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2007 May

I’ll be the pessimistic alzheimer’s patient

May 31, 2007

A couple days ago Rob emailed me a link to this story, knowing my love of diet coke. Sodium benzoate is found in many sodas as a preservative.

“[sodium benzoate has] the ability to cause severe damage to DNA in the mitochondria to the point that they totally inactivate it: they knock it out altogether.

“The mitochondria consumes the oxygen to give you energy and if you damage it - as happens in a number if diseased states - then the cell starts to malfunction very seriously. And there is a whole array of diseases that are now being tied to damage to this DNA - Parkinson’s and quite a lot of neuro-degenerative diseases, but above all the whole process of ageing.”

Then this morning I was reading news and came across this article The gist of the article is positive thinking keeps you young.

And that’s when I fully came to the realization that I am screwed.

Posted by Chris @ 8:10 am | 30 Comments  

perfect

May 30, 2007

The weather forecast for Nantucket this weekend. The place that I am going to be with my husband, children, and seven bicycles.

perfect vacation weather

I can’t wait. Seriously.

What could be more fun that being trapped in a hotel room for a long weekend with seven kids?

Well, yes an appendectomy would be more fun.

Yes, being crushed by falling boulders.

Okay, being stabbed repeatedly with a blunt knife.

Death.

But that’s it. NOTHING else could be more fun.

Posted by Chris @ 11:54 am | 34 Comments  

wistful longers club has adjourned, for now

May 29, 2007

You can’t always get what you want

but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.

new bike

No France, no crusty baquette, no flowing skirt or 18 yr old body.

But I got the basket.

Who knew that a seat carrying a toddler, wearing a Thomas the Tank Engine helmet, would be so much better than anything else I could have imagined. Except for the body of an 18 yr old.

Posted by Chris @ 5:15 pm | 31 Comments  

but it does involve being traumatized by a movie

May 28, 2007

I am sitting here at 10:00pm watching the movie Gremlins with my children. I have a list of things a mile long that I should be doing. And my children should most definitely be sleeping. But here we sit. The littlest ones fascinated by a movie much more scary than I remember. If I had remembered there is no way I would have ordered it from Netflix.

Miles is providing some much needed levity with his commentary. “Whoa, dat guy gwoss!” “Oh, him dead!” “So, toopid show.” “Bird Poop! Bird poop!” (this is what he says about anything spilled on the ground).

I am amazed at how much of this movie I had forgotten. I remember the “Don’t get them wet!” and “No feeding them after midnight!” but the rest is a complete blur.

Take for example Phoebe Cates telling the sad story of her father’s death. How did he die? He dressed up as Santa and tried to come down the chimney and broke his neck. They didn’t discover his body until it began to decay and smell. She left out the part of her story where she says he was an idiot or drunk, because who would think they would fit through a chimney? She ends the story by saying, “And that was how I found out there was no Santa Claus.”

I looked over at my children. My 8 yr old suddenly yelled, “What? There is no Santa Claus?”

Without missing a beat my 12 year old son said, “Hey, at least your story doesn’t involve a gruesome story of death.”

And let me tell you how much my daughter loved the final line of the movie. “There just might be a gremlin in your house.” Like she didn’t have enough to worry about in her life like bugs, ugly shoes, and open bedroom windows. Now she has gremlins added to the list.

Posted by Chris @ 10:37 pm | 36 Comments  

Almost embarrassed to admit this

May 27, 2007

Rob had to fax something for me on Friday. Why yes, I do have a fax machine of my own. But no, I have no idea how to work it. Yes, I could read the manual again and tinker with it again.

But I have more important things to do with my time like, um, surf the internet and eat my body weight in candy. Oh yeah, and raise them there children. It’s so much simpler to feign ignorance and have my husband do it.

I got it ready for him before he left for work. I looked around my “desk” (ironic quotes) and found a phone number written down on a yellow sticky pad. I didn’t really give it much thought as I tore the page off the pad, stuck it on my papers and handed it to him.

When Rob came home Friday night he said that the fax wouldn’t go through. Something he thought was rather strange, but I just just shrugged. Welcome to my world.

He gave me the fax and told me to email the person and ask if I had written the number down incorrectly.

He also thought it was strange that the phone number was an 866 number. I just shrugged again. Nothing is surprising in my world.

Tonight I was cleaning up my “desk” (ironic quotes) and came across the fax and suddenly it hit me. I must have written this phone number down for one of my kids.

1-866-436-5701 or perhaps you are more familiar with 1-866-IDOLS-01.

Yes, I had a fax sent to American Idol.

Are you really surprised now that I don’t know how to work my fax machine?

Posted by Chris @ 10:01 pm | 17 Comments  

spreading good cheer

May 25, 2007

I am not sure if I have mentioned it here before, but Miles has decided that he is the neighborhood greeter. Whenever anyone drives by he screams, “HELLO!” and waves frantically. Then he screams, “BYE!” All while running through the front yard toward the street. In the evening when people are coming home from work, his little legs get quite a workout.

He also does this to people who are riding bicycles, jogging, or the poor unfortunate souls who are just trying to take a peaceful walk. He screams, “HELLO! HELLO! HELLO! HI! HI! HI! HELLO!” until they reach the 3/4 mark and then he begins biding them farewell. “BYE! BYE! BYE!” I am sure it is the longest 350ft or so of their entire walk.

Most people shout hello back to him. Not that it matters much because responding to him does not make him stop. They usually will laugh while I give them an exaggerated shrug, because I can’t make him stop either.

The people who don’t say anything back to him are probably whispering to each other through their gritted teeth, “Don’t encourage him.” Either that or they of spawns of Satan himself because how can you look at such a cute toddler and not even wave. Oh wait, probably the man who walks his dog without a leash and let’s him crap in everyone else’s yard probably wouldn’t wave either.

So Miles continues to be the neighborhood greeter, though now he has a new passion for trucks.

Whenever a truck, or something even remotely truck-like, drives by he must run across the yard screaming his heartfelt greeting.

Only, being a toddler, he can not pronounce truck properly.

You know where this is going, don’t you? I should probably just end it here. Before I admit that I laugh every single time.

People in my neighborhood are now being greeted with, “FUCK! FUCK! HELLO! FUCKALLO! FUCKALLO!”

And then “FUCK-A-BYE! FUCK-A-BYE!” as they drive off.

I never realized just how many people drive trucks, jeeps, and SUVs.

Posted by Chris @ 11:25 pm | 59 Comments  

skies of blue and clouds of white…

May 24, 2007

sitting on the dock at the lake

…what a wonderful world.

(Notice how Miles has his name tag on his back. He wouldn’t keep it on the front of his shirt. I told everyone it was so if I saw a small child floating in the lake I’d be able to determine if the child belonged to me before I dove in and got wet. No one thought it was as funny as I did. Go figure.)

Posted by Chris @ 11:38 pm | 46 Comments  

Impotent tivo

My children and I have watched American Idol all season. Never missing a show.

Loving tivo in a way that is probably illegal in most states.

Last night when we were, where else, at baseball games past 7:30pm, no one was upset. “We have our bitch tivo at home,” we reassured each other. We were happy.

When we were eating dinner at 8:30pm, we excitedly talked about watching American Idol, speculating on who would win. A family divided. So we did what any good American family would do, we placed bets.

It was close to 9:30 when we sat down to watch.

We fast forwarded through all the commercials, except for the Idol commercial of course.

I answered questions for the kids like, “Who is that old guy?”

We were watching the part where the top 10 (?, ok you caught me I only half pay attention) were singing when suddenly it stopped. And on the bottom of the screen it asked if we wanted to delete this recording.

Delete?

And the children who don’t really have a firm grasp of how tivo works screamed things like, “FAST FORWARD!!” or “PUSH LIVE TV!!!” Oh the yelling, the writhing on the floor, the rending of clothing, the swearing (oh wait, that last one was me)

Yes, we spent the entire season meticulously recording every episode only to miss the last 5 minutes. All that foreplay leading up to this.

It’s like when we were forced to watch the movie Citizen Kane in a college film class and leaving the room to use the bathroom only to miss the final scene. Everyone tells you it is the sled, but you can’t help thinking it must have been more dramatic to witness the revelation yourself.

At least I got $10 out of it.

Edited to add:

Turns out that I am not alone.

Posted by Chris @ 9:06 am | 45 Comments  

titles are good

May 23, 2007

Recently Rob’s muffler fell off his car, the car that just won’t die. We have been looking half-heartedly for a new car for him for probably a year. We keep thinking that the car isn’t going to last much longer, and yet it keeps on surprising us by lasting another month.

We bought it new about 12 years ago and with all the hellish commutes that Rob has enjoyed over the years, it has about a million miles on it.

You can’t lock the car doors because then you won’t be able to get back into the car unless you open the trunk and crawl through the drop down arm rest in the back seat. Why yes, I have had to do it before.

The speakers in the front don’t work, so when you listen to the radio (or tape deck) you have to turn it up really loud and the children in the back seat usually complain about that.

The paint job has been marred by a certain unnamed child who drew on it with rocks and another unnamed child who rode their bicycle along side the car and scratched the length with their handlebar.

I have no idea where I was going with all of this. Except to give an explanation of why someone would not immediately rush out and have their muffler fixed.

As you can imagine, not having a muffler makes his car very, VERY loud.

Now whenever we are outside and a truck drives by a neighboring street, or a motorcycle drives by the house, or even if a neighbor starts up their lawnmower, Miles runs through the front yard screaming, “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!”

Sometimes I feel like we should be living in a trailer park somewhere instead.

Posted by Chris @ 8:39 am | 30 Comments  

It’s like the army over here

May 22, 2007

Do more by 6:00am than most people do, or even want to do, all day. Isn’t that the quote more or less?

I remember watching those commercials designed to encourage people to join the army and thinking, wow that sounds like it sucks. Do more than most people do all day is the main selling point of joining? Unless they let you have a margarita or two with lunch and a long afternoon siesta. Which if they do, it should definitely be featured more prominently in their advertising.

On the one hand, getting shot at and possibly killed. On the other hand, daily margaritas followed by an afternoon siesta.

At 1:00am I put my book down next to my bed, turned off my light, and settled down under the covers to sleep.

It is now 5:45am. A truly ungodly hour here at my house.

I have been up since 4:00am when my coughing, sniffling, tossing and turning, you-will-feel-my-pain-too daughter climbed into my bed.

At 4:30 I got tired of laying in bed listening to my daughter cough beside me, wishing in vain for sleep to come and got up for the day.

Since then, I have:

I tucked my daughter into a nest of blankets on the couch.
Forced her to take some cough medicine.
Washed my face when she coughed half the medicine back at me.
Put on the Peter Pan dvd.
Made a different child go back to bed after they heard me in the hallway outside their bedroom door and decided that in spite of the dark it was time to get up for the day.
Reset the coffee pot to brew NOW.
Put a load of laundry into the washing machine.
Folded a load of dry laundry.
Watched the sun rise.
Drank two cups of coffee.
Composed a grocery list.
Asked my daughter for the hundredth time if she would just like to close. her. eyes.
Realize it is going to be a LONG day.
Pour third cup of coffee.
Resolve to further investigate the margarita thing with the army… surely it isn’t too late for a career change.

Posted by Chris @ 5:45 am | 39 Comments