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2007 May

it’s always funny at first

May 10, 2007

This morning Miles stood on my case of diet coke and got into the junk drawer. The drawer that is a black hole sucking everything that has no permanent home in a 5 mile radius into it’s dark abyss. Broken crayons, lost buttons, plastic things that people swear belong to some game I don’t think we have ever owned, small notepads with most of the pages used up, bits of string… all of these things call this drawer home.

Way in the back was one of those blue bulb baby snot suckers.

Miles pulled it out and used it on himself a few times. He threw it down to floor and laughed after every time. A far different reaction than I got from him when I would try to use it. Let’s just say there was never any laughing involved. On his part.

After a couple of minutes he decided to share the fun. He slowly went around the house and stuck it into the noses of his unsuspecting siblings. Who all loudly screamed their displeasure.

I laughed from the other room.

That is until I heard Miles exclaim, “Yummy!”

Then I threw up a little in my mouth.

Posted by Chris @ 10:09 am | 37 Comments  

thank goodness we have an 11 year old to take care of us

May 9, 2007

Rob and I were sitting in the family room tonight. Eating jellybeans (me), “working” on the computer (me), ironing (him), watching basketball (him), and complaining about allergies while rubbing my eyes until they oozed out of their sockets in a slimy pool (uh, me).

Basically we were acting like the responsible grow-ups that we are.

Suddenly my 11 yr old son comes storming into the room.

“Do you smell that?!?” he yelled at us. His hands on his skinny little hips.

“Uh, no. I don’t think so.” I answered.

“You put your dinner in the oven and left it in there! It is all burnt up!” he yelled some more.

“Oh, wow. We totally forgot.” I explained to him.

“That’s dangerous. That’s why timers were invented.” he scolded some more.

“I’m sorry.”

“I already took it out of the oven. You might want to wash it before it sticks on that pan forever,” he scolded one last time. And then with a shake of his head he departed back up to bed.

I looked over at Rob. “Man, I half expected him to ground us.”

Posted by Chris @ 11:23 pm | 37 Comments  

Companies that do it right*

May 8, 2007

I wrote briefly about my Old Navy experience. I fully intended to write about it in more detail, but frankly at this point my rancor and hostility have dissipated. They did me a favor by not honoring the stupid stuff a bag sale thing. Because I had over $500 worth of merchandise on the counter in their store and did not need half of it. Their loss, my gain.

The week of my daughter’s birthday I bought her the sneakers with laces that she needed from my favorite store zappos.

Sneakers...with laces

A week later I got this handmade card in the mail from the woman who took my order at zappos.

Birthday card

How nice is that? Rob, ever the cynic, said that they sent me the card because I have bought no less than 30 pair of shoes from them this year. And while that may be true, I have always had a positive experience with this company. Always. Customer service is a dying art (hello, Old Navy) and when you you find a company that knows how to do it right it makes them stand our even more.

I love zappos as much as I love my shoes.

*I want to make sure that it is known that I am not paid for writing this about zappos. It is my honest opinion. I want to sit in a tree with zappos, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Wearing my leopard print Steve Madden wedges.

Posted by Chris @ 11:18 pm | 40 Comments  

will work for toys

Posted by Chris @ 7:33 am | 27 Comments  

I wish I had some good news (Update below)

May 7, 2007

I know many of you have asked that I keep you updated on Heather’s progress.

She had surgery on Thursday and the tumor that was removed was as long as a dollar bill. This weekend every time I handled money I thought of Heather. Have you held a dollar bill up to your head? I couldn’t help but think of how miraculous it is that someone could have the skill to cut open a brain and remove something that large.

I thought, really thought, I would have some great news to share.

Cancer. Three to Five years.

So unfair.


Here is a link to the most recent update written by Heather’s husband.

Posted by Chris @ 10:03 am | 18 Comments  

hope triumphs over experience

My wise friend Grace said this once.

She was talking about second marriages. But I find the wisdom applies to many many different situations– second marriages, voting for presidential candidates, buying generic diapers, and the purchase of plants.

I went to the nursery this weekend, and in a moment of hopeful optimism, bought many plants. Both to be planted outside and to be ignored until they shrivel and die lovingly tended to inside the house.

When Rob saw the new houseplants I bought, and the wonderful pots I also bought to put the plants in, he said, “Please tell me these are fake.”


This past weekend I started weeding the flower border that lines our driveway. The problem is that I really have no idea what is a weed and what is a flower. So I just sort of pull things out of the ground that don’t look like they are doing anything. But at this point in the season nothing is really doing anything yet. I fear that next month when things really start to bloom I will have a wonderful border full of dandelions and crab grass. Although Rob probably fears it more.

My husband love to garden. He lovingly tends to the flowers and plants in our yard. It pains him greatly when I refer to plants as disposable decorations. I buy plants at the nursery based on their colorfulness, though in recent years I have learned to read the labels so I don’t buy a shade loving plant and plant it on the surface of the sun that is my front yard.

Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t have the time to take care of all the flowers and plants the way that he would like. And so the bulk of the task has fallen to me. Saturday I let the children pick out some flowers they liked. Then I allowed them to plant the flowers in the front border by themselves.

Rob came home and stood there, biting his lip, literally. Finally, he could take it no longer. He began to wildly gesticulate and said, “What were you thinking here? What was your plan?”

“My plan was to plant the flowers in the dirt.” And here I thought it seemed so obvious.


I try to be understanding, I really do. As understanding as a person can be when a grown man is having a hissy fit over flowers, which is not very.

I imagine the pain he feels looking at our mismatched flowers sticking out of the ground all willy-nilly, is akin to the pain I felt when he brought home a serving platter in the shape of a fish. From the dump. And thought that it was the best thing ever.

And I said, “I hope you are joking. What do you plan to do with that?” I also might have had a few more choice words sprinkled in there like GARBAGE! Are you CRAZY? and Over my dead body! But we don’t need to discuss those.

He had looked at me like I was the crazy one and said, “I plan to use it as a serving platter. After I wash it of course.”

Oh, wash it! Yes that will certainly take the tacky right off.

Posted by Chris @ 8:26 am | 11 Comments  

It only took 15 birthdays with him for me to get smart

May 5, 2007

Date: Fri, 4 May 2007 05:52:06 -0700 (PDT)
From: “chris jordan”

Subject: My present
To: robxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxx

I LOVE what you bought me for my birthday.
thank you. thank you. thank you

I will gush appropriately tonight

love ya



Date: Fri, 4 May 2007 06:04:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: “robxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxx”

Subject: Re: My present
To: “chris jordan”

I am so happy that you like it.

I am thoughtful like that.


PS- Will you tell me what lovely present I bought you? That way I will have an idea of how enthusiastically I will be thanked.

PSS- I’m a little frightened.


My family is going to attempt to make me a gluten free, egg free, dairy free cake for my birthday today. Sounds… tasty?

Posted by Chris @ 8:35 am | 60 Comments  

children, garbage, and bears…oh my

May 4, 2007

Last night about midnight Rob called to me from the kitchen. I ran over and looked out the window and saw the HUGEST BEAR I have ever seen in my entire life. It was twice the size of the two bears we saw in our yard the previous night. The bears which previously held the title of hugest bears I have ever seen in my life.

It was right there looking at me from the driveway. I tried to take a photo. Just for all of you. I even opened the door and stuck my hand outside holding the camera. But it was too dark, even with the flash. And this big bear was more skittish the smaller, and most likely younger, bears. As soon as she saw my camera she backed away and then left.

We have taken all the precautions that everyone has mentioned, short of sitting on the roof with rifles. The bird feeders have all been cleaned out and put away for the season, which pains my children. They love sitting at the breakfast table and seeing what birds have come to the feeder.

The garbage is secured inside of my van. Yes in the back of my van. Mmmmmmm. What smells better than garbage baking in a 120 degree van. Nothing, that’s what! Can’t wait to ride in there!

We really don’t have any other immediate garbage storage options. I think I am going to go buy a garbage shed of some sort this weekend.

The kids are really tired of picking up garbage from our yard and the neighbors yard. All my attempts to make it seem like a fun game have failed miserably. “Hey, I know! Let’s pretend you are prisoners on a work release detail. And I will be the prison guard and throw this pointy stick at you if you fail to do you job properly. What? What do you mean that doesn’t sound fun?”

Sheesh. So unadventurous.

Posted by Chris @ 11:21 pm | 26 Comments  

My new favorite magazine…

May 3, 2007

Oh, look Diana on the cover...

A few months ago I got an email from someone at Good Housekeeping magazine. I really doubted it it was the magazine. Who did I think it was, I don’t know maybe some elaborate identity stealing spam. Because I am nothing if not trusting of human kind.

I had to sign a contract. And email my photo. And all sorts of other things that normal people would probably assume meant these people were legitimate. Yet in the back of my mind I still had a teeny bit of doubt. Perhaps it was really Mr Jim Mambo from Nigeria realizing no one was falling for his inheritance scheme. Far fetched, perhaps.

But today the magazine arrived in my mailbox.

Waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy in the back of the magazine, where the coupons and ads are, on page 189.


Guess what everyone on my Christmas list is getting this year? That’s right, a subscription to Good Housekeeping. I am sure my children will LOVE a subscription of their very own.

Also, the title is Trash Talk. It really is about trash –as in garbage. Not tawdry pillow talk.

Unless people out there have some sort of fetish that involves talking about actual garbage in bed and I am just living my sheltered life. Judging from the spam mail and spam comments that I receive daily, it wouldn’t surprise me.

So excuse me while I run around and shove the magazine into the face of everyone I know. And then throw up. Because OHMYGOD people I know might be reading now.

Posted by Chris @ 11:14 pm | 81 Comments  

chasing a dream


Doesn’t everyone wear a faux fur trimmed pink dress and black patent leather party shoes for field day? In 75 degree weather?

I decided this morning it wasn’t worth the argument.

Posted by Chris @ 3:33 pm | 21 Comments