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Beware of the Ides of March

Beware of the Ides of March

March 15, 2007

This is my public service announcement for today.

When the doctor’s office leaves you a message about some blood work that you had done and says that you should follow up with the office…

Do not consult Dr. google before you are able to get in touch with them and find out your exact results.

Otherwise you will spend your morning looking at your children wistfully, sad they they will be forced to grow up without a mother and mentally composing your obituary. Because you just know that you will have that very very rare disorder. I know I can’t be the only one with a flair for the dramatic and an overactive imagination. I am just happy my husband didn’t answer his cell phone when I called to tell him farewell.

Then when you finally get in touch with the doctor’s office and they tell you that your blood sugar was just slighly low and you should have the test redone when you get your thyroid checked again in two months…

that they aren’t worried but thought I should follow up with any one of the many doctors that I seem to have now that I am an old fart who requires a day-of-the-week pill container.

Well, when that happens you will feel stupid.

And then you will write in run-on sentences and switch your pronouns so fast you can’t really be sure if you are even talking about yourself any longer.

Then you (I) will need to go to the pantry to eat more Swedish fish. It is medically neccessary now I (you) think.

Posted by Chris @ 12:47 pm  

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  1. Lisa says:

    May I join your club? Recently I consulted with Dr Internet in the wee hours of the morning and was convinced I had early appendicitis. I sadly informed my husband and the whole family took me to the emergency room at 5am on a Sat morning. Oy. I did not have appendicitis but now I have a whopping bill for my short pointless visit to the ER. Dr Internet can really get you going.

  2. Karly says:

    Am I the only one in the world who has never heard of Swedish Fish? Must go google swedish fish.

  3. Susan says:

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one.

    I had to go on travel recently, and was convinced my plane would go down. The week prior to leaving/my death, I wrote all sorts of love notes to my kids and husband (in lunchboxes, homework folders, bathrooms, bedrooms, closet doors), sent e-mails to all, and was the nicest mother I’ve ever been in my 11 years of parenting. Before my plane took off, I was gracious enough to leave one last voicemail message on our home phone so they’d have that to remember me by.

    Needless to say you’re not alone.

    Oh, and welcome back to life! ;-)

  4. Karly says:

    I’m back. So, they’re just like gummi bears, but fish shaped? Is that what I’m seeing? I still don’t get whats so great about the Swedish Fish.

  5. Susan says:

    Oh, one last thing.

    You said this: “…mentally composing your obituary…”

    I’ve gone one step further.

    A year ago, when our entire family traveled across country (via plane, of course–my biggest fear), I e-mailed my best friend with an entire obituary I had written, complete with the most attractive photo of myself I could find. I told her to promise me she’d hold onto it forever.

    THAT is sick.

  6. MyDuckies says:

    There is SO much more to the fish… than just a gummy bear knock off. Little bits of chewy goodness…

    Chris, glad you’ll still be around to enjoy them. Until Dr Google convinces you otherwise!!

    BTW has Miles convinced you of his “need” for the medicinal Fish as well? Nothing heals a boo-boo better!!

  7. bgirl says:

    You (you) crack me up.

  8. Christie says:

    I read your blog every day, and always crack a smile or laugh. This was so funny to me - every time I go on a trip without my kids I compose my obit/goodbye letters to them. Then I come home and feel dumb for being so worried. I’ve also almost worked through my whole funeral before when I’ve been waiting for tests to come back…you’re not alone.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  9. JoAnn says:

    OMG!! You nailed it yet again!! That is soooo me! I am a major worrier and have diagnosed myself with many things over the years. And the plane thing- totally me. I’m starting love notes to my children soon as my husband and I are going on a long weekend to Mexico just the two of us. I want to go so bad- but OMG!! What if we crash????? It’s really kind of a hellish deal when you really think about it. I am glad things are okay- but oh honey, I can so relate:)

  10. Tamatha says:

    Swedish Fish are the sure answer for everything. But only when you stick with the red ones.

    Shouldn’t Dr’s offices know not to leave messages like that? Shouldn’t there be a class in med school about emotional well-being and how to achieve it, or, at the very least, how not to really skrew it up? It sounds like you’re batting 0 for 2 in the medical arena this week. The scarring from Ann Taylor Taylor probably put you right over the edge- better keep those Swedish Fish on tap. You should hide them around your house for emergencies.


  11. Kai says:

    Oh the evils of the web md sometimes. I’m on “symptom checker” at least once a day trying to figure out my aliment of the moment. Here’s hoping a swedish fish (or 10) a day keeps the dr. away!

  12. peepnroosmom says:

    I am in your club. I check Web MD alot. More than I should. Usually about the kids. Then I get a little crazy.

  13. Woman with Kids says:

    Dr. Internet is evil. He delights in diagnosing horrible rare diseases whose only bright side are that they might, someday, be a story line on House.

    And swedish fish are always medically necessary. Always.

  14. Danielle says:

    Here is a Haiku that I wrote titled

    Swedish Fish

    gummy little fish
    treasured since my childhood
    heaven in each bite.

    Dr. Internet is sadly just a little bit worse than what we could get with our last insurance. I always seemed to have the intern that consulted her palm pilot. She thought that I had Diptheria once. Long story, short. I just had a bad cold.

  15. Carola says:

    At least you got a phone call to worry about…I just got depressed this week and wrote a letter to the each of the people I love telling them things I don’t remember telling them in person yet…I thought I wouldn’t have the chance to do it…thank God I didn’t send them!

  16. Annie says:


    Swedish Fish ARE NOT like gummie bears (although I like those too). The outside is similar in texture and firmness to Ju Ju Fruits, but they do not tend to stick in your teeth. They are harder than gummis and you have to sink your teeth into them a with a bit of gusto to tear off their head or tail, depending upon which end you start. Then of course if you are trying to be steath, just shove the whole thing in at once. I have given this far too much thought, but I’m a gummi/hard candy junkie. Runts…those alway get stolen from the Halloween haul!

  17. Polly says:

    I am right there with you. I was especially bad when I went through fertility treatments 5 years ago. Imagine, regular paranoia mixed with lots of fertility drugs and hormones. I was love-er-ly I tell you. My husband was angry with me from sun up to sun down. But now, we have a 4.5 year old. So it was all worth it.
    I trust all will be ok. Keep us posted!

  18. Brigitte says:

    Even back in the old days, before the internet, I used to be regularly convinced I had the Reader’s Digest rare disease of the month . .

    I hate that the doctors always tell me they’ll only contact me if there’s something to worry about, but then you’re left hanging. A week goes by, two, three . . . is it time to stop worrying yet? Did your test results ever come in? Who knows!

  19. Elizabeth says:

    My SIL is way too dependent on Dr. Internet. Her teenage son told her his leg felt “funny”, and now she is convinced he has a connective tissue disorder that will eventually lead to him having a stroke. I’ve learned to just listen to her phone calls and say “uh huh, uh huh, hmmm”. Glad you are okay!

  20. Holli Smith says:

    I’m glad you’re okay! I couldn’t live w/o yet! Who then would make me laugh?

  21. MyMomtra says:

    You are so funny. I have to say that the swedish fish at my grocery store, in bulk, are the best I’ve ever had. My husband and I are addicted and can’t buy too many because regardless how many are in the bag…it’s a one sitting adventure.

    Also, check out this chandalier made entirely of Gummy Bears. http://www.makezine.com/blog/archive/2007/03/gummy_bear_chandelier.html
    I first found it from Dooce’s Links at http://www.dooce.com/links/archives.html

  22. cce says:

    Did my own href-”www.madmarriage.com”>send up of beware the ides of March last week. ‘Cept mine was about neurosis of a different sort. But paralyzing worry over one’s imminent death isn’t so different than paralyzing OCD that make a day’s work out of washing the dog.
    Love the Ann Taylor bit yesterday, can’t wait to see the first victim who actually walks around in those things this Spring.

  23. cce says:

    Sorry, my attempt to ad a link in last post failed, anyway, my very own Beware the Ides of March can be consulted at: http://www.madmarriage.com

  24. Joy H says:

    Hope the fish cured your worries. Is it a Mom thing or do all women do this random ‘if you give a mouse a cookie’ worrying?

  25. Rachel Briggs says:

    Oh, this is so me. I am so convinced everything is a sign of something. I can so relate to Polly’s comment - just downing on those IVF drugs right now, Polly… “I must keep off the internet, I must keep off the internet, I must…”