up” for the “misery” of their mammograms by making a shopping weekend of it. I commented that I didn’t think it was bad enough to warrant that kind of “making up.” She then explained that they live in rural Wyoming and this is an excuse for a shopping trip in Salt Lake, since that’s where they have to go for the mammos anyway. Point of story - no, it’s not that bad, but maybe you can milk it a bit (pardon the pun).

  13. Andrea Q says:

    Wah-dah Wings…I fell out of my chair!!!

  14. Kai says:

    I got the first two but Wah-dah Wings threw me off. SO adorable.

    Good luck with the mammogram

  15. stephanie says:

    that girl should go on leno. because she is seriously comedy.

  16. Elena says:

    I had my first mammo at 35, and have had one every year since, because somehow my very less than well-endowed bustline managed to develop some cysts. Come to think of it, maybe the cysts are what give me a bustline after all…. But anyway, as far as the mammo, yes, it hurts, but it’s very quick (usually). I generally grit my teeth while my toes curl and I’m screaming silently in my head, and I tell myself over and over that by tomorrow it will all be a memory. A lot depends on the person doing the mammo, some are better than others. Hope yours all goes well!

    I did have half of my thyroid removed a couple years ago because of a benign tumor. It did leave a very cool scar, and I get a kick out of telling people that I’ve had my throat slit. Yeah, I have a warped sense of humor.

    Your daughter is adorable. I understood exactly what she was talking about! My youngest son and she could probably have a very interesting conversation. Kids are such fun!

  17. Amy Girl says:

    Around here “slip-slops” count as shoes.

  18. Beth says:

    They don’t come much smaller than mine, but I figure, if they can do a mammo on a man, how hard can mine be?? It does hurt a bit, depending on the tech you get. I’ve had some that were great and some that were not. And one who heaved heavy sighs the entire time, like she couldn’t believe her bad luck at getting *me*. (however, as a medical professional - in my previous life - that attitude is rare) Ok, my point was… it’s over quickly, keep your deoderant in your purse so you can put it on as soon as you’re done, and it’s not as bad as having dental work. Promise. I did get a call-back last time, and spent 3 days writing goodbye letters in my head… all because of a benign cyst in my ARMPIT that had nothing whatsoever to do with my mammo. sheesh. Good luck!! Welcome to the world of grownups.

  19. Pastormac's Ann says:

    Hah! Didn’t even need your translation. After 5 kids, I’ve got that language. She sounds adorable. It is a great age.

  20. Merry says:

    Last night, my 2 year old came down and said “um… i put something in my tummy” and looked a bit worried. Finally, after 4 children i was capable of translating this and the accomanying look into “i’m going to be sick” and held her over the sink in good and ample time.

    Then she said “i done sick” and went back to bed. Result :)

  21. Brigitte says:

    While I’m overweight, I have no boobs (where is the fairness in THAT?). My mammogram I felt like they were posing me like some old hood ornament I’d seen once: “put your feet back here, toes facing this way. Put your arms waaay back here. Now point your chin at the ceiling and stick your chest as far out as possible, while twisting at the waist.”

    I couldn’t make them happy, no matter how I tried to obey, and I think they got a couple ribs in along with my booblets . . .

  22. Sara says:

    I love “slip-slops” and will have to start using that. I hope your daughter will be okay with that. My 2 year old calls waffles “awfuls” and I crack up every time. If she does dress up as Legolas, you must take pictures. Who am I kidding? OF COURSE you’ll have pictures. ;)

  23. Jennifer says:

    Flip flops are a year round staple in our house (FL weather rocks), but we need to call ‘em slip-slops too since my big kids (8,9,& 10) seem to trip and fall something awful while wearing them. My clumsy family usually calls them flippy-flops but slip-slops is way more accurate for us anyway!

  24. Tuesday says:

    Never had a mammogram but I have had a tumor on my thyroid removed, although it was benign. I went to the “best thyroid doctor in the US” who happened to be in NY, and I have no scar to speak of.
    There is hope!

  25. peepnroosmom says:

    Bounce-aline. How cute. Peep used to call it a jump-aline.

  26. Meg says:

    Man, that cracked me up! She’s so witty!

  27. Holli Smith says:

    I will now forever call them slip-slops!
    I totally cracked up out loud and now everyone in my office thinks I’m crazy (duh)!
    Wa-da wings… wow I would NEVER have guessed that one… thanks for the answers at the bottom of the test. HAHA!

  28. LeeAnn says:

    Sometimes mammograms hurt, depends on the type that are taken. And just remember that 50% of women are called back for more films. Good luck.

  29. halfmama says:

    What I love even more is when they say it and give you that look like you’re an idiot: DUH Mom. Don’t you understand anything?

    A few weeks ago my toddler daughter tried to convince me that Johnny Cash’s song was NOT called “It Ain’t Me Babe”; it was called “It Ain’t Me BIB.”

    This is how my twins use to sing Ring Around the Rosie:
    Ring Around the Rosie.
    Parker. Posey.
    Office. Office.
    We all fall down.

    (Don’t know how/where they got Parker Posey but I’m all for my kids knowing indie actors, whether by chance or otherwise.)

  30. halfmama says:

    (Whoops. I just got trigger happy.)

    Good luck at the mammo. And love your knife fight story! Hysterical! I laughed out loud at this entire post.

  31. Rae says:

    Oh, I have wondered that many times? What WILL they put on the glass plate when I show up? Especially in my post-nursing wonder, or, lack of wonder, I should say.

    Hey, I had that surgery. They wouldn’t believe the biopsy and took out half my thyroid. And it was still benign. And I do tell people I was in a knife fight. Or taken hostage. One girl in LA, when I was visiting there was working up the courage to ask me something, but it took her a while and she finally said, “Were you, like, attacked or something?” Yes, yes I was. Now I wear a necklace that rests in the perfect place.

  32. maggie says:

    Toddlerisms are great - my kid keeps me laughing too.