Welcome Home, Mommy(blogger)
July 27, 2009
It is 1:30am. I have just entered that deep, deep sleep. I am in a comfortable bed after having slept in the most UNcomfortable hotel bed ever.
I am awaken by my 10 yr old son.
Mom? Mom? MOM?!
What?
I threw up.
I try to sound sympathetic and kind, but really I am thinking more about not opening my eyes.
Oh, honey I am so sorry you are sick. Go back to sleep. You will feel better in the morning.
I do not need to know if you have thrown up. For the love of god let me sleep. You are 10 years old, you can flush the toilet and tell me all about it in the morning. Preferably after I have had my coffee. Now don’t let my bedroom door hit you in the…
I threw up on the rug.
Note: All rugs in this rental house are white.
I sit up in bed.
Why did you do that?
Ummmm, I tried to get to the bathroom but I didn’t make it.
I get up, somewhat begrudgingly, and walk to the kitchen to get cleaning supplies. I softly murmur words of comfort, mostly to myself. This child has never thrown up on the floor. Ever. It is sort of his claim to fame in our family. I rummage through the cabinets. I am out of paper towels. What kind of mother runs out of paper towels I wonder. I grab a box of cleaning wipes instead.
I optimistically take the bottle of spot cleaner up with me. You know the stuff that you spray on those little stains on the carpet, like when you are walking through the room carrying your coffee and a little bit sloshes over the top of your mug. Not that it has ever happened to me.
I imagine that I will clean it up. Clean the rug. And in 10, maybe 15 minutes, order will be restored to my life and I will be back in that comfortable bed. Asleep. You would think that after all these years I would learn.
Why is your bedroom light on? We should turn that off before you wake up your brother.
He is awake.
What is he doing?
Sitting on his bed. He can’t leave the room.
What?
I threw up in my bedroom.
I thought you threw up in the hallway.
I did.
This is not going to be good.
*****
All parents have the vomit stories. Before last night my war story was from 1999 and involved my oldest son leaning over the top bunk and throwing up on his brother who was asleep below him. It was so horrifying that I remember standing there surveying the scene by the light of the lava lamp they used as a night light, not knowing where to even begin. We might just have to move, I had thought.
Finally I decided to wake the child in the lower bunk with the words that are now infamous in our family, “Wake up, sweetie, and whatever you do… do not open your mouth.”
Usually you don’t wake up covered in other people’s vomit until at least college.
*****
I get to the top of the stairs and round the corner toward his bedroom. It is a grisly scene. Think violent murder only replace the blood with vomit. I am having strong regrets about the hotdogs, french fries and ketchup that I served for dinner.
I wish that I could say I was rendered speechless. Because that is probably what better mothers would do.
HOLY SHIT! DID YOU SHAKE YOUR HEAD LIKE A DOG WHILE THROWING UP?!?
WHAT IS THAT ON THE WALL? DEAR GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
AND THE DOOR??
AND, AND, AND THE LAUNDRY PILE?
I survey the pile of clothes. There aren’t too many. Maybe I could just throw them all away.
I look down at the box of wipes in one hand and the tiny spray bottle in the other. I am completely unprepared.
I think I need a shovel.
I definitely need a shovel.
I hold my breath and try not to dry heave. My nose burns. My mouth is involuntarily filling with saliva. It is gross. I tell myself to swallow. Swallow. Swallow, dammit. I breathe into my own armpit.
After an hour I wave my wipe in defeat. This is a job that calls for professionals. I cover the areas of the rug that are affected with three large white bath towels. I instruct the children to walk on the towels.
In the morning. I will deal with it in the morning.
*****
I bring the clothes outside to the yard on the side of my house. I lay them out of the grass and turn the hose on full blast.
Two men come with their gigantic steam cleaner. They survey the damage. They laugh.
Want me to spray that wall a little while I am at it?
Oh please, YES.
What had he eaten?
Hotdogs, french fries, and lots of ketchup.
The nod their heads in unison.
They get to work. A few minutes later I hear them guffaw.
He got the back of the door too.
Ewwww, I only saw the front of the door. He must have been opening the door while…
My voice trails off. It is too gross.
I write them a check and they hand me a receipt. VOMIT CLEAN-UP is written in all caps.
The carpet is clean. We shall speak of this no more.
We especially shall not speak of the irony that is me writing the most mommybloggingest post EVER after having written in the last post that I am not one. Whatever.
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You need a hug and then a good, stiff, drink. I will admit that your horror story made my day not seem so bad. I think it was the first time I’ve laughed that hard in a long time.
July 27th, 2009 at 9:53 pmWelcome home, Chris!
I know vomit isn’t funny - especially in the middle of the night, but I laughed my ass off all through this post. I think mostly because I’ve been there. You brought the memories of rotavirus flooding back. *shudder*
July 27th, 2009 at 9:53 pmThis post exemplifies why I love reading your blog. It is real.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:06 pmawww! Welcome home! No rest for the weary, I guess, or the mom. Some things are just worth spending money on lol.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:08 pmOh my god, I am laughing so hard right now. Thank you for that!
Maybe if I were a mom and not a teenager I’d be more sympathetic and less amused.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:08 pmI am sitting here trying to explain to my dad, whom I am visiting, what sound I was making while reading this… Think sinus infection + best effort to not wake a sleeping baby while laughing hysterically. Your post also makes me rethink caving to my son’s daily demand for hot dogs.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:13 pmNice homecoming.
Hope your son is feeling better.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:17 pm“Wake up, sweetie, and whatever you do… do not open your mouth.” Has to be the funniest line ever! I feel a little sick now….
July 27th, 2009 at 10:17 pmNext time I am going to learn from your experience; I’ll forget any rug scrubbing, and just cover everything with towels and sheets until morning.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:18 pmour family’s legendary story has to do with being 18 and apparently standing in the DOORWAY to the bathroom and spewing in all directions (even behind the shower curtain).
it makes me gag just thinking about it.
therefore? i’m glad i wasn’t at your house.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:24 pmI cannot tell you how happy I was to read that you said those things after seeing the vomit. I always feel like the worst. mom. ever. because I just can’t seem to keep my mouth shut when confronted with vomit in the middle of the night. (My children never vomit in daylight–it’s ALWAYS in the dead of night.) We are blessed in that we have all hard floors so that mkes it a bit better.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:24 pmOMG - that is the funniest story ever…my son and husband loved it! I do hope he is feeling better!
July 27th, 2009 at 10:25 pmThey always wake up the Mom. Only ever the Mom. Dads get to sleep blissfully unware and have the audacity to comment on carnage left over the next morning….
July 27th, 2009 at 10:28 pmThis is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.
Mommybloggiest..touche.
Must run in the family: your son did a thorough job of throwing up, and you did the same in writing about it. Well done! And no, let us not mention the whole tempting fate with your previous post thing, or none of us would say anything. Ever.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:30 pmOH. MY. GOD. I am sorry I am laughing right now but this may be the best “mommyblog” story EVER! Yes- we all have our vomit war stories but few can tell them as good as you! I love your blog!
July 27th, 2009 at 10:31 pmWe had to switch flavors of wipes that we used after what felt like the longest possible toilet training process… “Fresh Scent” came to equal “diarrhea on every conceivable surface…” We use lemon now. Thanks for being willing to share your misfortune so that the rest of us can laugh hysterically… We know someday you’ll be able to laugh WITH us, too!
July 27th, 2009 at 10:36 pmI, like Tess, am not a mom (a college kid) but OH DEAR LORD I have kid vomit stories.
Like the time the 4 year old kid puked all over the leather interior of his mom’s Lexus. She had picked me up to babysit, hence why we were in her car together.
Or the time the sweet little 7 month old boy was sucking down a bottle while I was holding him. He moved the bottle to one side of his mouth (NOT OUT) and partially digested formula proceeded to spew forth. All over me. Literally.
But ketchup? Not yet *fingers crossed*
July 27th, 2009 at 10:42 pmOnce again honest, brillant and FUNNY as hell!
We’ve all been there and sadly done that.
What better way for your boy to welcome you home
I hope you got some good sleep after the disaster was assested.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:46 pmI knew that I was coming into my own as a parent when I was actually happy that I had caught our eldest’s vomit in my hands mitigating the need for a middle of the night major clean up. Back in bed in about 15 minutes made it worth it.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:53 pmOh Chris. You are a better renter than most. I can’t believe you got the carpet pro-cleaned! That must have been some super impressive vomit!
July 27th, 2009 at 10:58 pmOh..my..god. That is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever read. I can’t stop laughing. The dog line–holy crap that was funny.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:00 pmI wanted to vomit just reading your story. The aftermath of chili is my vomit nightmare. The victim vows never to eat chili again. Hope that it was just a tummy too full of hot dogs and not a virus.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:02 pmyou are so funny. and i would never have thought that i would enjoy a vomit post so much that i was thrilled to scroll down and see how long it was. i’m sorry for your night. but damn. that shit is funny.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:03 pmSo sorry you had to live through that, but it’s hilarious to read about! Shows what a great writer you are.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:10 pm“Welcome home!” And thanks for a hilarious post.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:11 pmOh my God, you poor, poor woman. Words fail. Every mom on earth sympathizes with you right now! Worst vomit war story EVER. And that is quite a claim to fame!
July 27th, 2009 at 11:13 pmI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the best policy to have is “vomit in place.” It lessens the damage area. Well, unless the kid is on the top bunk and the ceiling fan is on. But let’s not think about that, okay? It wasn’t pretty.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:13 pmYay for the cleaning guys! I feel a little sick after reading about it, but am very happy to know that some carpet cleaning guys do walls. And doors. This is good information to be armed with!
July 27th, 2009 at 11:13 pmI’m not trying to laugh at your poor son’s horrific experience - but gosh, I was wiping the tears away during this post. You made my night. I hope you get a better night’s sleep tonight - you deserve it.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:20 pmOh my goodness…I hope he is feeling better! The line about what ever you do, don’t open your mouth is HILARIOUS! Vomit is one thing I don’t do. The one thing I tell my students every year is, “I don’t do throw up. If you are going to throw up, run like the wind.” Which it seems like your son was doing…in the midst of spraying the hallway.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:24 pmglad im not the only mother to have one child vomit directly on anothers head in the night! oh the horrors
July 27th, 2009 at 11:25 pmOh no! AND Oh yes, good writing WILL win in the end.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:27 pmOh, too funny. Laughing out loud.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:37 pmAw, thanks for the birth control. You didn’t have to do this but you did. And I thank you.
Chris says: I do it because I love.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:50 pmYour steam cleaner guys must have stronger stomachs than the cleaner I hired. The poor guy dry-heaved the whole time he was cleaning dried cheese puke out of my in-laws (fabric) recliner.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:02 amI think I might have lost it with your 1999 story. Not sick to my stomach, laughing out loud. Sorry, but I did. I needed that today!
July 28th, 2009 at 12:10 amOMG you are my hero. I recently had this happen with my 12 year old. I think the words “Why the HELL am I cleaning up a 12 year old’s vomit at 3am??” was one of the lovely things “spewed” from MY mouth that night (morning). I now wince whenever he eats anything tomato based for dinner.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:17 amWe had a really bad episode where I hurriedly yanked a bedspread back, trying to get a kid to the bathroom quickly, only to discover it was too late and now I’d flung mess everywhere in the room, including the wall and the kid in the bunk below.
Mary
July 28th, 2009 at 12:17 amOh my God! I’m so sorry but holy crap you are a funny, funny woman. I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. I’m surprised my husband hasn’t come in wondering what the heck I’m laughing about. I am again so sorry for you pain but thank you for sharing it with us!
July 28th, 2009 at 12:19 amOh, man! It’s not often I laugh out loud while reading, but this post is one for the books. Fabulous.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:32 amWhat is it with hot dogs? Even the all-beef, no nitrate/ite kind made my kid puke in the middle of the night, and she never throws up. Uh!
Take care, hope you get caught up on your rest!
July 28th, 2009 at 12:38 amCan’t stop laughing…sorry had to laugh if only I could afford to call someone in to do the clean up…the closets I ever got was when food poising hit 4 of 5 kiddos in January(now 7 kiddos) and I had no choice to call 911 due to me going into labour the paramedics cleaned up the kiddos mess before they left with the kiddos as I was already on route to the hospital…..I was going to post on the last post but didnt have baby free arms untill now…I come to a couple of blogs (yours for sure) not for the ads but to relize I am not alone in my Mommying journey…I have followed you for a couple of years when I had 2 kids and pregnant with my last…to have 2 kiddos come into my life last summer and then found out I was having twins….I have learned so much from you in the last few years thanks for always helping me see the lighter side of things….
July 28th, 2009 at 12:49 amI can’t think of a better way to welcome you home and bring you crashing right down to earth. Nothing like adding more to your to do list upon arrival. I am on vacation taking time for myself in my room with the computer, now I have to go explain what is making me laugh so loud alone in my room!
July 28th, 2009 at 12:52 amOh Chris, I’m so sorry!! You reminded me of the time my oldest(15 years old at the time)has spaghetti for dinner and then in the middle of the night could not climb down from his upper bunk in time to make it to the bathroom to upchuck. He did not hit his brother, in the lower bunk, with the spaghetti. Thank goodness, he shot outwards. He did try to clean it up without waking me, but couldn’t stomach it. He woke me with an apology that he wasn’t successful in cleaning it up by himself. I will love him forever for trying. Oh, it was bad. Thanks for the memory and welcome home.
July 28th, 2009 at 1:17 amI am never going to feed my daughter hot dogs ever ever again. And since she is only three I am officially going to live in fear of the legendary puke for the next fifteen or sixteen years!! Oh the humanity!
July 28th, 2009 at 1:20 amI have never laughed so hard in my life! This has happened to me with my boys EXACTLY…including the bunk barf! WHY do they always hit the carpet! It never fails ! Hahahahaha…..Awesome post! Keepin’ it real
July 28th, 2009 at 1:48 amI am just now recovering from the best laugh I’ve had all week. I read this aloud to my husband and we were both laughing with tears. Thank you.
July 28th, 2009 at 2:04 amRepeat after me:
“In my next life, I get to be the dad.”
My husband loves it when I say that, as you can just imagine. But somehow, it is usually directly relating to something that involves kids and disgusting bodily fluids.
What other moms are with me on this?
July 28th, 2009 at 2:05 amAs I was reading, I noticed the picture towards the end of the post. I was very worried….
After what, five years? of daily reading your blog (I remember your son “killing” the new pool by opening the box with a knife), had that been a picture of the vomit destruction, I’d sadly have had to quit reading your blog.
I think all us moms have, unfortunately, vomit “war stories”. Mine also involves bunk beds and siblings and a son who can cover two rooms (walls, rugs, toys, siblings, stuffies, bedding, etc.) in one single go. Several times over. Oh, and then there was the kid who tried to make it up the open, spiral stairs before…. Well, suffice it to say, in our house, there are now empty bins by the kids’ beds and bunks!
July 28th, 2009 at 2:54 amThat totally made the 3am-wide-awake-preggo-munchies WORTH IT. I have had the most emotionally draining week and this post recharged my batteries completely. It’s possible I woke up my entire family laughing hysterically just now!
July 28th, 2009 at 3:51 amLOL! That’s so funny…and I’m glad it was your house, not mine.
July 28th, 2009 at 5:22 amI hope I didn’t jinx myself by writing that…
I shouldn’t laugh…. but LOL
July 28th, 2009 at 6:03 amI know I shouldn’t be laughing at this, having been in the same situation before but…..that was just the most hilarious way to start my day. And good for you that you took a picture as well!
July 28th, 2009 at 6:23 amOh, you poor thing, what a terrible welcome home! I feel awfully guilty for laughing so hard, but I have tears of sympathy in my eyes at the same time.
Awesome cleaning guys, by the way, I think they (or the company they work for) deserve a special thank-you card.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:17 amWELCOME HOME!!!!! And what a welcome it was. And i just knew there would be a picture. I also have a story it involes sloppy joe’s. it was all over the bedding the stuffed friends and in the childs long hair. I took one look and said OMG. I Put the child in shower and scooped bedding friends and all into a contractor garbage bag.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:20 amI had visions of throwing it all away but the friends and child protested that idea so the next morning they all visited the local laundry. OOOOOOOO so gross. To this day child loves sloppy joe’s but limits herself to 1 because she remembers that 3 is too many.
And this is why I check your blog every single day!!
July 28th, 2009 at 7:36 amYou actually made me cry with laughter.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:57 amOh this post had me shuddering. I don’t “do” vomit. Well, I do. But only when there are no other alternatives. My husband, who worked in several bars in college, takes care of barf (when he’s not traveling for his job,) and I took care of any poo related incidents. I got the much better deal, I think. I have discovered that smearing some Vick’s Vapo-rub under my nose helps with the smell. It burns like hell, but it’s well worth it.
July 28th, 2009 at 8:07 amOur most famous family vomit episode came last summer. In a hotel room. My then 7 year old barfed everywhere. Instead of CSI it was like VSI (vomit scene investigation) because we kept discovering new places that the vomit had gone. Poor housekeeping. Sometimes there just isn’t a tip big enough…
yeah. What everyone else said. I can’t relate my vomit story without wanting to vomit myself. But kids and vomit stories do seem to go hand-in-hand. I don’t think this was in the parenting manual…
July 28th, 2009 at 8:21 amthis too shall pass………
thanks for a good laugh.
My girlfriend introduced me to your site after a quilt show
where she worked all day……..we were roaring with laughter…ha I remember stories like these…. I was one of 7 siblings :0)
Little children little problems…..you are in for a real ride! Can’t wait to hear about it.
July 28th, 2009 at 8:22 amAnd here i thought i was the only one to throw a towel over it go back to bed and deal with it in the morning.
July 28th, 2009 at 8:25 amI know this scene only too well. I too had a famous for making it to the bathroom to puke kid…until the night of the ribs incident. She made it to the bathroom door and it looked like someone was violently murdered in the bathroom. All over the walls, toilet, bath, floor, sink, cabinets and some random spots even hit the ceiling. Two in morning. Trying not to upset her even more by yelling along the same lines as you. Or it may have been that I was more concerned that my yelling would have woke up the baby I was desperate to have stay sleeping while I cleaned the room. Thanks for proving that I am not the only one who takes pictures of these disasters. I had to show her dad in the morning. “See what YOUR daughter did last night?!?!”
July 28th, 2009 at 8:52 amMy co-workers can only see my shoulders shaking and me crying, they don’t understand that I am not having a sad moment; I am laughing my ass off so much so that I have tears running down my face. I’m sorry that it was at your expense Chris but this has to go down as the funniest vomit fest stories ever!
July 28th, 2009 at 8:56 amThat was funny just because it brings back memories. The hallway leading to my bedroom is called the runway of vomit. For some reason my children prefer to run to my bathroom rather than using the one right next to their room. Love your post it may be a little mommyblogish but you know what at least you did not plug the carpet cleaning company.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:02 amHotdog vomit is the worst. For some reason my kids always end up coming down with the latest stomach bug after we’ve had hot dogs.
My vomit war story: my oldest was about 6 or 7, and his room was on the third floor, the master suite. He said he was going to go take a nap (I should have known there was something up, because he hadn’t taken a nap for years), and he came back down an hour later, looking tired, and laid down to watch TV.
I went upstairs an hour or so later and found…a trail. A trail of vomit that started in his bed, went along the room to the bathroom, and was all over the bathroom. For a piece de resistance, I found diarrhea-soaked underwear in the hamper.
To top it off, he’d had Chinese takeout that day with his dad. I asked him why on EARTH he didn’t tell us he’d been sick.
His response? “I didn’t want you guys to worry about me.”
He did a similar thing later, threw up in his bed, got up and pretended like everything was a-okay, because he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to go swimming that day. We ended up having to throw his pillow out. UGH.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:03 amI love that you hired professionals! It is too funny the way no one ever tells you the full story, “I threw up” doesn’t even come close to describing the actual problem. My best ever was when the baby was really tiny and she landed an entire stomach-full of formula in my bra…I called my husband for help and it took him a good minute to figure out what the problem was.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:08 amone night my son crawled into the bed with his sister–we don’t know why—proceeded to throw up into her hair, which was very thick and very long and NEVER WOKE UP. I had to get her up and in the shower, put her in my bed, get him up and put him back in his bed and then clean up her bed. he NEVER WOKE UP.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:09 amI just got into the office and laughed so loud when I read this that I had to read it aloud for my co-workers - many who are parents and have lived this themselves. I hope he’s feeling better! At least you have any extra clean rug now!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:13 amHilarious is its own category of blogging. Who needs labels anyway!
I guess it will be a long time before that child eats another hot dog.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:23 amthank you for making me laugh. i have gone through this twice in the past week & wasn’t finding it too amusing, but sometimes you gotta laugh or you’ll start crying! i actually ended up throwing the sheets away. i just didn’t see myself trying to scrape vomit off of $10 wal-mart sheets. i still think the bunk bed story takes top honors in your household…
July 28th, 2009 at 9:23 amThank goodness I read this before I ate breakfast this morning. I think I lost my appetite.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:29 amThat was one of the funniest things EVER…We have all been there!!!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:47 amI know I shouldn’t laugh. But this is too funny… Hope everyone is feeling better today.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:24 amGenius…calling in the professionals!
July 28th, 2009 at 10:36 amFunniest post ever…(only because every mom can relate) hope son is feeling better.
made me laugh so hard!!! Who needs labels, anyway. You’re a mom who happens to blog!
July 28th, 2009 at 10:49 amSeriously, I could not stop laughing. My son is a puker, pukes at the drop of a hat. Which is some kind of cosmic joke because prior to his arrival, given my level of tolerance to vomit.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:55 amChris…I soooo empathize with you!!! I have a VERY similar story only my son was about 7 & had drunk a bottle of RED gatorade with his chicken nuggets & fries! On a light beige carpet….memories!! On a school night!!
July 28th, 2009 at 11:08 amI’m reading this post after reading Susan’s “the cream will rise to the top” and the mental image is not good. (And the bunk bed story. Oh. My. God.)
Thank GOD there are professionals for this kind of thing.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:15 amWow. Brings a whole new level of meaning to the term “spew,” doesn’t it?
(Trying not to laugh and failing. Hard.)
July 28th, 2009 at 11:16 amThere is seriously nothing funny about dealing with vomit - unless it’s reading about someone ELSE dealing with vomit. I’ve managed to do well with the clean-up process so far but that’s only because it’s only ever involved hard floors and a bit of clothing. I’m not sure how I would handle carpet. Right now I’m kind of glad that we only have a $40 area rug from Walmart that we could just throw away at this point.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:53 amI’m so sorry for the torture your children inflict upon you but my god, you make me laugh! Thank you!
July 28th, 2009 at 11:55 amcould not stop laughing.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:59 amThis blog so makes my day…thank you for sharing. Even if the subject was kid vomit. After my then 9 year old daughter threw up pepto bismol on our white carpet, her 5 year old sister looked at the stain (think red dye!)which would not come up after the cleaning professional visited our house and uttered her now infamous words…”guess we will be moving now”. Which we promptly did two months later. Out of the mouths of babes…no pun intended but it works here, doesn’t it?
July 28th, 2009 at 12:17 pmMy fond memory is of daughters with long blonde hair and vomit laced with red Kool-Aid. It seemed like it took weeks for the dye to get out of their hair. And of course as a 2nd grade teacher I have many classroom vomit stories. I always felt sorry for the custodian who had to do the clean-up. One little boy barfed all over his desk and by golly if he didn’t do it again a couple of weeks later. I share that story with my students and tell them if at all possible to hit the sink, the waste basket or outside the classroom. No permission to leave needed.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:33 pmOkay - I just nixed dinner plans of hotdogs with ketchup. We’ll have something else tonight.
My husband has vomit duty. I get to deal with what comes out the other end. Good times.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:37 pmWow. I’m so sorry.
Having said that…I got all the way to the sentence about the receipt before I started crying from laughing.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:38 pmUgh - went through this just this past weekend, although the only thing to clean was the bathroom floor (tile) and the toilet. Went through a whole lot of disinfectant wipes throughout the whole house in hopes of killing any germs left behind (still praying it was from overloading his system and NOT a virus!). However - as an EMT for many years, I learned early on that if you can’t smell the puke, it won’t bother nearly as much. So my advice to you is to load up your nostrils with Vicks before tackling any of the cleanup. I used to do this whenever we had calls that we thought included puking (and there are lots, trust me!) and I managed just fine.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:49 pmYou must have a lot of meanies as readers. We are all laughing our heads off! Really, I’m sorry it happened but you do have a way of making it all funny. White carpet throughout a rent house? What were they thinking? No one would rent a house with that many bedrooms unless children were involved. Glad it all came out and the cleaners did and and not you.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:55 pmI don’t have kids of my own yet (just my first grade class) and am laughing so hard right now. You are such a great writer!
July 28th, 2009 at 1:29 pmThe irony was not lost on me and may have been the funniest part!
I’m a little dizzy now.
July 28th, 2009 at 1:31 pmHaha, I am so sorry and I was at the same time laughing and remembering when Dawn puked all over the bathroom. Floor. Toilet. Sink. Walls. Toys. Towels. Bath tub. Door. It might even have included some puke on the ceiling and I was not so happy about it and wanted it to just go away already. I made a picture which I can never post anywhere anyway, so not sure why I bothered. I accidentally look at it once in a while and I shiver when I think back on it.
Karen
July 28th, 2009 at 1:38 pmOH. MY. GOSH.
:o)
July 28th, 2009 at 2:08 pmomg. laughing so hard. the tears. Especially, “HOLY SHIT! DID YOU SHAKE YOUR HEAD LIKE A DOG WHILE THROWING UP?!? ” I have to go cry for you now.
July 28th, 2009 at 2:08 pmHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for writing the truth of our lives. I can always count on you for truth and laughter. Sorry about the puke. Welcome home.
July 28th, 2009 at 3:16 pmOh Chris!
Thanks for sharing, even if the story makes me want to throw up myself (been there, done that as well).
July 28th, 2009 at 4:30 pmYou did make me laugh out loud though which I haven’t done in sooo long. Thanks!!!!
There are people that have a job to clean up other people’s vomit? What did u look under for that?
Chris says: Carpet cleaners. Though I did get all of the chunky stuff up off of the rug, they came to get out everything that was soaked in. TMI?
July 28th, 2009 at 4:48 pmI hope for everyone’s sake that the upset stomach was a one-time thing and not a harbinger of a household illness and I know you were not having anything remotely related to fun while dealing with this situation, but I have to thank you for sharing. I have tears streaming down my face from laughing. The 1999 story is a priceless addition to a fantastic tale of motherhood woes for taking them on guilt trips or embarassing them in front of girlfriends for years to come.
July 28th, 2009 at 5:07 pmAll this vomit from one child? By they sound of it, I was sure that the whole group had come down with something… then again… maybe by now they have!
July 28th, 2009 at 5:34 pmROFLMAO…….too too funny.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:37 pmBrings back memories of being a chaperone on a youth group road trip and sleeping (well, resting) on the floor of a church sanctuary and hearing one of the teenagers losing their dinner on the carpet there…and in the foyer…and into the bathroom. So it’s 3 a.m. in an unfamiliar church on a Saturday night (i.e. worship service there the next morning) and I’m wandering around finding cleaning supplies for cleaning up the puke of a teenager not related to me. Ugh.
But thanks for bringing laughter to the situation. You have fabulous story-telling skills.
July 28th, 2009 at 8:15 pmChris I feel your pain, oh how I feel your pain. Here let me help you in your recovery by sharing my very first vomit story.
On my very first Mothers Day I got a beautiful cashmere jumpe. I loved it soooo much, I could even picture myself wearing it on a hot day, so soft and luxurias was this fine jumper. While holding my beautiful baby boy in my arms for our first ever Mothers Day photo he threw up all over me and my beautiful jumper. It was never the same and there was always a little hint of vomit smell whenever I attempted to put the jumper on. I never wore it again. Perhaps my son had jumper envy, or was it some kind of reminder that jumper love should not come before that of your 11 month old son.
July 28th, 2009 at 8:35 pmOk, so on Twitter, it was a total understatement! I’m so glad you blogged this. It makes my Thanksgiving 08 story seem a little less gross. Although being awakened by your 8 year old VOMITING ON YOU IN BED is pretty darn disgusting. Of course all you can say is whatever. Keep on!
July 28th, 2009 at 8:49 pmI trully thought that I had the only child in the world who was incapable of climbing out of his bunk bed to run to the bathroom, yet somehow able to projectile vomit on every corner of his room, including a beautiful lounge chair that I literally hauled out of the house and directly to the garbage dump without even pausing to lament over the amount of money it had cost to purchase. And this same child (now a six foot tall 13 year old), somehow has taken on this role of projectile bunk bed puker with such a degree of pride that I often find him retelling the story with a smirk on his face as if it is a skill that he alone possesses; as if he has surpassed all others and made it to the High Honor Roll of vomit. So you can surely imagine how much I enjoyed your last post. Because if we can laugh through it, we surely will survive it! And Chris, I don’t even know what a mommy blogger is, but a girl friend of mine sent me your post site about six months ago, and I have enjoyed every single moment you have shared. And to me, that is what life is all about. Sharing our moments…..
July 28th, 2009 at 8:56 pmChris…vomit is the one thing I CANNOT tolerate. Oh My G–!!
A kindergartner did it in my classroom once and I had to move rooms, with all the kids, until it was ALL GONE. Thought I was going to toss my cookies at the same time. My kids, now grown, had their share of episodes. I kid you not, a clothes pin was by my bedside for years. I had to use it on my nose so I could clean it up. Too many sheet sets were thrown away because I just could not clean them without feeling violently ill. God bless all mothers!!
Sue
July 28th, 2009 at 9:01 pmOh my goodness I neve had a weak stomach until reading this post. I need to start calling in the professionals more often. We have bunk beds here and that is one of my fears…
Steph
July 28th, 2009 at 10:07 pmOMGosh! I can’t help but laugh. Poor you. Nothing worse than hearing those words in the middle of the night…
July 28th, 2009 at 10:44 pmThat was so funny! Sad for you, but so, so funny.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:48 pmMy worst vomit story was when Peep was in 3rd grade we were driving to school and he threw up fruity pebbles all over the back of the mini van. Both seats, the floor, the back of both seats. He has never even tasted a fruity pebble since that day. Gross!
I was laughing so hard I was crying. My husband, who was sitting next to me reading, just sort of snickered. He has obviously not cleaned up his share of vomit around here!
July 28th, 2009 at 11:06 pmOH MY GOD.
Chris, this would be my worst nightmare ever !!!!!!! I have been a nurse now since 1974 and this is still one thing I can not stand. !!!!!!!! I have spent since 1984 working in Neonatal Intensive care and I think the worst thing to deal with is a gruesomely smelly nappy, usually from a breast fed baby and we generally accuse Mum of eating something that has affected the sprog.!!!! LOL
I most certainly didn’t envy you that return home that it is for sure. I hope your week inmproves.
Hope your 10 year old is feeling better and it was only a matter of having eaten too much and not some ‘Bug’ that is going to go through all 7 of them. That would be nightmare extraordinaire (Sp?)
Take Care.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:24 pmLots of Love to you ALL.
Carolynn xxxxxxx
Is it wrong for me to say that this is one of the funniest posts I have read in a while (the shaking your head like a dog got me). At least he woke you up, when I was that I age I threw up on the carpet and the side of the bed, went back to sleep and completely forgot about it…until my mother freaked out when she saw it.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:39 pmBless you for handling it with grace.
I think I scared my daughter by laughing so hard I was crying. Tears were actually running down my face!
July 29th, 2009 at 12:04 amHow on Earth did you all manage to sleep that night? The smell would have done me in.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:36 amOh my goodness. I have not laughed like that in a while. I know it is not supposed to be funny, but man oh man.
To those moms out there that think only moms get woken with the “I threw up” words of doom, I only ever woke my father. Though, unlucky for him, I always woke him before throwing up because I hated to throw up, especially alone. I always always went to his side of the bed, wide-eyed with one hand covering my mouth and lightly tapped him on the forehead. I have many memories of being scooped up and carried like a football in a dead sprint to the bathroom. To this day (I am now 29) my father asks why I had to wake him before, rather than after and why I always chose him.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:50 amOh my goodness gracious. Your post and the responses to this post bring back all kinds of memories. Vomit all over like a crime scene. Swearing, tired-as-heck mother. Rotavirus. Towels on the floor. Not knowing where to start.
Sorry you’re going through it - and with the one who wasn’t supposed to do it, right?? They always surprise us, don’t they?
And why does it have to be in the middle of the night? What is it about sleep that triggers the vomit reflex? ???
Thank you for the laughs! I am so there with you. Well, not really - but you know what I mean.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:48 amSnarky. :o)
July 29th, 2009 at 11:22 amYou make me laugh!
Our worst throw-up stories include my middle son, and it involves not just rug cleaners but tile layers, and our dog, which was the time I also said, “Time to put the house on the market”.
But you make it sound funny!
July 29th, 2009 at 12:32 pmYou have transported me back through time…barely one month after we moved into our brand new home, I woke up to find that our dog (a Great Dane) had “been sick” during the night. Of course, by “sick” I mean explosive diarrhea throughout the living room. He was two feet from the hard wood floors of the kitchen, but apparently that is too far to walk when you are about to lose it, so the carpet suffered. I got half way down the stairs, stopped, stared, and turned around. I went to our office, found the phone number for a carpet cleaning service, and paid for someone else to deal with it. I will NEVER get that image out of my head!
July 29th, 2009 at 12:43 pmChris, you have just made me laugh until I cried. Not in an “LOL” kind of way, but with real tears and everything.
I’ve been a mom for two months plus one day so far. Still getting used to the idea of having to clean up somebody else’s bodily fluids…
July 29th, 2009 at 12:57 pmGag. Gag. Gag.
Shaking mental images out of my mind and praying that no one gets the barfs here.
You need the beach…..when everyone is well and non-infectious. Call me with some dates that will work for you.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:21 pmOMG - I was laughing so hard I was crying. My 5yo wanted to know what was so funny, but it just wouldn’t be relevant to someone who has never had to clean up someone else’s vomit…
July 29th, 2009 at 6:12 pmOMG!! My son just asked me why I was laughing so hard. I couldn’t even answer him. Need to go tell my husband about this…Now!
Too FUNNY!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 9:25 pmMy first thought is: save the receipt from carpet cleaners to put in his photo album or baby book! My scrapbooking friends could make it look really cool….
July 29th, 2009 at 9:45 pmI’m sorry Chris. You are a mommy and you primarily blog about your kids, making you a mommyblogger. And you are a great one. This post made me laugh like none other. Great writing does win out.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:11 amIs that puke on the wall? How in the world?!!?
July 30th, 2009 at 12:46 amWow. Just wow. Thank you for the birth control…
July 30th, 2009 at 1:43 amI just laughed harder than I’ve laughed in a long, long time. We all have vomit stories, but you tell it so well!
July 30th, 2009 at 11:02 amI’ve always read your blog for the laughs- but, wow. This one made me laugh so hard I cried. Enjoy the clean carpet!
July 30th, 2009 at 3:26 pmOMG no.. Not the hotdog puke. I feel for you, really I do. At least you were smart enough to call in the professionals. I have never been a puke cleaner. It’s one of my serious faults as a Mommy, I cannot be around puke w/o puking myself. Thank goodness the hubby has a stomach of steel. I personally have NOT eaten hotdogs since a nite in the summer of 2001 when a certain little boy had filled up on hotdogs @ the wienie roast and then proceeded to vomit them all down the hallway from his room to mine. Never again will a hotdog pass these lips, I gag at the mere smell of them.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:48 amOh…ugg…. This is hilariously funny but really… YUCK!!
July 31st, 2009 at 3:09 pmMy belly hurts from laughing..
July 31st, 2009 at 4:17 pmThank you.
I needed this today.
Chris
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:06 amSo sorry for your vomit clean up but it’s the funniest thing I have ever read. I have tears in my eyes and my co-workers think I am nuts. I just shared this post with them and now I see all of them laughing to themselves. Thanks! And, great job!
This is straight funny, Chris!!! I’m crying over here ‘cuz I’m laughing so hard:)
August 4th, 2009 at 7:42 pmWelcome back sweetie
August 5th, 2009 at 5:47 pmI nearly wet myself laughing - in sympathy!
We have plenty of vomit horror stories over here too.
Celly from New Zealand
I thought I was the only one with the top bunk kid barfing on their brother below, experience. And how is it that they never throw up mashed potatos, or other color neutral foods - OH NO~! If they are going to barf on the carpet it has to be RED! Rasberry juice, speghetti sauce - chili. Anything that is guaranteed to stain. I tell them - grab the closest piece of clothing, blanket, anything that can be hosed off and thrown in the washer. No no…they think the carpet is a better choice! Thank you for sharing, with such great humor - I so laughed!
August 9th, 2009 at 2:13 amMy mother has just asked me what I was laughing at. I replied ‘Vomit war stories.’ As a mother of six she just nodded her head.
August 16th, 2009 at 5:02 pm