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Mmmmmm, pie

Mmmmmm, pie

November 25, 2008

I baked 14 pies yesterday.


With help.


The pies looked perfect before they were baked. Afterward, they definitely looked made by a kindergartner homemade.


Today there will be no pie baking.

I just finished a radio interview with some morning show somewhere in the U.S. Don’t you love how specific I am? I was terrified that Miles was going to wake up in the middle of the segment. He is three and therefore devoid of all rational thought and reasoning ability. And when his schedule is disrupted at all, to include my being on the phone and not fawning all over him, feeding him freshly peeled grapes while I polish his spun gold halo, he is likely to be a little asshole. A little SCREAMING asshole.

In fact as I type this he is rolling around on the kitchen floor having a tantrum because his sister got the box of cereal out of the cabinet and he wanted to do it. Even though he doesn’t actually want to EAT cereal. See? Asshole.

So I prepared for the interview by opening a large package of Twizzlers. I was fully prepared to feed him the entire package in exchange for his silence. Or use them to create a ball gag. Either one would have worked.

Luckily he stayed asleep.

This morning I have a desperately needed hair appointment and am hoping to squeeze in a manicure. Tomorrow I will be flying back to Chicago where I will spend Thanksgiving Day with Susan and Roxanna at the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line headquarters.

You might just see us on one of the morning talk shows.

Posted by Chris @ 9:01 am  

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  1. Keyona says:

    I can’t get over how you make me laugh outloud. Well prepared with the Twizzlers.

  2. Sharon says:

    I also have one of those 3 year old boys. When I see pictures of Miles though, I think he couldn’t possibly behave the way my son does. He looks too angelic in your photos. You summed up 3 year old behavior beautifully.

  3. Randall says:

    Oh, the Twizzler feeding image made my laugh outloud too - good luck with it!

  4. Jean says:

    I truly appreciate your candor in describing how your child behaves. When my kids were that little (and to this day) I described them in similar terms and was often met with surprised, shocked or “how could you talk about your child that way????” looks.

    I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em and it doesn’t mean I love them any less. A little less sugar coating can go a long way toward making the rest of us feel we’re not in this alone.

    Thanks, Chris, for being real.

  5. EG says:

    Ooh, those pre-baked pies ARE pretty. Why no post-baking pictures?

  6. mary says:

    HAHAHHAAAAA. Chris - I truly love that you say what I think - ALL DAY.

  7. crockpot lady says:

    I’ve got a newly-turned-4-year-old who behaves the same way. I hand her a tub of frosting and a spoon when on the phone. Your thanksgiving sounds wonderful—-I can’t actually imagine a better way to spend a holiday.

    have fun!

  8. Christy says:

    I love that you refer to him as an asshole. It’s all part of a mother’s love, right? :)

    Oh, and Twizzlers make good whips too. If you manage to get the ball gag figured out you could have a good set there!

  9. Ruth H says:

    I KNOW I wasn’t that prepared to make a child keep quiet. Keys in the purse was my highest thought on the subject and after they graduated from being thrilled with that it was just chaos.

  10. TL says:

    Yum. I heart pie.

  11. kelly says:

    I thought of you yesterday when the alternative station here in KC was talking about the Butterball hotline. They are two young guys, one of them set up the other’s cell phone to receive text messages from Butterball.

    I’d eat that pie.

  12. Pam says:

    I am curious about something. Why have you let us know Miles’ name but not any of the other kids’?

  13. Perfectly Disgraceful says:

    My three-year-old girl has those kind of completely irrational tantrums, too. About five times a day. I don’t think my older girl had more than five tantrums ever. But perhaps that was because she was an only child for seven years. Lucky girl.

  14. Maine Mom says:

    And I thought baking 3 pies yesterday was a great accomplishment!

  15. Stephanie says:

    I love that you can bluntly refer to your 3-year-old as an asshole, because come on, you know all of us mother of 3-year-old boys have thought the very same thing and have said it under our breath, trying to restrain ourselves from saying it to them in the middle of one of their tantrums.

  16. SoMo says:

    I know your pain. I have a 2 3/4 yr old son who screams if you don’t let him do anything. Of course, if you ask him directly you would think you just asked him to move heaven and earth. Aren’t they fun? NOT!!! They are very lucky they are cute, though, or he would have been put out on the curb a lont time ago.

  17. Annie says:

    I pre-meditated the feeding of my 19 month old tootsie rolls broken into tiny pieces while I made several doctor’s appointments on the phone this morning. Works like a charm.

  18. Dana says:

    OMG! This is the perfect post. I have a 3 year old son who has, just recently, taken to torturing me while I am on the phone. The more important the call - the bigger the irrational tantrum. I swear, he can smell my anxiety from the other room as I start to dial. I am showing signs of PTSD whenever I need to make a call! I love what you write and the way you write it.

  19. Amanda says:

    Thank you for making me not the only mom to call my son an asshole. Not directly to him, but about his behavior. I’ve gotten some odd looks from other moms when describing 3yo behavior such as your son’s. I just figure they don’t have boys. Somehow, the dads always seem to get what I’m saying though.

  20. khristalee says:

    you totally made me LOL!!! I usually creep, but I ][_ove that you actually described him as such…I also have a 3 yr. old who acts like a maniac, especially when I am on the phone…they all do I suppose?
    we use freezies here…large amounts, and even in the winter!!!
    (and I have always wondered like Pam above, why we cannot know the rest of the childrens’ names…I just make them up!! I call your daughter Avery…j/k!!)

  21. Lucinda says:

    3 year-olds are assholes. True. I’m so glad you aren’t afraid to say that. I always stifle laughs at my friends who’s first child is turning 2 and they talk about how terrible they can be. I’m sure I said the same thing. If only I had known. I’m so glad to be past 3. Although 6 wasn’t really a walk in the park either….

  22. Amanda says:

    My 3-year-old requested a red apple with the hole in the middle for lunch. She was very specific about the hole in the middle. I said it back to her as I often do, just to confirm.

    I used my apple corer to take out the center so as to please my little angel. As I began to walk over with the red apple with the hole in the middle she turned three different shades of red and screamed, “I don’t want a hole in the middle.”


    Friends have often said three is the new terrible twos.

  23. gorillabuns says:

    Okay, I asked Whoorl so I’m going to ask you - How soon can you bake your pies? Like today soon?

  24. eko says:

    Oh it pains me to see “asshole” written about a child, THOUGH I have thought it, and I don’t think said it (yet) - to/about my 8yo! Now let’s not discuss what I have actually called my husband…

    Have a Happy Turkey day!

  25. Erin says:

    Chris, these last two posts made me laugh out loud. I absolutely adore you for your honesty regarding your kids! I love reading about the funny little things they do that make each of them so unique.

  26. Anna says:

    Nice. My bribe of choice is always those flavor-ice pops. Before I ever get on the phone I snip the top off a pile of them and set them on the coffee table…works every time.

  27. Suzanne says:

    Do you know if it gets any better? I have a 6 year old and he still can not contain himself if / when I get on the phone!

  28. PAPA says:

    Kids like it too when you bite the top and bottom off the twizzlers and make twizzler straws.

    Oh, yeah, that’s just me.

  29. Amy says:

    <> That would be enough to make me hate you if I were a shallow type person. Instead, I’m just insanely envious.

    I remember a time in my freelance days when I was interviewing the CEO of a local hospital on the phone with my 2yo son wedged between me and the back of the chair. He was amazing quiet, but I was seasick from all this rocking back and forth by the time I got off the phone.

  30. Sue @ My Party of 6 says:

    So exciting! Thanksgiving with Susan and Roxanna! I will keep my eyes peeled to the morning shows… maybe one of you will Twitter which one, when you know?

    I had to make an important phone call recently and I put little piles of cookies all over the house and as my 3-year old followed me from room to room, I pointed out the pile of cookies that was closest to her. She ate her way through the whole house, but I got most of the conversation done before she started screaming. (I will keep a pack of Twizzlers handy though! Very chewy. That’s good!)

  31. Tiffany says:

    I hope Butterball is paying you the big bucks because you deserve it! Thanksgiving Day! I do bet you’ll have some rockin’ turkey, though.

  32. Ms. Carson says:

    I loved this post.

    I am still looking for the parenting book that is titled “How To Get Your Kid to Stop Acting Like an Asshole.” But I can’t find it anywhere - either it hasn’t been written yet or it is just that it is always sold out.

    Anyway, thank you for your honesty. Pies and honesty… a perfect match.

  33. Elizabeth says:

    What on earth are Twizzlers? (Maybe I don’t want to know…) I’ve heard that little boys have a huge surge in testosterone production between 3 & 4 years of age which swamps them. It takes a few years for their bodies to catch up and dilute the hormone to more functional levels. During that time their behaviour is rather like that of your typical male CEO. Luckily little boys are small enough to be picked up bodily (I usually deposit mine in the back garden for a bit) and they can’t sack people.

  34. bex says:

    i guess this turkey business of yours is a big deal but i think you should get mom of the year!

  35. Lisa says:

    Thanks for the laugh, again! I crazily try at least one call a day, just to keep up with friends. I can often be found walking very quickly from room to room with a small child who is two steps behind me as I speak ohsoquickly. This works for about the time it takes to circle the house four times and then she lets it rip. And then I offer her anything and everything that I think will please miss precious on that particular day(because dontchaknow she likes different things on Monday than on Tuesday!!!!) Phone=Magnet for small child idiocy. As soon as I hang up the phone, all is calm and all is bright.AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!And now that I think of it, prior to the call, all was calm. This is such a jealousy/control issue. For both of us!

  36. smochame says:

    I had 3 assholes ..er, I mean sons ….that were 2 years apart. Believe it or not , the oldest 2 would fight over who got to throw away the baby’s dirty diaper.

    Middle son, screeching and flinging himself on the floor
    “I want to tow da dipa away !!!!”

    We would have to retrieve it from the trash and let him throw the damn thing away.

    ahhh boys :)))

  37. Carola says:

    the ball gag made me laugh out loud! and I was drinking coffee…

  38. Lisa says:

    First off, I am a fan, I read your blog all the time and admire your dedication to your family.

    Secondly, I just want to say that everyone is obviously entitled to their opinion and to call their children what ever they like.

    That being said, the comment that you made that your three year old was an “asshole” really surprised me and the support that followed you in previous comments also shocked me. I am a mother of three, not perfect and have had my moments. But to call your child that name, not once…not twice…..but three times on a public blog for the world to see is disturbing. He is three….not thirty three… throwing a tantrum, seeking your attention. That is what small children do. I did not find the humor in calling him a disgusting name at all.

  39. Paige says:

    Wow, that’s a boat load of pies!

  40. Chrissie says:

    i usually use ‘jackass’ to describe my 2 1/2yo son’s behavior. quickly followed by ‘good thing he’s cute!!’

  41. Trish says:

    I refer to my children’s behavior as “assy” all the time because well, that’s what it is. It is not cute. They’re not just being “insert age here.” Regardless of age, some behavior is just plain aggravating. I know some people believe that kids can’t help themselves; they’re kids. While that might be true sometimes, you’ll notice how they save their worst for when you’re trapped; on the phone, at the doctor’s office, talking to your pastor, boss, etc. They know they’ve got you pinned and behave accordingly. Of course, they’re not huddled together plotting and writing manifestos, but woe betide any parent who underestimates their children’s ability to “think on their feet” so to speak.

    “Three” is DEFINITELY more painful than “two” by far. I never felt more lost as a parent than the year my DS turned three years old…and we had survived colic. He has bloomed into a wonderful 8 year old, but that was a very long year for all involved.