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Treading Water

Treading Water

June 18, 2008

I have a million different things I could write about. Baseball championships, a birthday, home renovations that are taking place at warp speed, never ending doctor and dentist appointments that stack on top of each other, the garden the kids have planted, an exciting project I am working on, and other potentially good things that I am not allowed to talk about yet. Don’t you hate when people do that? tell you that they have something exciting going on, but that they CAN NOT TELL YOU?

I do. And yet, here I am doing it anyway.

Monday, I was at my regular general practitioner, the vanilla ice cream of doctors, where I was proclaimed in perfect health. Though she did suggest that I gain weight. Which, what the hell? Because according to her “chart” I was underweight. I grabbed the roll of fat around my middle and showed it to her, because apparently it missed the memo.

Yesterday morning at 8:00am I got a phone call from my GI doctor’s office. All the tests I had done came back normal, except two. They are markers for a specific kind of tumor. I need to go for a CT scan. Soon. Like tomorrow morning. If that doesn’t make a lump catch in your throat I don’t know what does.

On the one hand, it is nice to finally have a doctor who finally is doing something, even if it means doing scary tests and looking for rare, life threatening illnesses. On the other hand, it would be much nicer to hear, “Your are in perfect health! Go forth and live to 90 years old.”

So now I sit here and look over my to do list and fell paralyzed. I mean if I am dying (yes, I KNOW I have a touch of the melodrama) will I really care if my walls aren’t painted. Wouldn’t I rather have spent that time gazing with misty eyes at my spawn, you know while they try to win the bicker marathon contest? What you haven’t heard of it? Well, it exists and my children are poised to take the gold. I am so proud. Or else helping my 9 yr old memorize his multiplication tables so that when I am gone and he has to go to school people won’t talk bad about me.

My email box is filled to the brim with emails I should answer but am ignoring instead.

Because honestly, I DO NOT WANT TO SIT IN ON A PHONE CALL WITH SOME PSUEDO FAMOUS PERSON WITH AN AGENDA THEY ARE PROMOTING JUST SO I CAN BLOG ABOUT IT. PR people still haven’t gotten a clue it seems, since one called me on the PHONE yesterday to ask me why I hadn’t responded to their exciting email invitation to talk on the phone. (Let that sink in a moment… called me on the phone) And then seemed honestly shocked when I politely said that I was not interested. When pressed I finally said, “Um, because I don’t want to?”

So if I owe you an email, I am probably not going to get around to it. Ever. I’d like to say that I will, but that would be a lie. But I did read it. And I appreciate the time you took to write it.

I find myself in this place where if you were to call me up (um, please don’t) and ask how I am or what we are up to, I would answer with a generic “good” and “nothing” Not because either of those are necessarily true, but because I can’t even put any of it into words. At least not words that can fully encompass everything.

Posted by Chris @ 12:19 pm  

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Comments

  1. Jen says:

    Wow, not much to say to all that except we’ll be sending “negative test result” and positive thoughts your way. And my kids would totally trounce yours in the bicker contest. Although, since I have fewer maybe they’d just run a close second.

  2. Stephanie says:

    Hang in there, Chris. Even though you feel like you are just holding on by a thread, you have a huge support system of real and pseudo friends (all of us) behind you who are right here, holding you up.

  3. Debbie says:

    The test results are probably nothing but I am putting you on my prayer lists and your whole family! Your so positive and even make a scary phone call into a touch of humor for us to read. TAKE CARE and go eat something really fattening! I bet so many of us wish we were underweight.

  4. Jaime says:

    Chris-
    I have read your blog for the last two years and have came to love your family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am praying that everything comes out fine.
    Many hugs
    Jaime

  5. Sarah Coyne says:

    Staring at your spawn is the perfect thing to do right now…forget about multiplication…who needs that anyway!? And I think rooting for the underdog in the bicker contest is the way to go.

  6. Katie says:

    Oh crikey! I had a lump in my throat as I read that to. I’m hoping it turns out ok for you.

  7. Iver Jane says:

    I appreciate you sharing this insight. I used to work for PR using blogs (my boss thought she had stumbled on a unique idea) and I tried to tell her “bloggers are busy!”

    She couldn’t believe that they actually are busy people.

  8. Annette says:

    Not knowing can be very mentally consuming and exhausting. I can totally relate; waiting here too. And the multiplication tables…don’t get me started. Go stare at your spawn, or better yet, hold the ones you can in your lap and enjoy the day. Oh, and read Psalm 91. Or more. Encourages me greatly, hope it will do the same for you.

  9. nancy alvarez says:

    Sending good vibes and healing your way buddy, my best to you and yours!

  10. peepnroosmom says:

    Hang in there. All of your blog readers are thinking about you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I can relate with the scary test thing. I have had a few of those myself.

  11. melissa6 says:

    no,no,no….My delightful spawn would definately win any bickering contest…as for all the other stuff….hang in there darlin,i’m thinking about ya xxxxxxxxx

  12. Fabs says:

    Chris,

    I hope everything turns out well for you. Your fans and blogger friends are sending positive energy and good wishes! Hang in there, you are such a great person and a wonderful mom!

  13. Jane says:

    I pray that everything comes back perfectly normal!
    I enjoy reading about your family.

    Hang in there and I agree with eating something rich and gooey!

  14. Mary O says:

    I wish you the best with these darn tests. I’ll be sending good thoughts your way.

  15. deb says:

    I hope only good news comes back. As for the rest of the day to day crap, it’ll wait. And breathe.

  16. Trudie says:

    Oh Chris…. Hug your kids, watch them bicker and make the most out of every day. My thoughts are with you since I’m well acquainted with the feelings coursing through you. I too was on the skinny side and the doctors kept on saying it was OK, until an X-Ray revealed the true state. This was a little over 7 months ago, and I doing fine now.

  17. Marie says:

    Chris,I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  18. whoorl says:

    Sending vibes of the best variety your way, Chris. xo

  19. J from Ireland says:

    Hey, you poor thing, positive thoughts and prayers coming to you from over here. Best wishes.

  20. jen says:

    Fingers, toes and everything crossed.

  21. emily says:

    I will be thinking of you tomorrow morning. I hope that soon you get a phone call from ALL the doctors saying, “you’re in perfect health - except go out and eat a little more delicious food - you need it!”

  22. Natalie says:

    I vote for staring at the spawn with misty eyes. Then when the bickering starts again, you can go from misty-eyed to dagger-eyed as quickly as you need to. Sending good thoughts. . .

  23. Paula says:

    I am rarely a poster - you are in my thoughts, as well as your family.

  24. gorillabuns says:

    How about texting you well wishes? oh, forget it, who am I kidding. My phone is dead.

  25. Hoosiermama says:

    Sending good thoughts and best wishes your way :)

  26. Rocks In My Dryer says:

    Hang in there. Boundaries are GOOD.

    Hoping all is well.

  27. Irma says:

    Long time Lurker here….Only good thoughts to you and yours. Remember that knowledge is power, and no matter what the result of the test is, well, it’ll be knowledge. (That probably sounds lame but that’s only because of my poor communication skills, I assure you.) Knowing what you are facing — or being able to cross something off of your list — is a step in the right direction.

  28. Lilly says:

    Well, that is the most intriguing post I’ve read in a long time! I’m sending positive thoughts your way for the medical stuff although I’ll bet you are in perfect health ..but it’s good to check everything out anyway. And here’s hoping that you’ll be able to share the mysteries alluded to here someday soon. You have beautiful spawn to gaze upon by the way.

  29. crockpot lady says:

    I’m thinking of you—and you are way better than any pseudo celebrity. you are the real thing.

    everything will be okay. it really will. I promise.

    xoxo
    steph

  30. Sue says:

    OK- this is great that you are so proactive with your health - seriously. You sound like you have terrific doctors. I’m sure it will all be fine- just don’t leap to any conclusions yet, OK? (breast cancer survivor myself- I know what your brain is doing now). We’re all sending you positive prayers. :)

  31. sherry says:

    I’m a regular reader and rare commenter but I wanted to say that I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

  32. Tiffany says:

    I so very much hear you about emails ( I have 702 in there right now) and about the phone (my friends say I never answer).And I am not awaiting tests or results. I am just a mom and a woman living life and writing about it sometimes. I am not famous as you are. So I am sending you bloggy lovin and best wishes for whatever the good thing is to be miniscule in comparison to the wonderful results you hear back on your tests.Call me a pseudo friend if ya want. Maybe I am since I am only a Virtual Friend. But still. Know I am thinking of you. Life just never does turn out how we expect does it? That’s why I say I Had A Tiara…

    Please let us know as soon as you know anything. T~

  33. Erika says:

    Sending positive karma and a whole mess of prayers your way :)

  34. Renee says:

    Wow. My face went numb just reading about your waiting game. I also have seven children, the same ages as yours, and I am going to gaze at them right now. Praying for peace…

  35. Leeann says:

    Chris,

    I would be totally freaked out too. I am laying bets on it being nothing at all but even so, I’ll be lifting you up in prayer today and tomorrow. I know there are more important things but when you get a chance to let your blog buddies know how you are, we’d appreciate it!

    xo,
    Leeann
    niccofive.blogspot.com

  36. Susan says:

    Sending (((HUGS))) and good thoughts to you, Chris.

  37. Carolynn from Western Australia says:

    Chris, what can I say. My thoughts are with you as you go to have your CT scan and hope all goes well. You have so many fiends out here in the Cyber World supporting you.

    Take Care
    Lots of Love Carolynn xxxx :-)

  38. Isabel Kallman says:

    thinking of you.

  39. Maggie says:

    I am wishing you all the best.

  40. maddy says:

    Sending positive vibes your way.

  41. Victoria says:

    Oh sweetheart. Hugs and love and hugs and love and hugs and a martini. Well, I’ll send the things I can.

  42. elizabeth says:

    lump in MY throat! You are (all) in my thoughts (and truth be told - prayers tonight, but I might not remember tomorrow as I have a postpartum brain - which means none…) Indeed, we ARE here for you!

  43. Tania says:

    My thoughts are with you too. Just spend a quiet day with your family and let them spoil you with love. Perhaps you could have a card writing day where everyone makes cards for their siblings (and their mother) stating at least one nice thing they like about the other person. A nice positive activity for everyone. Then you can paste them up all over the walls and obsessively read them when the bickering becomes too much :)

  44. Not June Cleaver says:

    Chris, just remember to use Dr. Google as a way to be an informed patient and not paranoid!

    Sending healthy vibes your way. Take care of yourself first, then your family, then everything else. And keep up your sense of humor because it seems no matter how bad what your are saying is, you seem to make me laugh at some point. Laughter is the key to health (in my humble opinion).

  45. Jaime says:

    I still say everything is going to turn out negative. I KNOW it will. ;)

  46. Jaime says:

    Negative tests I mean. Not negative outlook!

  47. Patti says:

    Oh the waiting period sucks sooooooo bad. In some ways, I think that the fear of the unknown is WAY worse than when you atually know what’s up. I’m thinking of you and hoping for the absolute best for you.

  48. judi says:

    try not to jump to the worst conclusions.
    and here’s hoping that all further tests go well.

  49. Jennifer says:

    Whoa. That is scary. I hope it’s nothing. I hope you are in perfectly perfect health. I will be thinking of you until you post your negative result so we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

    This post reminded me of the way your posts used to be, except the tumor reference, which took me awhile to get through so that I could continue reading the rest. Shit. I hope it’s nothing and you get back to those exciting projects as soon as the test results are in.

  50. Brigitte says:

    I know you’ll feel like you are “on hold” until this is resolved. While you are on hold, you may as well gaze upon your spawn (maybe while wearing a cranked up ipod, so you can’t hear the bickering so much). Good luck this morning.

  51. Shannon says:

    Hang in there!!!!

  52. Corina says:

    You are in my thoughts. Just hit select all then delete to your inbox. You will be glad that you did.

  53. Jana Goodwin says:

    Chris,

    Even though we’ve never met, I feel like I know you so well from reading your column for the past couple of years…I look forward to reading it every morning. I hope you realize how much everyone out in the “blogesphere” is praying that you hear good news very soon and that you will be celebrate the great news with something completely chocolate and decadent!

  54. Ruth H says:

    Chris, I know you realize you are going to be on prayer lists, world wide! My sisters, children nieces and nephews are going to be sending that list around! Many of them are daily readers, Teresa, Patty, time to get busy sending those lists around.
    But concern from the doctors can sometimes be only that, good luck on your tests.

  55. Carolyn says:

    I’m pretty sure somewhere in Ecclesiastes there’s a verse that says…A time to weep, A time to laugh…and I think there is another little known verse that says…A time to ignore all the pesky emails asking me questions I don’t have the time nor the inclination to answer. So, fall back on that and you’re golden.

    Prayers for you and your family that everything comes up negative and you’re back in the saddle quickly, regaling us with episodes of your spawn’s lives that have us alternately laugh til we POP or misty eyed with emotion. In the mean time…grab ahold of any life preserver thrown to you. Treading water can be tiresome.

  56. Camilla says:

    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, and i think i can understand the way you’re feeling - it’s that ‘rabbit in headlights’ kind of calm and un-reactive feeling, while all the time the adrenaline is going crazy. I hope it eases, let us know how things go if you feel able to. :)

  57. kelly says:

    (i haven’t read all of the other comments, so forgive if i repeat)

    i get it.

    i am going today (like, leaving after i type this) for a PET scan to determine whether i continue with chemo, or take a break.

    tumors suck.

    i hope yours are nothing. but i am also hoping for answers to your symptoms. it’s frustrating to have them say it’s nothing when you know it has to be something.

    telling you not to worry won’t make you not worry, and it won’t effect the results of your test(s).

    waiting for the results is the hardest part. especially if you have to wait over a weekend.

    i get it.

    hang in there, and enjoy your spawn!

  58. Cara says:

    Good for you - standing firm on the fact that you don’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want to. I vote for painting the walls, though, because I bet the tangible accomplishment would feel good at the end of the day. And then you have an excuse to order pizza and watch the kids’ dances of delight.

  59. Hazel says:

    Prayers going up for you. Take care.

  60. halloweenlover says:

    Negative, negative, negative.

    I’ll be thinking about you and sending healthy vibes your way.

  61. Katie in MA says:

    Oh, Chris. Know what you should do? Screw the tests, screw the doctors, screw the waiting. Go do something really fun, something that you’ve never done before, and take the kidlets with you. And maybe even the hubs. You know, to pay for stuff. Oh, and for spontaneous massages.

    Hang in there, kiddo. We’re all here for you.

  62. Celine says:

    Praying for you Chris.

  63. Lisa says:

    You and your family are in my prayer for sure! I enjoy your website so much and hang in there……..I know you must be scared :( I’ll keep you in my thoughts!

  64. hollygee says:

    Good luck and if we emailed you, we know you appreciate it without having to answer. We’re good that way. If we really needed your attention, we would go through Mir or Susan ;-)

  65. Nicole says:

    Oh, god, Chris. I’m…speechless. I just sent healing energy and prayers your way. I hope you felt them.

  66. Cary says:

    On the positive side, growths in the colon etc. area are supposed to be very easy to treat and take years to progress into anything extreme. I hope everything is fine, and maybe this will answer some of your other health questions you have been having. Big Hugs.

  67. Clare says:

    I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, considering I have never met you, but I noticed you haven’t posted for over a week and I hope you are ok.
    You are in my thoughts, hope all is well.