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There is Always Something to Laugh About

There is Always Something to Laugh About

June 19, 2008

When I was at the doctor’s office and she had a form she was filling out and was asking asking me five million questions, among them:

“Are you pregnant?”
“Hell, no I am not.”

“Are you sure you aren’t pregnant?”
“Yes, very sure.”

“What sort of birth control are you using that you are sure?”
“My husband had the Big V a couple of years ago.”

“Are you dating?”
“Um, no my husband generally is not to fond of me dating other men.”

And then at that moment she looked up from her paper and looked at me quizzically. And I looked at her.

“I said, ‘Any babies?’ Meaning, are you nursing any babies.”
“Hahaha I thought you were asking if we were swingers. I sort of wondered if this was so common that now you routinely asked people that or if I just looked like the swinging type.”

Afterward I was wondering what would have transpired had I said, “Why yes, I date all the time!”

*****
At the radiologist’s office today I went into the bathroom and they gave me a pair of hospital pants to put on. This morning when I was getting dressed I realized that I own NO pants that don’t have snaps, zippers, or something metal on them. My husband tried to convince me that I could wear my pajama bottoms. But, oh hell no, I do not wear pajamas out in public.

While I was in there getting changed the tech said something to my husband and he calls through the door, “Take off your underwear and bra.”

I hear the tech correct him and say, “No, I said underwire bra.”

He responds, “That’s what I said, underwear… bra.”

She corrects him, “No, WIRE. UnderWIRE bra.”

He says through the door, “Oh something called underwire bra.” Then I hear him say to her, “What is that?”

As she uncomfortably began to explain lingerie to my husband I called through the door, “It is a kind of bra that women who actually have boobs wear.”

*****

The CT scan went fine. I am now an expert on drinking large volumes of disgustingly flavored liquid. Bring on Survivor, except for the athletic competitions.

I won’t have any results for 24-48 hours and since that would be the weekend, I probably will not know anything until Monday. The radiology tech was not able to say anything. Rob thinks everything was fine because she smiled at him. But he had no answer for when I asked what he would expect her to do if someone was riddled with tumors. Glare at the person? Give the person pitying looks? Slip a brochure for funeral homes into his hand?

She told me that the drink will probably make my poop white. Is it weird that my first thought was, ‘Wow, the boys will think that is so cool.’

*****

I have been completely blown away by all of the kind emails and comments. Really. Especially the people who preface the email with, “You don’t have to email back.”

When I got home today there was a message on my voice mail from a friend I have not talked to in over a year. The time stamp on the call said 11:00am, the exact time that my appointment was. She is very, very religious (probably the reason we have drifted apart) and I believe the exact message she left was, “Jesus put you in my heart this morning and after I prayed for you I decided to pick up the phone and see how you are doing. Blah, blah, blah. Call me soon.” Maybe I am taking some liberties with the blah, blah, blah part of the conversation.

Insert the Twilight Zone music here. Really if God is just trying to get my attention I think he should have just set a talking bush on fire in my front lawn. I guarantee I would have paid more attention to that than the ASSCAM.

Posted by Chris @ 3:06 pm  

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Comments

  1. wookie says:

    Take heart… the alternative to drinking the gross fluid was to have it go into the GI tract from the opposite direction.

    Good luck, try to relax as much as you can on the weekend. Waiting for test results really, really sucks.

  2. Maria says:

    sending good thoughts and the blah blah blah. Hope all is fine and this is just some needless scare. I hate it when people say it’s going to be okay - b/c well - it just might not be - but well - it’s going to be okay;) will watch for good news

  3. Jen says:

    Sending prayers your way…Hubby has Crohn’s so we’re ever so familiar with CT’s, Colonoscopies, Ass Cam’s and the like…white poop…kinda cool I guess.

  4. Amy says:

    He doesn’t work the fear angle. That’s not his thing. Love is his thing and what youre dealing with isn’t from God. HOOOLY ROOOOOLLLLER Hallalueagh. The way I spelled that looks more like a sound you’d make if you were puking a lung, but you know what I meant. I’m praying for you too.

  5. Kaye says:

    Hi. I know it is no coincidence that your friend called at the exact time that your appointment was. God is very real and often works that way. It’s truly awesome and He is truly life-changing!

    I love your blog, by the way.

  6. suburbancorrespondent says:

    That’s funny - my husband doesn’t like it when I date, either.

  7. SoMo says:

    You mean the nurse did thoughtfully mix whatever that death liquid is with Crystal Light. I cheated, I dumped half of the second drink down the drain. I swear it knocked me to my knees trying to drink it. Also, I wanted to punch the nurse when she said, “Oh I mixed it with Crystal Light, so it doesn’t taste too bad.” My GOD woman, what is bad in your book?

    Hope things are okay. They still can’t tell me whats wrong, but I figure I am still here so it can’t be that bad. *shrugs*

  8. Suburban Turmoil says:

    I’ve been thinking of you all day. Thanks for checking in.

    I had my CT scan a few years ago on a Thursday and didn’t hear anything back until late Monday. I freaked out all weekend, thinking the results were bad and they were trying to give me one last “good weekend” with my family. When I finally talked to the nurse on Monday afternoon, she said the results were perfectly normal and I told her I thought they had taken so long to get back to me because there was bad news. She said, “Oh no, when it’s bad news, they call you immediately. When it’s good news, you go to the bottom of the pile.” If you have to wait all weekend, I hope this little story makes the waiting easier. :)

  9. Lisa says:

    I have been reading your blog for several years. I think you write beautifully and your humor allows me to enjoy my children more - Thank you. I hope all turns out well with your tests. You and your family are in my thoughts. Stay strong and positive.

  10. ella says:

    Since I’ve had boys, I’ve become much more in tune with how they think. So, yeah, I’m with you on the white poop thing.

    Wishing you all the best with the results of the scan.

  11. Lisa says:

    He says through the door, “Oh something called underwire bra.” Then I hear him say to her, “What is that?”

    As she uncomfortably began to explain lingerie to my husband I called through the door, “It is a kind of bra that women who actually have boobs wear.”

    This is truly priceless…. has to be the funniest thing I have heard in a long time! Thanks for the laugh and hope your tests all come out okay.

  12. Gem says:

    Am reading avidly and thinking of you but didn’t comment so far as I felt I would be intruding when I don’t normally say anything. However now see that the comments help. So, thinking of you, am quietly very confident that all will be fine. Be nice to yourself over the weekend, but maybe stay clear of the swingers!

  13. Heather's Garden says:

    If I wanted Jesus to put me somewhere it would be Hawaii — with 10 million tax-free dollars. I figure that’s about what you need to retire in style these days.

  14. michele says:

    You are holding up your sense of humor - that will help get you thru for sure! Who knows about God, sometimes it takes a 2×4 to get my attention. I might see the burning bush and just yell to the kids, “grab the hot dogs and marshmellows” !!

  15. Carolynn from Western Australia says:

    I love your sense of humour, I come here everyday sometimes a couple or so times a day just incase you have had something else to add. I do so hope you will get nothing but good news when you get the results. Am thinking of you and your family.

    Take Care and enjoy each day.
    Lots of Love Carolynn xxx :-)

  16. Susan says:

    That’s amazing you would get that message at that precise moment. I have goosebumps. I know you’re not a firm believer, but I bet you are thinking twice now, huh? :) Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

  17. threeundertwo says:

    I have to smile, that even through this difficult time you’re writing really funny stuff. What do husbands know of underwire bras?

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  18. Norma says:

    Chris I hope all the tests you have been taking will be nothing more than just a big ole pain in the butt! I internet love you and your family and wish you nothing but the best. Take care.

  19. MetroDad says:

    Hoping that everything turns out just fine. I’d pray for you but I’m mostly agnostic these days and I’m not sure how much good with you. How about I just send over some positive vibes.

    White poop? Cool.

  20. Brigitte says:

    Too funny that your husband didn’t know what an underwire bra is!

    Crossing my fingers and holding my breath (at least in my head) for you until you hear the results.

  21. Victoria says:

    All sorts of good thoughts and love being sent your way.

    And, thanks for sharing the humour you find in these situations. “Underwear and bra” is going to keep me smiling for the rest of the day.

    Be well.

  22. subguy says:

    If the lord wants my attention, it better be something unsubtle like a talking, burning bush. DON’T MAKE ME WONDER.

  23. CaliforniaGrammy says:

    No underwire bra in your drawer? Hilarious, thanks for the good laugh. I hope all goes well with the test results and that you can have a margarita or two over the weekend so you just don’t think about those tests until Monday.

  24. kat says:

    waiting sucks! i hope all is well. you & your white poop are in my thoughts.

  25. kellie says:

    Keeping you in our thoughts.

  26. Alissa says:

    i’d give anything for some white poo. thinking of you!

  27. Liz says:

    Sending you hugs and tumor-free thoughts.

  28. Annette says:

    I think the burning bushes in 2008 come in the form of CT scans or in my case ultrasounds. It’s probably not to contribute to environmental issues :). Anyway, He has my attention. Blah, blah, blah, praying for you too.

  29. Beth says:

    You were on my mind today. Even after a very nice long conversation tonight with my husband after he worked a ridiculous 16 hr day, I HAD to check your blog before I went to bed to see how your tests went. (We were both giggling over the under wear/wire bra thing.)

    You’re on my prayer list for patience, peace, and great results on Monday!

  30. Dan says:

    I’ll pray for you too! Awesome that you got that message. I wish they were always that clear.

    As for the CT, you can call the hospital and ask them to read you or fax you the radiologist’s report. It’s likely been read already - or will be first thing in the morning. It’s YOUR report. You and your insurance paid A LOT for it. You’re entitled to know what it says right away. The bad thing about that is if you don’t feel super confident interpreting the report yourself.

  31. Kirsetin says:

    Yep, my husband wouldn’t recognize “underwire bra” either, unless he’s been snooping in his sister’s dresser.

    Watch out for that burning bush and all the best for Monday!

  32. Mary W says:

    So did your poop turn white?

    Prayers for you

  33. Joy H says:

    I hope you patted your hubby on the head when you walked past him. Poor sheltered soul.

    I hope your test results are clear and that you are done with nasty drinks for a long while.

  34. Kim says:

    Hi, Chris - Yep, no reply needed here either =) Just wanted to wish you the very best. Your blog is one of my top three favorites (I *heart* Miles like the rest of the Internet!) The best, best story was the Jesus Christ bathroom story - “No, it’s me, Miles”. That still makes me laugh =) Here’s to as much of a relaxing weekend as possible!

    Take care,
    Kim

  35. Lisa says:

    I’m glad your test went well today……I agree with the other post…….if it is bad news, they generally call you very quickly, and I’m speaking from experience(x2)! I hope all is well and you still have such an awesome sense of humor…….Take care!

  36. Trudie says:

    There must be a special place in Purgatory for the people who flavor medicines and the like! The stuff they use to numb your throat with has the taste of banana marshmallows, before tomography they make you drink a liter of licorice-tasting liquid!
    I won’t offer up prayers for you, but you and your family are in my thoughts. Take heart in that you have to wait for the answers til after the weekend!

  37. Annette says:

    Yeah, what the other Annette said, except my burning bush is in the form of unexplained (as yet)pain and my daughter’s very real pain. I trust God completely, but His ways sometimes stump me. Sola Deo Gloria. Praying for you too.

  38. julie@love,laughter&laundry says:

    Thinking and praying for you.

  39. Jennifer says:

    I think I’ve had that same test. The poop was, indeed, white. Or whitish gray. And HUGE. Just a head’s up. Your boys will be impressed.

  40. Shannon says:

    Sorry you have to wait so long to get the results. Hilarious about the underwire bra!!!!!

  41. Tranny Head says:

    Also thinking about you, here . .. . I know it’s so hard to wait for test results.

    And I’m sure your boys will think white poop is the coolest thing in the world.

  42. Wicked Stepmom says:

    You know, I bet teh internetz would like the white poop thing too.

    Just sayin’.

  43. Joann says:

    Hang in there. Hopefully the worst is over.
    Try to enjoy the week-end. I hate waiting for test results.
    Well @ least you have your family to keep you bizzie.
    You will be in my prayers.

  44. Sue says:

    Sending good vibes your way, and don’t forgot to blog about the white poop. :)

  45. Missy says:

    Dating while married = Good for what ails you!

    Thinking HEALTHY thoughts. I know sometimes, when something is wrong with us/our bodies/our health, we’d welcome a diagnosis of some horrible thing just to freaking KNOW what is wrong, and then to make a plan to fix it! The not-knowing is incredibly hard.

    Prayers being said - I’m not a religious person, but it can’t hurt.

  46. Becky says:

    Ugh, my dad had to drink tons of gross stuff when he was getting MRIs all the time… that’s half the battle I think.
    Thinking about you!
    :) becky
    http://stinkylemsky.typepad.com/

  47. elizabeth says:

    I’ve been through a few interesting medical things in my life - but I’d like to take a pass (heh!) on the whole poop/white or not - thing!

    Good to know my hub is not the only one clueless about bras - my husband calls them breast holders ::sigh::

    Couldn’t get to my google reader so am behind (heh - am I continually giggling at poop type references - am I the mother of all boys!? - yep!) on your writing - but SO happy to hear all of this is behind you…okay going off to much needed sleep NOW.

    HUG!!!