I’ve Got a Nikon Camera
July 7, 2009
As part of Operation Get My Shit Together, I have been going through shoeboxes of old photographs, you know from the Dark Ages of film photography. I want to get them all transfered over, but need to have them organized in some fashion before I embark on that project. Or more accurately pay someone else to embark on that project.
So anyway, I realized that all of the photos that exist of me for the past say 15 years, except for a small hand full, are taken immediately after giving birth. And as anyone who has ever given birth, or has seen anyone who has just given birth, or has any sort of ability to imagine what someone would look like after pushing a watermelon out of their vagina, they are not at all flattering photos. If I were to die tomorrow my children would think that I was a good 50 pounds heavier, perpetually bloated, and had really, no REALLY bad hair.
The few photos that exist of me during other times I remember not wanting to have them taken. I would put my hand up in front of my face, or turn away. I would say that I didn’t have on make-up or that I wasn’t wearing the right clothes. But now when I look back on the photos I think that I should have embraced the way that I looked and allowed more photos to be taken.
And so lately when my children ask to use my camera and take a photo of me, I let them. I try to look past the flaws that I see. The wrinkles! The double chin! The hair that is long overdue for a visit to the salon! The fact that I am 40 and not 18 like I still feel inside. I am trying to put aside all the negative self-talk and see myself the way my children do. To not scoff when one of them says I am beautiful.
I often think back to my teens and early twenties and wonder why I thought I looked so awful. Why didn’t I wear that bikini more? Why did I care so much that I was flat chested? I think back at the intense self-loathing and I want to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. But I can’t. It can never really be funny. Why didn’t I realize that it was only going to be downhill from there and that I should appreciate that brief window before I started sprouting gray hair and got wrinkles and cellulite? I wish I could go back in time and grab my younger self by the shoulders, shake her and say, “This is is as good as it is ever going to get. Embrace it.”
In another 10 years I will be thinking, damn I should have appreciated 40 when I had the chance. I am going to start working on that now.
(photos by my 6 yr old daughter)
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Amen. What a great post.
Having the same epiphany recently, I got professional pictures taken of just my kids and I. I remember thinking that I wanted them to have pictures of their mom when she was young and had less wrinkles, no age spots and all her teeth.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:50 amthank you for bringing this to light. my mother was always hiding herself from the camera and when she passed away the only “decent” pic (meaning one where she was not hiding herself) we could find was her senior high school picture. more moms need to think about this since I think we all hide from the camera more than we should.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:52 amThanks for the great post and beautiful pictures. You perfectly put into words exactly how I feel about my body and what I think about how I feel about my body. One of my biggest fears as the mother of a baby girl is that I will pass this self-hatred on to her.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:00 amI don’t know what you’re talking about. You are STUNNING. And your daughter is an insanely talented photographer already.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:19 amMy thoughts went to the same place after attending a memorial service recently and watching a wonderful slideshow of this lady’s life…there would be very few pictures for my own “slideshow” someday where I have not just given birth or have my hand up with a big frown on my face. So…like you, I am trying to relax and just “go with it” if someone else picks up “MY” camera and snaps away. I can always delete those that are truly horrible, right?
July 7th, 2009 at 11:20 amIf you never told me I’d have never believed a 6 year old took those. Beautiful!
July 7th, 2009 at 11:22 amI feel the exact same way. I’ve been trying to find a photo of me for various profile pics and have realized that I’m always behind the camera. I used to worry about letting the kids take pictures with “my big expensive camera,” but lately I’ve been letting them have at it. It’s a lot less stressful to just give in and they’ve actually gotten quite good at composition. Your daughter also has a good eye - those are great photos!
July 7th, 2009 at 11:42 amfabulous photos!
July 7th, 2009 at 11:47 amBeautiful pictures!
July 7th, 2009 at 11:48 amMy children are the only ones I will allow to photograph me. I am the photographer and I personally hate being photographed! My kids;however, love to take pictures of me with their siblings, or with their dad, or with the cake I just made for them……I have gotten used to smiling and saying cheese for them. For the first time in my life, there are actually pictures of me in our family albums and on the fridge smiling ridiculously while wearing snowshoes and holding my kids over a frozen salt lake. I have grown to love these pictures they have captured.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:52 amBeautiful pics! I think maybe you were reading my mind when you wrote this post. I’m working on the appreciating what I’ve got now too (while almost 40 & thinking I’m 18).
July 7th, 2009 at 12:01 pmIf your daughter took those pictures, than she’s got a good career all set!
July 7th, 2009 at 12:09 pmYour daughter is quite the photographer! I love that first picture especially =) You both look very happy, even if you aren’t 18 anymore (and he isn’t 18 yet).
July 7th, 2009 at 12:11 pmOh, Chris, I know how you feel. I’m almost 45 and when I think back 20 years….things were lots better then!! I have polycystic kidneys which means they keep getting bigger as I age. I used to have a 23 inch waist back in the day and I’ll never see that again (or anything close) even if I diet my way down to a stick. So not only do I have to remind myself to enjoy as much of life as I can now, there is always a helpless feeling too, since I can do nothing about it.
My best advice is grab the good times, small moments and large, and build those wonderful memories for your kids!
July 7th, 2009 at 12:20 pmThis brought tears to my eyes, Chris. I’m 41 (today!) and think that I shall start working on this, too.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:22 pmThank you for this. Almost all of the photos from my baby’s first year are of him and his father. I am in very few. I am ashamed I haven’t lost the baby weight, my hair is never done etc. But I realize that you are right and I am going to later regret that I don’t have more photos with him in his early years. I have now made a note to get over myself
About those B&Ws, do you shoot in that mode or convert from color in post-production?
Chris says: I changed them to B&W in photoshop.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:23 pmThe poigency and honesty in this post is just beautiful. Thanks for writing this, Chris. We’re all in the same place (and hopefully more people will embrace the lovin’ side of the love-hate relationships we have with ourselves).
July 7th, 2009 at 12:27 pmChris….only a beautiful person could produce children has lovely as yours. Seriously there is not a dud in the bunch! LOL! Your right, start to appreciate your 40 year old self now!
July 7th, 2009 at 12:32 pmYou look beautiful. I wish I looked that good
July 7th, 2009 at 12:54 pmI had the same thought the other day in church that this is the time in my life that I will look back on as the best years of my life. My twins are 4, and I am 41. I am trying to live life so full with them and have fun! This is the youngest I’ll ever get
You look gorgeous. There is joy on your face.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:54 pmAs usual, you said it perfectly (please do write this up for another national magazine!) I so hear you. I used to think I was FAT? What? I look at my beautiful teenage self, and say, why did I not totally love her? I used to be embarrassed when I wore my bikini? WHY? I looked great. Now I am mortified to even get into a one piece, but honestly, I know I look fine. Yes, I also am contemplating botox and a facelift, but most people say they cannot believe I am 50 so I am trying to be happy with myself and be grateful for whatever it is that I have. By the way, you are gorgeous and I am certain that you will be just as gorgeous at 50, 60 and 100. It is the “joie de vivre” (pardon my sort of French) that shines through in addition to sheer beauty.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:57 pmThose are keepers, aren’t they?
July 7th, 2009 at 12:59 pmI can so relate to this post!!! And your daughter did an awesome job on the photos!!
July 7th, 2009 at 1:00 pmYour daughter has a great eye. I need to do more of this. Otherwise, my children will not think they ever had a mother. I am the one who takes all the photos, but I don’t like having mine taken. I guess I should get over myself already…
July 7th, 2009 at 1:05 pmGreat pictures! Embrace each stage of life . . . because you’ll never be able to go back. And you’re always going to be as old as you feel . . . at sixty-six I feel forty most of the time except I just can’t physically do the things I could do at forty, but hey! That’s life. I love your blog, I love your writing style, and your photography.
July 7th, 2009 at 1:09 pmYou are beautiful.
Note to self: Buy sunglasses.
July 7th, 2009 at 1:23 pmLet kids take photos of me.
I would have a hard time even finding a picture of myself, especially one with my kids. I am always the one taking the pictures. I don’t particularly like the way I look right now, but you are right, I need to embrace this time and capture it, before it is gone.
July 7th, 2009 at 1:53 pmGood idea with the kids taking the photos. I’m not sure our photos will look as great as these - your daughter did a wonderful job.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:10 pmAfter having my first baby four months ago I look at my honeymoon pictures and drool….and to think that I wasn’t satisified with my body then!!! idiot!
enjoying my 20’s,
July 7th, 2009 at 2:12 pmJill
every time i see pics of you, i seriously can’t believe you are forty with seven kids. IMPOSTER!
July 7th, 2009 at 2:16 pmSo true, but hard to remember in the middle of all the self loathing. And you have beautiful teeth! Your smile is still definitely 18.
Chris says: My orthodontist thanks you
July 7th, 2009 at 2:48 pmSo does this mean she doesn’t “hat” you anymore? Beautiful pictures! I had this same thought the other day and am going to do something about it.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:53 pmYou are beautiful! great message too…I need to get into more photos myself and try to lose that self consiousness when the camera is pointed in my direction.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:59 pmYou ARE beautiful.
July 7th, 2009 at 3:41 pmI also have a box full of pre-digital film and pictures to organize. Could you tell us, for inspirational purposes, how you are going to accomplish this feat! I would be so grateful for any and all help.
July 7th, 2009 at 3:50 pmYou must remember this: scanmyphotos.com
They scan your pictures and give you them all back with digitals! LOVE it! I sent in 3000 pictures after getting rid of about 2/3 of them!
July 7th, 2009 at 3:51 pmSo so so true! It is hard to believe my age on the outside (54) when in my mind I am so much younger. I had my first child at 40 and I show up in photos with them for the last 14 years, but hardly any photos of me from age 25 to 40. I inherited my camera shyness from my mom who to this day still holds her hand up in front of her face at age 78. As a result the family hardly has any photos of her and oh how we all wish we had more. I don’t shy away from cameras any more because, as you say, it’s not going to get any better than this. The self-loathing IS ridiculous, and we definitely should embrace every day, every age.
Love the photos! But you and your kids could never make a bad photo, no matter who is holding the camera! Thanks for another wonderful post.
July 7th, 2009 at 3:52 pmI realized this a few years back — I can’t remember now what the circumstances were, but you know something sort of dark and deathish, I think. And it dawned on me that my then not even school age kid would barely know what I’d looked like. So, I’ve tried to lose the lifelong ducking out of the picture option. Too bad I didn’t start a lot sooner though!
Unfortunately, in pictures I always look like I should have ducked out — of the two older boys, one takes pictures like I do — about one in ten might look like he looks, and the other son is like my husband and most of the pictures look normal, natural and there is no hint of pain/indigestion/insanity.
July 7th, 2009 at 3:57 pmIt ain’t just your smile that looks 18– a few entries down (your awful car day entry) in the picture of you and your son in the car– I really, honestly wondered if your son had brought a friend (a his-age friend) with him to football practice (or whatever). You’re young-looking AS HELL. I don’t really know if hell is young-looking, but I sometimes think it must be filled with women who are way prettier than I am. Anyway. You are beautiful, your kids are right.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:02 pmBeautiful pictures! Congrats to you - I struggle with the double chin photos as well, but aren’t we our own worst critics?
July 7th, 2009 at 4:15 pmMy mother inlaw recently passed away…my husband spent 6 hours looking through photos only to find 1 of him and his mother…taken years ago….then he cried…sad that he hadn’t made a point of getting those photos (I take all the photos..and apparently didn’t get them together..she hid from the camera)…my new resolution is to get myself into some family photos also. And by the way…your daughter is a talented photographer!
July 7th, 2009 at 4:34 pm40?? Seriously? I’m 40 and wish I looked as smashing as you. I tend to delete, delete, delete the photos my kids take of me - which just recently started to happen as they got old enough, so there is a 4 year gap between pictures of me and I can see the extreme aging that took place after I had kids! LOL But you’re right, I should keep them if for no other reason than my children will enjoy looking at them later. As Charlie said above, I need to get over myself!
July 7th, 2009 at 4:48 pmI can’t tell you how many times I have thought those very same thoughts….note to self: get the kids to take photos of me on holiday this year!!! (so everyone knows I actually DO go on holiday and elsewhere with my family, LOL!)
July 7th, 2009 at 6:13 pmYour post and the comments all echo thoughts, feelings and experiences I’ve had just recently. We all need to enjoy and embrace each day as it occurs.
July 7th, 2009 at 7:17 pmIs Operation Get My Shit Together trademarked or can you send a rep to my house? Cause it would be most welcome if my shit finally came together.
I was having a similar conversation about the photos this past weekend. When I was in high school I weighed 50 lbs. less, yet hated wearing shorts and a bathing suit. Too worried about how I looked. Now, I wear what I want, dimpled skin, white thighs, and sagging breasts be damned.
I also need to take on the photographs. There are a ton to be organized and few of them are of me. My kids are going to think I only existed behind the iMac, where a few have been snapped in photo booth.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:26 pmI’m glad you’re getting in the photos too. You’re a beautiful woman and the kids are gonna love any photo taken of their mom, no matter how you think you look in it. We are all too critical of ourselves (myself included).
July 7th, 2009 at 8:30 pmHear hear!
Also, we’re really our own worst critics. You see the flaws that you wrote about but I see a beautiful woman who looks years younger than 40.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:47 pmWow… she’s a pro! I love these pictures, and thank you for sharing the sentiment as well. You ARE gorgeous, and I’m glad you’re capturing this.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:53 pmYour beautiful!
July 7th, 2009 at 10:51 pmOne thing I’ve noticed about 40, and moreso 41, is that I don’t mind every part of me as much as I used to. Yeah, I hate the grey hair and the fine lines around my eyes, but everything else doesn’t bother me like it used to. I kind of like the way I look most of the time. (And I’m not nearly as pretty/thin/young-looking as you, Chris.)
Yes — embrace 40.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:29 pmI think you look great! And the photos are also beautiful.
(In the second pic it looks like you have a teeny-tiny Miles-sized left arm. Hee hee.)
July 8th, 2009 at 12:09 amGreat photos!! (and thoughts)
Mary, just turned 42…
July 8th, 2009 at 12:33 amyeah, I’m 30 and could have written the same post.
you look great, keep the pictures coming, your kids will thank you.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:39 amI think the move to Texas was a good one. You seem so much happier. I have always thought you were beautiful, though.
I had that same realization after James was born. I am 31 and damnit I don’t look that bad. This is as good as it is going to get and so I better enjoy it while it lasts.
July 8th, 2009 at 5:19 amyou write what we all think and know to be true
July 8th, 2009 at 8:02 amThere are precious few photos of me as well. Especially with my kids. I always think when I lose that 10 lbs. or have a decent haircut or whatever, I will make sure I get in some pictures. But my kids will not be able to look back and see me now. And if I NEVER lose those 10 lbs. or have a decent haircut (it’s entirely possible), there will be NO photos of me.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:40 amHear hear!
July 8th, 2009 at 9:41 amFabulous photos-fabulous thought process!
I love the name of your organization effort - I think I will adopt it as well…And great post on such a relevant topic - there are so few pics of me that it appears my children don’t have a mother…
July 8th, 2009 at 9:53 amOh my! Your daughter takes beautiful photos! I feel the exact same as you. I want to embrace how I look and feel more often, rather than complaining about how I am not 20 anymore…boo hoo, I know! Great post! smilinggreenmom
July 8th, 2009 at 10:03 amgreat post chris and great pics.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:11 amThank you for that reminder Chris. I really needed it today.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:42 amYour children are adorable.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:20 pmLovely post and beautiful pictures, Chris.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:22 pmI had a sister in law who was killed at 32 and was so pretty but never allowed many pictures to be taken of her. To her children the handful of photo’s is just not enough. You ARE beautiful and to your kids your EXTRA beautiful!
July 8th, 2009 at 1:33 pmSMILE!!!
I really needed a post like this. I think you and your children are beautiful.
July 8th, 2009 at 6:51 pmWhat the hell is wrong w/us women for thinking like this?? I’d give anything to be as fat and ugly as I *thought* I was at 16! It’s devastating to imagine my beautiful(in and out)daughters feeling this way about themselves…
My mother-in-law said the same thing to me once. I didn’t believe her. I always covered up and almost never let anyone take my picture. Then I had twins. I so regret never having taken a picture where my smooth-stretch-mark-free belly was showing. I wouldn’t give the boys up for anything in the world, but the stretch marks I could do without.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:41 pmI always want to hide my back fat and frown lines. But I know one day my boys will be glad to have pictures with me in them, no matter how washed up I look.
Great post.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:08 pmthose are great photos! and you look not a day past 32.
i like the reflection in your glasses. very cool effect.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:18 amI print out a collage of pictures for my girls to put in their school notebooks each month and have always avoided including pictues of myself. Not any more! Today is a new day! I’m going to be in the pictures! Some day when an archeologist unearths our 12 million photos, they will find a happy family not just the dad and 2 gorgeous daughters!
Thank you for such an important reminder!
July 9th, 2009 at 10:22 amI came back to say:
You will transfer them to digital - and do what with them?
As if you aren’t busy enough - ever consider scrapbooking? Thousands of people do it -
everyone has a different style and everyone’s books are fabulous because they are unique. (DON’T think you have to make them perfect or stamp and punch and flower them to death as many HOW TO books would suggest). You can just put them in books so they aren’t wasted or lost in your computer hard drive and the kids can look through them to their hearts content.
Creative Memories products are truly the best in the business - You and your Nikon would be in picture heaven!
Chris says: I hate to say this, but I hate scrapbooking, and stickers, and cute paper. I want to have the photos printed into books, like the Blurb one I did a couple years back.
Oh, here is a link, photobook.
July 10th, 2009 at 8:20 amYou are beautiful. Seriously, I think you are beautiful, and I would kill (okay, not actually kill) to have your body. But, I have mine. So I will try to take your advice to heart and smile for the camera, because I also have the after-childbirth pictures, and I hope to God those do not make it into my funeral slideshow!
July 10th, 2009 at 11:46 amOk “Operation Get My Shit Together” needs to come to my house!
July 10th, 2009 at 11:57 amWait until you hit 50. Then you have to really make sure you have no regrets. In order to be fierce at 50. Or so I said. http://amidlifeofprivilege.blogspot.com/2009/04/fierce-at-50-when-you-are-20-or-30.html. I envy you wisdom at 40.
July 11th, 2009 at 7:53 pm