Vote Here
August 6, 2008
My husband and I have been having a knock down, drag out fight, heated debate discussion about allowing kids to go to a playground or park unsupervised to play.
I am not going to tell you what side of I am on, until after the poll. But I want to clarify:
We are talking about your average suburbs. Not going to meet friends for a scheduled activity. We are talking solely getting on a bike and riding over to a local park or playground to play with no adult accountable.
So after asking everyone I know personally, people who agree my husband is crazy, I am throwing it out to all of you.
Posted by Chris @ 9:12 am
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Wow - we talk about stuff like that a lot around here and our kid is barely 3!! My husband and I both agree that it obviously depends on the kid and how far away the park is, etc…We say 10 but since we don’t have a kid that old yet, we’re throwing it out there weakly. We’ll be watching to see what others say!!
August 6th, 2008 at 9:21 amI don’t have a cut-and-dry system. Because of some of the special needs and behavioral issues we have in our home, I base stuff like that SOLELY on my level of trust in the child, and how they can handle themselves.
First, I never let any of them go to the playground alone - period - have to have a buddy (and my oldest is 12). Second, just because you have a buddy lined up, doesn’t mean you get to go. You have to run the combination past me. You know what I mean - while one pair may rock the Casbah together (the ride there on bikes, playing together, actually leaving on time, the ride home, etc.), there are other combos that will self-combust in a matter of seconds (that goes for siblings and friends).
I have a 9-year-old that can go with any of his older siblings. I have another soon-to-be 9-year-old that simply can’t. It would not be pretty.
I have a 5-year-old that I will not allow to go with any older siblings - because at some point the police will be called. However, some of my kids would have done just find tagging along with a responsible, older sibling at that age.
Long story longer - I don’t have a cut-and-dry approach.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:28 amFor me distance would be a factor and major roads crossed. I’m also a huge fan of the buddy/sibling system, not a problem in our families.
I voted 10-11. I currently let my 11 and almost 10 year olds ride their bikes around the neighborhood by themselves. They check in every half hour and the most of the time I can see them (love our flat area and spaced houses). I also know the majority of the neighbors already , which is no small feat considering we moved here less than 2 months ago.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:32 amI was not blessed with children so I can’t answer honestly. I do know that I baby-sat for infants when I was 13 years old, also at the same age I went to Cape May as a “mother’s helper” to assist my aunt and 4 cousins (boys, ages 8, 6, 4 & 2) & and baby-sat the four boys when my aunt & uncle went out at night.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:32 amMy husband and I have these type of “discussions” all the time regarding our 8 year old daughter. My husband remembers riding around our (very small) town on his bike during the summer at the same time of night I require our daughter to be tucked into bed. I am trying to relax and trust her alittle more, but it’s hard, I know. We live in a very small town now, and I have been known to let her stay home by herself occasionally while running to the grocery store etc. I think it all really depends on the maturity of the kid.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:33 amMy older kids were always in charge of the younger in situations like this. So I have no problem with a 7-9 yr old going along IF there is a RESPONSIBLE 12 or 13 yr old going. It seems the oldest child usually has an inborn sense of responsibility for the little ones, the middle children usually not so good at watching the little ones.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:40 amSo how long do we have to wait to find out what side of crazy your husband is on?
August 6th, 2008 at 9:42 amI know it all depends on the area that you live in, the proximity of the park, and the overall safety of the park equipment itself, but still ….. the is one way that kids can have a sense of “freedom” and still be within some safe boundaries. Maybe spend a bit of time at the park with the kids that are asking to go there, see what type of activities they will be able to participate in, and then let them be. I too struggled with this, plus the fact that we moved a lot when our kids were younger. Seemed like there was always a new park to investigate - and the kids now tell me that was one of the best parts of moving - checking out the new park and/or pool, and getting to know the kids that were there!! I say - let them go!
August 6th, 2008 at 9:43 amI know that some kids are ready at 7 or 8 but as a mom I feel that you can never be too careful.
From nine to five (and in between blog catch-ups) I am a parenting professional and we are supposed to say 12 years old is the minimum for unsupervised time. BUT, when I was 12 I was unsupervised so I was smoking weed and drinking and hanging out with boys. No one ever thought to supervise me because I was a straight A kid in school and I was relatively good at home, but only when someone was there to watch me.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:44 amMy fondest childhood memories are of cruising around my suburban hometown on my bike, going to the candy store, the playground, the creek behind the library…..I was 10 when my Dad took me on a test ride where I showed I knew traffic rules and was strong enough to ride 5 miles. After that, I was let go. I think it was really, really good for my personal development!
August 6th, 2008 at 9:51 amI’ve had this conversation with countless friends—when I was a kid (in the 70’s)my best friend and I would ride our bikes for 5-6 large city blocks, to a public park and university campus, across busy 4-lane streets and be gone for hours—girls, starting at the age of 8. I think my mom was more concerned that I knew how to get there and home than anything else.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:54 amI wouldn’t dream of letting my 12 year-old son cruise a college campus or large public park now…what happened?
My sister and I were playing in the park unsupervised at age 8 & 6 in central London - we went on the tube by ourselves at age 9 & 7. I’d say that was possibly pushing the boundaries, but your kids sound sensible. I think a bunch of them together would be safe as houses, and have the advantage of numbers and a familial responsibility.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:55 amWe have this same problem. We do let our 9 year old ride his bike to the park that is in our sub-division if he has friends that he can go with. We also make him take a long range walkie talkie with him and wear a watch so he knows how long he can stay. Still I worry every single time I let him go and I’m the one who pushed for him to be able to go. It’s sad to think our kids can’t enjoy the same freedoms we did as kids.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:56 amI can’t even start to choose one of these options… where’s the “I don’t want to think about it” option?
August 6th, 2008 at 10:08 amI would let maybe 6 and ups go if the big boys are going, too.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:10 amQuestions:
August 6th, 2008 at 10:18 am1. Going in a group of siblings or going alone?
2. Do they have a cell phone?
3. Age of oldest child or age of youngest child, if going in a sibling group?
We have recently started to allow our kids to go to the park and pool alone, provided they have a buddy. They are nine, ten, and twelve, and the facilities are 1/2 mile away.
If you would have asked me last year I might have voted never.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:18 amHave, your husband read about the recent case in Texas, the man they just executed. He and his buddies raped and murdered two young girls. They cut across a park on their way home. I realize this is an extreme case and not the norm of park activity. However, it can happen!Also, anymore, little boys are more at risk then little girls. Also, your kids are so cute they would be noticed.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:19 amI don’t think I would let them go alone, but if there were other kids I think around 10 is fine.
I let my 8 year old ride his bike to school. Every mom in the neighborhood thinks I’m insane. I also let him go to sleep away camp this summer. Again, they think I am crazy.
But I use it to my advantage. I tell my son that no other mom lets their kids do this. So, so me how responsible you are and prove them wrong. LOL The psychology of it all has worked so far.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:21 amI’m curious what he thought was the best age.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:31 amMy vote was 8-9, but it depends on a lot of factors: Are they alone or with friends (alone would be older)? Does the child or friend of cell phones? Is this a park where there are normally other adults or a school ground that is pretty empty of supervision? I let me 8-9 yo daughter go to one park by our house if she is with friends, but there is another park I would never let her go to.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:35 amI let my daughter go to our local park by herself this summer at the age of 9 - but only with another friend. No adult supervision, but not totally alone. And she has a specific time that she has to come back and check in.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:41 amI said 12-13 yrs old. That just seems like a better age of size and “should” be an age of better desision making. Mine are only 3 and 8 and I can’t imagine letting them go!
August 6th, 2008 at 10:42 amI have let my 12 - 13 year olds do this, but I’m big on going in pairs. And since I had my kids in pairs (2 boys, then 2 girls, not twins but close together) this works out well for us.
I feel a lot better knowing that if someone gets hurt, or needs to be tattled on :o) there is someone around to do it.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:42 amI remember being about 7 or 8 when I was allowed to go out around the neighborhood on my own. We lived in the turbo suburbs for a while where everyone knew each other, so my mom always felt safe that a neighbor would be near enough to help out if something happened.
Peace.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:45 amI once cut my foot really badly on some broken glass & a neighbor brought me home.
It all depends on the neighborhood, the traffic, the people, the maturity of the child & the other kids they are hanging out with I suppose.
When I was about 5 or 6 I was walking to school on my own, but only because it was two blocks from our home, and the only road I had to cross had a friendly crossing guard to help us across.
I hope you guys can come to an agreement of some kind!
I let my three girls, and my nephew, go up to the school playground without me. The oldest is 10.
They have rules though:
They use the restroom right before they leave.
No matter what friends they encounter up there, the older two have a commitment to keeping an eye on the little ones.
If one has to come home (for the bathroom, for an injury, for a drink, bored) they all come home.
They wear a watch and come home by the designated time.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:48 amI’m sorry, Chris, it’s still too variable an issue to vote on. My kids are allowed out to the tot lot in our neighborhood and they are allowed to run all around the grounds, so long as they aren’t alone, from age 4 on up. But that’s right in my neighborhood, with other people I know at home, so I feel that there are a few pairs of eyes watching or ears listening from the houses. On the other hand, are you suggesting, say, half a mile down the street? More? Is the park in a secluded area or surrounded by houses? We have a playground half a mile down the road, next to a neighborhood pool and some townhouses; but I’d say the minimum age I’d allow my kids to bike down there would be 10 or 11 (and only if they are with a friend). The personality of the child also matters - are they assertive, or are they the shy type (like mine) that makes an easy victim? So many factors to consider! It’s a shame we have to be so careful. My 11-year-old likes to help me at our community garden plot (across the road from the aforementioned playground); but I can’t let him go by himself, because it is positioned so that it is completely invisible from the road and is backed by woods.
Gender matters, too! We let our oldest (boy) bike everywhere from the age of 12 on. Our daughter? Age 14 and very trepidatiously (if that’s a word) on our part (and we prefer that she go with a friend)…Our oldest takes a bus and train into the city to take an Arabic course at age 16. He returns around 9:30 or 10 at night. We would never allow our daughter to do the same at that age.
Getting the picture?
August 6th, 2008 at 10:50 amI was reading an article yesterday about how we as moms are too protective of our children at least in comparison to our moms. Basically it stated that we are the cause of too much TV because if we are unable to go with them we don’t let them go. I say our mother’s were too trusting and naive and let us do too much unsupervised. Added to that, I think the same bad things happened when we were kids, the media just didn’t care as much. so it wasn’t heard about as often.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:51 amGee. Was I long-winded enough, or what?
August 6th, 2008 at 10:51 amDepends on too many things. One kid alone? Pretty darn old. Two kids? Responsible/cautious kids who aren’t likely to find trouble? Kids who are likely to find the highest point of the playground and crash from there? Older kids with younger kids? Likely to be a nuisance to other people on the playground (knocking over little kids, playing “inappropriately” on baby equipment, etc., swearing)?
It just so depends on the kids, the park, etc.
I used to let my kids go down the street (urban residential) and play with friends on the friends less traveled street or on the school’s yard. I would (unbeknownst to them) wander down the few blocks very 20 or so minutes…just to make sure they were still there, there weren’t murderous screams or anything. Also had strict orders to not go elsewhere without checking in.
And that was before you could send ‘em with a phone.
My nephew came when he was 14 (he lives out your way, in MA) — his mother had so scared him about the big bad city that he wouldn’t even walk around our block on his own (I cruelly offered to allow my then 5 yo to help him — we’d let him do it alone if we were standing out front, waiting and listening). The thought of running off down the mile of street was beyond his imagining. That was kinda sad — the same kid would have tromped off in the woods, though.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:52 amack… can’t vote. i need to know how far away the park is from the house. i’ve been lucky enough that the parks were close to our house (backyard or at the corner, two houses down). if it’s been farther, i tag along or no one goes.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:28 amI would say 10-11 since thats about the same age you can start to feel okay about them being unsupervised for periods of time.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:32 amWe live in a very nice town. I joke that we are in a bubble and well we are.
I voted that age 10 I would let my kids go to the park on their own. That said, ask me when my kids are 12 what I will do. Right now they are 8,6 and 1. When we were kids we went to the park alone, we rode our bike around our neighborhood and walked to the local store to cash in bottles for $ and to buy candy. That was from grades 2-6. Would I do that now? No. Do I think my mom was crazy for letting us? Kind of (the store seemed a bit much). I don’t worry about things that are most likely to happen (kids falling and getting hurt) I worry about someone taking my kids. I realize that the chances are pretty darn slim but that still hangs in my head. I am curious to see what everyone else says. It is easier to check a box on your poll than to actually do it.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:44 amoops…I meant to say when my kids are 10 not 12. Feel free to edit that.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:46 amI live in a small town about 1/2 hour south of Seattle, Washington. It’s quiet. It’s relatively safe. And my son, who is 14 and starting high school this fall, was not allowed to go to/from the park 2 blocks away by himself until this last year, when he was in eighth grade. Maybe I’m over-protective…..but, I’d rather be safe than sorry. Also, he has a cell phone on him at all times. So, between that and the small town scenario, I’ve been able to relax some. He’s also now taller than I and weighs about 125 lbs., which also helps. All this to say that, if you had had a category between 12-13 and when they can drive, that’s the one I would’ve picked……
August 6th, 2008 at 11:47 amI voted 10-11 because that is about how old I was, but I really think it depends on the kid. Some are ready at six while others are not ready at 16.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:49 amIt depends…alone or in pairs? I let my boys go unsupervised but together when they were about 8 and 10, but they definitely knew all about the buddy system. Completely alone (one one going) I’d probably wait until they were 12.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:07 pmIt’s tough - right now the issue is - can #1 son (who’s 8 1/2 and highly responsible) go to the park by himself while we dawdle behind w/the others - answer - NO - one street just isn’t well marked for crossing. When when when will he have to stop waiting for us. My babysitter just asked if he could stay in the library by himself while she is on play ground w/6 yr old. We said yes - but discussed who he can and can’t talk to - trust your gut, etc.
While at the beach we let him ride all over the island by himself - but he had my cell phone and did call every 20 mintes and once when he got lost…
I have a hunch where you came out on this based on reading you for a while;)
August 6th, 2008 at 12:26 pmI can’t imagine ever letting them go with an adult, but I have three girls and the oldest is four. If I had some boys it might be different, but I’m pretty protective of my girls. There are some real sick-os out there.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:26 pmI said 10 or 11. That is when we started letting Soph walk to the park on her own. She meets up with friends once there, though, and they all hang out together. I’m not sure that I’d be comfortable with her going all alone, though. Also, I insist on her having her phone with her, and turned on… It’s so difficult trying to work out how much independence is appropriate.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:26 pmI voted “car”, but let me tell you: the trouble I got into at 16 in the woods of the park with boys… It was just kissing, etc. but it could have gone MUCH further.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:27 pmI voted 10-11 as well. We let our 6 year old ride his bike in front of the house unsupervised, and go a bit around the neighbourhood. It depends on the kid, and absolutely the 10-11 year old would have to be with a friend, and would have to be a kid that shows responsibility.
That being said, I come from a place that has never had a stranger abduction (not to say that it couldn’t happen of course) and has one of the lowest crime rates in North America.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:30 pmDepends on the kid, but I said 8-9 yrs old (though I wish there had been a 7-8 yr old choice) But I think 2nd grade is about right. I grew up in a midwestern city and I was allowed to ride my bike about 4-6 blocks in any direction. My school was one boundary, the playground was another. I usually did go with a friend, but not always. Personally, I think it’s ridiculous how little freedom kids have nowadays. How will they ever learn responsibility if they are never given any? And really, very few 11-13 yr olds even have interest in going to the playground anymore- there is not much there for kids that age to do!
August 6th, 2008 at 12:33 pmHave you ever read Freerange Kids? It’s not updated much, but the initial idea and the comments are fascinating. freerangekids.wordpress.com
8-9 for me. And I think Chris falls on the side of letting them go unsupervised. Could be wrong, but based on how she worded the post…
August 6th, 2008 at 12:44 pmI don’t think I’ll ever let my kids go to a public park alone. Perhaps a little playground in the middle of a subdivision, but not a public playground.
I am on the extreme end of caution, though.
This year, a 10 year old boy here was brutally attacked by a homeless man in our flagship park’s bathroom. Mother right outside the door, too late to prevent what happened but close enough to get him immediate care.
I can only imagine how a couple of kids would have reacted to this situation.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:47 pmTimes have changed. I would not let my child go at 13 or younger to a park alone and not sure I would with a friend either. I think once they drive you can ease up and by then they know the real danger of strangers. Did you ever see Oprah when the parents swore their kids would not go with strangers but every child did. I don’t think it’s being paranoid it is the reality of life now. Big or Small town!
August 6th, 2008 at 12:53 pmHonestly, I was six when I was allowed to walk to my best friend’s house by myself, and she lived a few blocks away. It was no big deal. We also took walks and bikes around the neighborhood. It was a suburban neighborhood with lots of kids and it was fine.
The world is not less safe than it was when I was a 6 year old 20 years ago. In fact, statistics suggest that it is MORE safe. What has changed is with 24-hour news, we all know stories of something that happened to some child 2,000 miles away. Whereas 20 years ago, we might not have heard of it.
I think independence is a very important thing to cultivate. Your kids seem like responsible, good kids, so I would suspect that aside from Miles and your daughter, the others would be ready to go to a park unsupervised, especially if one of your older sons was accompanying them.
But, I’m not a parent, so I don’t know what it feels like as a parent to let your child go like that. I know you two will make the right decision.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:10 pmHoly cow, 955 votes?! When I was 9-10 we would bike/ walk to the village below where we lived.
But I’m a hypocrite so I put 12-13. Don’t tell my kid.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:14 pmI’ve never commented before, but I read your blog all the time and have for 3 years (ever since the bear in your yard and grabbing your camera to capture it). My choice wasn’t in your poll! (so I responded when they can drive). I think as long as there are two of them together and they know to stay together than above 10 would be my vote. I would not let my ds ride his bike anywhere alone. I just think it’s to easy for a nut job to target a child alone. I do on the other hand let my son (11) stay in the house alone. He knows how to get out if someone breaks in and where to go and how to handle emergencies. It’s not that I don’t trust HIM, it’s that I don’t trust all the weirdo’s out there that I know are just prowling around looking for one of my kids to pick up and do who knows what with! I would let him go to the park with a friend, but he would have to keep his cell phone with him.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:15 pmMelissa
I voted 10-11, but my oldest is 6 and my heart is racing thinking about it. The park would have to reallllly close to the house too even then, I think. Like, in the neighborhood with no major roads to cross. EEK.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:38 pmCan this count as my vote, because I’d have to mark more than one. My now-12 year old, 9. My now-10 year old, 11 (maybe older, depending on if he ever gets his head out of the clouds). My now 8-year old, any day now. And my now-6 year old, never, because he is mah baybeee!
And of course, when they’re with the oldest (ms. bossypants), they can all go pretty much anywhere together, including across the busy street.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:44 pmI voted for 12-13, but I’d probably let a 10-11 year old go in the company of siblings if the park is close and the neighborhood is safe and they have a cell phone to call in case of emergency. That said, when I was that age, we used to go play at our nearby elementary school playground and one friend, who was good at gymnastics, did some crazy jumps and flips up high, missed catching the bar, and fell down hard. She was hurt and we had no easy way to get an adult to help us. I think kids fool around when adults are not present and take chances. I would worry more about injuries than an abduction.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:00 pmI have two young ones, so I feel like I can’t answer effectively either. I can’t really judge the right age, but I said 10. I almost went a little younger… but without being in the same circumstances — where you live, your kids, etc. I can’t be sure. I am interested to see what you have to say on the subject, because I trust your judgment immensely! Whatever you think, I agree.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:06 pmThis is something my husband and I have been discussing for years and have never settled for sure on an age, thinking we would know when the kids were old enough when we got there. But I’m glad to see that when pushed to just pick an arbitrary age, I’m in the same range as the majority.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:15 pmMy kids are aged 15,12, 9,9,&9. I didn’t start letting my oldest out on his own till around 13 and then I had to know everything before he left. The time amount was a little each time until he got older. My oldest daughter I have let out a few times on her own. Unfortunately she has been approached by several older boys telling her they were going to gang rape her. Thankfully she got away the first time and big brother stepped in the second time. The local police tell me it’s not their problem. That’s nice. 17 & 18yr old boys threaten a 12yr old girl and they can’t do anything about it. Just nice. And we live in a very small community. You would think these problems would be more prone to the larger city. So I don’t have a good answer to your question. My husband and I talk about this as well. We both used to run around at a very young age but no longer feel it is the wisest thing for children to do. Just the other day I saw a neighborhood girl who I know to be about 12 walking around with a 40oz malt. Sad what’s happened to our society. Her mom didn’t care and I was told to butt out.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:15 pmNo great solutions here. Kids do need time away for independence growth.
We have these talks all to often, I feel bad that I know our kids will not have the same freedom to roam like we did but I keep racking my brain to figure out how they can because I think independence even if only the playground is huge in childhood. Can’t wait to hear the outcome.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:27 pmI’m going with the others who’ve said Not Enough Information. It would depend on how far away the park was, what neighborhood the park was in (near the library? etc), how many kids went together, and of course, in my case so I’m sure in yours too, it would depend on what combo of kids went. I have some that get along great, but take the older one and send him with a different brother, and he’d gladly sneak off and leave younger brother there alone. You have to consider all of those things. I let my oldest walk to the library (across a fairly busy street, no crosswalk, but only about 3 blocks away) alone when he was 12. I wouldn’t let him take any youngers with him, as I couldn’t be sure he could cross them safely. I let my 10 and 8 yos ride bikes around the neighborhood, but there wasn’t far for them to go. They were allowed to walk to a friend’s house a few blocks away, but not crossing the busy road.
Now I live out in the country, and I let the 8 yo ride his bike down the road 1/2 mile or so to a stream to play in. We went over road safety and he wears his helmet. It’s a fairly quiet road.
There are so many factors to consider. BTW I usually let my husband force me to let the boys do something. I let them go, and then worry about them the whole time they are gone LOL.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:43 pmI can’t vote yet, I an un-decided. My 18 year year old says 13, my 7 year old says his own kids won’t go alone until they are 15. I remember playing for hours outside on bikes and rollerskates unsupervised since 3rd grade, so age 8.
How far away is the park, what kind of people live around it? Too many unknowns for me.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:55 pmI voted in the poll cause you said average suburbs but if we were talking small town, I would have voted 8-9.
When we moved from major city(not safe to go to the playground unattended at any age really) to a small town of 3000, it took me a lot of letting go before I felt comfortable. But in the small town, if they are doing something wrong, somebody is going to tell you, so i have that benefit.
It also depends on maturity leval, whether or not they have made good choices etc.
August 6th, 2008 at 3:08 pmI may be over protective, but I REALLY like not losing my children, and to my pride I have not lost one yet. I feel we no longer live in a world where we’re safe leaving our children unsupervised. I may be paranoid but paranoia has a high success rate.
August 6th, 2008 at 3:13 pmWhen they can drive themselves there. I say you can never be too careful. I’ve watched or read far too many horrible crime stories.
August 6th, 2008 at 3:23 pmMy oldest will be 13 this month, oh help me please. We started to let him go to the neighborhood park and the school basketball court last summer when he was on the precipace between 11 and 12. We gave him the house cell phone and made him call us when he got there and when he was heading back. This worked well. This past year he has started to take his 10 year old sister with him sometimes. Except now the cell phone is his but they still call when they get there and when thet are leaving.
August 6th, 2008 at 3:59 pmIt’s a good age to begin that independence.
I put 10/11. Of course, a lot of it would depend on the child and the circumstances. My son is very young though and I am turning out to be a lot less paranoid than I thought I would be. When he gets to be 7 or 8 I might end up feeling comfortable with him out on his own. It’s hard for me to grasp the kind of maturity level he will have once he is school age.
That said, there is a nice soccer field near where we live and I’d probably let him ride his bike there before ten.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:02 pmI voted for 10-11 however I live across the street from our park. Which is kind of cheating isn’t it? I can watch my son from the front porch without him noticing.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:06 pmI will tell you that I voted most conservatively (never unsupervised) because there are too many variables to consider to simply say a certain age is okay. I scrolled through the comments and I second suburbancorrespondent.
For your specific situation, without knowing your boys personally, and in this age of cell phones, I suppose I would vote for the buddy system (does that count as supervised in your argumentImeandiscussion?) depending on their individual personalities/level of dependability, etc.
Definitely not a black-and-white issue.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:24 pmLol. “We’re talking your average suburbs.”
You mean the VERY place creepy pedophiles hang out at (especially parks!) just waiting to prey on unattended kids?
August 6th, 2008 at 4:42 pmThis is a great discussion. As far as my 2 cents - I would say that when they are old enough to babysit (12-ish) then they can go to the park by themselves. That is the short answer. Long answer is, are there major streets in the way? Is the child overall pretty responsible?, Is the park secluded, where if something does happen, no one would know? and about a dozen other questions!
ahh…parenting…its so black and white. NOT.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:45 pmI voted for “never.” I know that sounds extreme, but hear me out. Those younger than 12/13 could be in danger of predators. I am not sure if yur park is wooded, very open, or a mixture, but those younger than 12/13 could definitely fall prey to those who have bad intentions. Anyone over the age of 12/13 would be going to parks to ride around on bikes, play on equipment designed for younger kids, and generally be a nuisance on the playground. I have been at a playground with teenagers who do things they think are funny, for instance jump from a tall play structure or ride bikes in and out of play structures while young kids play. There is no adult with them to correct their behavior. I, with my young childre, and left to let my children know that I don’t approve of this behavior.
Is there a grassy area for throwing a football? Perhaps, if you knew that your kids would stay on this area and not go to the playground, you could let them go.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:49 pmWow, this is something I haven’t even thought about yet. Since I have a 4.5 yr old, guess that means I fall into the older category, lol….
I actually picked 10-11 years, but it was sort of a gut thing. I’m dying to know what hubby said…
And if anyone wants to help me clean my house and get some free stuff too, please stop by and see my next give-away! I seriously need all the help I can get when it comes to organizing…..
August 6th, 2008 at 4:51 pmI voted for “12 to 13″… my son just turned 12 so I guess I better step up to the plate.
The part that breaks my heart about this whole situation is that when I was a child, my parents never had to worry about letting us out alone. I remember travelling far and wide in our neightbourhood, all alone, when I was five or six. But of course, back In The Olden Days, my parents always knew that Mrs Lennox would look out for me, or Mrs. Henderson, or retired Mr. Ford up the street. We had a real neighbourhood, if you follow my meaning, an environment where all the adults looked out for all the kids, and nobody worried about perverts or about their kids being snatched.
I am only 38 years old, and it breaks my heart that our society has changed so drastically in so short a time.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:14 pmHow did my mother do it?
Growing up in the 90s, in a suburb of a large city, my brother and I had free reign of our neighbourhood once we were about 9 years old. We would bike to the corner store for a slurpee, meet our friends in the park and explore the ravine near the house. The only rule? Walk your bike across the street and be home when the street lamps came on
I never felt unsafe. I’m not sure if the world is a different place now, or if it is parenting values that have changed.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:34 pmI voted, but IMO there wasn’t enough information. Like…how far away? Are the streets side streets, county roads…will traffic be heavy, non existant? I think there are so many variables out there that should make it into a decision that deciding what’s right for my kids isn’t the same as it is for yours (BTW…I voted 8-9). Currently, we have no playground in our neighborhood. There is however a neighborhood, ALL SIDE STREETS, about .7 mile from us, right next to good friends of ours. I have no problem with my older 2 girls (12 and 10) taking my youngest (7) or going on their own. I don’t allow the youngest, and given her proclivity towards dangerous activities, I probably wouldn’t allow her to go at 8-9 unless she REALLY started showing some responsibility (HIGHLY doubt it). There is another playground another .6 miles, bigger and better and we go with the kids. It is also side streets and I’d be willing to let my older two girls go together, but not my 10 yo alone. There is a bike path for them, but IMO it’s just too far for the 10 yo.
I do have to say, I’m amazed I made it to 45. And I think in some ways we hold onto our kids WAY too tight (JMO). I try not to but the little I do hold on, I can see it backfiring on me. But, what’s right for my family isn’t right for everyone’s.
I’m anxious to hear who won.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:46 pmWe let our 10 year old walk to town, explore the neighborhood and walk to school alone.
He has been doing that since he was 9. He started walking to school alone when he was 8.
Good luck with your kids!
August 6th, 2008 at 6:53 pmNone of my 6 children ever asked to go to a park alone so I don’t really know what age that would be. They always went with siblings and/or friends from the neighborhood. That being said, I parent dangerously. My 10 year old daughter has been riding her bike or scooter (electric!) around our neighborhood “alone” for at least 3 years. My kids have been allowed to play outside “alone” in the yard/close neighborhood since they were quite young (4-5). They walked to school starting at kindergarten. There are so many things that “could” happen out there but I don’t want to strip their childhood of every opportunity for fun and independence. I do think that having a hoard of my own children and living in a neighborhood where other children are always out playing too has probably made a huge impact on my decisions though.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:23 pmI didn’t vote… IMHO, it depends completely on the individual child. I will say that I wouldn’t let them go totally alone at any age - a friend or sibling is a must.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:27 pmThis is so interesting to me, as I’m not yet a mom, but spend many an afternoon during the school year with three boys (6, 8, and 10). We live in a quiet town and each street has a sidewalk. Their mom and I agree, that the older two are mature enough to go to the park and walk home from school alone, but if the six year old is with them, the deal is off. Also, I really only feel comfortable doing this as long as they are carrying a cell phone. Boys will be boys and I always feel as though some one is scraping a knee or something.
I think it really depends on the kid and where you live…if we lived in Chicago (only 15 miles away), it would be a completely different story.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:08 pmI remember going everywhere on my bike when I was 7. This was in the 70s. I also rode my pony everywhere when I was 9. I think that was nuts. I have almost 11 year old twins. I got them a cell phone. I had so many of their friends’ moms practically chew me out for getting the cell phone, but it lets me let them do these kind of things with some peace of mind for me. For instance today I was shopping at the commissary of our local military base and I let them to to the library and then to the pizza place on their own for lunch. But they had their phone and had to text me when they got there and left. Also I feel pretty good at letting them go around the base as that is a relatively secured area — no homeless types roaming around. I also only let them go while they are together.
But, I would never let them go horseback riding alone like I did. Waaay to many things can happen.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:24 pmI voted 8-9. My oldest are 8 and 6 and I’ve already let them go to the 2 blocks away park alone together, or with older (11-13) friends, while I’m cleaning the house or hanging laundry or such. But I have a 3 yo as well, so I go with him later, anyway. At the park I rarely see the older two, they always seem to be involved in some game or play or riding bikes or rollerblading, but 95% of the time there are other friends around as well. I live in a very safe urban centre in the South of Europe but most people I know who do not live in this neighbourhood think we are crazy.
The only rules are: never leave the park without warning, never climb up to the belvedere (dodgy, drug related things going on there), never accept things from strangers. So far, so good.
Marta from Lisbon
August 6th, 2008 at 8:48 pmJust adding that I’m much more scared of 16 year olds driving cars than 8 or 9 year olds driving bikes to the nearest park. In Europe the driving age is 18 (voting and drinking as well) and in many, many cases even that is too young!
August 6th, 2008 at 8:53 pmHmmm…no cut and dried rule here. It depends on the kid. I was probably responsible enough at 8 or 9, traveled by myself (no flight attendant babysitter) at 11. But my brother, 4 years older, could barely tie his figurative shoelaces at 37.
If the kid is responsible and mature, they can go. My eldest (now
will probably be 37 before I let him do something like that, but his younger brother (at 3!) is already much less scatterbrained.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:19 pmI have a 10 year old son and I dont think I am comfortable with him going alone or even with a group of kids his age. Maybe with some siblings a few years older than him and that would be dependent upon how mature those older kids are. These was an 8 year old little girl that was attacked at a park downtown here, by a homeless man, with her mom sitting 10 feet away from her! He wrestled her to the ground, took her pants off and was removing his own pants right in the front everyone in a VERY CROWDED park! A couple of men wrestled him away from her and I just get sick at the thought of what would have happened to her if she would have been there alone or even with a group of kids!
August 6th, 2008 at 9:28 pmI think I was under four or five when I had complete run of the neighborhood. My Mom was an idiot.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:45 pmI have not read all of the comments. This is a sticky wicket for me - I live in the city and suffer from paranoia (lol)! I know a lot depends on the child and proximity and all of that. However, I know what I was like at 10 - 12; nothing wild, but I tried to smoke, read/watched things that a kid that age should not see. Also, in this day and age with pedophiles, I can honestly say I don’t know. I have seen kids get into trouble, because it only takes one bad apple; and I’ve seen kids talked out of trouble, because of a good apple. It all comes down to trust. And a tracking device. As long as they are not alone I guess 12 years old is would be my vote. They must also understand what is and is not acceptable. And perhaps threatened that with an unexpected visit from mom, things may work out fine.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:54 pmGiven the scenario you described, and remembering the distractibility of even my own very responsible little self at each of those ages, and provided that they would keep off the equipment designed for younger children if there were any young children around . . . *wheeeeze* . . . then I say 12-13.
I roamed pretty much wild in the marshes around our house from age eight onward, but it was all flat and open and therefore I was never out my mother’s range of view; if she ever wanted to peek out the window and make sure I was nothing worse than really (really) muddy, then she could. In our itty-bitty eensy-weensy coastal-town-where-everyone-knew-everyone I still wasn’t allowed to go off our property without an adult until I was almost eleven, so taking into account that you’re speaking of the suburbs and . . . yeah. I think twelve. Maybe a really responsible, fleet-footed, loud-voiced 11, but most likely twelve; my awareness of the world underwent a drastic metamorphisis between eleven and twelve, so I’m probably basing a lot of this on that, too, but . . . yeah. Twelve.
(if we’re mixing and matching buddies, then sure I’d mix a younger child with an older, responsible buddy, but I am thinking of just one child right now)
August 6th, 2008 at 10:30 pmI voted 12-13 because that’s when I was mature enough to ride around on my bike to the local 7-11 and beyond. I was also babysitting other people’s kids — I know it was the late 80s, but can you imagine leaving a 3-year-old, 5-year-old, and a 7-year-old in the charge of a 12-year-old not related to you now? I can’t. I would balked at letting my older step-son go unsupervised at 12-13, but my younger step-son would have been ready at 10-11. Every kid is different. Men are also much more casual about the whole safety issue than women. Younger step-son just road-tripped to Chicago from CT for Lollapalooza and I insisted that he call daily to check in and my husband thought I was crazy.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:42 pmthe world out there is too scary now. I’d say 12-13.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:29 pmI remember riding across town to the library or to practice by myself at age 10 or 11 and my parents were just fine with it (a good 2-3 miles). I live in the same town now with a five year old who is special needs and I won’t even let him out of the yard. Different circumstances call for different measures.
The town is still the same, the people the same, and still just as safe. I just can’t trust his judgment.
And, like Heather, I was babysitting at 12 back in the late 80’s.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:39 amI wanted to say 10, although by the time my eldest is around 8 I would probably trust him to go around the corner, with friends.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:45 amThings have changed. Beginning at age 6 I used to roam freely around our small town, as long as my mother knew vaguely where I was going and I was back by 5pm. I think that was also about the age that I was first home alone.
Maybe it’s because I have all girls, but I tend to view anyone who so much as glances in their direction as a potential pervert. I rarely let them go anywhere unsupervised. School is pretty much it, and that’s still hard. My oldest is 8. I’m sure they’ll need lots of therapy when they’re gown up.
When I was 8, we lived in the country and I used to wander in woods alone for hours. Snake, rabid animal, tick infested woods. But that was me and this is them.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:00 amI’m the wrong person to ask - I work in the health field and I’ve seen/heard to much for me to be comfortable - call me ‘paranoid’…so I voted ‘when they can drive’.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:32 amI had to vote for 8-9 because this year I found myself letting my 9 year old daughter go to a local park with her friend and the friend’s younger brother on a number of occasions. To be honest at first I wasn’t 100% comfortable with the idea but I’m glad I let her go.
We actually have a small park with play equipment right here in our cul-de-sac so I’ve been letting the kids go there on their own since they were 4 or 5 years old but that’s a little different as I can sit on my sofa and see or at least hear what’s going on over the road.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:56 amThe age is secondary to the “alone” thing. I think that if there are a couple of kids, the age can drop and the buddy system starts working. Alone? I don’t want any child of mine “alone” in a park.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:27 amThey can go “to” or “from” alone. No problem if you are sensible. To the shops. To the library. But aimless and alone in a park? No.
Life is not the same as it was 20 years ago. I see too many older kids hanging out in places like parks, and no, I am not going there. Make your place an open home for kids instead. It worked for me.
If mine were a boy, I would have gone with the 12-year-old slot (assuming he’s a MATURE 12 years old). But mine is a girl, and I feel (though I may be mistaken) that in the 12+ slot, girls are more vulnerable to predators than boys . . so she at least has to be driving!
August 7th, 2008 at 5:31 amNot before 11 or 12 thats for sure.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:36 amthere was a kidnapping a year ago near my home town of a 9 year old girl who was alone on her bike at the park. She followed the man who asked her to look for his dog with him.
She has not been found yet.
even if you teach your kids what to do if ever a grown up asks them to help find a dog or ANYTHING, when in a panic situation, you truly don’t know how your child will react. Just as adults, we never truly know how we will react even if we KNOW what to do usually.
in a group or alone makes a big difference in this debate with friends or alone and park location at major factors. My 11 year old is aloud to go with friends in a small local town where we know there are plenty of people always out and around and many of those people know some or all of the children this park has a lot of people around and is very visible. She is not allowed to go even with friends to the small out of the way playground behiond the school that is far from view from the street and very isolated.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:36 amdelurking to say I’ve only started letting my 12 year old boy go to the park(less that 100 feet away, but I can’t SEE it) this summer by himself, but it’s because of the bums who hang out there. We live in a coastal area, and there is a soup kitchen not far away. When it isn’t feeding time, they all hang out in OUR park all day. They are just gross, and rude, and not something I want my kids to be around.I’ve SEEN them tell other young mothers that they couldn’t use the benches, cuz they were there first. Just my two cents
August 7th, 2008 at 8:43 amWhen they can drive themselves. It is simply not worth the risk.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:52 amI voted 12 to 13 but it’s not quite that easy. For me, it depends on the kid (my oldest is a very responsible child, my middle child is a well-meaning scatter brain)and it depends on where, how far and who they’re with. Nearby, a playground heavily populated with mums and kids, in an area where we know many people and my child is with another similarly aged and responsible child, fine. My middle child, under NO circumstances.
Not even my oldest child is allowed to ever go anywhere alone. People say “Oh come on, she’s so responsible, you should trust her.” I DO trust her. Immensely. And she knows it. She’s one of the most capable kids I’ve ever known.
It’s everyone else out there I don’t trust!
Others may say what they like, but they aren’t the ones who will pay the consequences if I make a bad choice for my child.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:03 amYou didn’t have 86 on your poll! Oy! So many scary things to happen; though most of them are in my imagination, they exist. That’s a hard question.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:10 amChris,
Note to husband: “We are not in Kansas anymore, Toto”! We never locked our doors growing up, my sister and I watched ourselves all summer from the age of 8 on up, rode our bikes all over the neighborhood with no adult supervision….but those times are over! With the invention of new technologies, came new perversions, and it seems no child under the age of 16 is safe to travel anywhere alone. Hell, I’m still emphatic that my 19 year old daughter never goes anywhere by herself!
August 7th, 2008 at 9:40 amI am so not reading all of these comments, so if I repeat something - too bad, okay, maybe sorry would be nicer.
There are more factors than just age - how far is the park, can you see the park, how responsible is the child, are they going with a buddy (even a sibling), are they taking a cell phone or a watch to come back and check in every 30 sec, etc.
We have a park accross the street from our house, but I can not see the playground from my living room window. i will allow the 10 yr old and the 12 yr old to meet a friend or to take the 7 yr old or 5 yr old to the park. However, the 7yr old is NOT responsible enough to go and meet a friend. He’s been known to wander off for something important, like chasing a butterfly, or wanting to see the cool car down the block. He may not be allowed to go to the park by himself until he is 30.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:44 amI voted when they can drive, because you didn’t clarify if the kid was alone or not. I’d let them go younger, if they would be with 2+ other kids.
My husband and I had a similar “discussion” years ago. He’d let my son head off alone on his bike. Around the same time, a boy in our city was kidnapped. He was 12. This was in a nice suburban area. His body was found a few days later.
The world is a different place than when we were growing up. Plus, there used to be lots of stay-at-home moms who paid attention to things going on in neighborhoods and plenty of adults at the parks.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:26 amI love reading the comments on situations like this.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:46 ammy eldest is 6. I’m not going to allow myself to have an opinion.
-steph
I voted for 12-13 and that’s what I did with my two girls (now 16 and 20). They could then go with someone. For those who want the details - well-to-do suburb in the Western U.S., a little under a mile away, the “big” street to cross has a 25 mph speed limit, but usually people go through at 35-40 and the crosswalk is so far out of the way I knew they wouldn’t use it for long. I remember very well the study that was done when my kids were little, showing that kids don’t really have the judgment to *cross the street* until they are 10 - most parents guessed younger, but they couldn’t really judge how far away cars were and when they’d get there, and when excited or upset would dash out. My kids always went in groups - and to be honest, the biggest threat that concerned me was the groups of teens who would hang out in the park, and then mine became part of them!
August 7th, 2008 at 12:45 pmMy mother’s generation thinks we’re nuts, be we drive our kids to and from the bus stop, 3 houses away.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:05 pmI said 10-11 because our park is a block away and I have friends who can see the park from their house, so if I want to check on them, I can call and have them look out the window. For me it would really depend on how close the park is and how much “traffic” it gets. I also only let them go with a friend - not alone.
August 7th, 2008 at 3:01 pmI agree with sub.corr
August 7th, 2008 at 4:59 pmHmm, Suburbs are beautiful and supposed to be rather safe, but still…I’d say not until the kid is at least 13 and only if there is a cell phone or walkie talkie involved and regular updates. And much, much preferably with a buddy system in place…another child or older sibling tagging along.
That’s how we do it and it works. At first kids were embarrassed about the walkie talkie, but they got used to it and their friends and classmates even got a kick out of checking in with us. When we switched to a cell, the kids were much happier but they couldn’t leave the house until we saw the battery and made sure it was charged.
No matter what, safety must come first.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:34 pmI’d like to clarify my “bad choice” remark at the end of my comment. I was not implying that someone who makes a different choice for their child(ren) from the choice I make for mine is making a “bad choice”. I only meant that I make a bad choice for my own children when I go against my own personal judgement/gut instincts because someone else disagrees with me. I’ve been a mum too long now to give a sh*t whether others agree with my choices for my own kids or not.
If that made any sense.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:58 pmi have a son that will be 12 in a couple of weeks, and a daughter that is 9. (and 3 other kids 6, 4, and 3) in my case, i don’t even allow my kids to far down the street (we live on a dead end street with mostly family and friends that live here). in all honesty, after what happened to shawn hornbeck (we live in missouri), i am scared to let my kids ride bikes or walk too far from home. that and the fact we have a convicted sex offender that lives less than a half mile from our house.
August 7th, 2008 at 6:02 pmi would say check with the sex offender database before you make any decisions. if there are any that live on the route your kid would take, take it into consideration before you make your decision.
hope that helps!
I don’t think that there are any safe places anymore. In St. Louis there was someone who kidnapped a 12yo and a 13yo, kept the 12yo for years and did unspeakable things to them. Both boys lived in extremely safe places but it can happen anywhere. I don’t believe that someone will ever regret being too protective but I guarantee that parents of children who are kidnapped, hurt or killed wish that they had been more protective. And I am sure that those kids wish they had parents who were more protective. I think as a parent you have to choose your comfort level.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:18 pmDon’t you love that you go from diapers to depends……so many situations when my sons were tweens, and now teens, are “depends” situations. It depends on who, where and whats going to happen, as to who gets to do what they want. I love them to death, but trust all teenagers as far as I can throw them. They love me to death, but think I am too strict and a bit of a weakling in the throwing department. By the way, in a group, and knowing the kids in that group, 13-14 years old is okay, alone, if they can drive they can go. I’ve invested way too much time, effort, and sanity, to lose them now. And I always give them a choice, my way or stay home.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:07 pmI voted 12-13 and just typing it starts me on a panic attack, so maybe when they are driving………
August 7th, 2008 at 8:52 pmIts not that I don’t trust my kids, I just don’t trust everyone else.
it depends on so many things. we live on a street where there are 5 consecutive courts on the main road. we live in the second one, access to the park is through the fourth one. so not far. i ‘hink we allowed nick to go when he was 10 if he was going with someone. my 5yo and 2yo have a ways to go. nick is 12 now and i’d have no problems with him riding around neighbourhood if he wanted. important lesson i’m trying to instill… TELL ME where you are. Don’t just go ints someones back yard and think i’ll telepathiclaly know wehre you are. Oh, and wear a watch. When I say I wwant you home at 5:00pn 5:05 ia pushing it. aim to be back well before i asekd you to be hear.
which of course makes me a total hypocrite because i KNOW the summers we wer e8 and 9 we were allowed to pack picnicks and other summer toys and go have our lunch in teh outside play structure at our schools. we were able to bike around a fair ways… not allowed past a certain house wehre the raod bends, but realluy - so much looser thant oday…
(i cna’t make sense. blue sleeping pill. sorry….
August 7th, 2008 at 11:40 pmI voted for never leaving them unsupervised. We live in Los Angeles, and I can’t imagine taking such a big risk with my kids.. Don’t think I’m being overprotective. Just cautious. And let’s face it, being cautious has a much better record than unsupervised.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:12 amI’d say a lot of it depends on the particular park, and the particular kid. And I’d definitely want them in a group, not alone.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:23 amI put when they can drive themselves, but it depends on the kids and the neighborhood. If I don’t trust them to stay alone in a locked house and not do something incredibly insane, like microwave the baby’s shake and go car (they did, stupid thing would not shut off for an hour), then no way would I trust them to go to a park, no matter how close. The 9yr old get’s distracted by her own shoelaces, so I’m sticking with the until she can drive for that one. If anyone actually gives her a license that is…
August 8th, 2008 at 3:59 amI voted 12-13 because the park in my town is pretty far away from my house. But I let my 2 girls, 8 and 10, ride their bikes in our neighborhood without me being there. They just have to stay within whistle distance…(and I whistle pretty loud
August 8th, 2008 at 7:18 amThe world is really, NOT a more dangerous place, predator wise, than it was when we were kids. And I feel (strongly) that over-protecting kids is more damaging than the risk that someone, somewhere, might target them. It’s more likely they’ll make their own poor choices/take risks than be targeted by a stranger.
However, my house rule is 10-11 (depending on the kid) and not alone, with friends or siblings. And I expect to know where you will be, and set a time that you will be back.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:43 amI will always error on the side of caution when it comes to my kiddo. As we see on the news, even big kids are vulnerable. I can’t even think about it.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:31 amHeh. Reading through lots of these and ending up with wookie’s above — I agree with her about the world not being more dangerous. We’re more aware, there’s more media, but it’s just not that different. Or maybe what’s different is that kids are more fearful and allowed to make decisions (good and bad) far less often than before.
I love the driving age ones though. Think back to high school — driving age is junior year of high school. Anyone who thinks that their high school age kids can’t manage to sneak off somewhere on their own or with a friend alone is…kidding themselves!
By driving age, you’re concerned about drinking and sex and … And I promise you that some of the parents with the ridiculously strict rules (I’m strict, ask my kids, but you know, I accept that I can’t actually follow three kids around all day every day) — those parents actually have no idea where their kids are and are doing. I don’t even mean that in a threatening way, the kids aren’t doing anything horrible, but they aren’t where their parents think they are or necessarily with the people the parents think they are with.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:08 amI agree, the world is not likely a more dangerous place predator-wise (though there are new and more sinister ways for the predators to catch their “prey”) than it ever was. We just hear more about these stories as the world gets smaller. Children have always been vulnerable and there have always been sick and evil people out there looking to prey on them. Nothing’s changed there.
HOWEVER. No amount of “you’re too overprotective” or any other overprotective argument will ever sway my choices for my own children. Losing a child in the horrific manner that these victims are lost to predators is worse than any other thing I can imagine and as long as my children cannot reasonably protect themselves from such an attack (as reasonably as I, myself, would be able to), I will do it for them. Any less and I couldn’t live with myself.
My kids know the score. They have an idea of what it is out there that endangers them, if not the gory details. I take every opportunity to give them the freedom they each are capable of handling, so long as the risks are acceptably low. Nothing is safe. But it’s my job to lower the risks anywhere I can, as much as I can, until they can do that themselves (or are old enough–ie., an adult–to decide to take those risks anyway, much as I might not like that!).
So, I’m afraid the “overprotective” arguments (and I swear, I’ve heard just about all of them over the years) don’t really make much of an impression on me at all anymore.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:20 amI’m not against protective (and my teenaged kids assure me I’m overboard, checking on whether or not parents are home at other houses, etc.) but at what point do you teach the children not *how* to protect themselves, but actually have them practice it? Truth is, kids make dumb choices A LOT.
Without ever having done some things alone — and I include under carefully controlled conditions, including parents watching when kids don’t know they are — when will they have that sense inside themselves of autonomy, of their ability to function in the world as a full-fledged adult-to-be? To protect them against their instincts toward dumb choices, I really think parents need to allow them to make and deal with a few, even if you’re lurking behind a bush to insure that it doesn’t turn into a ridiculously bad choice. But, when my kids are in HS and then college? I want them to be able to talk to strangers (that comes up a lot in fact!) and to get that “weird” feeling about people.
If you have that feeling about every one that isn’t your family? Then it’s not too useful a tool. Luckily my kids have always been both shy and cautious, so I can encourage them to be a little more independent. However, if they don’t like something about a situation/person, I’ve found they’ve got damn good radar!
Truth is horrible things can happen to your child right under your very nose — including kidnapping, we’ve certainly heard stories of at least two kids abducted from their own rooms with parents/babysitters in the house.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:46 pmJan, my post was in response to Wookie’s, not yours. It was just approved later down the line, so my comments appear to be a response to yours (which I’ve only just read).
In any case, there is a difference between older teen-aged children and younger, pre-teen children. And yes, terrible things can happen to our children right under our very noses. But that’s not a reason for me not to take every reasonable precaution to lower the risks where I can. What is a reasonable precaution? Well, that is something we each need to decide for our own selves and children.
As to teaching our children how to look out for themselves, well, there is certainly some middle ground between never allowing a child who can’t swim near any water and throwing that child in the deep end of the pool to teach him/her to swim, if you’ll allow the analogy. Clearly, each parent has his or her own comfort zone on this issue.
August 8th, 2008 at 6:45 pmI voted for 8-9 years old but I need to add that it’s WITH a buddy! We’ve done it differently around here for girls too, not trying to be sexist but having a dose of reality about where we live. Our girls are cute and they don’t always think they’re acting like bait, but not being there or walking there alone has always handled that.
Without a buddy they should still be meeting a particular buddy there at age 12. What the heck are you going there for if you’re not going to hang out with somebody you know, right?
I’ve been to the park, I’ve seen what they’re doing and I wish my kids wouldn’t go there at all but I’m not the only parent in this house to make those decisions. I love sports seasons when they’re too busy to go there!
August 8th, 2008 at 8:10 pmcheck out Darknesstolight.org….I wish we could let our children roam freely but your are taking a risk….a great risk…is it worth the ride to the park alone?…ask the families that have lived to regret their decision to live as if our communities were safe.
August 9th, 2008 at 12:29 amOn this issue (and forgive me if someone else posted this, I scanned and didn’t see it) a good read is Gavin DeBecker’s _Protecting the Gift_ which is the best book I’ve read on this subject. He’s the security expert that Oprah has on often. We have to let our children develop skills in this area and I fear that many parents are too afraid to do this. I like the comment above that we should be more worried about what our kids get up to themselves when they are 16 and driving a car…
August 9th, 2008 at 9:19 pm“If you have that feeling about every one that isn’t your family? Then it’s not too useful a tool.”
The thing is, statistically most children are abused by someone they know (family member, coach, friend of the family) than a complete stranger. This site (http://parentingmethods.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_profile_of_a_pedophile) says 90% of abused children know their abuser.
I’m in my late 20s now, but when I was growing up (a town of ~25,000 in Iowa) I stayed home alone in the summer after 5th grade (when I was too old to go to day camp). I rode my bike all over town–to the library, to the high school for a couple weeks during “College for Kids,” to friends houses. We moved to Madison, WI when I was 16, and I took the bus or rode by bike all over town. Including to and from work.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:32 amI know this is late, but here’s another story. My nephew once flew a 12 year old + a cooler of salmon from the Chicago area to CT. It was the third leg of his journey home from a fishing trip in Alaska. I have no idea if he had family or friends in Alaska or Chicago, my nephew said he was driven to the plane and picked up by his parents when the plane landed (smallish airports where cars & limos drive right up the the plane).
August 12th, 2008 at 9:53 pmI am unable to vote as every child is different. I let my oldest daughter do things age wise before I let my younest. But then I let my son do things I never let my girls do. It really depends on the child, their understanding (and following) of your rules, and their maturity level.
And only you as parents will be able to figure that out.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:45 pmIn my opinion, by the time kids are old enough to walk to the park alone or with friends, they are too old to be playing there anyway. I have girls, I *will* be overprotective. I would rather they be in therapy as adults because I smothered them rather than because something worse happened to them.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:05 pmWhy not allow children to go via the buddy system and “pop” in to check on them?
I understand that some parents feel that it is better to be over protective than have something horrible happen, but the only way children learn how to be independent is be given the opportunity to. I wouldn’t let a child at any age go alone - buddy system always in force. But allowing them to go and them never knowing if you are going to pop in to check on them or not stems a lot of them getting themselves into trouble. Buddy systems keep them from being a lone target.
I didn’t vote on an age because that should depend on the child and the child’s maturity level than an age factor.
I find that children who aren’t allowed to do anything without their parents supervision as they are growing up are the ones who rebel hard and also have a harder time adjusting to the realities of young adulthood when the time comes to leave home. I know it doesn’t make anyone necessarily feel safer knowing that things happen to children, but statistically, you have a higher chance of getting hit by lightening than you do of having your child abducted.
Depending on the distance of the park (I am assuming it is not that far away) you could also impose a 30-45 minute checking in rule, whether it be in person or via cell phone (if your child has a cell phone).
My 9 going on 10 year old has full reign of our street (4 blocks, no intersections) but has to check in with me every 30 minutes. If she goes to a friends house to play and they decide to switch houses, she has to call me and tell me where she is going or stop by the house and let me know where she is going. The 6 year old can go 3 houses in either direction on her bike by herself, any further than that and she can only go if myself or her sister is with her.
For the record, I am not really overly comfortable with my children being away at all, but I have to find a balance between allowing them to learn independence and my need for their safety. There is the school playground which is a half a mile up the road that the 9 year old can go to without adult supervision only if a group of 5 children in the neighborhood aged 9-10 are going. The 6 year old is not allowed to go to the school playground unless I am present.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:37 amI told my husband that you did this poll since we had had a similar argument over this topic. He is always telling me “take a poll” and now that he sees that I can he is a little scared to throw that comment around anymore! LOL Are you going to update us and tell us which sides you and your husband were on?
August 17th, 2008 at 9:45 pmDid I miss the update?
August 24th, 2008 at 3:25 pm