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Colonoscopys, Endoscopys, and Poop. Oh My!

Colonoscopys, Endoscopys, and Poop. Oh My!

May 28, 2008

Yesterday was the ASS CAM day. And as promised I did get to keep my socks and comfortable shoes on. But nothing else. Except for the the big old gown that ties in the back, unless you weigh less than 500lbs, then you can wrap it around your body and tuck it under your arms to hold it shut while you waddle down the hall pushing your iv pole to the procedure room.

I have to say that all the anxiety I had leading up this was for naught. Nothing about the procedure, or the prep leading up to it, was as bad as I had imagined. Yes, the drink that… umm… moved things along the day before, tasted bad. It wasn’t that bad. For anyone who needs to have a colonoscopy or endoscopy done and has been putting it off out of fear, I want to tell you to just do it.

For people who don’t want to read about the procedure, or my poop, I will tell you that both tests came out perfectly normal. No tumors, polyps, growths, or gerbils of any kind living in there. The best news, other than that, was the doctor telling me that I don’t have to have it done again until I turn 50, which is eleven years away. If only pap smears needed to be done with that sort of regularity.

This post is wayyyyy long, so I have used the dreaded more tag. I know. I apologize.

My doctor had not given me any special eating restrictions for the days leading up the procedures. Other people I know were told to eat lightly. Knowing that it takes about three days for things to move through the body, I decided to follow the eating lightly advice. My reasoning…what would you rather have shooting out of your butt, before it is fully digested, with the force of Mt Vesuvius, plain white rice or spicy grilled spare ribs? Yeah, I thought so.

So day three and day two before the procedures I ate boring easily digested food, like plain grilled chicken, boring white rice, etc. The day before the procedure was the day of only clear liquids. I mostly drank water and gingerale. I was fine until about 3:00 when I was starving. STARVING. And the entire neighborhood smelled like grilled meat.

At 5:00 I had to start drinking MoviPrep, or MoviPoop as I liked to call it. This coincided perfectly with dinner time at my house. I retired to my room with my MoviPoop, a few bottles of gingerale, and laptop.

A funny side story, my daughter upon hearing that I was in my room asked, “Is she pooping in her bed?” Why, yes, isn’t that what we do all the time? My husband assured her that no, I would walk over to the ensuite bathroom.

Between 5 and 6pm I drank 32oz of the drink, which tasted like soapy salt water. Then at 7pm I had to drink 16 oz more. The 7pm drinking was the toughest because the solution was not as cold and trust me when I tell you that stuff NEEDS to be cold.

Rob considerately made the kids dinner out on the grill and fed them outside. I could see them out of my bedroom window and was a little sad no to be down there with them. Then he brought them over to the firepit where they roasted marshmallows and made smores. But by then the MoviPoop was living up to its name.

Even so it was not as bad as I thought it would be. It didn’t hurt. I didn’t have stomach cramps. And at one point I marveled at the colon cleaning powers of the MoviPrep because when the hell was the last time I ate corn? I honestly can not remember.

Around 8:00pm the kids came upstairs to see what I was doing and to take showers. I was sitting in my bed with my laptop. Does it make you feel special that I was probably reading your blog in between sprints to the toilet? My youngest two had marshmallow stuck all over their faces and in my hunger I was half tempted to gnaw their cheeks right off.

This was also about the time when my 9 yr old ran headlong into the handle of the lawn mower and broke his nose. Which I will tell you now there is nothing that can be done for it other than save up for that rhinoplasty when he stops growing. Unless he grows to love the bump on his nose. But I got to spend time googling things like broken nose, can a broken nose kill you, broken nose + dying in your sleep. And that kept me occupied for a good long while. In case you are wondering, it is now two days later and he is still alive. Albeit with a swollen nose and black eyes. He also says that it doesn’t hurt unless I am squeezing it. SO PLEASE STOP SQUEEZING IT ALREADY!

Okay, so where was I? Ah yes, the toilet.

By 10pm things had pretty much stopped moving along. I had read about people spending hours just sitting on the toilet with books and televisions. But that was NOT my experience at all. I attribute this to eating lightly for the two previous days. I decided to just go to bed because I was hungry.

I set my alarm for 3:00am. YES, the ungodly hour of 3:00am. To get up and drink the last 16oz of the MoviPrep. The last 16oz needs to be drunk 5 hours before the procedure, and since my appointment was for 8:00am, I had to get up at 3:00am.

The later in the day the procedure is, the longer that you will have to fast. I preferred to get it all over with at once. 3:00am makes it feel like it is just one day of drinking only liquids and MoviPrep, I think having to drag it over to the next afternoon would have made it seem worse.

I arrived at the out patient clinic on time. Had my clothes off and IV in by 8:30am. The nurses and doctors there were great. When I was laying in the bed before the doctor came in the stereo system started playing some song that I didn’t recognize and couldn’t hear very well other than the refrain of “La la la la lala la la” The nurse and I both started laughing.

You might be laying here wearing only shoes, about to have a camera shoved up your ass, but there will be happy music!

The doctor came in and we talked for a minute and I signed another consent form. Then the nurse told me to think happy thoughts and pushed the drugs into my IV. Then I fell into a blissful sleep, completely unaware.

The very next thing I remember was the nurse telling me to wake up. The doctor came in a few minutes later and told me that everything was normal.

He had taken a bunch of biopsies and those results would be back in about 10 days. Biopsies for what? I really have no idea other than Celiac and HPylori. And really I don’t want to know. DO YOU HEAR THAT PEOPLE? PLEASE STOP WITH THE EMAILS ABOUT YOUR COUSIN’S, NEIGHBOR’S, BROTHER’S FRIEND, I AM A DELICATE FLOWER WITH MELODRAMATIC TENDENCIES WHO ALREADY ABUSES DR. GOOGLE.

I am far too busy to spend the next ten days googling every rare disease or ailment that exists. I have found out that I do not have the rare cancer, or any other cancer, that the other doctor suspected and really, that is the best news.

Posted by Chris @ 10:34 am  

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