Don’t Be Jealous of My Exciting Life
July 2, 2009
Is it really only Wednesday? It feels like it should be Friday already. Friday of next week to be exact.
Early Monday morning on my way to bring my oldest son to football conditioning camp, my van broke down. And by broke down I mean that it suddenly lost power while I was driving 75 miles per hour down the center lane of the highway.
Do you know what happens when you lose power to your car? The brakes STOP WORKING, did you know that? I did not know that.
Also, the power steering STOPS WORKING. So imagine you are now careening down the highway and not being able to stop or steer properly with huge trucks flying past you. Because people in Texas, they drive like speeding MANIACS.
It was like my own private thrill ride. Only more thrilling, because will I survive or not? That was the question of the day.
I finally got over to the side of the highway where I was shaking so hard I couldn’t even dial my phone.
AAA came and the van went to the shop and got fixed. It was just in last month getting the alternator replaced because the same damn thing happened then. Except that time I was just casually moseying on down a back road and didn’t fully experience the horror of being out of control. And really, I don’t need to experience it ever again thankyouverymuch.
Then we amused ourselves by taking photos with my new iPhone. Did I ever mention last week that I dropped my Blackberry and broke it. No? Well I did.
This is what we look like early in the morning. Unshowered stinking up the tow truck. Why yes, I DO have my hair tied back in a barette. I like to think it detracts from my roots that are in serious need to a visit to the salon. ME SO SEXY.
Then yesterday morning I am once again bringing my son to the field. Since I am just running out the door and coming right back home to work and have a conference call, I don’t bother with things like showering, hair brushing, or putting on a bra. [This is mistake number one] I will only be gone for 15 minutes maximium.
Miles wakes up just as I am heading out the door and wants to come along for the ride. I scoop him up and carry him to the van. He is wearing only his camoflauge bathing suit bottoms. (Why he slept in that I have no idea) [This is mistake number two]
I drop my oldest son off and then I notice my turn signals are not working. I think, ‘How odd is this!’ And the power steering isn’t working. So back to the repair shop I go. I am certain it must be some sort of easy fix. [Mistake number three, right here]
As we are sitting in the waiting area Miles starts whining that he is HUNGRY. He will die if he does not eat at right that moment. And by the sounds eminating from his mouth surely that will happen. So I buy him the only food available. Skittles from the vending machine. Twenty five cents a handful. [Mistake number four]
“I LOVE Skittles for breakfast, mommy!” he shouts, because Miles does not have an inside voice. He drops some on the floor and I make a lame attempt at stopping him from eating them anyway. Mostly I do it just for show, for the other parents in the waiting room, so they will not think I am the type of mother who allows her child to eat food off of the floor. But you know what? I am that type.
Suddenly I see us the way the rest of the waiting room does. Holy shit, we look like trailer trash. Unwashed, loud, candy for breakfast, stringy haired trailer trash. The only thing that could have completed the picture better would have been if my 4 year old was drinking soda from a baby bottle.
I let Miles play with my iPhone. After about 5 minutes the battery goes dead. So I buy him more Skittles.
After a couple hours, and several dollars worth of Skittles bought one quarter at a time, I find out that the van needs more work. The previous day was just a warm up for the real blood letting.
The rest of the day:
Big thunderstorm rolls through knocking out power for several hours. Power surge knocks out control for sprinkler system so that when the power comes back on the sprinkler does too. Which is just what you need after a huge rainstorm, your lawn watered.
The telephone is also not working.
And the air conditioning will not turn off.
I sell my arm and leg and those of my children to pay for the van repair. Thank God for craigslist.
Oldest son is sick with a fever and sore throat. Yet he MUST. PERSEVERE. AND. PLAY. BASEBALL. ANYWAY. He complains mightly about how ill he is and wonders if he has swine flu. I can’t help but laugh at his hypochondria and tell him that we will know if he starts oinking. He does not laugh.
I am unable to do any work yesterday because the Internet requires electricity. Also, I have no vehicle in which to leave the house and go somewhere else to work. Also, the coffee pot requires electricity which depresses me greatly.
My children are forced to stay inside and play things that do not require electricity. Mostly they sit around and complain and bicker until I threaten them with math worksheets and swift beatings. It is not until I threaten to beat them with rolled up math worksheets that they find board games to amuse themselves. And then crafts. Crafts whose sole purpose seemed to be cutting paper up into teeny tiny pieces and scattering the pieces all over the house. Along with the magic marker lids.
Wow, I have just totally depressed myself.
Today we skipped football conditioning camp. I just couldn’t take another exciting morning.
It is 77 degrees outside right now and I am wearing yoga pants, a sweatshirt, and socks. I am officially old. Now, where is my crocheted shawl.
I cooked Sausage Jambalaya this past weekend. It is delicious. You should make it too.
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I love it when you write posts like these. They’re the best.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:11 amI had a tire blow out going down the freeway. Absolutely terrifying sensation. I’m glad you and yours are safe. My advice: Shoot the van and put yourself out of your misery.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:14 amI’m really glad you’re ok. Yikes!
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:24 amOK. I am not jealous. Instead, I am laughing my head off. At the way you write and find humor in a situation like this, of course! Not at the “excitement” that was your day. Hope things are better now.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:35 amWow…what a week…and it’s not even over yet! I LOVE the skittles story. That is so me, pretending to be all concerned.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:39 amYou are so funny!!! I am reading your post in my pjs but am getting ready to get dressed in long pants and long shirt to pick wild blackberries. They are so worth the chiggers and thorns and sweat! I’d pick that any day over car trouble. Hey, at least it rained and cooled down some
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:52 amYou are the funniest trailer trash family that I’ve ever read about. Next time you feel that way in the repair waiting room, whip out your copy of Good Housekeeping open to your newly published work. That’ll set ‘em straight!
I assume the power is back and you can make yourself some nice frozen drinks. You deserve it.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:33 amok I know it has been said before but i hope you are working on that book. I will take a signed copy :):):):)
This post is once again GREAT. It made me smile and think about how crazy everyone’s life is. You remind me that we all have these types of days.
Hows football in Texas.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:44 amWhat kind of van do you have. We are looking for a new one and I want to make sure I avoid yours at all costs. The ordeal sounds terrifying.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:59 amCongrats on surviving yesterday. The coffee part - tragic. Hope you’re refueling this morning.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:08 amI refuse to b**ch anymore about how sucky my week has been. I will relinquish that honor to you - holy crap.
I fear you have an unhealthy relationship with brakes. First the bike, now the car…
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:16 amOMG Chris, I love you.
You make me feel so good.
The skittles… a little dirt won’t kill them but I might if they have a huge tantrum over a skittle.
Good moms keep their kids alive.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 amI also am all for that book. I would totally buy it. You make me crack up every time. Holy crap. Haven’t we all been there with the damm car story. You do need a frozen drink. Hopefully you’ve gotten one by now.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:40 amI had to LOL @ your experience with Miles at the repair shop. I’ve soooo been there. I’ve also stopped giving up making a show of not letting my kids eat the ones that fall on the floor. As toddlers, one sat and ate dirt, and the other would squish ants and eat them if you weren’t watching. What’s the difference? I’ve just decided boys are gross little beings.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:58 amYou made me laugh.
I love this post. Makes me feel normal. So sorry about your van and your home. I don’t even know what I would have done…scary stuff. Glad you are okay.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:05 amThank the Lord you guys were safe after that highway experience!! SOOO sorry about your van, that really stinks.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:07 amAnd I too, am a skittles-to-shut-you-up-off-the-floor-if-you-have-to Mom. God understands.
Almost friday!!!!!! Loved reading about other people whose lives and cars are also carreening out of control! I do not feel alone.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:54 amDUDE.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:59 amYou know what depressed ME? Looking at that picture of you and your son and thinking, Boy, his girlfriend is sure cute! And then going on to read that that’s actually YOU. You at 40, no less.
Excuse me while I go slit my wrists. After I make some sausage jambalaya, that is.
Chris says: My son is throwing up a little at the idea that someone thought I was his GIRLFRIEND. And seriously? Real life is not as kind to me as photos. I look 40.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:15 amI just want to know what brand van you’re driving. So that I know not to buy it…
Chris says: It is an old Chevy Astro van that I don’t believe is even made anymore. It has sucked from day one. And is ALWAYS breaking down.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:16 amYikes, you really have had a few bad days!!
Even though we only get the really hot summer weather for a short time in this part of Canada, it still plays heck with our vehicles too. A couple of summers ago, our son replaced his alternator twice, our daughter replaced hers once, and hubby had to replace his as well, all within a couple of weeks. They all drive newer vehicles, but the heat is just so hard on alternators. Since both kids were still university students at the time, guess who had to pay for all four alternators - yep, the “Bank of Mom and Dad” was very popular!!!
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:17 amI loved the part about the 4 year old drinking soda from a baby bottle…that was hilarious.
So sorry about your bad week..Dear God, have I been there, except I only have 2 boys and a slew of pets. I’m sure the maelstrom multiplies exponentially with each subsequent child. My grandparents had 7 and 9 kids respectively. I love to hear my parents tell of the chaotic stories of their childhood, but at the same time, I know I am not half the woman that my grandmothers were for raising all of those kids during the Great Depression. I applaud your mental fortitude! LOL I would be a blubbering mess…..
Best wishes for a better upcoming holiday weekend!
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:36 amI’ve been having a lot of these days lately but at least my car hasn’t been on the fritz YET. Good luck getting that straightened out!
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:43 amOh my. So glad you are persevering with humor!! Tears of laughter were running down my face reading this. Hope today is full of coffee, electricity, functioning vehicles and no Skittles!!
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:46 amI had a week like this about 2 months ago….it was when Houston flooded. My mom’s dog was very ill and she wanted me to take her to the vet to have her put down. Done. In the torrential rain. Got back in the car with two drenched children, a blabbering and crying mother, and one dead dog in a plastic tub. Barely made it over cypress creek before it spilled over it’s banks. The smell of the expired dog kept me motivated to cross that bridge. Then, she declares I need to bury the dog in her new backyard. In the torrential rain. In a backyard that is at least 8-12 inches underwater. Yeah!!! Every scoop of mud out of the hole was instantly filled in with two scoops of water. Then I had to “lower” the dog/plastic bin into the watery grave hole and HOLD IT DOWN while dragging mud back on top of it. She comes over to assist me with this and ends up dumping a huge shovel full of mud right in the middle of the hole, sending a wave of death water splashing up in my face (since I am on all fours holding down the bin so it doesn’t float up). In the torrential rain.
The very worst part; however, came when I had to shower off at her house to get the death mud and water off myself and the only thing she had for me to wear was a bright green, blue, and turquoise mumu/strapless sundress concoction. With no bra, no undies, no shoes, and no dignity.
To get home, I had to cross back over cypress creek, which had already spilled over its banks and was covering the bridge with about a foot of water. I gunned it, because I sure as hell wasn’t going to stop wearing that get-up.
Arriving at home, we found our power was out and our backyard flood waters were nearly breaching the door threshold. Yet, I was still glad to just be home.
But the very bestest part was when my mom called back just about as I finished cleaning up and changing into normal clothing, and said there seemed to be water leaking into her new house and if I could hop on back over and check it out. For some reason, she couldn’t peel back the carpet by herself to check it out.
I said no, and blamed it on the flooding. Best decision I have ever made.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:50 amWOW. The experience on the highway sounds really terrifying. Glad you are ok.
On another note, your teeth look so nice and white in that photo. How do you do it.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:05 amOH, Man! That is a bad day. But just for the record, I am that kind of mom too! (Truth be told, I think there are a bunch of us out there!)
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:15 amYou poor thing. I just comes in waves, doesn’t it? I hope you have a great weekend and no more van trouble.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:25 amI’m just rolling over here. I’m glad you got all the bad over with early in the week, so you can enjoy the holiday weekend. You definitely need to get that book out. Lots of buyers out here!
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:31 amRight. there. with. ya.
Except at the point I’m thinking to myself, “Crap! We look like white trash!” I start going…”Wait, we definitely *look* like white trash, but (gasp!) maybe we actually *are* white trash! Because if one *looks* like white trash, who’s to say that person isn’t *actually* white trash. Because, you know, if it walks like a duck…And also, do bonafide white trash people think they only *look* like white trash too, like I’m thinking right at this moment? Oh great. I THINK I’VE JUST DETERMINED THAT WE ARE IN FACT WHITE TRASH. Maybe I just ditch the stress and embrace it.
…until I start remembering that my husband is black and therefore my children can’t actually be white trash…right?!?
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:33 amI just love you! You make even the worst possible day for you seem funny in retrospect.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:36 amAnd without power you can feel a little bit like the pioneer women back then. And know that’s exactly why they died young!
Your life is so exciting! :o)
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:39 amI’m convinced cars only break down at the most inconvenient times and in the most inconvenient places. My VW vanagon broke down several times with all 4 kids on board. Now that my kids are adults I’ve never had this happen.
Once, on my way to work there was a car at a dead stop in the number 2 lane of the freeway. If it hadn’t been for the woman standing behind her car—I wouldn’t have noticed it was stopped!!! I shook all the way to work.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:42 amThe best advice I have for you - french press as a coffee machine backup. As long as you can still boil water (if you have a gas stove, you might be able to), you can make coffee. Saved my sanity several times!
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:08 pmWow, I practically guffawed at the “lame attempt” to stop Miles from eating the Skittles off the floor, merely as a show for the other parents. That is SO me.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:20 pmI’m glad that you were okay after that highway incident. That would have scared the shit out of me.
Literally.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:55 pmI agree with Baby Favorite, I thought you were going to introduce us to your son’s girlfriend. I hope I still look half my age at 40.
Don’t worry about the possibility of being considered trailer trash in Austin. Most people won’t even notice there. That is one thing I loved about Austin–no one really seems to care what anybody is wearing outside of work and school. Everything goes.
Sorry about the bad day(s), I’ve had those. Hey, it makes for good writing if nothing else.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:57 pmWow, glad you are ok. I DID know that the power steering and brakes stop working when the power goes off, don’t ask me how. I have many stories which I do not particularly want to remember and yes, it ALWAYS end up costing a lot of money.
Have some margaritas and chocolate and whatever else you need to get back to sanity. Or at least to being able to pretend sanity. That’s all what I strive for these days I guess.
{{{ HUGS }}}
Karen
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 pmThank you for this. I thought I was the only one.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:22 pmProof that I live in TX: what I got out of your story was intense jealously that when you lost power, your problem was that the a/c wouldn’t shut OFF. Usually, the a/c is unusable and you DIE in 105 degree heat. (Or, um, the other possibility is that I read that wrong?)
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:25 pmNow I’m tired. Hopefully the weekend will be better for you!
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:30 pmROFLOL at Baby favorites comment! And Amy Andrews! You have the funniest readers of any blog I visit.
Had the *exact* same thing happen while driving, was 9 mos. prg. so I really freaked out. I swore that it took at least ten years off my life. Went into labor that night. I was convinced the stress did it.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:50 pmI’m sorry you had a bad couple of days but it did make for a great post!
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:01 pmTo bad that tree didn’t fall on the van!
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:04 pmno one would ever think you’re trailer trash because your teeth are too white.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:49 pmOh.my.
So how did you get the van to stop? I would be crying like a baby. Glad you both are okay.
I cracked up at the skittles on the floor thing. I too make a feeble attempt to stop my kids from eating things on the floor but it’s just for show. After 6 kids - who cares.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:56 pmHoly crap. Making a mental note: Don’t buy a Chevy van. Jeeezus.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:57 pmI feel so much better now!
And given the accumulation of stuff in MY van, I would have EASILY found both food and clothing for any number of children.
My van is equipped with supplies to do nearly everything from wrap a birthday present to dress a wound, so clothing and food are no problem. (And of course the choice of food includes the non-crusty, not stuck to the carpet, still in the wrapper, completely melted and mishapen kind of food.)
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:50 pmyou seriously need a show about your family on TV…it would be so much better than Jon and Kate + 8 :0)))))))))
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:01 pmIf it makes you feel better, I’m also totally that parent that lets their kid eat something they dropped on the floor. I’ve done it, I admit it.
My father-in-law was all bent out of shape when my kids were little and wanted to crawl along the floor out in public places. The food thing would cause both in-laws to never speak to me again. Hmmm, wait…
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:31 pmI hit black ice doing about 80 kph on the highway one winter. That was fun. Especially since everyone around me had the same problem. It was like a freeform Tilt-A-Whirl.
There is some sort of universal law about leaving the house dressed less respectably than you normally would that ensures you either have a break down, an accident or meet the one person on the planet you do NOT want to see you looking less than your best. Defy it at your peril!
Also, now I want Skittles.
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:03 pmI’ve had that power steering & brake experience on more than one occasion…somebody around these parts HATES to get gas.
The last time she ran out her vehicle simply DIED as she was driving 85MPH in the middle lane of 8 lanes of traffic. This white trash queen tops off with the lawnmower gas now…
Hope your week improves!
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:28 pmWow.
That feeling of being out of control on Austin’s highways with their heat-crazed (I’m convinced) 90mph drivers - had that! I blew a tire and I’ll never forget the terror of trying to maneuver to the shoulder! So glad that experience is BEHIND you. Have a cold beverage on me.
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:29 pmI’m with Emma and Tammy, shoot the van and put it out of its misery and start putting that book together, everyone I know would love your take on life!!
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:31 pmThat story is completely frightening to me as I am driving a ‘99 CHEVY ASTRO VAN that has recently been in the shop 3 times and has been a LEMON since day 1. I am now afraid to leave the house. Hope your son is better and the a/c calms down AND you aren’t mistaken for trailer trash again anytime soon…Y’all.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:15 pmWow…I’m exhausted just reading that! However, I too allow eating off of the floor. I’m pretty sure it just strengthens their immune systems, right!? (So help me God if anyone dares to disagree!!!)
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:36 pmI had one of those crappy days yesterday as well. Minus the whole highway incident though!
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:40 pmGood driving sister! I have to say that we have our white trash moments at our house with our 20 month old, but we always say - at least he is not walking around with a bottle full of soda! The line must be drawn somewhere.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:26 pmPS your smile is gorgeous!
My husband had an Astro van when he did onsite service. He piecked up from the dealer in the morning and took it back to the shop that afternoon because the check engine light came on. It spent the rest of the time he had it in the shop.
And you may look like white trash but you are published.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:11 pmYou certainly deserve a holiday. Hope you have a great one.
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:38 amhhhhaaaaaaaaa………my kids eat things off the floor all the time!!!!! i’m really beyond caring…..
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:15 amYeah you definitely don’t have trailer trash teeth!
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 amIs your smile truly that beautifully white? Or did you photoshop those babies because you hadn’t had the chance to brush before you left
Chris says: You caught me… In reality I don’t even have teeth.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:38 pmThat makes complete sense, it fits the whole WT scenario!
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:56 pmChris, I just read your blog again and realized that is YOU in the picture. I thought it was another teenager friend. You look AMAZING! Geesh!
July 4th, 2009 at 1:30 pmSoda in a baby bottle. Heh.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:10 pm