There is Always Something to Laugh About
June 19, 2008
When I was at the doctor’s office and she had a form she was filling out and was asking asking me five million questions, among them:
“Are you pregnant?”
“Hell, no I am not.”
“Are you sure you aren’t pregnant?”
“Yes, very sure.”
“What sort of birth control are you using that you are sure?”
“My husband had the Big V a couple of years ago.”
“Are you dating?”
“Um, no my husband generally is not to fond of me dating other men.”
And then at that moment she looked up from her paper and looked at me quizzically. And I looked at her.
“I said, ‘Any babies?’ Meaning, are you nursing any babies.”
“Hahaha I thought you were asking if we were swingers. I sort of wondered if this was so common that now you routinely asked people that or if I just looked like the swinging type.”
Afterward I was wondering what would have transpired had I said, “Why yes, I date all the time!”
At the radiologist’s office today I went into the bathroom and they gave me a pair of hospital pants to put on. This morning when I was getting dressed I realized that I own NO pants that don’t have snaps, zippers, or something metal on them. My husband tried to convince me that I could wear my pajama bottoms. But, oh hell no, I do not wear pajamas out in public.
While I was in there getting changed the tech said something to my husband and he calls through the door, “Take off your underwear and bra.”
I hear the tech correct him and say, “No, I said underwire bra.”
He responds, “That’s what I said, underwear… bra.”
She corrects him, “No, WIRE. UnderWIRE bra.”
He says through the door, “Oh something called underwire bra.” Then I hear him say to her, “What is that?”
As she uncomfortably began to explain lingerie to my husband I called through the door, “It is a kind of bra that women who actually have boobs wear.”
The CT scan went fine. I am now an expert on drinking large volumes of disgustingly flavored liquid. Bring on Survivor, except for the athletic competitions.
I won’t have any results for 24-48 hours and since that would be the weekend, I probably will not know anything until Monday. The radiology tech was not able to say anything. Rob thinks everything was fine because she smiled at him. But he had no answer for when I asked what he would expect her to do if someone was riddled with tumors. Glare at the person? Give the person pitying looks? Slip a brochure for funeral homes into his hand?
She told me that the drink will probably make my poop white. Is it weird that my first thought was, ‘Wow, the boys will think that is so cool.’
I have been completely blown away by all of the kind emails and comments. Really. Especially the people who preface the email with, “You don’t have to email back.”
When I got home today there was a message on my voice mail from a friend I have not talked to in over a year. The time stamp on the call said 11:00am, the exact time that my appointment was. She is very, very religious (probably the reason we have drifted apart) and I believe the exact message she left was, “Jesus put you in my heart this morning and after I prayed for you I decided to pick up the phone and see how you are doing. Blah, blah, blah. Call me soon.” Maybe I am taking some liberties with the blah, blah, blah part of the conversation.
Insert the Twilight Zone music here. Really if God is just trying to get my attention I think he should have just set a talking bush on fire in my front lawn. I guarantee I would have paid more attention to that than the ASSCAM.