Lucky
October 17, 2008
At least I get to see some beautiful scenery as I drive to the pediatrician’s office today. Again. With two different kids.
They really should make antibiotics in a gallon sized jug, for ease of dispensing.
I hate it when my children are sick and usually they never get sick enough to require a visit to the doctor or antibiotics. I think this is only the second time most of them have had to take them.
*****
Last night around 4am I woke up to Miles coughing in bed next to me. He seemed so sick and fragile. He seemed much worse than he had been when he went to bed a few hours before. But that is the way things always seem in the middle of the night when the only thing illuminating the room is the moonlight. The quiet allows your mind to race wild with every fear, every what if.
I lay there watching him alternate between breathing and coughing.
When my 7 yr old son was 6 weeks old he stopped breathing and turned blue. It was the middle of the night and he had been laying on my chest. We both were sleeping. I awoke suddenly and realized he wasn’t breathing. I lifted him off my chest and he was limp. I gave him a shake, something the ER doctors would ask me about over and over and over again as if I had possibly shaken my baby too hard. I hadn’t.
I had put him into his carseat and strapped it into the front seat of the car. I poked him the entire way to the ER, trying to make him cry. Because if he were crying he wasn’t dead, right?
From our local ER we were transfered by ambulance to the children’s hospital.
I held it together until we were admitted to our room and the doctor on call looked at me and said,”Your baby is safe now. We will take care of him.”
Then I cried. We stayed there for a week. The poked and prodded him, ran all sorts of tests. I stood in the hallway. I smiled and nodded at other parents. After a couple days you all recognized each other. Parents who had children that probably weren’t going to be leaving the ICU. Parents of the bald kids. Parents who stood outside the hospital room doors and cried.
I knew even at that moment that I was lucky. We would be going home. This was just going to be a blip on the screen of his life, certainly not a defining moment for him. My child was going to be fine… at least from this.
But it changed me. Even now all these years later I can’t think back on it without a lump rising in my throat. What if I hadn’t woken up? What if he hadn’t been asleep on my chest? What if when I shook him he hadn’t started breathing again?
I have never slept the same since. Though I sleep better than I did when my children were babies, I still wake up in the middle of the night and the irrational fears take hold and refuse to leave until daylight breaks. And when they are sick it is even worse.
Miles is fine, by the way. He is eating and playing and smiling. The coughing is unsettling, but it doesn’t seem to be bothering him. At least not as much as it is bothering me.
RSS feed for comments on this post.
Wow…. tears just thinking about what a trying time that must have been. And the coughing worries at night, I still get those whenever the kids are coughing (or in any manner ill).
October 17th, 2008 at 10:28 amRight now though our biggest worries is with Miss 15 and her SVT. And I wake up at night, and worry, and I think as long as you are a mother, you will wake up and worry.
I got goosebumps reading this story. So glad your family is intact today.
October 17th, 2008 at 10:39 amWhat a great color. I love this time of the year
October 17th, 2008 at 10:42 amwith all the trees turning. But wait then comes COLD
WINTER. Well enjoy the view. I’m glad the children
are doing better.
Thanks for this post, Chris. Once in a while I need that figurative slap to keep my perspective. How quickly the frustration and “woe is me” attitude dissipates when I’m reminded how damned lucky I am that my children are healthy.
October 17th, 2008 at 10:42 amThat is the stuff of nightmares.
October 17th, 2008 at 10:50 amI can see how that would change a mom forever.
I pray that I will never know that fear.
Meg
Milford,CT
Beautiful scenery but poor, poor sick kiddos and stressed Mama. Wishing you a healthy family and lots of relaxation to actually enjoy that scenery before it passes. Hugs!
October 17th, 2008 at 10:55 amChris, I so understand what you mean. When my nine yr old was 6 we were eating dinner on winters night when I noticed that his left eye was swelled. He had fallen off his sled earlier thaty day going over a jump & we thought it was due to that. We let him go to bed figuring he would be better the next day. In the morning, his eye was swelled shut and turning black & blue. I took him to the doctors & they told us to go immediatley to Children’s Hospital. He was diagnosed with “orbital cellulitus” and admitted. Had we waited another 2 hours, he could have brain damage. It was the scarriest event of my life. The doctors could not tell us how he contracted this, just that we were lucky to bring him when we did. He stayed in the hospital for 4 days (my husband stayed with him) and I went home with our 9 & 2 yr olds. So glad to say he had no ill effects from it and fine today….but I never want to experience that again!! - Jen
October 17th, 2008 at 10:56 amHow scary!
I can’t even imagine how much of a wreck I’d be. I’m already kind of neurotic - can’t wait to have kids! Ha.
October 17th, 2008 at 11:02 amI’m so sorry your babies are sick. I hope they all feel better soon.
And I’m right there with you on the middle-of-the-night thing.
October 17th, 2008 at 11:05 amChris, I just want to let you know how much I enjoy your blog — your writing style and photography are both enviable!
When my oldest daughter (now 15) was a baby, she had pneumonia. That was the most sick she had or has ever been, and it was terrifying. Isn’t it amazing how much we love these little people? That we’re willing to sit up all night, holding and rocking them to make them comfortable enough to sleep? That we wake up without knowing there’s a problem to find that they need our help?
October 17th, 2008 at 11:07 amOur third is almost 4 weeks old and was born 6 weeks early, so technically he’s not even here yet. And I find that I have become, after 13 years of parenting, a big fat Nervous Nellie. I think it’s because my girls are so delightful, and after all these years, I realize now just how miraculous that is, how fortunate we are, and how much we stand to lose.
At least the antibiotics smell like bubble gum, right? And you don’t have to taste them. Small favors.
October 17th, 2008 at 11:32 amoh Chris - so scary. we “lived” at a children’s hospital too for a while, and all the what ifs keep me awake also. Glad that they are playing and happy:)
October 17th, 2008 at 11:41 amYour story touched my heart.
October 17th, 2008 at 11:48 amI have been and still am one of those parents you passed in the hallways of the ICU. One of the ones who rode the roller coaster of a child improving and on his way to going home, to just a few hours later being told “we are doing everything we can.”
October 17th, 2008 at 11:54 amMost people really never grapple with their own mortality, and realizing that their children’s tomorrows are not guaranteed by their innocence is soul shaking. Once you know it, you can never go back. You are never the same. Never.
Oooohhhhhh. What a thing to go through when he was so young. I’m glad he’s (getting) well now.
My three tend to get sick all at once. They all get the pink stuff, and we do the “shot glasses” every night. I can’t believe that I’m capable of keeping track of med dosages for all three. When I was nursing my oldest, I could never remember which side I’d nursed on first the last time. (Does anyone else have that problem?) Much less WHEN I’d nursed the last time.
I hope things go better tonight and everyone gets a better night’s sleep.
October 17th, 2008 at 11:58 amI know what you mean. 7 years ago today my son who was born at 6pm the night before was baptized and put in ambulance and taken to Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. I went home empty handed to pack and prepare for who knows what while my husband went to Philly. I knew that leaving the hospital empty handed wasn’t the worst thing in the world b/c my baby was in good hands - but it sure did feel awful. 7 years ago tomorrow my son had open heart surgery - his first of three.
This morning I put that 7 year old on the school bus wearing a t-shirt Trouble is my middle name - and oh how it is - in a wild wonderful way. This year his ER visits have been a broken arm (cart wheel at the bowling alley) and head wound (jumping off 2 foot wall - 100th time he tripped - but no concussion…)
Glad you are lucky - but it’s still okay to be sick of sick kids. Wishing you good health and lots more luck.
October 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pmThanks for sharing such a touching story……..I am definitely giving my kids an extra hug when they get home from school………I am very, very thankful for their health, that is for sure……
October 17th, 2008 at 12:19 pmPS - this is the same kid I dropped on his head when he was 8 weeks old - I fell asleep nursing him and he fell out of bed. Want to talk about guilt…
October 17th, 2008 at 12:21 pmGoing through our third baby now and still wake up in the middle of the night, reach over put my hand on his chest and make sure he is still breathing. I have no problem with my own mortality, it’s really only about my kids that I suffer. Like you at night is the worst and even more so when they are sick. Sending happy thoughts your way.
October 17th, 2008 at 12:23 pmBeautiful scenery! WOW!
I’m sorry you’re running an infirmary over there! I think we can all relate on some level to your gripping fears of something horrible happening to our kids. Hopefully everyone’s better soon.
October 17th, 2008 at 12:32 pmI can’t tell you how much I hate 3 AM with a sick child. Terrifying…
October 17th, 2008 at 12:57 pmwow. thanks for reminding me, in the midst of a ridiculous scout ‘crisis,’ what is truly a crisis.
and btw, you live in the fairy tale place in which postcards are made.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:05 pmI’m almost 24 years old and found myself crying and whimpering for my Mama last night. I live in Canada and she lives in England. I’m sick with pneumonia at the moment and I still need/want/crave her comfort. Once when I was much younger I got very sick with some sort of virus. What I remember most is drinking the tea she made me (with crushed up tylenol 3’s in it) and just before I drifted off to sleep, I felt her crawl into bed beside me, put her arm around my little body and whisper “Please don’t leave me, baby. Mama loves you”. Amazing that even now I cry remembering her plea and even now when I’m sick, I reach for her in the middle of the night.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:05 pmI do the panicked-for-no-reason wake up call at least once a night. I do the hands-on-the-chest to make sure they’re breathing (heavy sleepers, my girls are), just like my mom said I would. I didn’t think I’d be that person, but when everything is but for the grace of God…it just makes you feel better.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:13 pmI have a daycare and watch 4 little preschoolers.(all boys) I read all these post about sick kids and cried. I always read so many stories about kids being hurt at daycare. I lived in fear thinking someone else was going to watch my child and she would get hurt or sick and no one would catch it in time. I quit my job and stayed home. Now I am watching someone else’s child and looking for signs of them being sick or getting hurt!
October 17th, 2008 at 1:25 pmWhen my younger daughter was two, I visited the local children’s hospital to drop off some Thanksgiving treats my Sunday school class had made. While there I saw a little girl my daughter’s age walking down the hall with her mom, hooked up to an IV. I breathed a prayer that my daughter would never be in that hospital.
One week later, I held her in the backseat at 4 am and prayed that she wouldn’t stop breathing as we raced to the ER. She spent three days in that same hospital. Thank God it was only with RSV and not with something worse, that she got better quickly, but I still remember that raw fear.
I hope your little ones all recover quickly and spend the rest of the winter illness-free. By the way, it sounds weird but rubbing Vicks on the bottoms of their feet can help stop the coughing. (Okay, it sounds REALLY weird, but it’s worth a try if you’re driven insane by the coughing that just. won’t. stop.)
October 17th, 2008 at 1:25 pmMy girls are 8 and 5. I still wake suddenly in the middle of the night to check on them. I’m sorry your kids are sick, glad they are getting better.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:31 pmMan did your post bring back memories. The memories of trips to the ER in the wee hours of New Year’s day EVERY year until my oldest was 5. First time he could barely breathe and thankfully it was just RSV and they were able to send him home after 3 days and a stint in an oxygen tent. After that it was bad croup every time. we didn’t make an ER trip last year. I think it’s a fluke. We’ll see how this year goes.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:40 pmIt is like perpetual PTSD. I still have it with Mia, and Quinn a bit too. It is the worst kind of anxiety ever.
Night is the worse. It is quiet, and there are no distractions so our minds can wander freely over places we usually try not to trod.
Hugs, thoughts and prayers for you kiddos to start feeling better.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:51 pmThis post touched me. I lost identical twin girls, and it seems that after that experience, i am no longer immune to fear. Something I thought could never happen to me, did, and now all of the sudden anything can, and I have been plagued by relentless irrational fear so much more than before. My other two kids are healthy and well, but now that I know first hand that everything can change in an instant, it terrifies me sometimes.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:59 pmI don’t think I’m ever going to sleep the same way again either, after reading this. Thank God he started breathing, and you woke up.
Off to hug my little people.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:09 pmMy children (9 and 7) were involved in a catastrophic car accident this summer. My husband and I were not with them. The car ride to the hospital was unbearable, not know what condition they would be in when I would see them. And holding it together in the trauma rooms while they were being examined while I waited for someone to tell me something about them was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:10 pmI was that mother of that child. The one I shouldn’t get too attached to. The one I should enjoy this Christmas, because who knew about the next one.
Thanks for the reminder to be grateful for this same child, the one who is 17 and giving us fits with college applications.
I have so much to be grateful for.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:23 pmWow. Gorgeous. Autumn is hands down my favourite time of year.
We used to live in a tiny flat where we all (dh and I and three kids) had to sleep in one bedroom. Which was just fine with me. People thought I was crazy actually *liking* the whole family sharing one bedroom. They didn’t understand that the most comforting sound of all in the night is the sound of my family’s breathing (and snoring).
I’ve had a few similar experiences with one of my children–a limp, blue 4 week old, a toddler who couldn’t breathe, hospitalization. I don’t think anything gives you grey hair faster.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:26 pmThis time of year is splendid in its glorious colors and smells, but stills a mother’s heart with the onslaught of illness that seems to come with it! I had a BIG scare when my youngest was but 3mo, thank God my sister was with me. I felt like a child, in the strange E.R. - so helpless to help him, praying and trusting those who knew better how to assist him. I felt clueless as how to REALLY be an adult at times, I just wanted to curl up next to him and whimper until it was all “better.”
I hope everyone is feeling 100% healthy soon!
Hugs
October 17th, 2008 at 2:37 pmChris, Thanks for sharing this story with us. I never knew terror until the first scary ride to the ER with my baby. He had a cold and stopped breathing for a moment. Scared us to death so we raced him to the ER to be told he was fine.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:38 pmI’m sorry for your ache - I have it too! I actually came to your blog many years ago because I was up in the middle of the night courting Dr. Internet, trying to find something that would satisfy my desire to know that my child would indeed live.
Hugs to you - I hope your crew get better soon!
October 17th, 2008 at 2:54 pmHere’s hoping your whole crew is back to normal soon.
You should really get that photo made into a jigsaw puzzle with 20000 pieces - it’s gorgeous, and would be KILLER to try and solve!
October 17th, 2008 at 3:03 pmI was not going to cry today! Lisa, I hope the best for your family and that your child has a beautiful long life.
October 17th, 2008 at 3:27 pmWhen I wake up in the middle of the night with all these irrational fears running through my mind, I think I’m crazy, that I must be the only person in the world who does that. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone. Though I guess I could still be considered crazy
October 17th, 2008 at 3:29 pmThat story gave me a lump in my throat. Did they ever find out what it was that made him stop breathing? That is very scary.
October 17th, 2008 at 4:02 pmmy heart feels sick and my eyes welled with tears at your story. how utterly scary. i’m so glad he decided to stick around so he could pester YOU into an early grave.
October 17th, 2008 at 4:11 pmThank God you did wake up! I didn’t wake up until it was too late. My baby ended up brain damaged and she eventually died. And I had been holding her, nursing her when she stopped breathing–an hour or so after birth.
October 17th, 2008 at 4:14 pmAt 6 weeks old, my second little girl who was born 3 weeks early was hospitalized for RSV. Longest couple of days of my life. Also, when my oldest child was born, 2 1/2 weeks early the day we were supposed to leave the hospital, they decided to run more tests. My husband was not at the hospital with me, a friend of mine happened to be there visiting. I started sobbing, scared to death that something was seriously wrong with her. It turns out that she had shallow hip sockets and would need to wear a brace for a few weeks. The only reason this was found is that my grandmother was born without hip sockets at all, so all babies in my family are checked. Scary at the time, but 12 years later she is 100% healthy. Definitely makes you think about what could be.
October 17th, 2008 at 5:12 pmMy own mother is perhaps the least visibly emotional person I’ve ever met. But this same thing happened to my sister when she was a baby. One of the few things you can see visibly shake her.
October 17th, 2008 at 6:30 pmwhat is that? a bridge? a fort? It’s beautiful though. I’m glad you’re baby (even though he’s not so babyish now) is okay. That’s the scariest thing ever. I had a baby with apnea and I swear it changes you.
October 17th, 2008 at 7:23 pmThanks for this great post. It brought me to tears because, boy, can I relate…. Some days I am positively freaked out by how vulnerable motherhood has made me. I hope your babies are all better soon!
October 17th, 2008 at 7:30 pmThey are precious, precious gifts, aren’t they?
October 17th, 2008 at 7:31 pmMeant to post this as well, check out this print. It’s one of my favorites — it’s hanging in my bedroom:
http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/WebStory.do?storyID=1330&action=product&productCategoryID=1000
October 17th, 2008 at 7:33 pmI don’t sleep well when my kids are sick either.
I’m so glad he was on you and you awoke to help him!
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
October 17th, 2008 at 7:55 pmI envy your fall colors! After close to 15 years in New England, we moved to Colorado 3 years ago. Still beautiful here but nothing like the wonders of a New England autumn. Like so many other mothers on this post, I too have had a health scare with my kids. My first was born 6 weeks early, #2 stopped breathing at 19 days and had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance. And #3 has graced us with breath holding episodes which have necessitated 911 calls and a trip to Denver Children’s for a EEG…good times. The good news is that all three are fine and continue to annoy me day in and day out as is their God given right!
October 17th, 2008 at 8:12 pmYou’ve been one of my hero’s for a while now. You were able to drive under those conditions? Very, very brave. I fall to pieces in most emergencies and all bets are off if my kids are involved. Stay strong Chris!
October 17th, 2008 at 11:06 pmDo any of your kids have a nebulizer? I had walking pneumonia last year. The antibiotic of course helped cure the infection, but when I borrowed my daughter’s nebulizer (with albuterol in it) I felt like I could breathe well for the first time in days. Hope all are feeling better soon!
October 17th, 2008 at 11:43 pmPoor Miles. I am so glad he is better. And what a horrible, unsettling story about your 7yo as a baby. I can’t even imagine.
Not even close to the same, but I spent many, many hours of my childhood, over the years, visiting my brother at Children’s Hospital of Orange County (CA), as he underwent brain surgeries. Let me tell you–seeing all of those children left a lasting impression on me, as well. I learned from a young age not only how blessed I was, but not to take anything for granted.
Get well vibes to your sweeties.
October 18th, 2008 at 12:02 amI’m lucky enough that, so far, my daughter’s been really healthy. But I swear that I’ll still be sneaking into her room at night to check her breathing, until she’s like 15 and catches me at it: “MOOOoooOM!”
October 18th, 2008 at 7:40 amI, too, am one of those ICU moms. I think once you’re there, you always carry a piece of it with you. They were the days from hell, the ones that haunt me. It’s been almost 2 years now, and I still pray every night that we never go back. We have been so lucky to just have scheduled nights there for surgery and sleep studies, no more “we don’t know what’s wrong with her but she’s not going home” nights. I hate PICU.
October 18th, 2008 at 11:29 amWhen I lived in Atlanta, I volunteered at one of the major children’s hospitals there. Although I worked in the ER, on nights when we weren’t busy, I would go hang out with little ones who needed some tlc (either their parents were at work or worse…).
One night, I was holding a preemie who needed nothing more than to feel the warmth of a human, when his nurse asked if I wanted to feed him. My first inclination was “sure” until the nurse explained that he was still learning how to swallow, and if he stopped breathing to call for him. I simply could not stomach the thought of this beautiful baby not breathing in my arms. I handed him back to the nurse, prayed for his future, and walked somberly to the ER.
I can’t imagine the emotions you must have been feeling on that scary night with your 7 year old. I hope that everyone is on the road to recovery today.
October 18th, 2008 at 11:30 amNow that is just heartbreaking. So sorry your kids are sick. Your so right about it all seeming worse at night time, my 1 yr old is sick at the moment and its breaking my heart to watch her in such pain and discomfort. Best wishes to you all.
October 18th, 2008 at 3:55 pmI amy have been one of those moms that smiled and nooded at you 7 years ago. My DS spent months in the PICU. He did finally come home. He is a pretty normal 7 year old now. It is one place where you feel pretty lucky to have the problems you have. DS had too many room mates that had either been hit by a train, abused by an adult or had a heart that just could not hold on anymore.
October 18th, 2008 at 5:51 pmIt changed me too!
Chris, one of my favorite posts ever. Particularly poignant for me because a friend lost her baby (16 years old, but still her baby) yesterday after waking up and finding him blue and not breathing. Unfortunately it was too late to save him.
I’m glad your baby was right with you. I always slept with my babies on my chest too. Too bad we can’t keep them safe that way when they are bigger.
Wishing good health on your house. Thanks for the thought-provoking read.
October 18th, 2008 at 10:17 pmOh how scary! I’m glad you woke up and were able to get him breathing in time. And I’m glad Miles is okay. I hope that cough goes away very soon.
October 19th, 2008 at 7:53 amMy sisters healthy 28 pound ,5 month old son stopped breathing and no one knew about it until my 6 year old tried to get him up in the morning.By then it was too late. A nightmare for everyone. My sister has never been the same since.
That same year my 4 year old snuck out the door on Halloween and managed to fall through a crack in the fence.he landed about 20 feet down on the top of his head.He had a fractured skull and an epidural hematoma. I was at the ICU for a week ,waiting to see if he would be normal when he woke up ,after brain surgery.
He was , Thank God. But the rest of his childhood I could not bear to watch him do anything remotely dangerous. Ride a bike, a skateboard. Etc.
He is 24 now and the most “daredevil” out of my 3 sons. He wakeboards, snoboards, races cars. I STILL can not watch.
I can’t even watch him drive a car.
When he wakeboards , I can be found laying on the floor of the boat with my eyes covered.
I guess will never get over it.
here’s to healthy children!
October 19th, 2008 at 8:02 amWhat a scary experience. I totally understand how that changed you. You don’t take this health thing for granted like we so often do. That you are such a great mom to so many great kids is inspirational!
That photo is wonderful. I want to go there!
October 19th, 2008 at 10:30 amAnd don’t give up on the Twitter smoke signals. I’ve become addicted (http://twitter.com/AlpacaFarmgirl)
and your tweets are hysterical! They brighten my day.
That is a nightmare, thinking about the what if’s.
I am so glad to hear that you where holding your baby that night. There is a reason for everything.
I hope he feels better soon.
October 19th, 2008 at 1:21 pmI spent many nights sleeping on the floor next to my babys’ cribs. I never thought wice about it. They are now 29, 21 and 19 and my heart still stops when I think they may have more than “just a cold”.
October 19th, 2008 at 8:36 pmyou described how i feel perfectly.
October 19th, 2008 at 10:43 pmmy son has had a lot of trips to the er (illness & injury), including one ride in an ambulance.
last year he had surgery to try to stop his sleep apnea, & as they wheeled him away i was sure i’d never see him alive again.
happily i did - he was fine. but it changes you.
That brought tears to my eyes.
My daughters are 6 and almost 3 and I still poke them in the middle of the night sometimes when they look like they’re not breathing.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:58 pmYou write with the most amazing feeling -
October 20th, 2008 at 1:28 pmI don’t know how you capture and explain the essence so well but each time I read I am impressed.
I am one of those moms who had a bald kid. I agree–you never, ever sleep well again. Ever. Some days I wonder if I’ll forget about it and sleep well when I’m 80. My gut feeling is no.
October 20th, 2008 at 11:41 pmI love this time of year. The photo is just beautiful!
Kids - they don’t let us stop worrying until we die.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:43 pm