The Teen Years Just Got Easier
October 10, 2008
Threatening to whip out this little photo for future dates has assured me a smooth ride through those teen years.
Liz wrote yesterday about her daughter wanting to wear play make-up and her uneasiness with it all, an uneasiness I think that most of us raised to be good feminists share. Where is the line between over sexualization of little girls and playing dress up? I don’t have an answer. Like Supreme Court justice Potter Stewart said when talking about pornography, I know it when I see it, but can’t easily define it.
I wasn’t allowed to wear make-up until high school. I wasn’t allowed to get my ears pierced until I was 13, though I finally begged and pleaded enough to get it down to 12. I couldn’t shave my legs until junior high, and trust me my people need to shave their legs. I also wasn’t allowed to wear colored nail polish. Combine all of this with a school uniform that consisted of a plaid skirt that came below the knee and knee socks and you can see why the boys were beating down my door.
“Just hold still, Miles. It isn’t going to hurt.”
I am just beginning to navigate these waters with my daughter. She already got her ears pierced. She is allowed to paint her nails whatever color she likes. She has a little make-up case, filled mostly with chapsticks, glitter lip gloss, and samples I got and rejected. I guess you could make the argument that I allow her to wear ugly make-up.
My line in the sand has more to do with clothing choices. My daughter will dress like a little girl, dammit, not a Bratz doll. And I will say it right here, right now, my daughter will never wear a pair of short shorts that says “Juicy” across the ass.
“I don’t wike dat stuff on my wips.”
Also, I figure that as long as my daughter and son are wearing the same make-up that we are still firmly in the playing dress-up camp.
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Priceless. And perfect ammunition for the years ahead. Rehearsal dinner material too!
October 10th, 2008 at 8:48 amThese are the things I am going to miss by having all boys.
I think you are doing it right. Girls need to be allowed to be girly.
And seriously….what is with those bratz dolls??? Are we trying to teach our girls that you are only pretty if you look like you are a pole dancer?
October 10th, 2008 at 9:02 amI agree with your opinion that she is dressing up like a girl, not a Bratz doll… there is certainly a difference!
And, Miles is possibly the cutest thing ever even without his pink nail polish.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:09 amI think your decisions are right. My daughter is about to be five this month and she had her ears pierced as a baby and I polish her nails every now and then. There is a big difference in letting your girls be girly and letting them be too grown. I think as parents in a different world we have to find a good in between and I think you are doing fine. Hell, I hope I’m doing fine! :o)
October 10th, 2008 at 9:10 amI agree! Although, we haven’t done the ear piercing thing, yet. That’s more because I don’t want to have to deal with the caring for them. Also, I know my oldest would freak out from the ‘pain’. It’s always a pleasant time when she loses a tooth, I couldn’t imagine ear piercing. LOL
The pictures are great! The first one he looks willing. The second one, it looks like he feels tortured.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:19 amWhen girls are little, the make-up is cute. When they are teens, and the make-up is applied in such a manner that you cannot recognize them, it is not cute. That’s when the fun starts.
We held off on the ear-piercing to make it a special, rite of passage sort of thing (age 12). Also, to make sure she was old enough to take care of the new piercings adequately.
Just don’t talk to me about the clothing issue - it is a constant problem. 40 years of feminism has brought us to our daughters dressing like sluts. You’ve got to wonder…
October 10th, 2008 at 9:21 amThe football is very telling.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:37 amMy daughter just started wearing makeup at age 12. I wasn’t sure when I would allow her, didn’t have a set age in mind. When I noticed that the majority of her friends were already wearing it last year, I decided once she asked I would see how I felt about it. She is allowed as long as it is to our standards, meaning not too thick or gaudy. She does a wonderful job of applying it, so I feel that I made the right decision. Now dating, that one I am still torn on. She is not dating until she is older, I’m just not sure how much older. My 5 year old however, wears makeup when she plays dress up but is not allowed to wear it out in public. She is allowed to paint her nails, and often we end up painting my sons also. What can you do?
October 10th, 2008 at 9:43 amI agree. Thankfully I have both boys, but we went to Oktoberfest last weekend and there was a little girl probably no more than 10 watching the puppet show with her crack showing. I leaned over to my husband and said “Reason 2,365 why I’m glad we don’t have a girl.” Well that and PMS.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:43 amAs soon as the ultrasound tech proclaimed our 4th child to be a girl, all of the rules changed. My husband started saying things about words on her bottom, about make-up, about holes in ears, about boys, about never shaving her legs…
Thus people have made him eat his words. Diaper cover “panties” with her name or ruffles have become the new norm in our house.
I agree that it is good to let girls be girly as opposed to womanly.
And I love the pictures of your son in make-up. The make-up is doing exactly as its intention: highlighting natual beauty.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:52 amI agree with the clothing thing! When I volunteer at the elementary school and they are all sitting on the floor for whatever reason…it’s easier to count the little girls without their butt crack showing from those lovely low cut jeans.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:01 amHow adorable is he? I want a chomp on his little cheeks cuz I hate lip gloss too.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:09 amLove the beat-up football in hand while having lipstick applied!
October 10th, 2008 at 10:10 amVery well said. I agree with you on the clothes and the makeup. My son also loves him some glitter toenail polish!
October 10th, 2008 at 10:11 amThat is SO precious! I especially love that first photo when Miles lips are pursed up.
I concur with you on your dressing guidelines. I also have conservative views on how my daughter (who just turned 8)can dress. Our neighbor-girl across the street though always seems to have an overall trashy look — and she’s just 6 months older than my daughter. But each parent has their own standards so my head continues to spin like Linda Blaire every time I see this little girl walk to the bus-stop.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:11 amWe had a make-up benefactor that gave her whole out dated stock of mary kay to our daughters, lots of orange lipstick, peacock eyeshadow, and fuschia blush ( all the colors nobody would buy). They always ended up making clown faces on each other and their friends.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:23 amI think it is like everything else in childhood. You have to educate them. Yes it is okay to wear makeup, just do it correctly and not plastered on.
I have 4 girls. They range in age from 8 to 13. The oldest has just begun to wear makeup on a regular basis. And she is in 7th grade. She is in volleyball and has to dress up on the days they have a match so she adds a little makeup. I feel as long as it is just enhancing their natural beauty it is fine.
And we had their ears pierced when they were 2. I had to wait until I was 12 and by then I wanted to change my earrings every. single. day. and the waiting period about killed me. Plus I would take the earrings out and my Mom had to stick the earrings back in through skin that was growing back. I have very vivid memories of that. ha! I figured if our girls got theirs done early enough they would be completely healed by the time they could change their own earrings regularly.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:24 amI’ve got some great ones of my oldest son after the neighbourhood girls got a hold of him.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:26 amWe haven’t done the ear piercing for my daughters yet, figure 13 as the earliest.
These pictures are just adorable. I love the story they tell!!
Leeann
October 10th, 2008 at 10:52 amniccofive.blogspot.com
I so completely agree! My little girl (5) loves to play dress up full on with costumes and makeup and hairdos. While she does get done up for dance recital (stage makeup to an extent, and the hairdo), she dresses like a little girl too.
My oldest (13) got her ears pierced at 10 and doubles at 12. I’ve never disallowed her to wear makeup and she does only occasionally (so little you can barely tell even).
Juciy across the ass? That and a bunch more phrases are not coming into my house.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:52 amThat’s the same in our house. Our girls can wear “makeup,” and earrings, and nail polish (though only our younger daughter is interested in that stuff), but when it comes to clothes, we don’t even allow spaghetti straps
October 10th, 2008 at 10:58 amThank you for not letting her wear the “juicy” pants.
Sometimes I feel we’re squelching the identify of our only daughter with 4 brothers–she has zero princess dressups and very little girlie stuff. And sometimes I think we’re doing her a huge favor.
A feminist professor of mine once told me about when her daugher was trying to wear a big ribbony bow to a university event. The professor tried to talk her out of it by saying, “Brave, strong girls don’t wear those” and her daughter said, “Well I’m a brave, strong girl and I wear it.” So wear it she did.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:59 amI am with you 100 percent on the Bratz doll issue. I was horrified when my 6 year old, size 6-6x daughter said she wanted nothing else to eat but apples because she didn’t want to get fat. I don’t diet and have never said a word about dieting around her, but the messages of the world have still managed to seep in to her little brain. Scary.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:01 amI read Liz’s post yesterday and didn’t know what to say. I understood her concerns and yet felt like maybe we make a bigger deal of it than we need to. You verbalized well how I feel. I am more concerned about clothing than make-up. Although my daughter doesn’t do nail polish largely because she chews her nails badly. I hate nail polish on chewed nails.
But she has lip gloss and hasn’t asked for more. We talk about why I wear make-up and she doesn’t. I know longer have the pink in my cheeks she does or the fair complexion she has. She gets that. And ear piercing is out of the question until she will comb her hair by herself. (She’s 7 and still refuses).
I think most of it resolves itself if we are already sending them messages about what it really means to be a girl. Just my 2 cents.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:12 amI love the juxtaposition of the football and the lip gloss! And I cringe when I hear my friends say they took their preschooler to Libby Lu!
October 10th, 2008 at 11:14 amI love how he’s holding a beat up football in all of the photos.
Hooray for little girl clothes!
October 10th, 2008 at 11:15 amLOL….just wait until your daughter dresses up your son in her girly clothes. Pictures of that will make for great blackmailing items in the coming years.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:21 amI SO agree! I call the Bratz dolls the “Ugly Dolls” to my nearly 6 year old and now she calls them that too (though when she can’t hear they are called the “Slutz dolls”). It stinks that we live in a society that we have to actually set a distinction between “play” and “innapropriate” when they are so young…
October 10th, 2008 at 11:24 amI know you hear this alot, but damn your kids are cute. And so the boys weren’t beating down your door, we’ve seen your husband, my sympathy for you is minimal at best:-)
Regarding little girls, I hear you. My husband let our 5 year old daughter wear shorts that were way too small with the argument that she picked them out. I asked him if he was really willing to set that precedence already. She does like makeup and it irritates me to no end all the makeup kits out there marketed to kids her age. Mostly, though, because it all makes a mess and I can’t keep up with shit as it is. Add Polly Pockets and a bunch of little makeup applicators to the mix and I might lose my mind.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:28 amHey at least he is holding his manly football while getting his lips done.
Cute!
October 10th, 2008 at 11:43 amI agree and have put my plans of keeping my daughter an angel forever. I put the padlock on the door and cut a little hole for her meals. HA!! Just kidding.
At 6 yrs old, I can’t believe I am already arguing with my daughter over what she can wear and screaming, “I don’t care what the other little girls are doing! They! are! NOT my daughter!”
On the flip side, I have a 2.5 yrs old that wants to do everything his big sister does. I pat my husband’s back and sweetly tell him that at least he likes Batman.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:51 amIt’s an Indian custom to pierce ears very young(sometimes as young as 21 days), the reason being that babies are not conscious of the pain and don’t pull at their ears. There is a whole ceremony to go with it. So it’s pretty much not even a choice. I haven’t met a girl who doesn’t want her ears pierced anyway.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:57 amI love that he is holding that football as if it were a lifeline to his manhood.
October 10th, 2008 at 12:05 pmThe lipstick + the football = very funny photo
Definitely save for teenage years. I think I have a few toddler in the bath photos for later use. Also, one of my girls wore smocked dresses with peter pan collars with panty hose and sparkly shoes from age 3 through 6. Now she cannot stand any photos of herself from those years. personally I loved that phase…princesses, dress up, dolls, true innnocence. Now that she is 12 it is all about clothes again, though this time it is Hollister, Abercrombie, and Aeropostale. Every time you think you have mastered a phase of a child’s life, a new phase crops up.
October 10th, 2008 at 12:07 pmOh, A-to-the-Men on the clothing. I am so sick of trying to find clothes that don’t make my thirteen year old look like a hooker!
As usual, your pictures are gorgeous. Gotta love that blackmail shot.
October 10th, 2008 at 12:10 pmAMEN! I hate those bratz dolls and if/when we have a daughter she will also never wear prostitot clothing, or that’s how we so lovingly put it in my household! My husband and I are expecting our first and we were relieved it was a boy, I think having a girl first might have broken us into never having any more kids ever again.
October 10th, 2008 at 12:16 pmBy the time MIles gets married, you’ll have a full slide show for the rehearsal dinner of all kinds of pictures like these!
My daughters don’t get why I don’t let them buy shirts and shorts (and underwear, for pete’s sake!) with cherries all over them.
Um….just no!
October 10th, 2008 at 1:08 pmI do not have children, nor do I plan to. But I love reading your blog because I feel like I get the best of the funny stories from parenthood without having to experience it. It’s kind of like buying a puppy calendar for the year but not having to take one outside to piddle at 3 am or losing your favorite shoes to a chewing fit.
Chris says: I wonder if the puppy calendar would work for my kids. Hmmmm…
October 10th, 2008 at 1:17 pmMy daughter won’t be wearing slutty clothes either, though my husband thinks that a slightly cropped top is too slutty. Sigh. But my daughter wears nail polish, and I did buy her some flavored lip balm that she can wear when she wants. Ear piercing will be up to her; I’ll have it done in her ped’s office whenever she wants. I just don’t see these little things as issues for us.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:37 pmI totally agree with you. I hate those Bratz dolls and my daughter is only 1 so I have a way to go. But sometimes I see little girls dressed like sluts at the park and I am amazed. My daughter will never wear strapless anything or juicy or miniskirts until she is 18. Then it is beyond my control.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:08 pmBravo! Very well put. I think we all have a hard time figuring out where to draw the line in the sand. I think I’ll just make yours a little longer and set up camp. I did feel a little guilty convincing Gracie to be a ballerina for Halloween by telling her she could wear Mommy;s make-up…but the past years she has been a lion, a kitty cat, and the very hungry caterpillar. This year’s alternate selection was a flamingo. I wanted her to dress like a little girl just once! If she thinks it’s okay to wear make-up with a costume, I’m okay with that. If she thinks she needs it with her every-day clothes, I’ve done something wrong.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:12 pmYour conclusion that your kids are still in the dress-up camp seems right. I can only concur with everyone else as far as what we’ve accomplished in the last 40 years of feminism. As late as today I almost lost it when a student of mine arrived in class dressed in what I would term a “teddy” and jeans…
October 10th, 2008 at 2:45 pm(formerly at Life after AC)
My daughter is 6 and has girls in her 1st grade class that wear shorts with all sorts of words across the butt!!
Not mine sister!
October 10th, 2008 at 3:57 pmWhen my son was three, he wanted pink Converse high tops. He wore them with pride. And there was the “Princess David” pahase. He’s all blue and boy now.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:14 pmI love that picture! I can’t believe he let you take a picture
I agree about no bratz clothes or anything written across her ass. I guess i’m a little bit overprotective because i wouldn’t let my eleven year old shave until 6th grade and no earring until 13 either. she doesn’t seem to care. but she can’t paint her nails any color she wants.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:24 pmMy niece is 4 and is starting to want the Bratz dolls instead of Barbie dolls. I’ve told her that Bratz are for 6 year olds but I’m not her Mom and I see Bratz stuff making its way in. She still loves her princess dresses though.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:28 pmI had to talk one of my young friends here at work out of buying sweats with “Juicy” on the ass. She could NOT figure out why I think they’re completely disgusting and inapropriate. I finally just told her that having a juicy ass is usually something you need medication for. Talking about how it’s vaguely porn-like didn’t get through to her!
October 10th, 2008 at 5:31 pmThose pictures are just too cute! You must carefully preserve them as bribes later on.
Another A-to-the-Men on not dressing little girls like hookers. What the heck happened? How did hooker-chic become the norm? For anyone, never mind little girls. It’s just bizarre.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:59 pmAs always, you address a common parenting issue with equal parts eloquence and humor. I have two daughters and am grappling with this clothing issue regularly. I’m with you in that I refuse to let my girls be “label whores” who advertise overpriced, inappropriate clothing lines. But playing makeup or polishing their nails…they are just expressing themselves in an innocent way. It’s harmless (not that I let them out of the house covered in the goo!)
I wrote a blog entry about this subject a while back myself…not quite as eloquently as you, but as a newbie blogger and a huge fan of yours, I’d love to get your feedback.
http://nuzzie.wordpress.com/2008/08/09/of-prostitots-and-label-whores/
Love your writing and photos. Thanks for the chuckle today.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:21 pmI was not allowed to get my ears pierced till I was 13, but my younger sister was allowed and had them done twice by 13. I also did not wear make-up till junior high (then only for special occasions) and more frequently in high school - I would not have if I did not feel pressure from others in school
October 10th, 2008 at 9:27 pmPrecious pics. My girls are older and while I am not as conservative as some here, I will say I am blessed with intelligent, beautiful girls who don’t drink, do drugs or have sex (except the married one) so what they choose to wear (esp the belly button piercings) seems very minor in comparison to what could be.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:25 pmJust an FYI some of their friends with the most conservative parents are the ones sneaking with make-up and clothing that is totally inappropriate, they take it too far in the opposite direction. The kids feel like they can talk to me so I get to hear why they do what they do. Just sayin’.
I pierced my daughters ears when she was a baby. I wanted to restrict the other things such as make-up and polish, however that went out the window as she’s received both as gifts over the years. She’s ten now and I’ve eased up somewhat. She’s always had chapstick, but she is now allowed to wear a little lip gloss. That is all - nothing else. As for nail polish, any color other than hooker red. We all know that bright red which always catches the eye! As to clothing - nothing that is tight, too short, revealing, or has words on the tush. Don’t like it for big girls and definitely hate it for little girls.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:27 pmoops i meant she CAN paint her nails any color she wants, and her hair too
Does that make me less stuffy and controlling?
October 10th, 2008 at 11:06 pmYa know, I don’t know why it is we had to wait till 12 or 13 or whenever to shave our legs. If they need to be shaved, then what’s the big deal! A friend of mine helped me when I was about 13 or 14. I don’t think I cared till then so maybe that’s what keeps parents from letting you do it. And I never wore much make-up anyway, but I think I was in high school. And I never wanted my ears pierced…..until I was nearly 30. I’m sure glad we didn’t have today’s things to worry about then. I grew up in the 70’s, and we didn’t watch much TV, and played outside a lot.
October 11th, 2008 at 9:21 amI am seriously peeved as I came over when I saw the title thinking that all my problems parenting my 14 year old were going to disappear! LOL.
October 11th, 2008 at 10:03 amOk, am now over my peeve. I totally agree with letting little girls dress up if they enjoy it. I have a 7 year old girl and a 10 year old girl and they both still love it. Like you though I am careful about what they wear. As well clothes which sexualise them I also hate Jeans with Barbie/Bratz logos. I do strongly believe that boys and girls are different and this difference is good and makes the world a much more interesting place! Reinforcing self esteem and self worth in both sexes is much more important than coloured nail polish or not IMO. Mind you at the moment my 14 year old boy is the one who cannot leave the house without gelling his hair and has 3 showers/day!
Have you seen bras and thongs for 9 yr old. I wanted to buy my 9 yr a camisole kind of thing to wear under her tsihrts and I was struck by the thongs, and bras and jogging bra thing in the girls dept at Walmart and Target.
October 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pmI love your closing rationale - I’m totally buying that line of thinking.
And amen on the clothing thing - I think it is disgusting for any female to wear words across her ass, whether it be VS’s “Pink” or the not-so-subtle sexualizations as your “Juicy” example. But far and above it is an abomination of childhood for the clothing makers to even suggest us putting it on our little girls!
October 11th, 2008 at 12:35 pmSOOOOO cute!! I have three brothers and four sons…so not much froo froo in my life! But I did manage to figure out make-up-no thanks to my mom!!
October 11th, 2008 at 12:41 pm… and to think I have just been filing away the naked booty shots of my little boy!
When my daughter gets older, I’ll be sure to get her in on this deal. Some blackmail photos for me… a new pony for her, perhaps?
October 11th, 2008 at 7:40 pmThat is a good-looking boy you have there! I like the balance of the masculine with the football and the feminine lipgloss. If anyone can pull it off, Miles can!
October 11th, 2008 at 7:40 pmPriceless! Definitely pull that picture out when he is a teenager.
October 11th, 2008 at 9:38 pmI have one of my teenager dressed up in his cousins dress and dress shoes and they were getting “married.” He HATES that picture.
I just love your take on this Chris. I think I’m leaning towards the “let her experiment” camp, but not so far that we’re in the “wait what’s that 17 year-old doing in the preschool?” camp.
If I had boys of course, I’d be like sure! Use my makeup! What have we feminists wrought?
October 12th, 2008 at 1:28 pmNO words across the butt - thank you Chris!
I have never understood the logic in that particular fashion choice - because not every butt is created equal you know?
Yeah for Miles - holding a football while getting lip gloss put on. Please don’t let his sister paint his finger nails.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:16 amOk, I’m gonna be the “odd mom out” here. First off, my daughter is grown & married, and I myself was a teen in the 60’s and 70’s.
I had to “Google” Bratz pictures - but what I saw from the googles were what we wore in the 60’s/70’s. Retro chic? Anyhow - the platform shoes, mini skirts, skinny-leg hip-hugger bellbottoms and tube tops were everyday wear at my high school.
Maybe I’m old - but… it seems to me to be much ado about nothing. Kids are gonna do things to upset their parents (as teens). Younger siblings/cousins/playmates are going to want to be “cool” like their teen counterparts. As little kids, I too would not allow excess, however teens WILL be teens, the whole rebellion thing is universal - I take a “pick your battles” attitude.
October 13th, 2008 at 1:30 pm