Is This A Mid Life Crisis?
September 30, 2008
Last week I read what Susan wrote about being happy and it resonated with me. (Look a dreaded -ated word) Then my friend Journey Mama wrote about the same thing. Every time I think of these words she wrote: I sit and think about small regrettable things, it brings tears to my eyes.
That is precisely what I do at night when quiet has finally fallen over the house. When I have yelled at the ceiling for the last time. And people have decided to finally shut up and go to sleep.
When I consider how short tempered I was with one of my children, when a smile and a tiny bit of compassion would have been the better choice.
I think about the heavy sighs I let out and the moments that I felt I was being inconvenienced and how I let everyone know this with my actions.
I think about the words I didn’t say. The words I should have said. The missed opportunities for saying I love you, though one could argue that anytime is a fine time to tell the people around you that you love them.
I think of the moments that passed me by because I was trying to do that one last thing and my heart breaks a little.
My daughter told me today that I am a great cleaner. Please just stab me through the heart with my dull broom handle, I think it would hurt less.
I think of all the little ways I fail.
I think about what it means to be happy. Especially lately.
I am content. I suppose. I have many, many things to be thankful for. More things than I can count. I am not depressed. I am not UNhappy. I have moments where I laugh with my children or friends until I think my sides will burst. And moments where I am filled with so much love that it has no choice but to escape from my eyes like a safety valve. Though the tears of joy are awfully close to something else. What exactly, I am not sure.
I think the only way to describe it is the acute realization that this is it. This one shot at life is all we get and OH MY GOD it is passing me by. I was going to write just now that at the age of (almost)forty I am not where I imagined I would be at (almost)forty. I thought I would be wiser. That I would have it more together. I thought I would know, well, stuff. I also had no idea what gravity would do to a body.
But I realized, as I was typing, that I had no concept of forty way back when. That seemed so positively old that surely you must have already done most of what you wanted to do. And now you were just sitting back with your Geritol and Depends waiting for your dirt nap.
Instead I find that I am just faking it. I definitely know less than I thought I knew at twenty. And do you know what that means? At this rate I will NEVER know what the hell I am doing.
Maybe I need to start wearing my hair in a comb over, buy a convertible, and throw away all my disposable income on lap dances. It seems to work for men, right?
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I think part of it is not having a baby to distract us anymore. When you’ve had the excitement (and work) of wee ones for over 13 years, it’s odd to have time to even think of these things - we’re not used to it. Also, because there are no more babies, I seem to be more acutely aware of everyone’s growing up. I think I may have just carried my youngest on my hip for one of the last times. How sad is that? And will I know which time is the last time while it is happening? Nope. Just like I didn’t realize which night would be the last she nursed.
Now I am getting weepy. Thanks a lot!
October 1st, 2008 at 12:10 amWow. I turned 40 just 44 minutes ago and you summed it up. I never pictured myself here… but I’m glad I’ve made it!!! Have I done all that I want? No. Do I have regrets? Yes. Am I excited about what is to come? YOU BETCHA! I had a mentor tell me something last year that helped…he told me that we are all frauds. None of us believe in ourselves… but it IS in us whether we know it or not. Most people pretend they are confident and secure… I’ll settle for a lack of regret and a great sunset. We do what we can do — perfection will never happen so let go of what if and live in right now….
Chris says: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
October 1st, 2008 at 12:50 amAlso that with little kids and big kids and ALL the kids, I think you realize that this IS the thick of life. Not waiting to graduate or grow up or get married or have the next baby. This right here is it–the time you’ll look back on when you’re in those Depends. No more excuses or waiting for tomorrow.
But also–even though I feel it myself all the time–I’m tired of feeling guilty for being the one who has to keep everything running and together in the household. Moms HAVE to do that because no on else will and it’s a service of love we give our families–even though I’m sure we should heave fewer sighs about it.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:51 amIt’s going to get better. Almost 40 reminds me of PMS, once you start your period the bloating, irritability, sadness, etc. just goes away. Once you actually hit 40 something weird happens and all the angst goes away. You will love being in your 40s and you will feel like life just keeps getting better all the time. I promise. Just hang in there.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:51 amI just potty-trained my last toddler. Last! It just hit me, this is it. There’s nothing like changing that last diaper to make you realize this is the last chance - for me to try not to screw this one up. And I do mean that in a happy, motivational way (my kids are not screwed up they are just teenagers).
But it doesn’t change that fact that all of the sudden time is speeding way up and it scares the crap out of me.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:55 am“I think of the moments that passed me by because I was trying to do that one last thing and my heart breaks a little.” AGH. You’re killing me with this post. It’s beautiful, and honest and real. Thank you for saying it so well. Wonderful.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:26 amditto this. I’m too weary to know how to say anything coherent, except yes. I’m a few years from 40 yet, have a toddler and one on the way, but already DH is becoming deeply unsure of life, the universe and everything. At night, when we are weary from the missteps we’ve taken and our social graces are at their thinnest, we break into pieces and torment each other with the sharp corners. We take the trivial failures of the day and make them into powerful metaphors for all the fears we have. The most powerful being the fear that this is all trivial.
Which it could be. I’m up at 2:30 am, sleepless, full of pesky angers and anxieties, exhausted beyond measure after a trivially crappy day, leaving my best work on a blog comment. Yeah - there have been better lived days.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:36 amActually, I embrace the fact that I now at 35 know less than I thought I did when I was 20. It is exciting to know that there is plenty room to grow!
Also, I find that just because I am so acutely aware of the fact that it all goes so fast, and that life is damned precious and over in a sec, I appreciate it more. I find that I do have a place in my heart where there is calm, even when all around me is craziness and kids have been whining all day long. Enough calm for me to be able to hug them, despite their wickedness, and tell them that I love them. Enough calm to be content with that. I am not religious, so I can’t ascribe it to Jesus or God. I think it has to do with peeling off the layers and finally having a glimpse of the real me underneath. That makes me happy, and that shows…
(This isn’t to say that I don’t think it sucks to have boobs disappearing and wrinkles engraved at lightning speed. That I can do without, thank you very much.)
October 1st, 2008 at 3:15 amWhile the children are small, we’re so busy jaust taking care of everything that life seems to happen without our participation… Which is why I’ve decided recently, that I’m not going to live life in such a way that I’ll be sitting there 10 years from now, kicking myself for a bunch of things I didn’t do.
October 1st, 2008 at 3:42 amOh my. I came here hoping for a little funny pick me up before I crash for the night and find you are having the same thoughts that I do. I am just a little OVER 40 and have no clue what I am doing and hoping I can figure it out before someone notices!
October 1st, 2008 at 3:51 amI would be all over the mid life crisis thing but I don’t seem to have time to have a mid life crisis……..maybe after I make dinner? Or do laundry……
If that’s a midlife crisis, then I’m having mine at 28.
October 1st, 2008 at 4:28 amVery touching and such of a good reminder. I will tuck this into the back of my brain and try to draw from it every day.
October 1st, 2008 at 4:48 amWow, these words spoke to me. I could have written them myself. I get the acute realization now and then, too. And it is a sad, sort of scary one. Hang in there. There are a bunch of us out there going through the same types of things.
Oh, and don’t try the comb-over. I’m not sure what your hair looks like, but comb-overs rarely work.
October 1st, 2008 at 5:21 amChris, Having read your entire Journal from beginning to end and checking in with you every single day I would say you are an awesome Mother and an awesome person.
You do so much for and with your children than an aweful lot of Mothers could ever dream of doing. I personally think you are totally amazing.
One would hope that the fact that your Daughter has noticed how well you keep everything clean and tidy will actually rub off on her and that she will want to emulate you. I hope too that the boys will to some degree as there is nothing better than a man who is also helpful around the place. They will also have learnt from both of you that you can do things for yourselves and do them successfully.
I am so totally amazed that you have so successfully homeschooled all of them, kept house so well and had what seems a wonderful family life with them.
Unfortunately there will always be those missed moments and those things that we say and regret later, but we can’t change those, we just have to move on from them and make up for them in other ways.
YOU ARE ONE AMAZING MUM WHO HAS A TOTALLY AMAZING FAMILY>
Take Care and enjoy the moment.
October 1st, 2008 at 7:08 amLots of Love Carolynn xxxx
it IS a single chance and at 53, i feel your pain. with kids (27, 25, 22,18 and 16,) the time goes so incredibly quickly that it can take your breath away. you are wise enough to appreciate the good, the bad, and the ugly as it transpires. i really believe that is all that is required. blessings
October 1st, 2008 at 7:22 amI’ll be 40 next month. I thought I’d be more “together”. In what ways I’m not sure. I guess we’re all drifting in the same boat. Sigh.
October 1st, 2008 at 7:22 amI’ve been thinking on my own mortality lately. When you’re young and in shape, you’re relatively “immortal”, at least in your own mind. Now that I’m getting to the wrong side of my 40s and horribly out of shape, things like a sudden coronary or cancer are no longer so statistically improbable. I could croak right now, in massive pain, leaving my young daughter behind, having had a life that pretty much consisted of waiting for life to start happening. Yeah, I AM a total wet blanket, why do you ask?
October 1st, 2008 at 7:31 amRelax….you will get wiser (and better) by the day.
I’m 46 now and I’m a different person then even 10 years ago.
More understanding, more patience, like myself wayyy better,put up with less crap,no more toxic people are tolerated,and can now forgive myself for being such an un-perfect parent.
Sheee…I’m piratically Ghandi like. LOL
October 1st, 2008 at 7:38 amthat’s practically…uh ….not piratey.:)
Chris says:But the image of Ghandi as pirate is priceless
October 1st, 2008 at 7:39 amI lay awake at night now my daughter is married and living in another state and silently weep thinking was I too hard on her, was I too strict? Then I see some kids from her class who never had rules and who are now adults with no structure still in their lifes and think I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself either! You sound like a great parent and your kid will remember all the good times!!
October 1st, 2008 at 7:45 amI have had almost a week of *up* (and I know why, and it is all good and not medicated related ;-)) but today is a blue day (and I HAVE a baby to distract me!) BUT, some days are hard and full of sadness and regret and hindsight filled…
I am 40plus, and know I will never do all I wish to do, know all I wish I had, done all I dreamed of - but I know to focus on the small moments. Excel in the small things; spend time with those who will be fleeing my arms/side soon.
I have finally learned though, that if I am not at peace, content - that it really does affect the entire household. I NEVER liked that saying, “if mama ain’t happy - no one is happy” (that is how my mom operated…) and I refuse to put that on my family, it happens - but I won’t live by that.
Pure rambling - ’cause I am a bit bluesy today, and am okay with that — and besides, you started it!
Gentle Squeeze! You are amazing!
October 1st, 2008 at 7:53 amI popped (and it made a sound) on over here from Navel Gazing and I’m so glad I did.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:00 amYou see, I’m maybe only 33 but I have these thoughts all the time. Yesterday was a terrible day and I woke up this morning thinking I totally suck as a patient, loving and wise mother.
That’s depressing.
But reading this validated me and reminded me that we really are only human, our emotional wells get all dried up sometimes. So it’s easier to just be a good cleaner than to be patient a lot of the time. Not that all mothers should just accept it when they feel like failures and scrub the floor all day. But maybe we should forgive ourselves and move on, trying a bit harder.
Geez this is long. One last thing. I think it means you’re a bit wise if you recognize this struggle and care about it. Just sayin’
Don’t you think that feeling comes and goes? I felt similarly a few months ago but lately I have been on a good streak. Therapy helps tremendously.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:13 amWay back when I was in my 20’s (I’m “almost” 40 in May next year) I don’t think I could even conceive of life past 30. Even if I could have projected I certainly agree, I’m not where I thought I’d be–for whatever that’s worth.
I do know this, I spent my whole childhood wishing I was a grown up and now that it’s here it’s going so fast that I don’t feel like I’m enjoying it enough (same with my kids, my marriage and all the “good” stuff in my life). It’s all so bittersweet and darn it I just want the sweet part (’cause for pete’s sake after 2 kids I’ve got the hips to hold it).
October 1st, 2008 at 8:18 ami loved this post, for your honesty. its comforting to know that we’re not alone on this journey…that we all feel as tho we fall short, at the end of the day. and to be able to encourage eachother in that, is an incredible thing. for all that *stuff* you didn’t do, you’re also right where you need to be, and doing a beautiful job at being you.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:29 ami have been reading your blog for close to a year. i am inpsired by your photography mostly, but many of your posts have moved me. and all too often, after reading an entry i find myself saying “i could have WRITTEN that!”…this one is no different…
therein lies special quality inherent in blogging. specifically mama-blogging. there is SUCH a share experience regardless of the differences which ultimately define us.
yet, the ultimate goal as a mama, i believe IS MINDFULNESS. just being PRESENT in each. and. every. moment.
man, is it hard. but reflection like yours brings you back. and sharing it with the world, helps us ALL to bring ourselves BACK. from lala-land to HERE. now. whatever it is. and just SEE it.
mindfulness=happiness.
LOVE LOVE LOVE!
October 1st, 2008 at 8:46 amI think the only way to describe it is the acute realization that this is it. This one shot at life is all we get and OH MY GOD it is passing me by.
Yes. Not yes to your life, but yes to the sentiment. I’ve been having minor moments of panic about this lately. Should I run off and join the Peace Corps? Run for office? HAVE A CHILD? I need to volunteer, touch lives, do something meaningful before I leave this earth. Do I want blogger, snarker, wino listed on my headstone?
I’m depressing myself. Must stop.
October 1st, 2008 at 9:11 amI recognize those feelings - I call them *stress,* not mid-life crisis. Just like PMS or the something horrible happening in your life, I think long-term stress makes some hormonal changes in your body that impact the ways you think about deep things. So, if turning 40 stresses you out, that may be it. If remodeling, homeschooling, sports, teenagers, etc. stresses you out, that may be it. I doubt there is one thing on that list you would really want to change - there wasn’t on my list. I ended up making some minor adjustments and, believe it or not, started yoga and meditation (when did I have time for that? I guess I did drop some other stuff after all). I saw a woo-woo doctor who told me my adrenal glands were in bad shape from the stress - I believed that but didn’t follow her bizarre advice involving 24 different pills throughout the day. Overall - things are good.
October 1st, 2008 at 9:14 amAt 55, I realized exactly the same thing…all over again. I had the same thoughts at 40. I continue to be amazed at where my life has taken me and what I have (and have not) accomplished. Truly, the days and months honestly seem to fly by after you turn 50 so take advantage of the next 10 years…and THEN you can have your mid-life crisis!
October 1st, 2008 at 9:17 amI am a 26 (27 next week) year old mother and I am clueless. I often have moments when I am terrified because I am not having more children so I have to do it right the first time. I don’t get to have 1 child good and and 1 bad. This is it. I sometimes think of the moments that passed without the “I Love You’s” and times when I was more harsh then I should have been. But you know what. I am doing the best I can. She is happy and as long as she has more happy memories than not, then I have done my job. As long as you are doing the best you can, look at what you have done. You are making those babies happy and so what if you get angry now and then, look at them and know that they are the best part of you and that should be enough.
October 1st, 2008 at 9:25 amThank you for being so honest. I experience these feelings daily so I empathize with every word you wrote. I think I am so addicted to the highs and lows of life that often I miss the calm of every day living, where I can be in the moment and give the little ones what they need without putting myself in the equation.
I know, as I’m certain you do, that my children know how much I love them, that they always come first, even if at that particular moment I am screaming over the crumbs left on the floor after dinner. Our job is the most difficult on earth. Let us remember THAT every night, as we deconstruct our bad decisions from hours earlier. I dare anyone to walk in our shoes and not feel these same feelings.
A good parent, I believe, does not stop thinking about the role he or she plays in their child’s life, how we sometimes make things more difficult, and even how we may create some of the problems. But we’re also responsible for a lot of the good. Let us never forget that.
It is good to connect with others who are in the same boat. As a forty year old stay at home mother of four children all 19 months apart in age, I relate. I understand. I hear you. And I leave you with one question. Do you think your children are better off than you were as a child? Answering that may help you in times of despair.
Peace.
October 1st, 2008 at 9:32 amWell said!
October 1st, 2008 at 9:37 amIt’s funny to read your post today - I was having similar thoughts yesterday, about all that I’ve let myself miss out on, all the times I rushed or yelled or lost my patience or temper.
One of the things that stings the most? Remembering the days that I let my four year old little girl (she’s now 6) eat lunch all alone at the kitchen table, because I was too busy writing emails, paying bills, hiding on the computer… She sat there, all by herself, eating her pb & j, staring off into space, just quietly alone.
That breaks my heart now. I’m ashamed.
October 1st, 2008 at 9:52 amthe day i watched my youngest child walk away from my car and into high school for the first time was the day that i realized that my “job” is nearly done.
my other “babies” are all grown (18, 19, 24, 27). only the last of the mohicans remains to give me my “one last time to …”
and i still have no idea what i’m doing. i keep hoping i’ll figure it out, but alas …
October 1st, 2008 at 9:58 amI’m probably going to win the age race with this one. I can tell you that I felt the same way many times. Now at age 71 (well, okay, it’s going to be 72 on the 26th!) I look at my children and grandchildren and know that I could have done things better with them but they are such great people, and I am so proud of them, that I must have been doing a better job than I thought. We pretty much do the best we can at the time, sometimes it is not as good as we would like, but it is always the best we CAN do. I hope that makes sense to you, I have used it in many cases to forgive others by thinking, “well they were doing as best they could,” and I hope to be forgiven in the same way. When you think about it it is the truth. We are busy humans and we sometimes are exhausted, stressed and still we keep trying and raising great kids.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:30 amMID LIFE CRISIS? Yes. No diapers or baby cribs? Yes. DOING YOUR BEST? YES!
i love it when you write stuff like this. straight from the heart and so honest. i’m 41 and in the past month have been to 3 funerals. my friends parents are passing away. my father-in-law is hooked up to life support - and two weeks ago he was fine. things change in a moment, and i feel that so much lately.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:46 ami hear you. there is some collective “something” going on in the world right now. with so much tumult everywhere i think many are internalizing it — or that is what i am telling myself, because how can it be coincidental that so many i know are struggling right now…. content in their lives, but struggling all the while. i am with you on this, though.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:01 amChris…
I know I’m going to get tsk-tsked for this but approaching 30, I feel very similarly. I married early (19) and my first baby came along 2 years later, quite by surprise. I have been doing a lot of thinking about how my parenting has suffered because of my youth, and how hopefully, I’m getting it more right as I gain maturity. I’m pregnant with our third right now and we are planning on me stopping work (outside of the home) and becoming a SAHM - something I NEVER thought I would ever do, much less WANT to do. Anyway, the regrets I have are for my older two - how this baby is getting different parents than what they had for the first several years of life - hopefully from here on out though, they have better. Because you’re right - this is a one-shot thing.
:sigh: I don’t know if that makes sense - I’m all rambly and hormonal
October 1st, 2008 at 11:22 amWelcome aboard the merry-go-round! I felt like this when I was around your age. Then it got better. Then worse. Now it’s time for “better” again! Beautiful post.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:39 amI too love this revealing post. It resonates with so many of us. I just hope you feel better. It is distressing to see a fellow mother in an unhappy state.
Little children are never good at showing gratitude for the important things; try asking your older kids for a few unsuspecting words of praise. Better yet, ask your husband.
While we all make small mistakes, those mistakes are just that - small. You’ve done the big things right (homeschooling for one). It will just take time to reap those sacrifices.
Whether we’ll still have our sanity by then is another question.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:41 amI have a 1 yr old daughter, a 4 mo granddaughter (dd age 24), and a 7 week grandson (son 22) and am 43. That is the beauty and gift of grandchildren. You are not responsible for anything but love. All the time spent raising their parents is now free to spend on their children. Everyone wins–children who are loved, younger parents get time to do their parent chores, and you get freedom to just be now. The babies are all so close in age but the difference is amazing. I take colicky grandbaby to give momma a break, knowng that no of it is my fault, no guilt just comfort for a baby. It wasn’t that simple with my own colicky children. It is said we are not raising our children, we are really raising our grandchildren. It’s true.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:55 amDear Lord. I think you were channelling my own words with that post. You summed up SO MUCH of how I’m feeling lately. I’ll be 38 in February and I just feel SO OLD. And truly, feeling old isn’t bad…it’s the feeling SO CLUELESS that stinks. I thought I would BE more, KNOW more, WORRY less, SMILE more, LIVE more. And I don’t. So if I don’t now, when will I ?????
October 1st, 2008 at 11:56 amOMG….. I cant read enough of you. I love how you sum up life with growing kids…. it is exactly how I feel…..and Im guessing it has to be pretty universal. Thank goodness Im not alone yelling at the ceiling at days end
October 1st, 2008 at 12:01 pmI think there’s a lot to be said for being content.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pmI’m always amazed that you do so much so well. Your children are happy and healthy and you home school! and your house is beautiful and tidy… It would be a wonder if with all you do that you wouldn’t get cranky or feel put upon every once in a while. After all you’re not Ghandi (piratey or not). You have so many successes that it’s not fair that the small failures take over in those quiet moments. Try to kick those regrets out of your brain when they come creepin’ in… arrrgh, be a piratey Ghandi.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:21 pmI think the same things - will she remember that I yelled or swatted her on the ass when she backtalked me or will she remember that we made fairyhouses in the backyard or played mini golf or stayed in our pajamas all day…those are the things I want her to remember. Am I short tempered - yes. Am I stressed and worried about everything - yes. But the joy in a 7 year old’s laugh is the thing that keep me going and trying to be a better mother. Dust will always be there.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:18 pmWell having kids that are 38, 30, and 25, I can tell you that I feel what you are saying! Sheesh, I am old. Loving every minute of it because hey, I’m still here.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:38 pmI think you are doing an awesome job. Great thinking post!
I’m (almost) 40 and have a feeling I’ll never get it together as well.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:04 pmI feel that way pretty much every single day. What could I have done better? What should I have done? Why I did what I did? etc.
But you know what? The very fact that you take the time to look back over your day and see where you could make changes proves YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t analyze your day and see where you could make it better. You would shrug and figure your kids will get over it.
You are learning and constantly making changes in yourself and your family to make life better. You are smarter than you think.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:05 pmActing on the recommendation of an associate, I read Gail Sheehy’s “Passages” this year. I’m glad I did, up until then I’d thought I was the only person on the face of the world who was just barely holding it together. Surely if anyone could see who I “really” was they’d be repulsed. As it turns out I’m normal, and nearly everyone fears they’ll be discovered as a fraud. Now “fake it until you make it” is my mantra!
October 1st, 2008 at 2:25 pmI could have written much of this. *sigh* Made me cry. Fiddle faddle.
October 1st, 2008 at 4:08 pmThis is a great topic that gets all of us thinking doesn’t it? I loved reading all of your comments as much as reading the original post. The best thing about it is that everyone has felt this way to some degree and blogs are an amazing tool we have that no other prior generation had. We get the chance to relate to one another, to feel joy or heart ache or regret with one another and to comfort one another. Our modern society has many advantages but lacks community and I love that with so little effort, here we are acting and feeling as a community. Thanks everyone for being such an amazing group of women. I don’t know you but I love you!
October 1st, 2008 at 4:27 pmMaybe eventually we realize that we don’t need to know what we’re doing for sure. My grandmother is in the last stages of cancer and she says that in the end, it only matters who you loved and that you loved them as much as humanly possibly. And that you tried your best with what you were given in this world.
Hard to imagine that I’ll come to that, but hopefully one day I will. One thing that is obvious is that you adore those kids of yours, even when you spend your days at baseball. They’ll remember that, I’m sure of it.
Chris says: If they don’t remember it I have plenty of photogrpahic evidence to shove down their throats
October 1st, 2008 at 4:44 pmThe first part of your post makes me think of this poem that I heard last week…
http://professorlamp.com/ed/If_I_Had.html
October 1st, 2008 at 5:10 pmI think that the greatest curse of motherhood is that WE DO NOT GIVE OURSELVES ENOUGH CREDIT. All of our “faking it” is how we learn and how we get better. I’m guessing that any professional dancer, corporate executive, or otherwise “successful” individual has faked their way through so many situations that they’ve learned A LOT and opened opportunities along the way. Keep on going girlfriend, and realize you know SO much more than you did at 20… I think one of the qualities of true greatness is realizing how much we have to learn.
October 1st, 2008 at 5:12 pmI love it when you write posts like this. I can completely relate. Thank you.
October 1st, 2008 at 5:41 pmYou expressed so well what many of us (almost)forty year old mothers/women are going through — being not unhappy yet fretting over whether or not we’re living up to our full potential. Thanks for showing us we’re not alone!
October 1st, 2008 at 6:03 pmI’m a lurker until now, after reading your post. I HAD to write.
October 1st, 2008 at 6:11 pmYou have expressed my thoughts exactly these past couple of days. I turned 39 yesterday. Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one who feels this way!
OIY! Feeling older by the minute. I soooo, related to what the S.C. said about not have a baby to distract. I have done nothing but mother and coddle for 13 years. What does the next faze of my life hold?? This sorta freaks me out, a lot! As a women in my mid-thirties I never imagined that I would be freaked out by anything, let alone the RAPID progression of time.
This was such an insightful post. I love your blog, count me as a new reader!
October 1st, 2008 at 6:22 pmI think most mothers, including me, feel that same sense of regret at the end of the day, notice missed kisses and short-tempered moments. At 44 I am calmer, I take a little more time to notice the smaller things but I still can see where I can make it better.
When I see my mum, in her mid 70’s, I notice how she hugs every child in reach, kisses all her flock when we leave or enter a room and how she tells us all that we are good people and how much she loves us. She’s got it together.
You’ll get there too, just don’t forget to enjoy the view on the way there. And those old men in the fast red car with the young girly on his lap don’t get it … EVER!
October 1st, 2008 at 6:54 pmso well put, and total made me think… I am so glad I stumbled onto your blog! I am not going to rush to put on that stupid load of laundry. Actually, I am going to log off, give my babe a kiss, and snuggle with my husband and watch “pushing daisies” and TALK about our day and weekend plans! That is going to make me happy
October 1st, 2008 at 7:49 pmGet a motorcycle. It’s better on gas.
Wait until menopause. You think gravity’s a b*itch? Try the sudden lowering of collagen brought on the the drop is estrogen. HA! Not to mention being unable to even conjure up the word collagen without many minutes of contemplation…
It’s perfectly normal for a woman to have a mid-life crisis in her late 30s. You’ll feel better shortly, trust me.
And then you’ll have another lovely decade until you turn into Crepe Lady.
*sigh*
October 1st, 2008 at 8:06 pmCan I get an AMEN!
October 1st, 2008 at 8:11 pmMidlife crisis– or you can do what I did– buy a jet ski.
Chris says: But I don’t live near any water! I think that might be a drawback
October 1st, 2008 at 8:43 pmChris
We, who have had children, know all too well what you feel.The years of babies growing to be children,the adults that then move on to start their own families, the loss we feel initially. It is that generational circle that keeps us together.
Our kids will remember the good memories, the memories that started traditions for them to carry on with their own children.
The only thing I wish to pass on to my children is that which we learn as grandparents. Let the dishes go, the vacuuming can wait, the laundry will be there tomorrow.
Let go and enjoy those fleeting years of childhood with your kids. They fly by and are never to be seen again.
Sue
October 1st, 2008 at 11:10 pmI think another title of this wonderful post could be: Is This Life? If so, then I would say, yes, I think I can say that it is. At the ripe age of 50, I have felt exactly as you have expressed (and thank you for your beautiful clarity of complexity!)ALL the time. Almost continually do I feel this way now. I actually see babies and weep, weep in front of strange mothers just in joy but also with complete compassion for everything that they are going to go through. It is just the hardest, most wonderful, most heart-wrenching job in the entire world. The raging regret creeps in sometimes though, and once it lodges inside, it won’t let go. I am not going to say that of course you are an amazing mother because honestly, that is not the point. The point is that no matter who we are and what we do (within reason of course - I am not talking about crazy or drug-addled/alcoholic mothers here — just your average, do your best mom), we are going to just know that every.single.day we will have that stab of recognition that we do not know what we are doing! My kids are 20 and 17, and I really think it gets harder in some ways. I love them so much, and I think my job is almost done, but is it? Did I do it right? I can’t just bake them in the oven again and taste test them. They are pretty cooked aren’t they?
October 1st, 2008 at 11:44 pmI’d stick with the convertible, comb-over’s aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. A good draft and you’re done for.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:56 pm**But I realized, as I was typing, that I had no concept of forty way back when.**
I remember when I was young - 10 or so - and I figured out that I would be 35 in the year 2000. I seriously wondered if I would be able to enjoy it, or would I be too old. I think I thought I might be in a wheelchair by then.
As it turns out, I hadn’t even had my two kids yet, and 35 is so much younger than I thought.
Thanks for a great post.
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:22 amyou put into words alot of what I think on a daily basis. it’s so nice to know that i’m not the only one! Thanks!
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:39 amI verge on the cliffs of panic nearly every day when I sit and think back and realize it’s all flying by. I’m not afraid of aging itself, but I’m so scared of life being so different when I’m older….I want this to be forever!
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 amI understand your feelings well.
Now, however, you need to lie in bed tonight and think of all of the things you’ve done RIGHT as a mother. Because I’m guessing the list is much, much longer.
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:44 amWhat a fantastic post and so many great responses. It’s nice to not feel so alone in my thoughts.
Missy’s response about her 4-yr old eating her sandwich alone at the table absolutely killed me. I see myself doing that sometimes - my 6 yr old son eating his snack while I’m racing around the house doing other things. I know we have to be realistic with ourselves and understand that we can’t always have all of our undivided attention on our kids… but I know I spend far too much time keeping the household together compared to the time I should be focusing on my son.
And I admit I feel a bit resentful that my husband and 14 year old step-daughter don’t do more to help out around the house so I’M not the one who’s always responsible for picking up. Picking up when I could instead be spending time with my boy.
But in the end, it’s still my choice. My doing. My actions. Inside, I know that the anxiety I feel about a messy house and no clean laundry will be nothing compared to the sadness I’ll feel when I look back and realize I should have just dropped it all and spent time with my son.
So why do I keep doing it?
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:44 pmI am 47 years old. I have been waiting all. my. life. for my ‘real life’ to start. I have wasted so much time NOT enjoying the RIGHT NOW. And the realization that this IS my ‘real life’ - wow. That hit me hard.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:48 pmOH.MY.GOD. I too have been having similar feelings….i have 6 kids and am lately feeling broody for another…I’m almost afraid of all the baby years ending,even though a part of me wants to get past all the baby stage i don’t want to let it go!!!! how crazy is that!….
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pmSheesh! isn’t this the case! I have been feeling like that since shortly after I graduated high school, because when I actually graduated, I thought I knew everything and that I was just meant to coast through the rest of my life. Seriously, I could just smack myself back then!
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:41 pmI know what you mean, because now at my age, I cannot believe the amount of things that I do NOT know! I too feel like I’m winging it some days, just doing the best that I can. I was so hoping 40 would shed some light… maybe 50?
I swear to God I did not read this before I posted today. But I’ve been feeling something very similar. Can it still be a midlife crisis at 31?
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:25 amSome years back, I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who happened to be (significantly) older than I - at the time, I was 27 and my friend had just celebrated her 65th birthday. We were at dinner one night and I looked at her and said “OK, so this may be a dumb question, but… When do I start feeling like a grown up?” Her response was pretty succinct: “I have no idea, I’ve never had it happen yet.”
And that’s when it hit me: the dirtiest secret out there isn’t the strange things people do behind closed doors or how our tax money is being spent or that the great slacks everyone compliments me on came from Goodwill.
It’s that we never grow up in the space under our hair, even when our eyes have gone crepey and our fanny is halfway to our knees.
Feeling like a “grown up” is a myth perpetuated on us by others who faked it before.
(I can’t even blame the growth of my kids for marking these passages, either, as I’ve not got them.)
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:00 pmI think the equivalent for women is coloring our hair red, buying expensive jewelry and escaping on a 4-day girls weekend, where we sit around drinking margaritas and eating chocolate desserts trying to find a shred of who we once thought we were. Until we realize that we’re missing the chaos of our kids and then we pack up and go back home.
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October 4th, 2008 at 9:43 amI had a “surprise” baby girl 2 1/2 years ago. I am embaressed to say that I was kind of bummed to be preggers again. I even cried a little at first.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:41 pmBut when school started this September I packed up the other 3 kids for school,waived goodbye,gave kisses and went home with my now 2 1/2 year old “surprise” and cried as I thought what would I do with out you???? It is just her and I as all of the other kids are in school all day. I couldnt believe where the time had gone but it was gone. I promised never again to be a “basket head” mother and live in the moment. I set time aside every day to play on the floor with my little “surprise’ as I know all too well that time is unforgiving and soon I will be waiving goodbye,giving her kisses and going home…..alone.
Okay soooo the other comment I wrote was’nt exactly about having a mid life crisis but I think the feelings you are talkin about are things that every womam feels at any age. I used to be a bueatiful blonde bombshell of a teenager and flirted till my hearts desire. Now I am an over weight, mommy.(sigh)
October 8th, 2008 at 5:52 pmI watched Sex and the City the movie and at the end of the movie. Sara Jessica Parker makes a profound statement about “Titles” She said why do we feel we need titles such as wife? bride?mother? Why do we need these titles? Would we be loved,adored if we were just ourselves? No title. I asked my husband if I were NOT your wife,NOT the mother of your children. If I was JUST a person, JUST a woman. Would you still love me? In true man form he said “Honey I dont know what you are talkin’ about and Im afraid to answer” But I wondered about that, to me I am JUST ME.
Holy crap, where have you been all my life? I just discovered your blog and this post stopped me in my mean-mommy-baby-has-a-fever-I-haven’t-showered-in-3-days tracks. I think as my husband left with my tantrum girls an hour ago for a family reunion I actually sang “I love it when people treat me like dirt” in my best opera voice just to make sure he couldn’t ignore my suffering. Now it’s quiet, the baby is sleeping, and just as those “what kind of horrible person am I” thoughts are swirling in my head, I find this post. THANK YOU. I think I’ll go take a shower now before the little sick man starts screaming. Did I say THANK YOU???
October 12th, 2008 at 12:37 pm