Around Here We Stay Up Very, Very, Very, Very Late
October 25, 2008
“Mom, can you turn the kettle on for me?”
“Can I turn the kettle on for you…. what?” I ask, fishing for a “please.”
Son looks at me confused.
“Can you turn the kettle on for me… now?”
*****
I related this story to a friend because I thought that it was funny. They said that I do too much for my kids. That I am not their slave. I bristled at this observation, and even though I didn’t think that it was true, I started thinking about it.
As parents we want our kids to be independent. We want them to be able to do things for themselves. But don’t we also want to model the sort of behavior we want them to exhibit? Sure, my son could have put the kettle on for himself. We were both in the kitchen together. But he was heading upstairs to take a shower and get out of his footballl gear. Why shouldn’t I do him this favor?
Yes, I do a lot for my kids. But I expect a lot from them also.
*****
One day last week I was running around like a crazed person. I said out loud, “I wish I had a cup of coffee. I could really use one.” But I literally had no time to make it.
The same son I mentioned above said,”I’ll make you some coffee, Mom.” And he did. Complete with pouring it into my travel mug and adding creamer.
I made sure that when he handed it to me I looked him right in the eye and said, “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
For me, that is what it is all about. Teaching my children to think of other people. Making thoughfulness second nature. Treating them as respectfully as I want them to treat me. This last one is tougher for me than I would like to admit.
As I drove away, drinking the weakest coffee I have ever tasted, I couldn’t help but think that it was also the best coffee I have ever tasted.
(Cross posted at Mommypoints)
RSS feed for comments on this post.
Oh, how this made me laugh!
When my sons were young, there was a childcare expert whose mandate was “never do anything for your children that they can do for themselves–never.”
One day, I was mulling this over and the thought popped into my head that if my husband treated me like this I would divorce his sorry tush so fast it would make his head spin. Sometimes I need help, care, and kindness. I imagine kids do too. And I want to raise people who recognize when other people need those things. So that was the end of that!
Obviously the traits you want in your children–thoughtfulness and respect–are working. (Sorry that might mean years of marginal coffee!)
October 25th, 2008 at 9:14 amWhat a sweet son! Obviously you are doing something right?
October 25th, 2008 at 10:25 amJust a little proof that you are raising them right. Good job!
October 25th, 2008 at 10:51 amI agree 100% with you Chris. Yes, we all want our children to be independent. Though one way to learn that independence is through the example we set for them.
I grew up in a house where my mother did everything for me. I mean EVERYTHING. (It’s actually kind of embarrassing when I look back on it.) Now I know I learned so much from her. While I don’t wait on my children at the level she waited on me (I draw the line at ironing jeans.) I do more for my children than I think my friends do for theirs. What I see from that is more random acts of kindness from my children than I see in other children. If that makes sense.
October 25th, 2008 at 11:03 amThanks for putting it into words for me…. this is exactly how I feel. My mother did a lot for us growing up…. and I always felt safe and taken care of. When I got married and moved out at the early age of 21…. I began to do all the things my mother did. Not because I had to… but I wanted to…. and (amazingly!) I knew how to do it all! I am a Mom..
October 25th, 2008 at 11:20 amI do a lot for my kids too. But when they enthusiastically cleaned the bathroom on their own without me asking, I realized they were getting it. They are 5 and 7. I thanked them sincerely and ignored the streaked “clean” mirror. I think sometimes we worry too much about making them independent and forget about teaching them compassion and thoughtfulness too which can only be learned by modeling. We have to show them how to do for others by doing for them sometimes even though they are capable for doing it themselves. Great post. As always.
October 25th, 2008 at 11:28 amI’m thinking that you are doing a fine job raising some mighty sensitive kids. Nothing wrong with that!
October 25th, 2008 at 11:49 amI agree. I can never understand it when people tell me I shouldn’t do my children so many favors. Why? Don’t I want them to be the sort of people who willingly do favors for others? Don’t I appreciate it when people do favors for me?
I am happy to report that this style of parenting has not produced lazy, selfish brats, but kind, thoughtful little beings who often lag behind at the store, because they were holding the door for someone, and cheerfully make dinner for the family on the nights I come home too tired to cook.
October 25th, 2008 at 11:51 amI do for my kid for the same reason you do- providing a good role model. I want him to do for HIS wife and kids some day.
October 25th, 2008 at 11:53 amWhat a sweet son! I hope my boys are that thoughtful when they get bigger.
October 25th, 2008 at 12:36 pmYes. Thank you for articulating this. I get the same mess from people, that I am ‘too good’ to my kids (this comes mainly from my mom, who believes in INDEPENDENCE FOR ALL!!!!)
I appreciate your articulation of what is an incredibly important value, taught more by gentleness than dictation.
Great post.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pmI totally agree with you on this. I believe that kids should be treated with the same consideration and respect that we expect them to show us.
What a great kid you have there!
October 25th, 2008 at 3:05 pmGreat food for thought. I like how you put it; that you do a lot for them, but expect a lot as well.
I meant to comment on your posts a while back but ran out of time- the one with your daughter sitting on the counter. I was on a forum a while ago and several mothers were going on about how unsanitary and disrespectful it is to allow children to sit on your kitchen counters. Huh? I have fond memories of sitting on the counter watching my mom prepare meals, and now my children do the same. So it was great seeing her perched up there!
October 25th, 2008 at 3:16 pmOh, I just loved this one Chris - had to Kirtsy it!
October 25th, 2008 at 3:24 pmI am ALL about teaching team work too! I do things for my kids that are nice, generous to some, helpful, and kind. I know my kids are always willing to go that extra step to help somebody out. That is what it is all about! Thanks for sharing!
October 25th, 2008 at 3:35 pmI know what you mean, I love it when my kids do something nice for someone without being told to do it!
October 25th, 2008 at 4:52 pmI completely agree with you. I do believe that you shouldn’t do things for your children that they can’t do for themselves with balance. What you wrote is that perfect balance.
I do have a friend whose children don’t do anything and EXPECT everything. I think that is the difference. If you are doing everything for them to the point where they are expecting it and they aren’t doing anything for themselves out of pure laziness that is where the line is drawn. Then the mom has become a doormat and the case I am thinking of specifically, the children know it.
October 25th, 2008 at 5:33 pmAwesome.
October 25th, 2008 at 6:07 pmOh Chris - I just read this post out loud to my husband, and both our heads were nodding all the way through. We are done raising our children, and are so very proud of both of them. Our son is a caring, nurturing mate and our daughter is a very independent, yet caring and generous young lady. We truly believe in the “model” style of parenting - really, what other way is there? You are doing a wonderful job with your children, and I think you should be proud of both yourself and of all your kids. I know that some days it is not easy, but it is so totally worth it all. And yeah, that weak coffee is definitely the best coffee!!!!
October 25th, 2008 at 8:06 pmI’m another mom who “appears” to do everything, but also had the same favour returned today.
I try to keep the car clean and washed (we live on a farm and that’s a whole other story when it comes to dirt). Anyway “somebody’s” dog jumped up and down on the side of my car the other day making it look like a keying gone wild. I mumbled to my son I was never washing the car again as it would cover the scratches perfectly. He called me outside a couple hours later and had taken some cut-polish and removed all the scratches. Don’t you just love it when they come through at times like that.
October 25th, 2008 at 9:23 pmYes, yes, yes! Great post…and great kid!
Thanks for this encouragement in all the things I do everyday for my kids!
October 25th, 2008 at 10:27 pmThanks - gives me hope!! Lovely post, I even had my husband read it for inspiration!
October 25th, 2008 at 11:34 pmThis is the best post I’ve read in a lonnnng time. This cuts to the heart of the way I want my kids to be, and how I want to be for them.
October 26th, 2008 at 12:04 amI think the way you write about your family is terrific. Your children sound like wonderful, funny, thoughtful, and normal people.
October 26th, 2008 at 2:31 amGreat post, and great “mom-ing”. I’ve never understood how people can expect their children to learn the golden rule if their children never SEE the golden rule in action.
And great Counting Crows reference, also. One of my personal favorites.
October 26th, 2008 at 2:32 amThis story came highly recommended from a rockin’ editor on Kirty (OMSH) and I’m glad I cruised over to read it.
It’s a great story…the punchline at the end is especially sweet. It captures the essence of how I look at the world, too…focusing on what’s good in a person, how they are growing. Totally what it’s all about. Thank you.
October 26th, 2008 at 12:34 pmi love you.
October 26th, 2008 at 1:07 pmLovely. And it’s a “do unto others” isn’t, it? When you start withholding the little things to teach lessons that may not need teaching, where does the joy go?
October 26th, 2008 at 5:41 pmWhat a sweetheart your son is. That is a very touching story. You and your husband are obviously wonderful parents.
October 26th, 2008 at 7:27 pmOh girl… you are so right on! It is true that our kids learn by what we do. When I started saying I was sorry more, they started saying it more. And when I do nice things for them, they come to my rescue just when I need it too! You know your kids and you go on and do what you know is best! I’m right there with ya!
October 26th, 2008 at 7:39 pmYou must be so proud of your kids. Mine are only little, but when I see them do kind things it makes my heart smile.
Jenn
October 26th, 2008 at 11:06 pmI love this post. It challenges me and reinvigorates me in my parenting all at once.
October 27th, 2008 at 3:31 amThis is so wonderful to read. My friends insist I am too thoughtful and do too much for my kids. I try to explain that it goes both ways, that everyone in my house is very considerate of each other and tries to help each other when they can because it is the right thing to do. I think if you don’t have a family like that, you just can’t understand it.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:47 amWe used to have my stepson make dinner on Sunday nights, when he was a tween (now 17). He enjoyed it for the most part, but after a particularly stressful visit to see his mom one summer and the birth of his little sister here, we got out of the habit. About a year ago he offered to make tuna for dinner - he loves tuna and was hungry and offered to make enough for everyone. I didn’t realize until he served it that he’d never watched me make it. He made tuna - and only tuna. No mayo, or mustard or pickles or salt or pepper. He took the tuna, mashed it with a fork to get rid of the chunks and put it on bread. The important thing was that he tried to do something nice for all of us; and that we now have a great story to share with anyone who will listen.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:59 pmI haven’t read through all of the comments, but wanted to say that a lot of parents *think* they want their kids to be independent, when what they really want, is for them to become healthily interdependent. None of us (or very few–independence is actually a symptom in many psychiatric disorders) are really independent. What we’ve learned, hopefully, as adults, is how to interact with others and nurture healthy relationships. That entails knowing how to do some things on our own (and when that’s appropriate), knowing how to ask for help when we need it (and when that’s appropriate), knowing how to work with others effectively (ditto), etc. Healthy interdependence is what we want for our children, not independence.
October 29th, 2008 at 8:34 amCame over from Suburban Turmoil after seeing you selected as the Perfect Post Award for October. Lindsay usually selects wisely and well, and after reading her selected post, I couldn’t agree with her choice more. Your prose and observations are succinct, compact, and superbly written.
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:17 amYour point on modeling reminds me that we are raising our children to be responsible and caring adults. Many loose this point and are simply raising children. As such, they will likely never reach their full potential. There are many adults that I would not want any child to model.
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:33 amI do a lot for my kids too, but they reciprocate as well.
I try to turn over responsibilities to them as they become capable of certain tasks. In January, they started packing their own lunch the night before. Today, I peeked inside my 7 year old’s lunch box to see what she had packed. That was the saddest PB&J I’ve ever seen. But she made it herself, so I bet it will taste great!
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:47 amHow simple - and yet, this is exactly what we’re all aiming for, right? To raise children we can be proud of, who care, who make a difference. Great post.
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:13 amWow. That is the most insightful and ORIGINAL parent advice I have read in a long time. I will certainly think twice the next time I rattle off: “You’re four, you’re a big girl - do it yourself!” I guess, like everything else, it’s a fine line to walk.
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:43 pmThis is indeed the perfect post. I go back and forth in my own cluttered head as to how much is the right amount to do for the kids. Sometimes I think I do too much, but you made such a great point about helping each other out.
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:06 pm