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two is terrific… for driving you crazy

two is terrific… for driving you crazy

April 12, 2007

In the past two days my two year old, Miles, has:

pulled every single book out of our highly organized bookcases

and then danced on them

emptied an entire bottle of lotion onto his head, where he worked it into a frothy lather

picked the head off of every flower that was beginning to bloom in the front yard

colored “tattoos” with green marker all over his body

emptied a different bottle of lotion on the carpet in my bedroom

went into the pantry and got out a box of Nutrigrain bars, and then squeezed them all into mush while attempting to open them

learned how to both unlock and open the outside doors to the house

learned how to open, but apparently not close, the refrigerator

And all of these things have happened while I was actively supervising or momentarily distracted. I should be fired.

But since that can’t happen.

I need a cage. Some leg shackles to slow him down.

And a shock collar used to train dogs would be helpful too.

Posted by Chris @ 11:16 am  

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  1. Scout's Honor says:

    My eldest took a gallon of cranberry juice at age 2 and slammed it so forcefully on our living room coffee table that there was red juice dripping on the ceiling. It was like a scene from poltergesist. He also managed to poof baby powder inside the VCR.

    Then my youngest at age two took an entire Costco sized bottle of baby shampoo and dumped it at the top landing of our stairs. Everytime I would clean those carpets or even vaccum, it would foam up for MONTHS.

    Two year old boys are the most destructive forces on the planet. They should bottle it and use it against terrorists. Then there would be peace on earth–at least for the mothers.

  2. Tricia says:

    …and a velcro suit with a padded room- stick him up and he can’t get down!

  3. Jen says:

    I feel your pain.

  4. Erika says:

    JUst get a dog crate… they work for me :0 j/l. ok not really, but my kids put themselves in there.. you know.. for fun ;)

  5. liza says:

    My nephew threw THREE cell phones in the toilet. And one in a glass of water at age two.

    Now that he’s three he likes to pee in the bathroom trash can–which has a washable liner. So that’s nice

  6. Gretchen says:

    I’m so with you there, too. Levi is very, um, imaginative! LOL He gets into so much the other boys never did. Just chant with me, “this too shall pass … this too shall pass … this too shall pass …” Oh, and I was thinking duct tape and a closet… J/K!!!

  7. MyDuckies says:

    Duct tape. Not just for home (and vehicle) ‘improvements’ anymore.

    Just kidding. Really. I’d never DREAM of actually duct taping one, or more of mine to the ceiling. It would be hard to get all the tape residue off the walls. Darn it!!

    They say we’ll miss the 2’s when they are older. I am still waiting.

    Have a great day!

  8. inthefastlane says:

    my youngest (22 months) is very good at finding these things too. We have to be habitual door lockers. And part of my freakish cleaning obsession has to do with making sure that everything is out of his reach (which is getting higher and higher).

  9. Jen3 @ amazing trips says:

    I hear you >>> times three.

    Last week - when I was home alone, taking a shower before (I thought) my 2-year olds were awake, my trio escaped from their cribs.

    I watched helplessly - from the shower - with a hair fully lathered in shampoo and one leg shaved, while a lone toddler tried to flush my keys down the toilet. Jumping out of the shower, I heard the other two in the kitchen. They broke in to our child-proof pantry and dumped a 3-pound bag of rice all over the floor.

    If I could have started drinking immediately, I would have. The fact that it was 6 AM wouldn’t have stopped me …. the fact that I’m 7-months pregnant did.

  10. Christina says:

    My baby turns two on Saturday and today I just looked at him (while he was ripping apart the entire contents of his closet, very quietly of course) and thought “Wow, I love you but you are driving me to drink!” So, where can I get that drink??

  11. AngelGypsy says:

    I too feel your pain. My son is 2 1/2. His favorite pastime is dragging EVERY. SINGLE. TOY. out of whatever containment I’ve managed to get it into and scatter it into a dense carpeting of toys in my tiny livingroom.

    Then he likes to turn all his food into crumbs that must be mashed into the carpet and couch.

    The funny part is he acts surprised EVERY TIME he either trips on something or bangs his head against something in one of his regular temper tantrums. Like he didn’t expect it to be in his way. How can he miss it?


  12. Brigitte says:

    Check out http://www.babycage.net, it’s hilarious (at least I HOPE they’re just kidding) . .

  13. thordora says:

    My two year old has been a force to be reckoned with lately, so I feel your pain. It’s made worse by the fact that my first born was NOT like this at all…

  14. MamaMaven says:

    I really feel bad for you because at my house 3 was much, much worse for both of my kids than 2. I summed it up as no more impulse control and a much greater ability to tell me all about it. My mother poo-poo’d the theory, until she’d had the older one for a few days and called to tell me I was right–a historic moment!

  15. maggie says:

    I’m with Tricia - velcro sounds good. This too shall pass.

  16. carrien says:

    Duct tape worked for me. :) At least, that was the solution I fantasized about all the time; duct tape him to a post.

  17. terilynn says:

    Now that he’s learned that door thing, you should probably bury one of those shock cables around the perimeter of your yard to keep him in the vacinity. I’ve been tempted!!!

  18. Sara says:

    When my boys were two, we renamed them with the moniker “Destructo Boy”. Sounds a bit like a Batman villian doesn’t it?
    Oh–and everytime someone says “this too shall pass” I always add “like a kidney stone.”
    Still, it’s a good thing they’re cute when they’re little.

  19. Pia says:

    Gotta love the twos. My youngest is entering that terrific age next month, but is already very good with the tantrums, which is really funny when it is happening on the train in the morning when people are trying to work.

    She has this thing, that no magazines or newspapers should be on the table and does a very good job of sweeping the table clean with her arm - on the train.

    This morning a very distinguished looking older man very quickly had to remove his coffee, newspaper and banana for the Julie cleaning machine. I was there and I had just saved his coffee once when the Julie cleaning machine returned for seconds.

  20. The Wooden Porch says:

    Your comments are cracking me up!

  21. Staci says:

    I just ordered 3 of the cages from babycage.net and got a 10% discount. The big one should work perfect for the hubby when he’s out of line. :) hee hee

  22. jodi y. says:

    I’m with ya! I recently wrote this: http://www.jodiyork.com/2007/03/26/did-you-know/. Let me know if you find toddler sized shackles!

  23. Paulla says:

    Unbeknownst to me, my 18-month-old daughter, watched me shake a bottle of nail polish. Later, when I mistakenly left a bottle of nail polish on the coffee table with the top not screwed in (you know, for less than 5 seconds) she picked it up, shook it hard, and bright red polish flew all about the room.

    White carpet.

    It looked like someone had been stabbed - multiple times.

    Today she’s 14-years-old and a darling. I kept the coffee table that was never quite the same and we still laugh about it. :)

  24. Cheryl M. says:

    hmmm….maybe I won’t trade my mouthy 16 year old son for a 2 year old after-all….seems I’ve forgotten the two-year-old-terror-days…:)

  25. Carola says:

    so it gets worse?! I was hoping my 1-yr old would calm down as she grew older…

  26. Nicki says:

    My friend has a problem with marker “tattoos”. Her daughter often shows up at the house with lovely tattos all over. Oh, those lovely nights when daddy puts her to bed!!!

  27. Amy says:


    Maybe the folks are on to something with the duct tape idea.

  28. Kathleen says:

    Oooh yes, I’m glad I’m not the only one. Did he scrub lipstick into your carpet, “make pancakes” with food coloring all over the kitchen walls and floor, or pour a bottle of shampoo (full just from the store) down the toilet? Oh, that was my house. All while I was close by too. I guess I should be fired as well.

  29. Daisy says:

    Wow, so many talented toddlers out there! I (almost) miss that stage of life. Mine are teens, and their talents are not as cute. Mostly.

  30. Karen says:

    Totally counting the days to three, right along with you. *sigh*

  31. Danielle says:

    At least this will be your last two year old. Try to remember it that way.

  32. peepnroosmom says:

    “A frothy lather…” Ha! I laughed so hard at this. Sadly I know my day is coming very very near.

  33. Brandi says:

    My daughter, Abby, is just a few days older than Miles. We’re now eyeball-deep in “NO!” and “Abby do it!” land. The other day, she threw a fit the entire 20 minute drive home because I didn’t let her connect the chest part of the 5-point harness of her car seat. She was distracted by a cookie, so I thought it was safe to do it myself.

  34. Brandi says:

    Ok, I just went through the comments and Paulla’s made me remember something that happened a couple days ago. We were at a friend’s daughter’s 2-year-old birthday party. My friend has a split-level where it’s about 6 steps down to the playroom from the living room off the entry way. The moms were upstairs while the kids played downstairs. Anyway, another friend (who was closest to the stairs) looks down to check on the kids, and spots what looks like a nail polish bottle in Abby’s hands, so she asks them what it is. One of the older kids say, “No, it’s a plastic spoon.” No big deal, so we don’t go down to check. A few minutes later, Abby comes up to get some attention from me, and I immediately smell it.

    Yep, nail polish.

    It’s all crusty on her fingers, so I go investigate. I find 2 bottles down with all the toys, and a spot where she’d spilled some on the carpet. Luckily both bottles of polish were clear, and the spill was in a corner of the room that no one will notice and not nearly as bad I feared, so my friend didn’t kill me.

  35. Kristen says:

    Sister, I am feeling your pain. My next house will have a padded room. My 2 year old will manage to burn it down, but at least I’ll be trying.

    And thanks for not bringing it to my attention yesterday that I neglected (when commenting) to realize that with 2 in diapers, I’m wiping ass all day. I’m a quick one….

  36. Denise says:

    Yes, this too shall pass–another cliche, one day you’ll laugh about this. I remeber so many similar incidents when my now 25yr old son was 2. His sister (who is only 19 months older than him) was nowhere near the little one man demolition derby that he was…must be in the male genes. You do have one advantage that I didn’t have, with children nearing the teenage stage while still having toddlers around, you have a glimpse of the “teenage angst” yet to come and I know there will be times that you’ll long for the days when your oldest children were still two. Foolish me, I thought during my children’s toddler years, that my life would always entail everything in my house being sticky, never getting enough sleep, and never being able to go to the bathroom without an audience. I truly miss those days!!

  37. Sleeping Mommy says:

    We should get Miles and Ben together. Seriously, it’d be like Mission Impossible–Toddler style.

    I never truly understood the horror of the terrible twos until this one child. My first two were cake compared to him.

    With sympathy and empathy, because I so know where you are coming from.